Unit 7 Lesson 2, Healthy Anger, Part2

Anger is part of God's nature.  The New Testament records that Jesus expressed anger on several occasions.  We can conclude that anger in itself is not bad, but unresolved anger becomes destructive.  Unresolved anger inevitably causes us inner turmoil.  The Bible says in Ephesians 4:26, "Be angry, and yet do not sin" (NASB).  Most of us know how to be angry, but what we need to learn is how to be angry without sinning.

Anger is  apart of God's nature.

How do you feel about that statement?  What effect does the fact that anger is a part of God's nature have on your recovery?

Anger is a signal that God has given us, just as pain is a signal.  Anger tells us that we rae being hurt, that something is wrong, or perhaps that someone is demanding too much.  Sometimes our anger becomes generalized and we us it as a defense.  When you understand the simple dynamics of anger, you see that, as a survivor of abuse, you have been deeply hurt.  Anger would be a natural response.  To remove that anger, you need to acknowledge it.  Hurt may be a residual emotion that you feel even after you have dealt with the anger.  You may express your anger in sudden outbursts, or you may reveal it in passive ways such as isolation or depression.  If you have displayed your anger in unproductive ways, you will probably retain that anger until you can learn how to release it positively, and use it to find out more about yourself instead of lashing out against yourself and others. 

Anger is a surface emotion.  Underneath the anger you will usually find other feelings that also need expression.

In your journal, write the feeling words that create the greatest emotional response...

Hurt     Rejection     Shame     Used     Humiliation     Alone     Unimportant

You may be using you ranger to protect yourself from feeling humiliated, used or hurt.  To feel anger is less painful than to feel the underlying emotion.

When you have been rejected, humiliated, used or when you have been hurt mentally, physically, or emotionally, the normal response is to become angry.  A young woman who had been a child victim of sexual abuse described how rejected and humiliated she felt as a young girl when the police came to her house.  She said, "I had been walking home from school when a man approached who said he would give me candy.  I never got candy, even though I went to the woods with him.  He raped me.  I was so sore, and blood was all over me.  He tore my dress.  A woman had seen me go with him, but it was over so quickly.  My mother got real mad at me and kept saying, "How could you be so stupid as to go anywhere with a stranger?"  With tha tstatement, my mother gave me a good weapon to punish myself.  I was so confused.  I didn't think anything could feel worse than what he did to me, but this was worse.  I thought, She's right, my mom's right.  Why did I go into the woods?  I was stupid.  I hate myself."

Because we have trained ourselves not to feel our emotions, sometimes we can more easily feel angry about the ause that happened to someone else.  In your journal, describe your feelings about what happened to the little girl you just read about.

Describe your feelings about the fact that the victim was blamed for the abuse.

Is your story similar to the story of the little girl?  Explain.

When Bill read the story it reminded him of how his father had shamed him because of the abuse he suffered from an aunt.  He was finally able to be angry at his father for not listening to him and understanding.

How is your story different?

You need to allow yourself to feel your anger about your abuse and about the way others reacted to your abuse.

Note the following methods you have been using to deal with your anger.

I suppress it.
I have sudden outbursts.
I have become depressed.
I turn it inward through self-hate.
I act out in passive-aggressive ways.
I am self-destructive.
Other...

None of the methods listed above are healthy expressions of anger.  Acknowledging that you are angry, validating your own significance, and focusing your anger on the abuse are healthy ways to deal with your anger.

Describe your feelings about how others have reacted to your abuse.

Jim had panic attacks when he thought someone needed something from him.  He discovered the source of those attacks.  He had never allowed himself to be angry at the soccer coach who sexually abused him.  Jim hated what the coach did to him in the locker room but craved the coach's praise on the field.  Jim was also angry at himself for wanting the praise.  Sexual abuse often puts the victim in a double-bind situation.

Remember your memory verse.

"Be angry, and yet do not sin."  Ephesians 4:26

Your anger is not a sin.  To feel angry when others take advantage of you is healthy and normal.  As you feel your anger you can deal with it in appropriate ways.  Then you will use less of the destructive ways mentioned above.

Unit 7 Lesson 1, Healthy Expressions of Anger

I botched up my last post a little...  I had our next unit wrong.  Between blogging lessons here and beginning a brand new support group here in town, I opened up to the wrong place the other day.  We have just finished the guilt & shame unit and are now moving onto feeling the anger and hurt.  So, my last post was more of a wrap-up of the lesson as opposed to a kick-off!  Sorry for any confusion.

Now for the correct lesson!

Focal passage and memory verse for Unit 7:  "Be angry and yet do not sin."  Ephesians 4:26

A young woman who had been a child victim of sexual abuse described how rejected and humiliated she felt as a young girl when the police came to her house.  She said, "I had been walking home from school when a man approached who said he would give me candy.  I never got candy, even though I went to the woods with him.  He raped me.  I was so sore, and blood was all over me.  He tore my dress.  A woman had seen me go with him, bu tit was over so quickly.  My mother got real mad at me and kept saying, "How could you be so stupid as to go anywhere with a stranger?"  With that statement, my mother gave me a good weapon to punish myself.  I was so confused.  I didn't think anything could feel worse than what he did to me, but this was worse.  I thought, "She's right, my mom's right.  Why did I go into the woods?  I was stupid.  I hate myself."

In this unit you will examine anger and hurt in the light of survivors...

Sara, a 25 yaer old woman, was expressing her feelings in a sexual abuse group.  "I am angry at my brothers!  I am angry at anyone who looks like my brothers!  I am just angry!"  For eight years Sara had been tormented by her brothers.  She had been held down, tied up, and forced to imitate pornographic material.  She described many humiliating and vicious acts perpetrated against her.  Sara had begged her parents for help, but they ignored her pleas.  She is very angry about what happened to her as a child.

Almost everyone would acknowledge the right of the victim to be angry about being abused.  Yet many people feel uncomfortable allowing survivors the right to express their anger.  All victims have anger and need to learn to express it appropriately - whether or not the person who committed the abuse, those who enabled the abuse, the church, or the world might be offended by the victim's anger.

