As I was surfing around the Women of Faith website today, I stumbled across a letter someone had written about the conference they'd recently attended. Here's part of her letter: "Marilyn Meberg gave a wonderful talk that gave me chills. She talked about abandonment and that we were created to be connected. There is a disconnect when one is abandoned; a feeling of shame - “Wasn’t I good enough, why did ___ leave me?” She noted that those who have been severely abandoned, especially in childhood, have a need to control others. And an intense need to never talk about that which they are most ashamed of - that something must be wrong with them to cause the other person to abandon them, they must not be worth keeping. The strange thing is, it is only through recognizing those hidden hurts and working through the hurts that one can heal. A couple good verses that pertain to the subject were: Isaiah 41:9 and John 1:12-13."
"I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, 'You are my servant'; I have chosen you and have not rejected you." Isaiah 41:9
"Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, He gave the right to become children of God— children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband's will, but born of God." John 1:12-13
As I read this, I thought of you and your recovery journey. I hope and pray everyday that you are encouraged to continue seeking Him and the wholeness that only He can provide.
Showing posts with label Symptoms of abuse. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Symptoms of abuse. Show all posts
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Memories during intimacy
Intimacy isn’t discussed until unit 12, but I received this question via email today. Others of you might have this same question, so I wanted to post it.
Question: I just wondered if you still relive all of the past every time you are feeling intimate. I have found that to be something that I can't escape...I don't feel like I struggle with the situation anymore, just the fact that I can't erase the memories.
My response: I am so sorry that you are dealing with that. It is certainly not the way God intended for marital intimacy.
Having memories or difficulty being intimate is not uncommon for survivors, but it is one reaction that I have been blessed to not have had to deal with very much. There are a few behaviors or word phrases that trigger memories, but not a great deal. When I experience something that triggers a memory, I always tell my husband and he immediately stops whatever it is. Not only does he stop, but he is also compassionate, understanding and even apologetic. While he does not mean to scare or upset me, I always appreciate that he understands and does whatever is needed to comfort me. But I had to TELL him about the feelings in order for him to know.
Here is a story directly out of Shelter From The Storm that might help...
One husband and wife came to the counseling office because the wife did not want to have sexual intercourse with her husband. She was in denial as a result of the abuse, and he was very angry because she refused to have sex with him. To his dismay, the counselor suggested abstinence from sex for a period of time so the wife could begin to deal with the past sexual issues. He agreed only because, as he said, "That's what's happening anyway - so it couldn't be any worse." Fortunately, in spite of his initial reluctance, the husband was able to reach deep inside himself to help his wife. God was able to touch their lives, although inside during the early part of the wife's recovery, she simply was not functioning. This story ended in a great victory for both husband and wife.
She said, "For the first time, sex is good. I never knew or understood the intimacy that God intended for me through sex. How distorted it was for me in the past, but now the most beautiful part is how tenderly my husband sees me. I want to say it is a miracle, but I realize this is really just how God meant it to be."
This husband chose to support, accept and understand. He and his wife certainly had good days and bad days in the process of recovery, but they chose to forgive and try again to continue on their long journey through the storm.
A question that goes along with what you've asked is, "How do I get the memories to go away?" I'm going to take a stab at answering that, but I think it's just about as mysterious as explaining prayer... In my journey, I have discovered that as I've processed my story over and over again, I have addressed different parts of it and experienced healing every time. I am going through the Shelter study for the third time right now, and I am learning new things everyday! Recovery is not a one-time thing, unfortunately. While you may be functioning at a very high and healthy level most of the time, it sounds like more healing needs to take place in order for you to experience the joys that God intended in intimacy. Something that has been key in my life is that my old cruddy memories are being drown out by new good ones. Even good memories from the past!
A good analogy is this visual that one of our church pastor's does... Fill a clear glass half-full with water. When we were born, it was clear - pure, innocent, unadulterated. Then someone did something awful to us that changed us (add dark food coloring to change the water color to a muddied, dirty color). The water’s color represents how we feel now - dark, dirty, damaged, impure, etc. How does the water in our cup ever run clear again? The answer - someone (God, our spouse, children, friends, etc.) needs to pour clear water (love, joy, peace, understanding, forgiveness, acceptance, compassion, concern, protection, provision, etc) into our cup. The new clear water will begin to dilute the dark-colored water... and with enough clear water, the muddied waters are almost completely gone. That is how other people are able to make such an impact on our lives - through what they pour into us.
