Unit 5 Lesson 5, A Biblical Example

God speaks the truth even when it is ugly. The Bible records examples of sexual abuse and family dysfunction. Amnon, one of King David's sons, sexually abused his half-sister Tamar. He pretended to be ill to lure Tamar into his room: "He took hold of her and said to her, 'Come, lie with me, my sister.' But she answered him, "Don't, my brother. Don't force me. Such a thing should not be done in Israel! Don't do this wicked thing.' ... But he refused to listen to her, and since he was stronger than she, he raped her." (2 Samuel 13:11-14)

Tamar reported the incident to one of her other brothers, Absalom. Here was Absalom's response: "Be quiet now, my sister; he is your brother. Don't take this thing to heart." And Tamar lived in her brother Absalom's house, a desolate woman." 2 Samuel 13:20

It seems that the pattern was no different for a dysfunctional family in biblical times than for a family in the present. The problem for victims is also the same - when they remain silent, the become desolate. Discussing your abuse does not mean getting up in church or another public place and announcing to everyone that you have been sexually abused. It does mean that you need to tell your story in a safe, supportive environment.

Sometimes recognizing a safe place to tell your story can be very difficult. Take some time to write in your journal about the image or description of a safe, supportive environment for you.

You might have described a place where you can talk, cry, never run out of tissue and never be judged... You deserve a place of rest, peace and relationships to cushion the harsh reality of abuse.

When Samuel said that Tamar remained in her brother's house and was desolate, he was saying she was forlorn and lonely, without friends or hope. Abuse so often leaves the victim without deep friendships and without hope. Often the victim is forced into isolation, feeling friendless and in great despair.

Do you identify with Tamar? If you have felt isolated and in despair, describe your feelings in your journal.

Read the entire story of Tamar in 2 Samuel 13:1-20 in your Bible. (If you do not have a Bible, you can look the scripture up on www.biblegateway.com.) After you have read the entire story, respond to the following learning activities based on the characters in the story.

What kind of attitude about himself and human sexuality do you see reflected in Amnon's frustration over the situation with Tamar? Note all that apply:

• He was self-centered, only interested in what he could do to her.
• He considered Tamar as an object, not as a person.
• He was angry because he was used to getting his way.
• His idea of sexuality had nothing to do with emotional intimacy or genuine love.
• Other
  

You could have chosen any or all of the responses. Next Amnon followed the evil advice of his friend Jonadab. Amnon planned and prepared to rape Tamar. He pretended to be ill and asked David, who was his father and his half-sister Tamar's father, to send Tamar to care for him.

Read the following scripture:

So Amnon lay down and pretended to be ill. When the king came to see him, Amnon said to him, "I would like my sister Tamar to come and make some special bread in my sight, so I may eat from her hand." David sent word to Tamar at the palace: "Go to the house of your brother Amnon and prepare some food for him." 2 Samuel 13:6-7

Not only did Amnon plan to rape Tamar, his father unknowingly but directly contributed to the rape. How do you think Tamar might have felt towards her father as a result?

• Betrayed, "He set me up for this."
• Angry, "This is his fault!"
• Frightened, "I don't dare tell my father what happened."
• Bewildered, "What can I do?"
• Other

Journal about your feelings about David in the story.

Remember that Tamar was not objectively reading these words on paper. She was experiencing the hurt and shame of sexual abuse. Whether or not Davide understood the consequences of his actions, the fact is that he contributed to her sexual abuse, and he did nothing to correct the situation after the rape. Tamar certainly could have felt all of the feelings above and more.

Next notice in verse 15 that after the rape Amnon hated Tamar. He increased the violation by blaming her and sending her away. Still worse he called a servant - thereby assuring that others would blame her - and he had Tamar thrown out of the house.

Remember that you are not responsible for any part of the behavior of a person who abused you. Do not use this activity to excuse or to blame but simply to understand. Describe why you think Amnon suddenly hated Tamar.

We cannot know another person's thoughts or motivations but one explanation seems probable. Amnon knew that what he had done was wrong. Rather than accept responsibility for himself, he shifted the blame to Tamar.