As a general rule, expressing anger appropriately does not mean blowing up or throwing things.  It never involves using any form of violence.  In fact, these methods do not work and can become addictive behaviors leading to more emotional pain.

Most of the time expressing your anger appropriately means acknowledging, accepting, and expressing your anger in a mature and controlled manner.  Sometimes recovery from abuse requires more intense expressions of anger and rage than would, in most situations, seem appropriate.  You will learn some ways of channeling these intense feelings through this study.  You can also ask your therapist to help you express and release these intense feelings.

In your journals, write words or phrases that describe how you typically express your anger.  

Throw things.  Yell.  Stuff it inside.  Write.  Talk it out.  Slam doors.  Run.  Curse.  Control people.  Control circumstances.  Be a perfectionist.  Be nice.  Other??

Some of the responses above are more helpful than others.  Writing and talking out anger will help you to clarify your feelings.  Sometimes yelling, throwing things, and slamming doors does release some built-up tension.  However, others may be in your path so be careful to determine whether your anger is being destructive to yourself or to others.  You may not even realize when you are using behaviors such as controlling and perfectionism.

A Preliminary Word of Caution

Before you proceed with the main focus of this unit, consider this caution:  If you cannot use restraint in expressing your anger and you may harm others or yourself, immediately seek the help of a professional.  A qualified Christian counselor can help you to explore the factors that make it difficult for you to deal with anger constructively.  Lack of proper rest, physical problems, improper diet, depression, or being overwhelmed by memories of abuse can all impair your ability to cope with anger.

If you are prone to outbursts, you may find it helpful to meditate on Galatians 5 and the Book of Proverbs.  Try to recognize any behavior patterns in yourself that you learned from being around angry people.  For example, if you had an explosive parent, you may be imitating his or her uncontrollable temper.  If you get "too angry", you can delay your response to the source of your anger and remove yourself from the circumstances until you have received professional counseling.

In your journal, write a description of your behavior the last time you were very angry.

Be honest with yourself about your anger.  If you need to seek help to control your anger, find a counselor or support group in your area.

Do you need professional help to deal with your anger?  Why or why not?

Jane realized that she was taking her anger out on her husband and her children.  She felt sad as she realized that she was building a wall between herself and her family.  She determined to focus her hanger where it belonged.  She began a feelings journal and started talking about her anger with her support group.  (You are welcome to share your feelings in the comments on this blog, on the Facebook Fan Page or even in a private email to me, if you'd like.)

Give Yourself Permission to be Angry

Anger always will be expressed in some way.  Either you express it appropriately or it seeps out in ways that damage you and others.  Let's look at the need to give yourself permission to be angry.  Some of you may laugh at this idea because you consider yourself and angry person, or others consider you to be angry.  You may say, "I don't have any trouble being angry."  The challenge lies in allowing yourself to give appropriate outward expression to the inner anger you feel toward those who abused you and those who made it possible for them to abuse you.  Taking out your anger on yourself or on others who are not involved is not appropriate.  Some of you shut down your anger a long time ago, and you wonder what it's like to feel angry.

At the end of this section you have the chance to make a list of everyone with whom you are angry.  This list should include everyone from the actual people who abused you to all the people who allowed the abuse.  People who enabled the abuse - some call co-perpetrators - include everyone who, by what the did or what they didn't do, allowed the abuse to happen or to continue.  Those who enable abuse can include parents, siblings, teachers, pastors, and protective services...  You may also need to consider your anger toward the legal system and even toward God.

The role of the legal system is particularly important if you were molested as a child.  For example, many states require children as young as five years old to testify in front of their abusers.  Victims who have experienced these types of circumstances have a great deal of anger about the way the legal system re-victimized them.

A 36 year old woman described the experience of reporting her second rape by the same man.  She had not reported the first assault because she thought it would be better if no one knew, including her husband and family.  But when she was raped a second time, she chose to tell her family and the police.  Instead of help, however, she incurred accusations from them and eventually was encouraged by them to drop the charges.

Because of the deep hurt and anger involved, do not leave out any person, system or organization when you make your list of abusers and enablers.  Don't be afraid to include God on your list.  Virtually every victim feels great anger toward God.  Later in this unit you will explore the issue of anger toward God.  Cindy was so angry with God that she left he church for a few years and made a decision to be an atheist.  Last, but certainly not least, make sure to include yourself.  You probably have been beating yourself over the head for years anyway, so put yourself on the list.  Take plenty of time and allow God to reveal everyone toward whom you feel anger.  Don't misdirect that anger towards those not involved or toward yourself alone.

Make a list of every person who abused you, every person who enabled the abuse, and every organization or system that you feel has hurt you, let you down, or toward which you feel anger. 

Make another list of people toward whom you feel angry because they didn't understand your pain or support you when they learned about the abuse.

Your list needs to include your abuser or abusers and others who enable the abuse.  You may have also included friends, relatives, adn others who knew you at the time of the abuse.  Most people also experience anger at God.  Review your lists and add any people or organizations necessary.

Pray for yourself and other members of this online group.

Remember that ...

You can accept God's love and kindness.
The truth will set you free!
You are worthy and have God to lead you and comfort you.
You are clean.
You are wonderfully made.
You have permission to feel your anger and hurt. 

Abandonment

As I was surfing around the Women of Faith website today, I stumbled across a letter someone had written about the conference they'd recently attended. Here's part of her letter: "Marilyn Meberg gave a wonderful talk that gave me chills. She talked about abandonment and that we were created to be connected. There is a disconnect when one is abandoned; a feeling of shame - “Wasn’t I good enough, why did ___ leave me?” She noted that those who have been severely abandoned, especially in childhood, have a need to control others. And an intense need to never talk about that which they are most ashamed of - that something must be wrong with them to cause the other person to abandon them, they must not be worth keeping. The strange thing is, it is only through recognizing those hidden hurts and working through the hurts that one can heal. A couple good verses that pertain to the subject were: Isaiah 41:9 and John 1:12-13."

