Memories during intimacy

Intimacy isn’t discussed until unit 12, but I received this question via email today. Others of you might have this same question, so I wanted to post it.

Question: I just wondered if you still relive all of the past every time you are feeling intimate. I have found that to be something that I can't escape...I don't feel like I struggle with the situation anymore, just the fact that I can't erase the memories.

My response: I am so sorry that you are dealing with that. It is certainly not the way God intended for marital intimacy.

Having memories or difficulty being intimate is not uncommon for survivors, but it is one reaction that I have been blessed to not have had to deal with very much. There are a few behaviors or word phrases that trigger memories, but not a great deal. When I experience something that triggers a memory, I always tell my husband and he immediately stops whatever it is. Not only does he stop, but he is also compassionate, understanding and even apologetic. While he does not mean to scare or upset me, I always appreciate that he understands and does whatever is needed to comfort me. But I had to TELL him about the feelings in order for him to know.

Here is a story directly out of Shelter From The Storm that might help...

One husband and wife came to the counseling office because the wife did not want to have sexual intercourse with her husband. She was in denial as a result of the abuse, and he was very angry because she refused to have sex with him. To his dismay, the counselor suggested abstinence from sex for a period of time so the wife could begin to deal with the past sexual issues. He agreed only because, as he said, "That's what's happening anyway - so it couldn't be any worse." Fortunately, in spite of his initial reluctance, the husband was able to reach deep inside himself to help his wife. God was able to touch their lives, although inside during the early part of the wife's recovery, she simply was not functioning. This story ended in a great victory for both husband and wife.

She said, "For the first time, sex is good. I never knew or understood the intimacy that God intended for me through sex. How distorted it was for me in the past, but now the most beautiful part is how tenderly my husband sees me. I want to say it is a miracle, but I realize this is really just how God meant it to be."

This husband chose to support, accept and understand. He and his wife certainly had good days and bad days in the process of recovery, but they chose to forgive and try again to continue on their long journey through the storm.

A question that goes along with what you've asked is, "How do I get the memories to go away?" I'm going to take a stab at answering that, but I think it's just about as mysterious as explaining prayer... In my journey, I have discovered that as I've processed my story over and over again, I have addressed different parts of it and experienced healing every time. I am going through the Shelter study for the third time right now, and I am learning new things everyday! Recovery is not a one-time thing, unfortunately. While you may be functioning at a very high and healthy level most of the time, it sounds like more healing needs to take place in order for you to experience the joys that God intended in intimacy. Something that has been key in my life is that my old cruddy memories are being drown out by new good ones. Even good memories from the past!

A good analogy is this visual that one of our church pastor's does... Fill a clear glass half-full with water. When we were born, it was clear - pure, innocent, unadulterated. Then someone did something awful to us that changed us (add dark food coloring to change the water color to a muddied, dirty color). The water’s color represents how we feel now - dark, dirty, damaged, impure, etc. How does the water in our cup ever run clear again? The answer - someone (God, our spouse, children, friends, etc.) needs to pour clear water (love, joy, peace, understanding, forgiveness, acceptance, compassion, concern, protection, provision, etc) into our cup. The new clear water will begin to dilute the dark-colored water... and with enough clear water, the muddied waters are almost completely gone. That is how other people are able to make such an impact on our lives - through what they pour into us.

Another vital piece would be to specifically pray that God would minimize the bad memories and direct your steps so that you can enjoy sex. Ask Him if there are things you can do to help prepare your mind for intimacy. I have one friend that sometimes prays during sex. That might sound a little awkward, but I'd certainly prefer to invite God into the bedroom before my abuser!

Thank you for trusting me with this question. I am here to talk anytime, friend.

If you have experienced this and have anything to add to the conversation, please feel free to comment.

Unit 2 Lesson 5, Restoration Is Possible

I've mentioned several times that I've seen a lot of counselors. I think "early intervention" (counseling at age 12) helped to curb some damaging thought pattens. For instance, I have never blamed myself for the abuse, and that is probably the most common thought that survivors have. "I must have done something wrong/it's my fault/I deserved it/I'm bad." Perhaps getting counseling at such a young age helped to steer me away from thinking those things, and I am so grateful that that is one battle I did not have to wage within myself --- learning to accept the exact opposite of that garbage. So, while there were still a lot of awful and harmful things going on at that time (I was still being sexually abused), I was being assured by my counselor that it was not my fault (she did not know about the ongoing abuse). And I believed that.