Have you experienced someone treating you like Amnon treated Tamar - first sexually abusing you and then blaming you for the abuse. If yes, describe how it felt to be blamed.

The next injury for Tamar resulted after the rape. She went to her brother Absalom. Absalom's response was typical of many family members of sexual abuse victims. The messages that Absalom sent to his sister were: "Keep the secret. Don't let anybody know about the family trouble. Don't shame the family by talking about this."

"Be quiet now, my sister; he is your brother. Don't take this thing to heart." 2 Samuel 13:20

Write what you would like to say to Tamar instead of the dysfunctional message she received from her family.

As survivors of sexual abuse ourselves, we would all like to tell her that she was not to blame and that she needed and deserved to talk about her feelings with safe people.

Spend a few minutes in prayer. If you can, thank God for providing a safe place for you to openly share your experiences. Thank Him for recording the story of Tamar in scripture so that you would know that you are not alone in the betrayal of sexual abuse Honestly share your feelings with God. He will not respond as many people do. He will not say, "Don't take it to heart." God will listen and will patiently walk with you toward healing.

Working through these family issues is painful and will probably continue to be so for a while. If you feel desolate, betrayed and alone, reach out to someone who can help you. Find a support group in your area, stay plugged in to this blog, and/or meet with a counselor - even when it seems more difficult to work toward healing than to stay away. You need the support, and God wants you to overcome this tragedy in your life. God intends for you to walk in joy and peace, free from guilt and condemnation.

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Next week we will begin Unit 6 Lesson 1, Letting Go of Shame and Guilt. I continue to pray daily for each and every one of you. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your recovery. Many blessings to you. Enjoy the long holiday weekend!

Unit 5 Lesson 3, Dysfunctional Family Part 3

In this lesson you will examine more characteristics of a dysfunctional family. The purpose is not to assign blame or even to determine if your family was dysfunctional. The purpose is to understand how your past affects your recovery.

4. A dysfunctional family does not teach effective living skills to the children.

A healthy family provides an environment that allows children to grow according to their own developmental needs. Children then learn to love themselves and others and to trust that the world can be a friendly place. A child needs a fairly consistent and stable environment.

An example of the dysfunctional family is one that never stays the same. Some victims of sexual abuse report living in more than one family, perhaps first with mother and father and next with grandmother and grandfather. Cindy shares that in her childhood she attended 19 different schools, including five during her high school years.

"I lived with my mother, my grandmother, my mother and stepfathers, my sister's father, and with several other family systems. Each on presented different issues that I had to work through as a part of my recovery. I had to deal with emotional abuse, chaos, and the aftermath of my sexual abuse, all of which made me think that I was profoundly inadequate as a person, since I was unable to alter or control what was happening. The lesson I learned from all of this was that I could do nothing about my life. No matter what I tried to change, it didn't work. No matter what I did to bring order, chaos always resulted. I could not make sense out of chaos.

I carried the outside shame of moving so many times an the inside shame of sexual abuse. When I left for school in the morning, I didn't know if things would be the same when I got home. I trusted no one because if outsiders knew my story, my pain would be worse. I not only acted toward others as if I didn't care, I began to shut down so I wouldn't care. I would say to myself, "Only breathing matters, and I am breathing." But, of course, breathing is not all there is to living. Also, several of the people in my care were alcoholics, which added to my confusion and lowered my self-worth."

Each family system teaches us something very deep about ourselves, and that message is not always positive. The sexual abuse and the chaos in Cindy's family taught her that she was profoundly inadequate. But she also experienced positive learning. Her mother said again and again, "Don't do as I have done, I've done it all wrong. You can do it better."

Cindy says, "She taught me that I was smart, that I could do it. She taught me that a better way existed. She didn't know that better way, but she taught me that if I searched diligently enough, I could find that better way of living. She was right. I found it with God."

Appropriate touch: a living skill

Building a healthy self-image in a recovering sexual abuse victim requires daily reinforcement in terms that demonstrate that person's value. We all need positive statements and healthy physical contact. God created us to give and receive healthy physical love, such as hugging, holding hands, and kissing. Unfortunately sometimes in a dysfunctional family the only touches we may have experienced were bad touches. The result is extremely confusing.