"I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, 'You are my servant'; I have chosen you and have not rejected you." Isaiah 41:9

"Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, He gave the right to become children of God— children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband's will, but born of God." John 1:12-13

As I read this, I thought of you and your recovery journey. I hope and pray everyday that you are encouraged to continue seeking Him and the wholeness that only He can provide.

Unit 4 Lesson 3, The Trouble with Denial

I've mentioned before that it took me a long time to realize the effects that sexual abuse has had on my life. I went to see counselors into my early 20's, but I insisted that the issue I was in for that day was just an issue, not an effect of something from the past. "He hit me because he's a jerk. But I keep coming back to the relationship because he is nicer to me than my parents are." It did not occur to me that I kept coming back to the relationship because the abuse I'd suffered as a child had left me with absolutely no self-worth. When my ex-husband and I started seeing a marriage counselor, I did not agree that my responses to my ex-husband had anything at all to do with what my parents had done to me. I merely had a problem with my ex-husband. "I am fine!" was what I said... and what I believed.

The problem is --- my relationship problems in my teens, early 20's and my first marriage had everything to do with how I'd responded to and coped with my childhood abuse. Without addressing those issues, I could not fix the mistakes I was making that brought on many doomed relationships and ruined others that actually had promise.

The Hebrew word used most often in the Bible for deny means, in its strictest sense, "to lie". If we apply that meaning, when victims deny the effects that sexual abuse has had on their life, they are LYING to themselves. Many sexual abuse victims will say they don't want to dig up the past... Or they might even quote Paul's statement from Philippians 3:13, "But for one thing I do; forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead..." This is a great verse, but it does not mean that we should deny our problems. In fact, Paul spoke more about his past than any other person in the Bible. In the earlier part of this same chapter of Philippians, Paul draws an effective comparison between his past and what he later gained as a true servant of God.

In an individual counseling session, a woman shared about the difficulties she was having in her sexual relationship with her husband. "It can't be my sexual abuse. Before we married, I loved having sex. We had it all the time. It's that I don't love him anymore. I really hate sex. In fact, that's how I know I don't love him anymore. No, I haven't thought about the sexual abuse. It doesn't affect me now. I got over that a long time ago."

Have you ever said anything like that, "It doesn't bother me anymore. I got over that a long time ago."?

In your journal, describe several ways that you have protected yourself through the use of denial.

The truth is, we cannot put ourselves, God or anyone else in a box and close the lid. It is possible that some people exist who have experienced very little problems after having been sexually abused, but those people are likely few and far between.

There is one primary reason for denial - most victims detach themselves from their feelings. Victims of violent rape and incest tend to shut off their emotions to survive the trauma. This is comparable to people who have suffered the shock of physical trauma but report that they didn't feel any pain. The body and mind have protective overload devices to be used in crisis. They are, however, intended for temporary use only. The longer they remain in place, the more damage they do.

Here is a poem that an incest survivor wrote about denial. As you read, make note of the denial she shows. How does her denial compare to yours?

I know I one was young, but I don't remember much
About my childhood times with toys, and dolls and such.

I remember Dad was angry, Mom was nervous and low keyed -
OUR family was quite healthy... that is, all of them, but me.

I got a lot of whippings, but they weren't all that bad.
I'm sure that I deserved them when I made my parents mad.

When mom was really tired, I would babysit -
I didn't mind at all - it was my job to help her out a bit.

I remember how she loved to go to bed and read -
And Dad would keep me up, in case there's something he would need.

Their patience would wear thin 'cause they had so much to do.
So I tried to keep things easy.... that was my job, I knew.

I remember when my Dad found his way into my bed -
I didn't like what happened.... but I couldn't tell, he said.

Confused, hurt and scared. I must have made him mad -
The whippings kept on coming... but... I guess they weren't that bad.

I don't remember much throughout my childhood years -
So often when I try... my eyes well up with tears.

I wish that I'd been better, when I was a little child...
Then instead of anger, my parents could have smiled.

The memories that I have seem to make me sad -
But... I was just a child... and I guess they're not that bad.

Throughout the entire poem the girl/woman was taking responsibility for her parents' behaviors. Then she denies her own pain in the refrain, "and I guess they're not that bad." How do you compare?

Dissociation is different than denial

A more complicated form of not remembering comes from dissociation. Victims sometimes store fragments in bits and pieces in order to protect themselves from the overwhelming experience produced by the compete recall of shattering events. A significant aspect of healing is to recall gradually the fragments and make appropriate connections. It is like putting a puzzle together. If this is your experience you can be free from the domination of unwanted feelings and behaviors caused by dissociated memories. You cannot simply decide to remember, because the process is mostly unconscious. However, in a safe environment, such as a support group or with a counselor, and with the direction of God, you can gradually put together the fragmented memories of reality. Once you know where the feelings and behaviors come from, you can work through the traumatic memories and deal directly with the hurt, anger, grief, helplessness and any other emotions.

It's time to heal

For most survivors it is impossible to just get over the effects of sexual abuse. Everything doesn't just go away because the abuse happened a long time ago. Your tendency to deny the effects of the abuse in your life affects not only you but also your spouse, children, friends, etc.

A favorite scripture of mine is John 10:10. "The thief (Satan) comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I (Jesus) have come that they may have life and have it to the full." A very effective way of killing an destroying an individual is through sexual abuse. If you take the responsibility that belongs to the person who committed the abuse, you will be consumed with shame, anger, and destruction that are not yours to suffer. If you believe God has betrayed you, you will not seek Him. If you stay in denial, the enemy will have stolen the deepest peace and blessings that God has for you. They enemy will have stolen self-love and self-respect. Don't let that happen.

If you are the victim of sexual abuse, the time has come for you to give responsibility to the perpetrator, accept your betrayal, come out of denial, and begin the process of dealing with very painful memories. The process of healing has many ups and downs, and proceeds at varying rates. If you were to remember all past events at once, then you might be overwhelmed, but to begin is important. If memories and feelings become too hurtful or tend to promote destructive behavior, seek professional help.

