Victory Over Sexual Abuse: A support person

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

A support person

Having supportive people in my life has been critical to my recovery. It wasn't until my husband (we were not married at the time) came alongside me and encouraged me to process through what I was feeling (anger, pain, abandonment, rejection, etc) with the focus being getting to the other side, that I finally felt strong enough to really examine what was going on. We all need a support person. This can be a friend, family member or counselor. You just need someone... For some people, this will mean actually asking someone to be your support. That may be an overwhelming idea, but it is a first step towards coming out of isolation and secret-keeping.

What does it mean to be a support person? It does not mean taking care of or being responsible for the survivor. The support person needs to care about and listen to the survivor without giving advice. A support person is not responsible for fixing the survivor or removing their pain. The support person will help the most by merely being available to the survivor as he/she learns to deal with the pain and with the results of the abuse. Supporters - ask your friend how you can help!

Here are some helpful DO's for supporters:
Support, accept, love, allow the survivor time to feel what they are feeling, be understanding, take an interest in their recovery, offer forgiveness when needed, believe them, pray for them and with them, encourage, trust them, offer validation.

Survivors of sexual abuse need open, honest, accepting communication. When you (the support person) do not know what to say or do, tell your friend and ask how you can help. Frequently, the answer will be that you just need to listen and support.

Survivors - know that this is complicated and possibly very unknown territory for your support people. Be willing to help them help you.

One last note... As you enlist support people, be aware that you may receive a wide range of responses. You will get positive and negative responses from those you ask to support you. Someone you really care about may not be able to do it. Accept this without taking it personally. The reasons could be: fear, schedule, other personal demands, feelings of inadequacy, personal recovery issues of their own, or other personal problems. Their inability to help you at this time is not about you or how they feel about you!

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Online recovery study

I lead support groups and have decided to take the information from the support groups and "teach" it here too. I will blog each lesson, give you time to think about it, comment if you'd like, email me privately, whatever works for you. It is always helpful to hear from others who are going through the same thing, so in the interest of supporting and encouraging each other, please consider sharing your experiences in the comments. You may do so anonymously if you'd like.

The workbook we are using is Shelter From The Storm by Cynthia Kubetin-Littlefield and James Mallory.

**Much of the content in the lesson postings is derived from, and even directly quoted at times, Shelter From The Storm. My personal comments are mine, but the process laid out here is from the book. I am merely a fellow survivor and lesson facilitator - NOT the author or creator.**

Why this blog?

I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. The daughter of an absent father who was brutally addicted to drugs and alcohol. The daughter of a woman suffering from diagnosed but untreated mental illnesses.

The "signs" of abuse and neglect started showing around age 8, but even I didn't recognize them until I was in my later 20's. I was very lonely, ashamed and embarrassed. I didn't know how to be in relationships and thought I was destined to be all alone, rejected and unloved. I tried desperately to "earn" people's love and acceptance, but pushed them away at the same time... For so long, so many people brushed aside what I'd been through, wishing I was lower maintenance and not who I really was - someone who'd been neglected and abused by her parents, a person who was completely changed by another person's failures and sin, someone who needed to be rebuilt, not cast aside or taken advantage of because she was broken.

I began to heal when I was finally loved unconditionally - first by my husband, then our firstborn child, then the Lord. My life was turned upside down - in a wonderful way - when I discovered that I am not the "orphan" I had felt like for so very long. I have a heavenly father!

I also discovered that what man means for evil, God will use to glorify him. What devastated me for many years is now something I draw on to help others as I lead support groups, talk to groups, and blog about the realities of sexual abuse and the hope there is for a complete recovery. I consider it a tremendous privilege to be able to share my experiences with you; hopefully encouraging you on your road to recovery. If you are not a survivor of sexual abuse, I invite you to stick around and read on. It is my hope and prayer that through this blog, you will learn more about how you can support a survivor in your life. Thank you for visiting.