If you wanted to be held but the only time you received physical attention was during abuse, you may have felt guilty. This is a double tragedy. However, you can begin to understand that you were not wrong for having basic human needs. God intended for you to have these needs met in a healthy manner.

In your journal, answer these questions...

What role did touch play in your family of origin?

Describe how you react when you are touched by someone now?

Touch has to do with personal power and control. If you were touched when you didn't want to be and not touched when you did, you may have a difficult time accepting touch. You may not even know what is appropriate or inappropriate touch. Survivors are often re-victimized because they are not aware that they can say no to touch.

5. A dysfunctional family squeezes the members into rigid, inappropriate roles.

Children in dysfunctional families develop survival roles. These role are either assigned by the family or unconsciously chosen by the child.

Some examples of survival roles include:

• Scapegoat - usually blamed for the family problems
• Hero - works hard to bring respect to the family name
• Surrogate spouse - often takes the place of the emotionally absent spouse and becomes the child counselor for a troubled adult parent
• Lost child - never gets in the way or causes trouble because this family already has enough problems
• Surrogate parent - takes over responsibility of parenting tasks
• Clown - avoids the pain by being the center of attention

In the list above, note any of the roles that would describe your behavior in your family. Your role may have changed over the years as the family changed.

What effect did your role(s) in the family have upon how you coped with sexual abuse?

Can you identify roles that other played? What was the effect of their role on your feelings and behavior?

How do you feel after identifying your family role/roles? (Sad, lonely, ashamed, angry, afraid, guilty, other?)

M.J. describes how her sister was assigned the role of surrogate mother. "All my life I would remember how my sister and I were best friends, how she was always there for me. I would remember how she cooked for me. She dressed me in the mornings for school. She loved me." M.J.'s sister was in the role of parental child.

Sometimes in situations like M.J.'s, the child develops a fantasy bond with the sibling that is the surrogate parent. "I couldn't understand why, now that we are adults, my sister has never come to see me. I was always the one who went to her house. I always called her on the phone.

It took me a long time, but I finally realized that it was all make-believe. This 'bonding' was a way I had learned to cope in my loneliness as a child. My mother had made my sister take care of me. I realize now that she didn't even want to. As my sister and I sat on the porch holding hands, I would fantasize that she loved me. This love, this relationship, was only in my mind; it never really existed. The reason she never called now was because she didn't want to. She never came to my house because she didn't want to."

You may need to seek God's wisdom to become aware of fantasy bonding. We urge you to do so, for this knowledge can set you on the path to have real relationships with these relatives. Even if they are not what you thought or even what you wanted, they will be authentic relationships that you can understand and predict. Your efforts may even lead to loving and intimate relationships, if your relatives are willing to consider honestly all the factors affecting your former situation.

Describe in detail any fantasy bonding you may have with family members.

Sometimes survivors of sexual abuse have difficulty letting go of the feeling of responsibility for the abuse. They cling to a fantasy bond to the abuser or another family member who could have protected them.

Have you continued to accept responsibility rather than face the truth that your bond to one or more family member is a fantasy? Describe your experience.

As you process what you have just read, continue to keep in mind what is written in Isaiah 54:4 "You will forget the shame of your youth." Recovery is hard work, but I promise you that replacing the shame is exactly what God can and will do in your life.

As you grieve the fractured relationships in your life, know that "the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18. That is such a life-giving verse for me.

I continue to pray for each of you daily.

Unit 5 Lesson 2, Dysfunctional Family Part 2

In this lesson we will study more characteristics of a dysfunctional family. As you better understand your family, you will better understand yourself and your reactions.