A final caution

Be careful not to use denial as a way to avoid the truth. Yes, Christians are supposed to forgive our enemies. Yes, God intends for us to be victorious. But forgiveness and victory do not arrive instantly. Wounds must be treated and they take time to heal. Healing from the effects of sexual abuse does not occur until the survivor begins to face the truth. Please do not deny the facts any longer or hide in false responsibility. Allow God to take you beyond betrayal to hope, peace and healing.

Unit 3 Lesson 1, Lies vs Truth, Part 1

The goal for this week is to recognize and begin to replace the false beliefs you have about yourself and your abuse.

Sexual abuse almost always leaves a victim with false beliefs about their value and worth. We hold these false beliefs as absolute truths and over time these beliefs create mistaken guilt, destroy self-esteem and assign undeserved responsibility to us.

Survivors who are Christians tend to struggle with applying God's word (what we know to be TRUE) to our daily lives. We want so badly to believe what the Bible tells us, but bringing that truth into our hearts is a fierce battle. The lies we have bought in to are so very difficult to overcome.

Lie #1: It is my fault

Almost every survivor struggles with this misconception. Your abuser might have told you it was your fault. He/she might have told you it was both of your fault. You might say to yourself, "if only I hadn't been there" or "if I hadn't been wearing that", "if I hadn't opened the door", or "if I hadn't been drinking". Often times, rapists will yell horrible accusations at their victims as the rape is in progress. Perhaps you were consenting to some physical contact with your abuser, but said no and he/she didn't listen. You might blame yourself thinking, "It was my fault for kissing him so passionately and letting him touch me. He couldn't control himself. I led him on." Or maybe you feel it is your fault because you didn't "stop" the abuse or you enjoyed how special the attention or "relationship" made you feel.

During and immediately after sexual abuse, when the victim is at such a heightened state of fear and despair, the victim is more psychologically open to these false messages. Adolescents and children have even less ability to comprehend the truth of the situation. But the truth is that a victim is NEVER to blame for the sexual abuse committed against them.

Take some time to identify the self-blaming statements you have made about yourself.

False belief: "It is my fault because...."

One example might be, "It is my fault because I enjoyed the attention he gave me."

After you make your list of false beliefs, go back through the list and make a statement that is the opposite of your false belief. Even if you don't believe it yet, write down the opposite statement.

The truth for our example above would be: "Attention is a healthy human need. It is normal to enjoy attention. I wanted attention - I didn't want sex."

Lie #2: I must be a terrible person for him/her to do this to me

It is natural for children to believe that adults can do no wrong. And they view their parents as almost God-like. So, when an adult does something wrong, the child frequently believes that they must have done something to cause it.

Adults can feel this way too. In many cases, this is because the adult victim admires the offending adult and is confused about the abusive behavior. For instance, a church secretary might blame herself if her married pastor started pursuing an intimate relationship with her. She is wondering, "What did I do to send him this message? It must be my fault. I must be a terrible person."

When we accept lie #1, lie #2 follows easily...

As you think about lie #2, "I must be a terrible person for him/her to do this to me", write two truth statements from your own story to counter the false beliefs.

As I think about lie #2, I can hear my old recording in my head.... "If my own mother doesn't love me, who will? I must be so awful. Utterly unlovable. Worthless. A total reject." But the truth is that God loves me, regardless of how my mother feels about me. The problems are my mother's , not mine. I was an innocent child who did nothing to deserve the things they did to me. And God has never and will never see me as worthless - after all, he sent his only son for ME.

Some other truth statements might be: "The responsibility for the abuse belongs to my abuser", "I am a special person, created by God", "I was vulnerable, but I am worthy of respect and love."

Victims often try to hold on to the positive aspects of relationships with the abusers by viewing themselves as dirty and undeserving of respect. Speak the truth! Allow the shame and guilt to fall on the people who committed the abuse. By doing so you will not be making them guilty, you will be recognizing the truth of their guilt. They are responsible for what was done to you.

Our memory verse for this week is simple, but profound. "You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8:32 Think about that. What does it mean to you right now, as you begin to decipher lies from truth?

In the next lesson we will discuss two other lies - "I wanted him/her to do this to me" and "It didn't happen. I must have made it up." I will be praying that God will shine His light on your story and that you will clearly see and BELIEVE the truth.

How do we deal with conflict?

I think it's rare for someone to come by conflict resolution easily. It's complicated, as it involves emotions, some pre-wired personality issues, and then all the defense mechanisms we establish over time. So, it is not surprising that conflict resolution is hard, and even harder for someone who has been sexually abused.

Since our defense mechanisms are a big part of the equation, now seems as good a time as any to write about this. The way I would normally do this would be to draw pictures, but since I can't do that right now, please bare with me while I explain my images.

Some people cause conflict all the time, and out of very selfish and ugly desires. In my experience, dealing with these people is difficult, frustrating and usually quite hurtful. James 3:15-16, "For jealousy and selfishness are not God's kind of wisdom. Such things are earthly, un-spiritual, and motivated by the Devil. For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and every kind of evil." James 4:1-3 says, "What is causing the quarrels and fights among you? Isn't it the whole army of evil desires at war within you? You want what you don't have, so you scheme and kill to get it. You are jealous for what others have, and you can't possess it, so you fight and quarrel to take it away from them. And yet the reason you don't have what you want is that you don't ask God for it. And even when you do ask, you don't get it because your whole motive is wrong - you want only what will give you pleasure." This kind of thinking and relating to others is not biblical and, frankly, it doesn't even make good common sense! The world definitely has a "what about me" mentality, but I think it's possible to care for your best interests while also treating people kindly. Whatever happened to treating others the way we want to be treated?

When God is at work in one's life, there will be certain noticeable attributes. In Galations 5:22 Paul lists these "fruits of the spirit" as love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Christians experience conflict just like everyone else, but their heart should be such that there is a desire for peace, resolution and restoration where ever possible.

My two pictures images would be like this... When someone is rooted in selfish ambition, jealousy, etc. the result is fighting, hurtful behavior, disorder, and every other kind of evil. When someone is rooted in Christ, love, joy, kindness, self-control, etc. the result will be an attitude of resolution, forgiveness, apologies, and any other kind of peacemaking.