A counselor I had in high school had a poster hanging on her wall. It said, "I am responsible for my day." At the ripe old age of 15, I was learning that it was up to me to choose whether or not I would let the garbage control my life. At that age, I was making a lot of right decisions and a few wrong decisions. But, just a couple years later, the ratio had flipped. I was making a few right decisions and a lot of wrong decisions. But, I KNEW the wrong decisions I was making. I just didn't feel like I had the power to do things differently.

I continued seeing therapists through my first couple years in college and was honest and forthcoming about what was going on in my life (and my head). I told them the truth and they always told me the truth about the mistakes I was making and the changes that should be made. I always learned the "lesson" of what they were helping me to see, but I didn't always change my behavior in response to the truth I'd just learned. Change takes time.

Then I got married --- "rescued" is what I was hoping for. And I was rescued from daily life with my family. We'd moved across the country and life was no longer abusive; but it became increasingly lonely given all my secrets and acting out. I made an absolute disaster out of my marriage - the most regretful mistakes and poor choices of my life. This man did not deserve the mess I made of his life. When I left him, I was fully aware of how I tore through his life like a tornado. When I left, nothing was as I'd found it. Just like when my abusers left my life - nothing was the same with me. I knew I needed to make major changes, as I never wanted to hurt someone else, or myself, like that ever again.

I was suddenly alert and aware as I never had been before. Shortly after my divorce, I was dating someone special and had made a commitment to myself to not lie or keep secrets from him (now my husband). I worked hard at being intentional with my words and actions. Getting my tantrums and insecurities under control was no easy task, but it was important to me. I was upfront with everything I struggled with (which I had NEVER done before). I trusted him completely.

A year and a half after marrying, we started attending church. Getting involved in different church groups changed me a great deal. Many things were really good.... However, I was still mad as all get-out at my mother and struggled in general anytime I'd think about my birth family. That's when I decided to go back to counseling. She was a Christian counselor at my church. At our first meeting, she gave me two things to do for homework. 1- Read "Dorie, The Girl Nobody Loved" by Dorie VanStone. 2- Read the story of Joseph, Genesis chapters 37-50. While reading the story of Joseph, I was to journal everything in his story that compared to mine. I journaled practically the entire story!!! And I discovered that from the very beginning of time, families have struggled, families have betrayed one another, people have had evil intentions, and those who were abused and mistreated can overcome!

Long story short... Joesph experienced massive betrayal. His brothers tried to kill him, then sold him into slavery. While Joseph was a slave, his master's wife tried to seduce him. When Joseph refused to be seduced, he was falsely accused and thrown into prison. In prison he helped others, but when they got out, they forgot about Joseph. But Joseph did an amazing thing. He kept believing in God. Eventually God delivered Joseph from prison and made him second-in-command over all of Egypt. God made Joseph forget the pain, the anger, the loneliness, and all the other distressing emotions he must have felt.

As I completed this homework, I felt relieved to know that God is familiar with families mistreating one another. You will also find a story about the rape of Tamar in 2 Samuel 13:1-39. What we are dealing with is not new to God. He knows what we've been through, what we're feeling, and exactly what we need to heal. Joseph is the perfect example of overcoming horrible betrayal and going on to be hugely victorious. There is hope for us!

All of this to say... Over time you can be fully restored. With every passing day, I discover more and more good health in my life. But, there was only so much I could do without God. I had corrected a lot of my poor choices and bad behaviors before bringing God into the equation... But, the thoughts and feelings that I held deep in my heart and mind could not be fixed without His lovingkindness, compassion, forgiveness and grace.

Romans 12:2 says, "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind." As I ponder this verse, I feel it is telling me to not allow the world or my painful experiences in the world to determine how I live, think, act or feel. Like that poster in my therapist's office said all those years ago.... "I am responsible for my day." Will I make the choice to carry the baggage with me every where I go, or will I choose to lay the garbage down and accept a renewing of my mind?

God wants to make us new again. He wants to renew our minds and heal what our abusers have done to us. Sexual abuse is not the will of God. He is not using the sexual abuse to "teach us a lesson". His will has always been to restore to our lives that which was stolen by the abuse.

Just as the effects of abuse become evident without prior awareness of how the abuse was affecting you, God's restoration happens without your awareness of His work. One day, you are surprised by the joy of realizing that you have been changed! You are better.