Another vital piece would be to specifically pray that God would minimize the bad memories and direct your steps so that you can enjoy sex. Ask Him if there are things you can do to help prepare your mind for intimacy. I have one friend that sometimes prays during sex. That might sound a little awkward, but I'd certainly prefer to invite God into the bedroom before my abuser!
Thank you for trusting me with this question. I am here to talk anytime, friend.
If you have experienced this and have anything to add to the conversation, please feel free to comment.
Question: I just wondered if you still relive all of the past every time you are feeling intimate. I have found that to be something that I can't escape...I don't feel like I struggle with the situation anymore, just the fact that I can't erase the memories.
My response: I am so sorry that you are dealing with that. It is certainly not the way God intended for marital intimacy.
Having memories or difficulty being intimate is not uncommon for survivors, but it is one reaction that I have been blessed to not have had to deal with very much. There are a few behaviors or word phrases that trigger memories, but not a great deal. When I experience something that triggers a memory, I always tell my husband and he immediately stops whatever it is. Not only does he stop, but he is also compassionate, understanding and even apologetic. While he does not mean to scare or upset me, I always appreciate that he understands and does whatever is needed to comfort me. But I had to TELL him about the feelings in order for him to know.
Here is a story directly out of Shelter From The Storm that might help...
One husband and wife came to the counseling office because the wife did not want to have sexual intercourse with her husband. She was in denial as a result of the abuse, and he was very angry because she refused to have sex with him. To his dismay, the counselor suggested abstinence from sex for a period of time so the wife could begin to deal with the past sexual issues. He agreed only because, as he said, "That's what's happening anyway - so it couldn't be any worse." Fortunately, in spite of his initial reluctance, the husband was able to reach deep inside himself to help his wife. God was able to touch their lives, although inside during the early part of the wife's recovery, she simply was not functioning. This story ended in a great victory for both husband and wife.
She said, "For the first time, sex is good. I never knew or understood the intimacy that God intended for me through sex. How distorted it was for me in the past, but now the most beautiful part is how tenderly my husband sees me. I want to say it is a miracle, but I realize this is really just how God meant it to be."
This husband chose to support, accept and understand. He and his wife certainly had good days and bad days in the process of recovery, but they chose to forgive and try again to continue on their long journey through the storm.
A question that goes along with what you've asked is, "How do I get the memories to go away?" I'm going to take a stab at answering that, but I think it's just about as mysterious as explaining prayer... In my journey, I have discovered that as I've processed my story over and over again, I have addressed different parts of it and experienced healing every time. I am going through the Shelter study for the third time right now, and I am learning new things everyday! Recovery is not a one-time thing, unfortunately. While you may be functioning at a very high and healthy level most of the time, it sounds like more healing needs to take place in order for you to experience the joys that God intended in intimacy. Something that has been key in my life is that my old cruddy memories are being drown out by new good ones. Even good memories from the past!
A good analogy is this visual that one of our church pastor's does... Fill a clear glass half-full with water. When we were born, it was clear - pure, innocent, unadulterated. Then someone did something awful to us that changed us (add dark food coloring to change the water color to a muddied, dirty color). The water’s color represents how we feel now - dark, dirty, damaged, impure, etc. How does the water in our cup ever run clear again? The answer - someone (God, our spouse, children, friends, etc.) needs to pour clear water (love, joy, peace, understanding, forgiveness, acceptance, compassion, concern, protection, provision, etc) into our cup. The new clear water will begin to dilute the dark-colored water... and with enough clear water, the muddied waters are almost completely gone. That is how other people are able to make such an impact on our lives - through what they pour into us.