So what do we do when someone is attacking us? It is a natural tendency to want to lash out, attack, defend, and perhaps even wage our own offensive. But what good is that? Doesn't that just perpetuate and escalate the conflict? I have found that what works best for me personally is to leave the conversation - politely say that now is not a good time for me to continue this discussion as nothing good will come of it... Then walk away, hang up the phone, ask the person to leave, etc. When you are removed from the situation, I would suggest journaling and/or praying. Both will provide an outlet for you to express how you feel without fueling the flame or stooping to a level that is not productive. As you are praying, ask God for direction about how to deal with the situation. I would not advise venting to your friends merely for the sake of venting, as this generally produces more anger on your part. Wise and godly friends can certainly be very helpful!

James 4:6, "He gives us more and more strength to stand against such evil desires. As the Scriptures say, 'God sets himself against the proud, but he shows favor to the humble.' So, humble yourselves before God. Resist the Devil, and he will flee from you. Draw close to God, and God will draw close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, you hypocrites. Let there be tears for the wrong things you have done. Let there be sorrow and deep grief. Let there be sadness instead of laughter, and gloom instead of joy. When you bow down before the Lord and admit your dependence on him, he will lift you up and give you honor."

Friends, I am here to tell you that this works! It may seem silly or incredulous to pray to a God that cannot be seen, but you will begin to see Him in your LIFE when you put your trust in Him. When I decided to stop fighting with my mother, I told her that I could not be in relationship with her anymore, at least for the time being. She berated me and told me what a selfish, ungrateful, hateful daughter I was. I explained that I was way too angry to see her or talk to her and needed time away and that I would be praying about our relationship. She replied with, "What kind of church would tell you it's okay for a child to cut her mother off?" I merely said that I needed space to heal and hung up the phone. I didn't see her or talk to her for over a year, but I experienced a great deal of healing in that time. I had to be removed from the constant fighting in order to heal. God showed me the things I was doing wrong, helped me to begin forgiving her, and began to soften my heart so that grace and mercy would replace the bitterness, rage and hatred I felt for her for so long. It is still unsafe to be in a close relationship with her (she is still very unpredictable), but I can honestly say that I do care about her, I hurt for the many ways she has been abused and mistreated throughout her life, and I try to honor her by spending time together every now and then.

In terms of day-t0-day conflicts that don't require stepping far back from a relationship, my advice is the same. Take a breather from the conversation if it's escalating into arguing, name calling, insults, etc. Get your feelings out in prayer or on paper, ask God how to proceed. Ask Him to show you your responsibility in the conflict and to reveal to the other party their responsibility. Ask Him to give you the right words as you go back to the person with an attitude of resolution and peace.

What is very challenging is trying to resolve conflict biblically with someone who is only thinking of their desires, selfish ambitions, vengeance, etc. Sometimes all you can do is the right thing - own your mistakes and offenses, seek forgiveness (from God and the person you hurt), make the necessary changes in your behavior (which will probably require changes in your heart), extend your desires to reconcile and then wait for them to do the same. If they choose not to, the relationship cannot be fully restored and now you're faced with the decision of what you can handle in the relationship. All, part or none? It is not selfish or un-christlike to come to the conclusion that you have to pull out of the relationship completely. Forgiveness does not require reconciliation. Sometimes reconciling a relationship is too dangerous - especially when abuse is involved. A verse I absolutely love for this is Romans 12:18, "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." We can only do our part - what "depends on us". This does not mean to turn ourselves inside out to to become what others want (I am all too familiar with that behavior), but to have a heart of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. In doing that, many of our relationships will fall into place, some will fall by the way-side (because the other party only wants trouble and we do not), and we will experience a peace, joy and depth in our relationships that we've never known before.

Unit 2 Lesson 4, Symptoms of Abuse, Part 2

So, I felt like there was a lot to take in yesterday... This is my 3rd time through this study. I saw counselors regularly from age 12-20, then counseled a little more again around age 30. I still check-in with a counselor a couple times a year, but no longer for things specifically related to sexual abuse. Anyway, my point is... Even with all that counseling under my belt, the specifics of how a person can hurt another makes me sick at my stomach - especially when we're talking about child abuse. So, if you've had a hard time reading the last couple of entries and are having some flashbacks, insomnia, etc. - know that you are not alone. Read the entries at your own pace -- this is not about speed reading, it's about HEALING. And to heal we must go through this painful process of dealing with things...

For the second half of the symptoms:

• Perfectionism - Do you want everyone and everything to be in order? Do you have rigid or high standards? Do you expect everyone to meet your standards and become angry or disappointed when they don't? Do you get stressed out when your home/appearance/children/etc. are not "perfect"?
• Performance/need for achievement - Are you highly driven to succeed? Do you find that being good is not good enough, you must be the best? Do you feel that you must earn the right to be happy or worthy?
  
• Repeatedly feeling betrayed - Do you feel like everything that goes "wrong" has gone wrong because someone wanted to hurt/offend you on purpose? Do you feel that everyone is against you? Do you feel that if your husband/roommate/children leaves the kitchen a mess that it was some sort of personal attack on you?
• Fear - Is your mind full of all the bad things that could go wrong? Do you fear the dark, being alone, being abandoned, getting sick? Are you unable to do certain things because of your fears?
• Withdrawal - Do you isolate yourself from others? Do you avoid social situations? Are you nervous and uncomfortable in a crowd, thinking that no one will like you so you should not even be there? Do you make yourself "too busy" so that you can politely turn down invitations and then privately feel sad that "no one likes you" or that "you're not part of the in crowd"?
• Anxiety/sense of doom - Do you become anxious for what appears to be no good reason? Do you feel like you can't try anything because you're just sure you'll mess it up? Do you feel like you're just one big mistake?
• Repeated victimization - Have you been victimized over and over again? Do you blame yourself, telling yourself that you must be doing something to cause all of this mistreatment?
  