3. A dysfunctional family has either repressed emotions, explosive emotions, or both.

A healthy family both permits and models how to express emotions. Children learn how to identify and deal with their feelings. In a dysfunctional family certain or all emotions are forbidden. Many families transmit messages that say, "Don't express your feelings. Don't cry. Don't get upset. Don't get angry. Don't betray the family. Don't ever tell outsiders about the family secrets." These messages, as well as ones more directly stated toward you, affect your recovery. You may have been told that you are a failure, or shamed by any number of derogatory statements - all of these are characteristic of a family based in shame. You will be invited to focus on the issue of shame in detail in a later chapter. For the moment, however, evaluate how you learned to feel shame about your feelings and responses in your family.

As a child, did you learn any of these beliefs? Write which ones apply to your family... Good children honor their parents. My parents had their faults, but they loved me. If I say or think bad things about my family, I will betray them. If I say or think bad things about my family, will feel ashamed.

The first two beliefs are positive and healthy. The last two are sick rules that serve tomaintain the secrecy in a dysfunctional family system.

Describe how these beliefs affect your life and your recovery.

Survivors of sexual abuse are sometimes unable to express the feelings necessary for recovery because they learned in their family of origin that feelings were not acceptable. This is especially true if the feelings are negative and if the feelings concern a family member.

Each family member sends us messages about ourselves. The person who sexually abuses says, "You're worthless. You are no good and you are guilty." Sometimes parents send the same message, not by sexual abuse but by their words and attitudes. Maybe a sister told you that you were stupid. Possibly you had a grandfather who said you were special - a badly needed positive reinforcement. You can evaluate the messages that each person who supported and each person who abused gave you. Then you can make wise, godly and informed choices. You can choose to reject false messages!

How do you feel when you talk about the abuse? Scared, disloyal, relief, shame, guilt, other??

How have you responded to or compensated for the way your family expressed feelings?

Bill was taught that good children honor their parents. He did not understand that one way to honor a relationship is to make it real by being honest when situations are painful and difficult. As a result, he was afraid to talk about his abuse. Negative thoughts were bad things in his family so he felt guilty and shame-filled for having normal thoughts and emotions.

As you think about that, how would you like to respond now?

As you process this lesson, continue to pray for yourself and the others who are going through this study with us.

"You will forget the shame of your youth." - Isaiah 54:4

Unit 5 Lesson 1, The Dysfunctional Family Part 1

In all the groups I've led and every woman I've counseled, I have found that every family plays a huge role in one's recovery from sexual abuse. Even if you would not classify your family as "dysfunctional", please do not discount this lesson... Please read it carefully and ask God to clearly show you how your family has impacted your recovery in the past, how they are impacting you today and any changes you may need to make going forward. If you are a family member, please read this with a prayerful spirit, asking the Lord to reveal to you any missteps you've made, to give you the courage and humility to seek forgiveness from the survivor in your life (if necessary), and to show you the next right steps in order for you to lovingly offer support and encouragement as they continue their journey towards recovery. It can be very difficult for a survivor to talk to their family members about how they feel about them, so it is my hope and prayer that this lesson will help family members to understand what is running through the mind and heart of the survivor in their life.

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Family issues have a tremendous affect on recovery from sexual abuse. In some families, parents or family members may be abusers, while others parents or family members are unaware that the abuse has occurred. In other families the abuse may occur outside the boundaries of the family system. The family may or may not know about the abuse, or may not realize that something has happened to the victim. Whatever your case, with God's help you can understand the role you family played in your sexual abuse and the role they can play in your recovery.

If the father abused an incest victim, the victim must also deal with anger toward the mother. A child molested by an uncle may feel unprotected by both parents. A victim of rape may feel she cannot disclose that fact to her family if the family is emotionally shut down and incapable of giving support. In families where the child is abused by a babysitter, the child, as we would expect, has been told to obey the sitter. Often this victim has a great deal of anger toward both parents; the child believes the parents must know what is happening and therefore they must approve of it.

Many reasons contribute to a family's inability to cope with sexual abuse. No families are perfect and most families lack the tools necessary to weather the storm that sexual abuse creates. How well they survivor the trauma will depend on how well the family has learned ways of functioning as a family. In recent years, counselors have identified the common characteristics of a dysfunctional family. A knowledge of these characteristics helps us to understand sexual abuse and to recover from it.