Another vital piece would be to specifically pray that God would minimize the bad memories and direct your steps so that you can enjoy sex. Ask Him if there are things you can do to help prepare your mind for intimacy. I have one friend that sometimes prays during sex. That might sound a little awkward, but I'd certainly prefer to invite God into the bedroom before my abuser!
Thank you for trusting me with this question. I am here to talk anytime, friend.
If you have experienced this and have anything to add to the conversation, please feel free to comment.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Unit 2 Lesson 4, Symptoms of Abuse, Part 2
So, I felt like there was a lot to take in yesterday... This is my 3rd time through this study. I saw counselors regularly from age 12-20, then counseled a little more again around age 30. I still check-in with a counselor a couple times a year, but no longer for things specifically related to sexual abuse. Anyway, my point is... Even with all that counseling under my belt, the specifics of how a person can hurt another makes me sick at my stomach - especially when we're talking about child abuse. So, if you've had a hard time reading the last couple of entries and are having some flashbacks, insomnia, etc. - know that you are not alone. Read the entries at your own pace -- this is not about speed reading, it's about HEALING. And to heal we must go through this painful process of dealing with things...
For the second half of the symptoms:
I can carry on about the many symptoms above that have played out in my life, but it's getting late and I've been feeling a bit under the weather today. Please write in the comments or email me privately if you'd like to "talk" about how these things have or are impacting your life. I'm all ears.
I want to close with this excerpt from the book -
I made a new blogger friend today. We've been reading each others blogs and something she wrote just reached into the depths of my heart so I had to email her to "chat" a little in private. She sent me a nice note back and then mentioned me in her blog tonight. She called me "an amazing person". And while I am deeply humbled that she would say that, I want you all to know that I am a super ordinary person. I do not have some extra special Leigh-only gift that enabled me to overcome my abusive childhood. I AM JUST LIKE YOU. I was a big mess and fought most of my recovery tooth and nail. The LAST recovery thing I did was to forgive my mom, and there are still days where I have to forgive it all over again. And I have days when I don't want to - when I want to be mad, hold a grudge, get even, etc... I am soooooo very normal, average and ordinary. My recovery has not been made possible by anything I did, but by everything that Jesus did. Well, I guess I did choose to let Him handle things, and I choose to believe all that the Bible tells me about Him and me. But, from where I'm sitting, why wouldn't I? From a purely selfish standpoint, the Bible is the place that tells me that I'm fearfully and wonderfully made, that the Lord is close to the brokenhearted, that the Lord is just and justice will be His, and that He knows the plans he has for me - not to hurt me but to prosper me. So, I'm not amazing - God is. As my pastor recently put it, I hope that you are not impressed with me, but with the JESUS IN ME. A bit cheesy, but so true.
For the second half of the symptoms:
- Perfectionism - Do you want everyone and everything to be in order? Do you have rigid or high standards? Do you expect everyone to meet your standards and become angry or disappointed when they don't? Do you get stressed out when your home/appearance/children/etc. are not "perfect"?
- Performance/need for achievement - Are you highly driven to succeed? Do you find that being good is not good enough, you must be the best? Do you feel that you must earn the right to be happy or worthy?
- Repeatedly feeling betrayed - Do you feel like everything that goes "wrong" has gone wrong because someone wanted to hurt/offend you on purpose? Do you feel that everyone is against you? Do you feel that if your husband/roommate/children leaves the kitchen a mess that it was some sort of personal attack on you?
- Fear - Is your mind full of all the bad things that could go wrong? Do you fear the dark, being alone, being abandoned, getting sick? Are you unable to do certain things because of your fears?
- Withdrawal - Do you isolate yourself from others? Do you avoid social situations? Are you nervous and uncomfortable in a crowd, thinking that no one will like you so you should not even be there? Do you make yourself "too busy" so that you can politely turn down invitations and then privately feel sad that "no one likes you" or that "you're not part of the in crowd"?
- Anxiety/sense of doom - Do you become anxious for what appears to be no good reason? Do you feel like you can't try anything because you're just sure you'll mess it up? Do you feel like you're just one big mistake?
- Repeated victimization - Have you been victimized over and over again? Do you blame yourself, telling yourself that you must be doing something to cause all of this mistreatment?