• Seductive behavior - Do you dress to call attention to yourself? Do you enjoy the attention you get from others when you dress sexy? Does it somehow prove that you are attractive?
• Anger and depression - Do you go through periods where you have no energy? Do you just want to lie down? Do you want to avoid people and relationships? Do you feel angry when others try to get you to do things with them? Do you just want to go to your room and shut the blinds?
• Codependency - In your relationships, are you either being controlled or controlling? Do you impose your expectations on those you are in relationships with? Are you jealous when your friends have other friends? Do you want people to need you? Do you feel important when you are helping your friends? Does that validate you?
• Self-destructive behavior - Do you go from one conflict to another with your friends and family? Do you lie, knowing that you will get caught? Do you eat when you're not hungry? Or hurt yourself because you think it's the only way to relieve the emotional torment, and justify the hurting behavior saying that you deserve whatever physical pain comes your way?

Thinking about these symptoms and how they are affecting your life has hopefully given you a powerful start to your recovery. Your feelings and behaviors should be making more sense to you... Identifying the symptoms in your life will help you to set specific goals for recovery.

I can carry on about the many symptoms above that have played out in my life, but it's getting late and I've been feeling a bit under the weather today. Please write in the comments or email me privately if you'd like to "talk" about how these things have or are impacting your life. I'm all ears.

I want to close with this excerpt from the book -

The Overcomer's Hopes

In Christ I can -

• live without fear controlling me.
• live without being controlled by others.
• live without needing to control others.
• live without condemnation or condemning others.
• live without shame and guilt.
• live where I know the difference between what is safe and what is not safe.
• live without rage, hate and depression.
• live with stable emotions.
• live with joy and happiness - even in the midst of trails.
• live with peace and love.
• live without helplessness.
• live understanding my value in Christ.
• live where I can be intimate with others.
• live where I can trust others who are trustworthy.
• live with a deep relationship with God.

****************************************
I made a new blogger friend today. We've been reading each others blogs and something she wrote just reached into the depths of my heart so I had to email her to "chat" a little in private. She sent me a nice note back and then mentioned me in her blog tonight. She called me "an amazing person". And while I am deeply humbled that she would say that, I want you all to know that I am a super ordinary person. I do not have some extra special Leigh-only gift that enabled me to overcome my abusive childhood. I AM JUST LIKE YOU. I was a big mess and fought most of my recovery tooth and nail. The LAST recovery thing I did was to forgive my mom, and there are still days where I have to forgive it all over again. And I have days when I don't want to - when I want to be mad, hold a grudge, get even, etc... I am soooooo very normal, average and ordinary. My recovery has not been made possible by anything I did, but by everything that Jesus did. Well, I guess I did choose to let Him handle things, and I choose to believe all that the Bible tells me about Him and me. But, from where I'm sitting, why wouldn't I? From a purely selfish standpoint, the Bible is the place that tells me that I'm fearfully and wonderfully made, that the Lord is close to the brokenhearted, that the Lord is just and justice will be His, and that He knows the plans he has for me - not to hurt me but to prosper me. So, I'm not amazing - God is. As my pastor recently put it, I hope that you are not impressed with me, but with the JESUS IN ME. A bit cheesy, but so true.

Unit 2 Lesson 3, Symptoms of Abuse, Part 1

Trust is a difficult issue for survivors of sexual abuse, but I want to encourage you to trust God as much as you can. The Bible tells us that He understands when we cannot. God responds to faith as small as a mustard seed! Don't become bogged down trying to remember things from the past. Allow God to reveal insights and memories according to His will and timing. This will keep you from getting too overwhelmed and will enable you to deal with them one by one.

We are going to spend the next two days talking about "symptoms" of sexual abuse. However, before we get started, I want to clarify that these symptoms alone do not mean a person has been sexually abused. There could be many explanations for these behaviors/issues, but they are tendencies that are common to victims of sexual abuse. In some ways these behaviors allowed us to survive. As you process through these tendencies, remember that valuing yourself and your ability to cope is the first step in choosing to make positive changes in your life.

Symptoms/behaviors/tendencies:

• Headaches/migraines/stomach aches
  
• Sleeplessness/oversleeping - Do you suffer from severe insomnia or sleep for days on end?
  
• Sexual difficulties - Do you want to stop sleeping with others but can't stop yourself for fear of rejection? Do you swing unpredictably from romantic and affectionate one day to not wanting your partner to even touch you the next? Are you unable to participate in certain sexual behavior? Are you promiscuous?
  
• Low self-esteem - Do you think that you are no good because someone told you that while they were abusing you? Do you think no one will ever love you because your parents didn't? Do you think you are dirty or damaged goods?
• Lack of healthy boundaries - Are you completely unable to tell someone no? When someone says no to you, do you feel rejected? Are you easily walked on? Do you put up with mistreatment rather than risk losing a relationship by standing up for yourself?
• Rage - Do you fly into a rage when you're upset? Are your children afraid of you? Do you yell and scream a lot?
• Over-reaction to people and situations - Do you have panic attacks? Are you paranoid? Do you think that every time someone is upset or in a bad mood it's because you've done something wrong? Are you easily startled?
• Addictions - Do you eat/drink/smoke/use drugs/etc. so that you can escape your problems? Do you medicate your feelings with compulsive behaviors? Not eating at all, overspending, working excessive hours, keeping yourself busy with church/volunteer activities?
• Spacing out - Do you find that you are oblivious to what is going on around you sometimes? Do you check out and stop paying attention?
• Memory block - Are you unable to remember parts of your life? Have you blocked it from your memory?

There are still three pages of symptoms left to discuss tomorrow, but my house is quiet now so I'm going to share a few of my strongest tendencies... I want you to know that in every group of survivors that I've ever met with, at least one woman has struggled with every single one of these symptoms and we've always had more to add. We are creative when coming up with ways to cope with what has happened to us.

I was going through a divorce when my (current) husband and I began dating. I was beginning to recognize some major missteps I'd taken and really wanted to turn my life around. I became painfully honest with myself, started keeping a journal, and was also very honest with my (now) husband.

The three things I used to cope were alcohol, relationships and exercise.