Dysfunctional family: A family in which some behavior such as alcoholism, drug abuse, divorce, an absent father or mother, excessive anger, or verbal or physical abuse interferes with the ability of the family to do its job effectively.

In most families where sexual abuse occurs, the family clearly is dysfunctional. But this does not mean that all dysfunctional families are sexually abusive. The term dysfunctional is used to express the inability of family members to meet the God-given needs for nurture. These families are unable to communicate their feelings, both positive and negative, in a consistent and caring way. They are unable to respond to the needs of each family member.

Think about your family. In your journal, list all the primary members of the family. What does each individual represent to you? For example, who in your family represents comfort, expectations, abuse, peace, rescuing, neglect, betrayal, etc.? After writing what each individual represents to you, write down your feelings toward each person.

Characteristics of a Dysfunctional Family:

1. Needy family members receive an inappropriate proportion of the family's time, attention, and energy so that members learn to be overly-responsible toward needy people and irresponsible about themselves.
2. A dysfunctional family promotes denial and secrecy.
3. A dysfunctional family has either repressed emotions, explosive emotions or both.
4. A dysfunctional family does not teach effective living skills to the children. Children do not learn to touch, feel or trust. They learn to expect rigidity and emotional or physical abandonment.
5. A dysfunctional family squeezes the members into rigid, inappropriate roles.

As you think about these characteristics, we will begin discussing each one individually. You are encouraged to think about how each one relates to you and your sexual abuse experience.

1. Needy family members receive an inappropriate proportion of the family's time, attention and energy.

An emotionally needy family member may be one who is addicted to alcohol or drugs, or one who demonstrates other obsessive-compulsive behaviors. The energy and attention of the family is directed toward caring for the emotional needs of this family member. As a result, all of the family members become emotionally needy.

Families with addictive family members have an increased potential for sexual abuse. In a family where the focal person is an alcoholic, the unspoken rule in the family may be "Make Dad happy, then maybe he won't get drunk." In a family where there is a rage-aholic, the rule may be "Whatever you do, don't make Mom mad." In a dysfunctional family the family members operate according to these spoken and unspoken rules and not according to personal need.

Can you identify a member of your family who was emotionally needy? What affect did living in the family with this person have on you?

Did a relationship exist between this family member and the way your family dealt with the abuse? If so, describe that relationship.

2. A dysfunctional family promotes denial and secrecy

Gretchen describes many bizarre incidents of abuse by her babysitter. Sometimes she had to watch the sitter and her boyfriend have sex. Sometimes the babysitter would fondle Gretchen or would stick straws, pencils and other objects into her vagina or anus. She would tell Gretchen that she was bad and that she was ugly. Gretchen tried many times to tell her mom and dad about the abuse, but they were so busy with their own problems that they didn't seem to care or even pay attention to her. They scolded her for making a fuss about nothing.

Finally, Gretchen screamed and yelled the whole gruesome story. Both parents were shocked. They couldn't believe it. Gretchen had been very irritable, but they never dreamed what was happening while they were gone.

Although Gretchen's parents were supportive of her in general, the abuse had come at a very troubled time for the family. Once aware, however, the parents brought Gretchen to counseling and participated in family counseling as well as individual counseling. In counseling, Gretchen expressed her appropriate anger toward her parents. The parents accepted the responsibility for their seeming lack of interest, selection of the babysitter, and failure to recognize Gretchen's attempts to communicate.

Conflict is a normal part of healthy family living. Healthy families expect problems and have healthy ways of coping with them. Family members talk about issues even though someone may feel embarrassed or hurt. Family members take responsibility for their own behavior. Problems can be discussed and solutions found. In a dysfunctional family the "don't talk" rule keeps the victim of sexual abuse bound in silence, even if the crime is committed by a complete stranger.

Write in your journal about how you family solved problems when you were a child.

Families solve problems in many ways. Healthy families recognize that they have choices. If one method doesn't work, they try another. Unhealthy families often use the same dysfunctional methods over and over. Maybe your family refused to recognize problems. Often the rule is "don't rock the boat." Other dysfunctional families overreact to things so strongly that everyone is afraid to mention a problem or issue.