- Seductive behavior - Do you dress to call attention to yourself? Do you enjoy the attention you get from others when you dress sexy? Does it somehow prove that you are attractive?
- Anger and depression - Do you go through periods where you have no energy? Do you just want to lie down? Do you want to avoid people and relationships? Do you feel angry when others try to get you to do things with them? Do you just want to go to your room and shut the blinds?
- Codependency - In your relationships, are you either being controlled or controlling? Do you impose your expectations on those you are in relationships with? Are you jealous when your friends have other friends? Do you want people to need you? Do you feel important when you are helping your friends? Does that validate you?
- Self-destructive behavior - Do you go from one conflict to another with your friends and family? Do you lie, knowing that you will get caught? Do you eat when you're not hungry? Or hurt yourself because you think it's the only way to relieve the emotional torment, and justify the hurting behavior saying that you deserve whatever physical pain comes your way?
I can carry on about the many symptoms above that have played out in my life, but it's getting late and I've been feeling a bit under the weather today. Please write in the comments or email me privately if you'd like to "talk" about how these things have or are impacting your life. I'm all ears.
I want to close with this excerpt from the book -
The Overcomer's Hopes
In Christ I can -- live without fear controlling me.
- live without being controlled by others.
- live without needing to control others.
- live without condemnation or condemning others.
- live without shame and guilt.
- live where I know the difference between what is safe and what is not safe.
- live without rage, hate and depression.
- live with stable emotions.
- live with joy and happiness - even in the midst of trails.
- live with peace and love.
- live without helplessness.
- live understanding my value in Christ.
- live where I can be intimate with others.
- live where I can trust others who are trustworthy.
- live with a deep relationship with God.
I made a new blogger friend today. We've been reading each others blogs and something she wrote just reached into the depths of my heart so I had to email her to "chat" a little in private. She sent me a nice note back and then mentioned me in her blog tonight. She called me "an amazing person". And while I am deeply humbled that she would say that, I want you all to know that I am a super ordinary person. I do not have some extra special Leigh-only gift that enabled me to overcome my abusive childhood. I AM JUST LIKE YOU. I was a big mess and fought most of my recovery tooth and nail. The LAST recovery thing I did was to forgive my mom, and there are still days where I have to forgive it all over again. And I have days when I don't want to - when I want to be mad, hold a grudge, get even, etc... I am soooooo very normal, average and ordinary. My recovery has not been made possible by anything I did, but by everything that Jesus did. Well, I guess I did choose to let Him handle things, and I choose to believe all that the Bible tells me about Him and me. But, from where I'm sitting, why wouldn't I? From a purely selfish standpoint, the Bible is the place that tells me that I'm fearfully and wonderfully made, that the Lord is close to the brokenhearted, that the Lord is just and justice will be His, and that He knows the plans he has for me - not to hurt me but to prosper me. So, I'm not amazing - God is. As my pastor recently put it, I hope that you are not impressed with me, but with the JESUS IN ME. A bit cheesy, but so true.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Unit 2 Lesson 3, Symptoms of Abuse, Part 1
Trust is a difficult issue for survivors of sexual abuse, but I want to encourage you to trust God as much as you can. The Bible tells us that He understands when we cannot. God responds to faith as small as a mustard seed! Don't become bogged down trying to remember things from the past. Allow God to reveal insights and memories according to His will and timing. This will keep you from getting too overwhelmed and will enable you to deal with them one by one.
We are going to spend the next two days talking about "symptoms" of sexual abuse. However, before we get started, I want to clarify that these symptoms alone do not mean a person has been sexually abused. There could be many explanations for these behaviors/issues, but they are tendencies that are common to victims of sexual abuse. In some ways these behaviors allowed us to survive. As you process through these tendencies, remember that valuing yourself and your ability to cope is the first step in choosing to make positive changes in your life.
Symptoms/behaviors/tendencies:
I was going through a divorce when my (current) husband and I began dating. I was beginning to recognize some major missteps I'd taken and really wanted to turn my life around. I became painfully honest with myself, started keeping a journal, and was also very honest with my (now) husband.