I was not an alcoholic. I didn't drink alcohol frequently, but when I did drink it was very excessively. I drank when things were difficult. Even now, if I have an especially difficult day, I catch myself thinking "I need a drink!" It is this "take the edge off" mentality... But it really didn't take the edge off of anything, it only allowed me to postpone feeling whatever I was feeling. I have never once had a drink because I enjoy the taste of it - my intention with every drink was to consume enough that my problems would go away.

Relationships, interestingly enough, were another thing I used to cope. I couldn't be "alone", and anytime I was on the verge of ending a relationship, I would never do so until I had another one lined up. I was not a confrontational person and didn't have enough confidence in myself that any problem could be worked out... So, at the first sign of trouble, I would come up with my exit plan. Reject before being rejected. This applied to both friendships and boyfriend relationships; which explains why I didn't have my first meaningful, mutual and lasting friendship until I was 30 years old.

As a teenager, I was a runner. I ran track for five years. Never a sprint - always distance. I wasn't a fast runner, but I had stamina. The reason for this is because I used exercise as a way to literally run away from my problems and as a way to torture my body. This is the hardest for me to write about, because the tall, slender physique I inherited is getting less slender every year and I'm scared to exercise. Exercise - running, aerobics and gym memberships - have always been associated with stuffing my problems. I need to learn to exercise again. I know that life will never be problem free, so I'm faced with the issue of whether or not I can exercise in a healthy way.

I have chosen to never drink again and do not join social networking sites like FaceBook or My Space. I don't need those temptations in my life, as they can be slippery slopes for me should I ever find myself dealing with a crisis, anger or heartache (which we know WILL come!). So, I avoid them. However, I cannot avoid exercise - not if I want to live a long, healthy life. So, this is an area that I have to begin surrendering to Christ and expecting Him to help me discover a healthy way to do it. Such a scary thought.

There is still a second half of the "symptoms" remaining to be discussed tomorrow... Do you relate to any I've written about so far? Have you experienced any growth with any of these tendencies or are you currently struggling with any? Please feel free to respond in the comments. This blog receives about 100 hits each week, so there are many survivors hanging around here. You never know who might need your encouragement or who might have the perfect encouragement for you. Thanks so much for taking the time to read, and thanks in advance for sharing and growing with others!

Unit 2 Lesson 1, Recovery Is Possible!

The goal for this week is to recognize and accept that if you have been sexually abused, your life includes personal and relational tendencies that are similar to those of other survivors of sexual abuse.

Life for someone who has been sexually abused often resembles living in a storm. Things might feel out of control, hopeless, chaotic, never-ending, devastating and completely messy. Many struggle with depression, a drive to prove ourselves or earn someone's approval, or a need to be in control of all things. You may be feeling inappropriately guilty or ashamed. And some survivors feel absolutely nothing at all.

This lesson begins with one of the book's authors sharing part of her story. Here is what Cindy Kubetin writes: (Make note of any words or phrases that describe your experience too. Is there any part of Cindy's story that you would like to have in your life?)

"From personal experience, I know that healing from sexual abuse is possible. The process may be slow and will include pain, setbacks and frustrations. The awesome power of God is available to overcome these obstacles. Isaiah 57:18 describes how God restores, heals and gives comfort. Many years elapsed before I felt the comfort or received the wholeness, however. As a very young child, I began to isolate myself from others because of sexual abuse from someone I loved and believed was there for me. My memory is too sketchy for me to be sure of the extent of the abuse prior to age seven. I don't know if more than one person abused me in those early years. I do know that at least ten people had sexually abused me by the time I reached adulthood.

"To fix vividly in my mind that I had been a victim took many years. Somehow the abuses just seemed like something that happened to me. I felt devastated when I actually recognized that I had been a victim of childhood sexual abuse. I felt more shame than ever. My flashbacks became more frequent, and I felt despicable and worthless. As God's restorative power began to take hold of me, however, I not only saw myself as a victim but I began to see that to become a survivor was possible. I even began to feel a joy in having survived so much. I saw more positive things about myself than I ever had, and even learned to risk myself a little more. I liked this stage, but there was still too much pain inside, too much anxiety and fear. Also, I continued making grave mistakes in my life. It seemed so obvious that I didn't have it together yet!

"By this time, I had begun to seek God in my life. I wanted the mental torment to stop, not just for a day, but for a lifetime. But when I read the Bible's wonderful promises, I was sure that they applied to someone else; surely this book couldn't have been written to help me. I couldn't yet see the Bible as a resource for me. I hadn't begun to understand the way of Jesus - that He wanted me to have good things in life, not just bad things. I didn't understand that God wanted to redeem my life. But I kept reading, and for me Psalm 103:4-5 explained the Lord's way quite well. As I read these words my heart pounded with hope. A real and personal God was still difficult to believe, but I knew that even a little faith was better than none."

"I have seen his ways, but I will heal him; I will guide him and restore comfort to him." Isaiah 57:18

"Who redeems your life from the pit; who crowns you with lovingkindness and compassion; who satisfies your years with good things, so that your youth is renewed like the eagle." Psalm 103:4-5

Spend some time reflecting on this part of Cindy's story and answer the questions posed earlier.

*************************************

As we more forward on our recovery journey, it is important to understand what sexual abuse is. Many people think that sexual abuse is limited to intercourse, but there are many other behaviors that can result in the same damage to the victim.

Any sexual activity carried out in an inappropriate context is abusive. A complete definition of sexual abuse would be as broad as the range of human activity. But, with a narrow definition, both victims and perpetrators tend to minimize the harmful results or even deny that sexual abuse has occurred. Therefore, we will define sexual abuse as any sexual activity - verbal, visual or physical - engaged in without consent, which may be emotionally or physically harmful and which exploits a person in order to meet another person's sexual or emotional needs. The person does not consent if he or she cannot reasonably choose to consent or refuse because of age, circumstances, level of understanding, and dependency or relationship to the offender.

During unit 2 we will discuss some different types of abuse, we will go into detail about the many ways sexual abuse can impact our lives, and we will close with the affirmation that restoration is possible.