What effect has you family's method of responding to problems had on your abuse recovery?

Some dysfunctional families look perfectly normal on the surface. The father and mother do most of the things that parents should do. They keep and orderly house, a nice yard, food on the table and clothes in the closets. However, the family may still be dysfunctional because the parents are not emotionally present for their children.

Consider the example of Beatrice, a volunteer for a local rape crisis center. She became a victim herself. She was raped at knife point. The rape occurred one morning when Beatrice, after having breakfast with friends, returned to her apartment. Hearing a knock on her door, she peeked out and saw a man she knew, although not very well. She asked what he wanted. "I need to talk to someone," he said. One rule most crisis center teach is never to open the door under such circumstances. Unfortunately, Beatrice did open the door and was raped. Then she decided she didn't want to press charges.

When asked why she, of all people, didn't press charges, she replied that her parents told her it was her fault for opening the door and if she were to follow through on the charges, it would be an embarrassment for the family. She said it was just like when she tried to tell them about her grandfather. Her body was covered with bruises from the beating he gave her. All her parents could say was, "He didn't mean what he did," and, "What did you do to cause it?"

More of Cindy's story

Cindy shares that even when she was a very young child, she felt she could tell absolutely no one what was happening to her.

"Everyone around me seemed to have so many problems that I knew it would be useless to tell. Besides, I loved my perpetrator. When he would come home from work, I would run out to meet him. Caught in this impossible situation, I chose to keep the abuse to myself and hide from others. I never played with children in the neighborhood. To stay away from everyone seemed the safest choice. Trying to figure out if the people around me were "good" kept me too confused.

"I also remember always feeling sad, dirty, and completely alone. People frightened me. Once I lived in a place where th emothers in the neighborhood tried to be friendly and talk to me. I would run from them, wondering, "What do the want from me?" One in particular would leave me cookies, showing me from a distance that they were at her door, then going back inside her house. When I was sure she wasn't coming back outside, I would run as fast as I could to get them. I was so afraid and anxious, it seemed like miles down her walkway."

A dysfunctional family keeps the secret of sexual abuse. Other family members may or may not actually know about the abuse but everyone is aware that something is wrong. The family members work together to keep secret the fact that something is wrong, especially from non-family members. Those who are allowed access to the home are screened carefully. The family acts as though all is well and the visitor only sees the performance.

Was your family open to the outside world? Were you free to talk about your family to others?

How does this characteristic relate to your sexual abuse experience?

Many survivors keep their abuse a secret to protect the family from having to deal with the fact that the abuse is occurring. Sometimes they keep the secret because the victim fears that someone will get hurt physically or emotionally or that the family will not survive. The victim will endure the pain of the abuse rather than risk losing the family.

How and what did you do to protect the family?

The focal passage for this unit is from Isaiah 54:4, "Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth."

As I close for today, I want to encourage you to cling to that scripture. What has happened to you is not your fault. You are not to blame. You did nothing to be ashamed of. You are not a disgrace. God is ready, willing and able to rescue you from this mess. Allow Him to do just that.

I am praying for you constantly.

Abandonment

As I was surfing around the Women of Faith website today, I stumbled across a letter someone had written about the conference they'd recently attended. Here's part of her letter: "Marilyn Meberg gave a wonderful talk that gave me chills. She talked about abandonment and that we were created to be connected. There is a disconnect when one is abandoned; a feeling of shame - “Wasn’t I good enough, why did ___ leave me?” She noted that those who have been severely abandoned, especially in childhood, have a need to control others. And an intense need to never talk about that which they are most ashamed of - that something must be wrong with them to cause the other person to abandon them, they must not be worth keeping. The strange thing is, it is only through recognizing those hidden hurts and working through the hurts that one can heal. A couple good verses that pertain to the subject were: Isaiah 41:9 and John 1:12-13."

"I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, 'You are my servant'; I have chosen you and have not rejected you." Isaiah 41:9

"Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, He gave the right to become children of God— children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband's will, but born of God." John 1:12-13

As I read this, I thought of you and your recovery journey. I hope and pray everyday that you are encouraged to continue seeking Him and the wholeness that only He can provide.