The three things I used to cope were alcohol, relationships and exercise.
I was not an alcoholic. I didn't drink alcohol frequently, but when I did drink it was very excessively. I drank when things were difficult. Even now, if I have an especially difficult day, I catch myself thinking "I need a drink!" It is this "take the edge off" mentality... But it really didn't take the edge off of anything, it only allowed me to postpone feeling whatever I was feeling. I have never once had a drink because I enjoy the taste of it - my intention with every drink was to consume enough that my problems would go away.
Relationships, interestingly enough, were another thing I used to cope. I couldn't be "alone", and anytime I was on the verge of ending a relationship, I would never do so until I had another one lined up. I was not a confrontational person and didn't have enough confidence in myself that any problem could be worked out... So, at the first sign of trouble, I would come up with my exit plan. Reject before being rejected. This applied to both friendships and boyfriend relationships; which explains why I didn't have my first meaningful, mutual and lasting friendship until I was 30 years old.
As a teenager, I was a runner. I ran track for five years. Never a sprint - always distance. I wasn't a fast runner, but I had stamina. The reason for this is because I used exercise as a way to literally run away from my problems and as a way to torture my body. This is the hardest for me to write about, because the tall, slender physique I inherited is getting less slender every year and I'm scared to exercise. Exercise - running, aerobics and gym memberships - have always been associated with stuffing my problems. I need to learn to exercise again. I know that life will never be problem free, so I'm faced with the issue of whether or not I can exercise in a healthy way.
I have chosen to never drink again and do not join social networking sites like FaceBook or My Space. I don't need those temptations in my life, as they can be slippery slopes for me should I ever find myself dealing with a crisis, anger or heartache (which we know WILL come!). So, I avoid them. However, I cannot avoid exercise - not if I want to live a long, healthy life. So, this is an area that I have to begin surrendering to Christ and expecting Him to help me discover a healthy way to do it. Such a scary thought.
There is still a second half of the "symptoms" remaining to be discussed tomorrow... Do you relate to any I've written about so far? Have you experienced any growth with any of these tendencies or are you currently struggling with any? Please feel free to respond in the comments. This blog receives about 100 hits each week, so there are many survivors hanging around here. You never know who might need your encouragement or who might have the perfect encouragement for you. Thanks so much for taking the time to read, and thanks in advance for sharing and growing with others!
We are going to spend the next two days talking about "symptoms" of sexual abuse. However, before we get started, I want to clarify that these symptoms alone do not mean a person has been sexually abused. There could be many explanations for these behaviors/issues, but they are tendencies that are common to victims of sexual abuse. In some ways these behaviors allowed us to survive. As you process through these tendencies, remember that valuing yourself and your ability to cope is the first step in choosing to make positive changes in your life.
Symptoms/behaviors/tendencies:
- Headaches/migraines/stomach aches
- Sleeplessness/oversleeping - Do you suffer from severe insomnia or sleep for days on end?
- Sexual difficulties - Do you want to stop sleeping with others but can't stop yourself for fear of rejection? Do you swing unpredictably from romantic and affectionate one day to not wanting your partner to even touch you the next? Are you unable to participate in certain sexual behavior? Are you promiscuous?
- Low self-esteem - Do you think that you are no good because someone told you that while they were abusing you? Do you think no one will ever love you because your parents didn't? Do you think you are dirty or damaged goods?
- Lack of healthy boundaries - Are you completely unable to tell someone no? When someone says no to you, do you feel rejected? Are you easily walked on? Do you put up with mistreatment rather than risk losing a relationship by standing up for yourself?
- Rage - Do you fly into a rage when you're upset? Are your children afraid of you? Do you yell and scream a lot?
- Over-reaction to people and situations - Do you have panic attacks? Are you paranoid? Do you think that every time someone is upset or in a bad mood it's because you've done something wrong? Are you easily startled?
- Addictions - Do you eat/drink/smoke/use drugs/etc. so that you can escape your problems? Do you medicate your feelings with compulsive behaviors? Not eating at all, overspending, working excessive hours, keeping yourself busy with church/volunteer activities?