This week's memory verse is from Psalm 103:5 (NASB), "Who satisfies your years with good things, so that your youth is renewed like the eagle." The NLT puts it this way, "He fills my life with good things. My youth is renewed like the eagle's." I've said before that I am not a Bible scholar, but when I reflect on this scripture I believe it's telling me that God wants to replace the junk with his good stuff ... he wants to replace my pain with His peace, and my sorrow with His joy, and my hopelessness with His expectation and wonder. He wants to mend my broken wing so that I might fly again like the eagle.

The work we will do this week will affirm for you that you were, in fact, sexually abused. When we discuss the "symptoms" of abuse, you will clearly see that you are not alone and will see just how deeply impacted you have been by sexual abuse. In recognizing that, it is my hope that you will also see every reason to recover and not allow the abuse to control your life.

I love so much what one survivor recently told me... "I have been recovering from sexual abuse for over 30 years. Some days are still really hard, but it doesn't ruin my life anymore." I want that for all of us - that it won't ruin our lives anymore.

My failed marriage

As I was getting a little quiet time in this morning, I felt God nudging me to share about my failed first marriage. Unfortunately, it is a good example of two things - the unimaginably high price we pay for unresolved issues (by we, I mean EVERYONE) and a failed support system.

My first marriage should have worked. He and I were both very nice people and had the same values and life goals. We got along very well. In fact, we never had an argument. We were, however, very young (I had just turned 21) and I was hurting more than I was willing to admit - more than I even realized. I'd told him about my childhood abuse when we were dating; however, I shrugged it off as much as possible and pretended to be just fine. On the occasions where I did show some emotion about it, I never told him how deeply those feelings ran.

It didn't start off this way though... Early in the relationship, he was someone I could be honest and open with. But then.. Shortly before he asked me to marry him, there was an incident at home where my mom's 4th husband had become physically and verbally abusive with me. As all this chaos was going on in the background, I called my soon-to-be-fiance. I was sobbing and my mom and her husband were yelling at me, saying awful things and calling me horrible names. He (my ex-husband) came to pick me up 30 minutes later and I never went back. He was supportive and compassionate with regard to the physical maltreatment, but it wasn't long before he was encouraging me to cut my mom some slack and allow her to have a "normal" relationship with me. (By "normal" he meant trips to the mall, dinners at their house, mother/daughter phone calls, etc.) There were so many things wrong with the way my mom treated me and allowed her husbands to treat me, that I just knew there was no way to have "normal" under the circumstances. I tried to explain that my mother's neglect and selfishness were the reasons that the sexual abuse from husband #3 and the verbal & physical abuse from #4 lasted as long as they did. But my ex-husband couldn't grasp my idea that not all moms are created equal. In my case, my mother was abusive and I deserved protection from her. He thought she deserved a relationship with me, regardless. This is when my walls started coming up and I stopped being honest with him about how much I hurt.

As we've read throughout unit 1, many times people do not know what to say or do to help people who have been sexually abused - especially when one is abused by a family member. My ex-husband was a young man who came from a wonderful family in a delightful midwestern small town. Things like this were unheard of - which means it happened in secret and no one talked about it. It was practically taboo for him to talk about sexual abuse, so it stands to reason that he would be ill prepared to help me recover from it.

When I felt like he was "on my parents' side", I felt betrayed and all alone. I completely stopped talking to him about anything I needed. We moved to the east coast a few months after we were married, and distance from home was a good thing for me. I was relieved to be far from the chaos and strained relationships; however, I'd brought all the baggage with me. Birthdays and holidays were the hardest, but I barely let on to my ex-husband that anything was wrong. He could tell that something was "off", but I think he figured time would heal it. When he didn't reach out to me, I didn't bother reaching out to him. That's when I began having difficulty with fidelity - I was looking for affirmation from other men. I needed someone to find me interesting, attractive, appealing. My ex-husband worked hard and was pursuing a career as a professional athlete, so he didn't have a lot of time for me. That hurt my feelings, driving me further away. But I didn't say much. Occasionally I would tell him that we weren't as close as I wished we were... But, by the time we were in marriage counseling, I was already pretty checked-out of the marriage and really had no intention of checking back in.

As I look back on this failed relationship, I have many regrets. He is truly a very nice guy and I believe he was willing to listen, if only I would have talked. I believe he would have been open to understanding where I was coming from, if only I'd have had the courage to be vulnerable with him. I know now that he was just inexperienced, not insensitive.

When I say I have regrets, I absolutely do not mean that I regret where I am today. I DO NOT. But, I regret how I acted in the first marriage, how I hurt my ex-husband and our families and friends; how I dragged that baggage with me and let it consume my life for so many years. I deeply regret how I hurt others, all because I was wounded and was choosing not to deal with it.

One Man's Story

This is an amazing testimony from Dave Cox.

NOTE - When I posted this yesterday, I had a million thoughts running through my mind, but didn't know exactly what to say. I still don't know what to say, but I feel I should clarify one thing - Dave did not ask me to post this. Dave Cox was my church's pastor. Many friends from church may be checking this out just to see Dave, and I want to encourage you to do just that. He talks about you, and it meant something to me to hear it. I received this video via email from a friend. I have not talked to Dave in almost two years, so the video appearing here is not self-serving on Dave's part. The abuse in his childhood is no excuse for the poor decisions he made - and he's careful to point that out. But there is no denying that the abuse left a gaping hole in his life that he tried filling with various things over a period of many years. The results were devastating to thousands of people, many of whom are still dealing with it today. I see a lot of my own life in Dave's story and think many other survivors will too. Again, Dave made the poor decisions, but the initial void was caused by one person's sin of child sexual abuse... and that sin reached into the lives of many in our community.

Part 1:
http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=e52ed0b7cbe2e4a426fe

Part 2:
http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=7bb616c404f121a083ac

There are several LifeLines (support groups) at our church for hurting people.

Victory Over Sexual Abuse (women only) will begin meeting next Thursday, Jan. 22 in Overland Park, KS and Lenexa, KS.

Victory Over Sexual Sin (addiction to pornography, etc. - women only) begins tonight in Lenexa, KS.

One-on-one counseling is also available!

Email victoryoversexualabuse@live.com for information about any of these ministries.