Unit 4 lesson 2, I've Been Betrayed!

Webster's defines betray as "to lead astray, to seduce by false promise, to desert in time of need."

There is no question that a victim of sexual abuse is led astray by the effects of the abuse. And, for many, seduction is a part of the victimization. And most importantly, a victim is deserted in their time of need. A child in need of a healthy relationship with a parent is abandoned in the world of incest. The youth in need of spiritual guidance is betrayed by her minister when the relationship becomes sexual...

In your journal, describe your feelings toward those people who betrayed you.

As I read back over my answer from last year, what stood out to me was, "I feel like an orphan. My parents betrayed me. My birth father abandoned me as a baby. My adopted father sexually abused me and my mother knew about it and chose to look the other way. No one cared about me or did anything to help me - an innocent child! Because of their decisions to harm me and my decision to no longer accept it, I am left without a family. And the things they did turned me into a different person!" The abandonment and desertion in my life is glaringly obvious... It was harder for me to see just how much I'd been led astray. It took a long time for me to accept that the things they'd done (these people whom I so desperately wanted to love me) had completely changed me. Their actions changed how I thought of myself and the world... how I acted, what I believe in, what I valued, what I sought after, etc. Their betrayal had impacted my life in profound and devastating ways.

What about God?

At some point, most victims wonder where God was during the abuse. "Why didn't he stop it? Why did he allow it? Why didn't he help me? Why didn't he kill my abuser? He wasn't there for me then and I don't feel him now."

Consider these biblical teachings that relate to sexual abuse -

• God considers sexual abuse to serious that in the Old Testament the penalty for sexual abuse was death. Leviticus 18 clearly sets forth the rules God intended for humankind's behavior. Sex with a child, with a blood relative, or rape all carried the death sentence.
• God has granted the freedom of choice to people. They can choose right or wrong. Psalm 115:16 tells us that "the heavens are the heavens of the Lord; but the earth He has given to the sons of men."

God is all about relationships. Above all else, He wants us to love Him. Then we are to love our neighbor as ourselves. In order for us to truly love though, we have to have the freedom to choose. And with this freedom to choose love, comes the freedom to choose evil... He gave us free will to love Him or reject Him. If he forced us always to do the right thing, there would be no true love - we would merely be robots who automatically act a certain way.

• God did not cause the abuse. He refuses to treat us the way those who commit sexual abuse treat their victims - by imposing their will on their victims. God does not force people to do what He wants them to do!
• Horrible suffering occurs on this planet because people use their free will to do terrible things to each other. God's unfailing promise in this setting, however, is to bring us through all abuses or problems triumphantly as we commit our lives to Him.

God also promises to bring justice to perpetrators. All people are accountable for the choices that they make on this earth. God gave us a manual that told us how to relate to others. This manual is the Bible. Every victim's path has been crossed by someone who chose a path opposite to God's direct instructions. You were betrayed, but you were not betrayed by God.

The Hebrew word for betray means "to cause to fall" or "to deceive, in order to betray". God does not deceive humankind, and no word int he Bible suggests that God betrays people. The Bible is given to instruct us, lead us, and cause us to rise up and be blessed. Abuse is not a blessing, nor is it a way for God to "teach us a lesson". It is a betrayal by people. God is the One who redeems and restores.

How are you feeling toward God regarding your abuse? Angry, betrayed, confused, alone, other.

Are you willing to allow God to lead you to recovery?

Can you identify any barriers, especially beliefs or ideas, that keep you from reaching out to God for help in your recovery? (You are welcome to share these in the comments or in a private email to me if you'd like.)

Everyone struggles with questions about God, but at some point, we must understand that "He is our help." (Psalm 115:9-11) We live in a fallen world that will always have affliction, but God promises that He will never forsake us or leave us. God will rescue us.

Psalm 27:10 says "When my mother and my father forsake me, then the Lord will take me up." What does that verse mean to you? Take some time to tell God...