- Spacing out - Do you find that you are oblivious to what is going on around you sometimes? Do you check out and stop paying attention?
- Memory block - Are you unable to remember parts of your life? Have you blocked it from your memory?
I was going through a divorce when my (current) husband and I began dating. I was beginning to recognize some major missteps I'd taken and really wanted to turn my life around. I became painfully honest with myself, started keeping a journal, and was also very honest with my (now) husband.
The three things I used to cope were alcohol, relationships and exercise.
I was not an alcoholic. I didn't drink alcohol frequently, but when I did drink it was very excessively. I drank when things were difficult. Even now, if I have an especially difficult day, I catch myself thinking "I need a drink!" It is this "take the edge off" mentality... But it really didn't take the edge off of anything, it only allowed me to postpone feeling whatever I was feeling. I have never once had a drink because I enjoy the taste of it - my intention with every drink was to consume enough that my problems would go away.
Relationships, interestingly enough, were another thing I used to cope. I couldn't be "alone", and anytime I was on the verge of ending a relationship, I would never do so until I had another one lined up. I was not a confrontational person and didn't have enough confidence in myself that any problem could be worked out... So, at the first sign of trouble, I would come up with my exit plan. Reject before being rejected. This applied to both friendships and boyfriend relationships; which explains why I didn't have my first meaningful, mutual and lasting friendship until I was 30 years old.
As a teenager, I was a runner. I ran track for five years. Never a sprint - always distance. I wasn't a fast runner, but I had stamina. The reason for this is because I used exercise as a way to literally run away from my problems and as a way to torture my body. This is the hardest for me to write about, because the tall, slender physique I inherited is getting less slender every year and I'm scared to exercise. Exercise - running, aerobics and gym memberships - have always been associated with stuffing my problems. I need to learn to exercise again. I know that life will never be problem free, so I'm faced with the issue of whether or not I can exercise in a healthy way.
I have chosen to never drink again and do not join social networking sites like FaceBook or My Space. I don't need those temptations in my life, as they can be slippery slopes for me should I ever find myself dealing with a crisis, anger or heartache (which we know WILL come!). So, I avoid them. However, I cannot avoid exercise - not if I want to live a long, healthy life. So, this is an area that I have to begin surrendering to Christ and expecting Him to help me discover a healthy way to do it. Such a scary thought.
There is still a second half of the "symptoms" remaining to be discussed tomorrow... Do you relate to any I've written about so far? Have you experienced any growth with any of these tendencies or are you currently struggling with any? Please feel free to respond in the comments. This blog receives about 100 hits each week, so there are many survivors hanging around here. You never know who might need your encouragement or who might have the perfect encouragement for you. Thanks so much for taking the time to read, and thanks in advance for sharing and growing with others!
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Unit 2 Lesson 1, Recovery Is Possible!
The goal for this week is to recognize and accept that if you have been sexually abused, your life includes personal and relational tendencies that are similar to those of other survivors of sexual abuse.
Life for someone who has been sexually abused often resembles living in a storm. Things might feel out of control, hopeless, chaotic, never-ending, devastating and completely messy. Many struggle with depression, a drive to prove ourselves or earn someone's approval, or a need to be in control of all things. You may be feeling inappropriately guilty or ashamed. And some survivors feel absolutely nothing at all.
This lesson begins with one of the book's authors sharing part of her story. Here is what Cindy Kubetin writes: (Make note of any words or phrases that describe your experience too. Is there any part of Cindy's story that you would like to have in your life?)
"From personal experience, I know that healing from sexual abuse is possible. The process may be slow and will include pain, setbacks and frustrations. The awesome power of God is available to overcome these obstacles. Isaiah 57:18 describes how God restores, heals and gives comfort. Many years elapsed before I felt the comfort or received the wholeness, however. As a very young child, I began to isolate myself from others because of sexual abuse from someone I loved and believed was there for me. My memory is too sketchy for me to be sure of the extent of the abuse prior to age seven. I don't know if more than one person abused me in those early years. I do know that at least ten people had sexually abused me by the time I reached adulthood.
"To fix vividly in my mind that I had been a victim took many years. Somehow the abuses just seemed like something that happened to me. I felt devastated when I actually recognized that I had been a victim of childhood sexual abuse. I felt more shame than ever. My flashbacks became more frequent, and I felt despicable and worthless. As God's restorative power began to take hold of me, however, I not only saw myself as a victim but I began to see that to become a survivor was possible. I even began to feel a joy in having survived so much. I saw more positive things about myself than I ever had, and even learned to risk myself a little more. I liked this stage, but there was still too much pain inside, too much anxiety and fear. Also, I continued making grave mistakes in my life. It seemed so obvious that I didn't have it together yet!
"By this time, I had begun to seek God in my life. I wanted the mental torment to stop, not just for a day, but for a lifetime. But when I read the Bible's wonderful promises, I was sure that they applied to someone else; surely this book couldn't have been written to help me. I couldn't yet see the Bible as a resource for me. I hadn't begun to understand the way of Jesus - that He wanted me to have good things in life, not just bad things. I didn't understand that God wanted to redeem my life. But I kept reading, and for me Psalm 103:4-5 explained the Lord's way quite well. As I read these words my heart pounded with hope. A real and personal God was still difficult to believe, but I knew that even a little faith was better than none."
"I have seen his ways, but I will heal him; I will guide him and restore comfort to him." Isaiah 57:18
"Who redeems your life from the pit; who crowns you with lovingkindness and compassion; who satisfies your years with good things, so that your youth is renewed like the eagle." Psalm 103:4-5
Spend some time reflecting on this part of Cindy's story and answer the questions posed earlier.
*************************************
As we more forward on our recovery journey, it is important to understand what sexual abuse is. Many people think that sexual abuse is limited to intercourse, but there are many other behaviors that can result in the same damage to the victim.
Any sexual activity carried out in an inappropriate context is abusive. A complete definition of sexual abuse would be as broad as the range of human activity. But, with a narrow definition, both victims and perpetrators tend to minimize the harmful results or even deny that sexual abuse has occurred. Therefore, we will define sexual abuse as any sexual activity - verbal, visual or physical - engaged in without consent, which may be emotionally or physically harmful and which exploits a person in order to meet another person's sexual or emotional needs. The person does not consent if he or she cannot reasonably choose to consent or refuse because of age, circumstances, level of understanding, and dependency or relationship to the offender.
During unit 2 we will discuss some different types of abuse, we will go into detail about the many ways sexual abuse can impact our lives, and we will close with the affirmation that restoration is possible.
This week's memory verse is from Psalm 103:5 (NASB), "Who satisfies your years with good things, so that your youth is renewed like the eagle." The NLT puts it this way, "He fills my life with good things. My youth is renewed like the eagle's." I've said before that I am not a Bible scholar, but when I reflect on this scripture I believe it's telling me that God wants to replace the junk with his good stuff ... he wants to replace my pain with His peace, and my sorrow with His joy, and my hopelessness with His expectation and wonder. He wants to mend my broken wing so that I might fly again like the eagle.
The work we will do this week will affirm for you that you were, in fact, sexually abused. When we discuss the "symptoms" of abuse, you will clearly see that you are not alone and will see just how deeply impacted you have been by sexual abuse. In recognizing that, it is my hope that you will also see every reason to recover and not allow the abuse to control your life.
I love so much what one survivor recently told me... "I have been recovering from sexual abuse for over 30 years. Some days are still really hard, but it doesn't ruin my life anymore." I want that for all of us - that it won't ruin our lives anymore.
Life for someone who has been sexually abused often resembles living in a storm. Things might feel out of control, hopeless, chaotic, never-ending, devastating and completely messy. Many struggle with depression, a drive to prove ourselves or earn someone's approval, or a need to be in control of all things. You may be feeling inappropriately guilty or ashamed. And some survivors feel absolutely nothing at all.
This lesson begins with one of the book's authors sharing part of her story. Here is what Cindy Kubetin writes: (Make note of any words or phrases that describe your experience too. Is there any part of Cindy's story that you would like to have in your life?)
"From personal experience, I know that healing from sexual abuse is possible. The process may be slow and will include pain, setbacks and frustrations. The awesome power of God is available to overcome these obstacles. Isaiah 57:18 describes how God restores, heals and gives comfort. Many years elapsed before I felt the comfort or received the wholeness, however. As a very young child, I began to isolate myself from others because of sexual abuse from someone I loved and believed was there for me. My memory is too sketchy for me to be sure of the extent of the abuse prior to age seven. I don't know if more than one person abused me in those early years. I do know that at least ten people had sexually abused me by the time I reached adulthood.
"To fix vividly in my mind that I had been a victim took many years. Somehow the abuses just seemed like something that happened to me. I felt devastated when I actually recognized that I had been a victim of childhood sexual abuse. I felt more shame than ever. My flashbacks became more frequent, and I felt despicable and worthless. As God's restorative power began to take hold of me, however, I not only saw myself as a victim but I began to see that to become a survivor was possible. I even began to feel a joy in having survived so much. I saw more positive things about myself than I ever had, and even learned to risk myself a little more. I liked this stage, but there was still too much pain inside, too much anxiety and fear. Also, I continued making grave mistakes in my life. It seemed so obvious that I didn't have it together yet!
"By this time, I had begun to seek God in my life. I wanted the mental torment to stop, not just for a day, but for a lifetime. But when I read the Bible's wonderful promises, I was sure that they applied to someone else; surely this book couldn't have been written to help me. I couldn't yet see the Bible as a resource for me. I hadn't begun to understand the way of Jesus - that He wanted me to have good things in life, not just bad things. I didn't understand that God wanted to redeem my life. But I kept reading, and for me Psalm 103:4-5 explained the Lord's way quite well. As I read these words my heart pounded with hope. A real and personal God was still difficult to believe, but I knew that even a little faith was better than none."
"I have seen his ways, but I will heal him; I will guide him and restore comfort to him." Isaiah 57:18
"Who redeems your life from the pit; who crowns you with lovingkindness and compassion; who satisfies your years with good things, so that your youth is renewed like the eagle." Psalm 103:4-5
Spend some time reflecting on this part of Cindy's story and answer the questions posed earlier.
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As we more forward on our recovery journey, it is important to understand what sexual abuse is. Many people think that sexual abuse is limited to intercourse, but there are many other behaviors that can result in the same damage to the victim.
Any sexual activity carried out in an inappropriate context is abusive. A complete definition of sexual abuse would be as broad as the range of human activity. But, with a narrow definition, both victims and perpetrators tend to minimize the harmful results or even deny that sexual abuse has occurred. Therefore, we will define sexual abuse as any sexual activity - verbal, visual or physical - engaged in without consent, which may be emotionally or physically harmful and which exploits a person in order to meet another person's sexual or emotional needs. The person does not consent if he or she cannot reasonably choose to consent or refuse because of age, circumstances, level of understanding, and dependency or relationship to the offender.
During unit 2 we will discuss some different types of abuse, we will go into detail about the many ways sexual abuse can impact our lives, and we will close with the affirmation that restoration is possible.
This week's memory verse is from Psalm 103:5 (NASB), "Who satisfies your years with good things, so that your youth is renewed like the eagle." The NLT puts it this way, "He fills my life with good things. My youth is renewed like the eagle's." I've said before that I am not a Bible scholar, but when I reflect on this scripture I believe it's telling me that God wants to replace the junk with his good stuff ... he wants to replace my pain with His peace, and my sorrow with His joy, and my hopelessness with His expectation and wonder. He wants to mend my broken wing so that I might fly again like the eagle.
The work we will do this week will affirm for you that you were, in fact, sexually abused. When we discuss the "symptoms" of abuse, you will clearly see that you are not alone and will see just how deeply impacted you have been by sexual abuse. In recognizing that, it is my hope that you will also see every reason to recover and not allow the abuse to control your life.
I love so much what one survivor recently told me... "I have been recovering from sexual abuse for over 30 years. Some days are still really hard, but it doesn't ruin my life anymore." I want that for all of us - that it won't ruin our lives anymore.
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