My failed marriage

As I was getting a little quiet time in this morning, I felt God nudging me to share about my failed first marriage. Unfortunately, it is a good example of two things - the unimaginably high price we pay for unresolved issues (by we, I mean EVERYONE) and a failed support system.

My first marriage should have worked. He and I were both very nice people and had the same values and life goals. We got along very well. In fact, we never had an argument. We were, however, very young (I had just turned 21) and I was hurting more than I was willing to admit - more than I even realized. I'd told him about my childhood abuse when we were dating; however, I shrugged it off as much as possible and pretended to be just fine. On the occasions where I did show some emotion about it, I never told him how deeply those feelings ran.

It didn't start off this way though... Early in the relationship, he was someone I could be honest and open with. But then.. Shortly before he asked me to marry him, there was an incident at home where my mom's 4th husband had become physically and verbally abusive with me. As all this chaos was going on in the background, I called my soon-to-be-fiance. I was sobbing and my mom and her husband were yelling at me, saying awful things and calling me horrible names. He (my ex-husband) came to pick me up 30 minutes later and I never went back. He was supportive and compassionate with regard to the physical maltreatment, but it wasn't long before he was encouraging me to cut my mom some slack and allow her to have a "normal" relationship with me. (By "normal" he meant trips to the mall, dinners at their house, mother/daughter phone calls, etc.) There were so many things wrong with the way my mom treated me and allowed her husbands to treat me, that I just knew there was no way to have "normal" under the circumstances. I tried to explain that my mother's neglect and selfishness were the reasons that the sexual abuse from husband #3 and the verbal & physical abuse from #4 lasted as long as they did. But my ex-husband couldn't grasp my idea that not all moms are created equal. In my case, my mother was abusive and I deserved protection from her. He thought she deserved a relationship with me, regardless. This is when my walls started coming up and I stopped being honest with him about how much I hurt.

As we've read throughout unit 1, many times people do not know what to say or do to help people who have been sexually abused - especially when one is abused by a family member. My ex-husband was a young man who came from a wonderful family in a delightful midwestern small town. Things like this were unheard of - which means it happened in secret and no one talked about it. It was practically taboo for him to talk about sexual abuse, so it stands to reason that he would be ill prepared to help me recover from it.

When I felt like he was "on my parents' side", I felt betrayed and all alone. I completely stopped talking to him about anything I needed. We moved to the east coast a few months after we were married, and distance from home was a good thing for me. I was relieved to be far from the chaos and strained relationships; however, I'd brought all the baggage with me. Birthdays and holidays were the hardest, but I barely let on to my ex-husband that anything was wrong. He could tell that something was "off", but I think he figured time would heal it. When he didn't reach out to me, I didn't bother reaching out to him. That's when I began having difficulty with fidelity - I was looking for affirmation from other men. I needed someone to find me interesting, attractive, appealing. My ex-husband worked hard and was pursuing a career as a professional athlete, so he didn't have a lot of time for me. That hurt my feelings, driving me further away. But I didn't say much. Occasionally I would tell him that we weren't as close as I wished we were... But, by the time we were in marriage counseling, I was already pretty checked-out of the marriage and really had no intention of checking back in.

As I look back on this failed relationship, I have many regrets. He is truly a very nice guy and I believe he was willing to listen, if only I would have talked. I believe he would have been open to understanding where I was coming from, if only I'd have had the courage to be vulnerable with him. I know now that he was just inexperienced, not insensitive.

When I say I have regrets, I absolutely do not mean that I regret where I am today. I DO NOT. But, I regret how I acted in the first marriage, how I hurt my ex-husband and our families and friends; how I dragged that baggage with me and let it consume my life for so many years. I deeply regret how I hurt others, all because I was wounded and was choosing not to deal with it.

Unit 1 Lesson 3, Indications of Recovery

As we take these early steps towards recovery, you might feel frightened and anxious. Thinking about the events of the past that have hurt us so deeply is a difficult and scary thing. The Apostle Paul writes, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7. As we prepare to become vulnerable with other people in our lives, it makes sense to first be vulnerable with God. Share with Him your fears and anxiety. Know that our hope in Christ focuses upon God's promise of a life to come that is free from suffering and anxiety. While life on earth will never be completely free from pain, we can experience some of what is to come through God's healing grace. He is faithful.

Recovery from the effects of sexual abuse does not follow a precise path. While other survivors you know might find peace in areas where you are still having difficulty, bear in mind that this is YOUR journey and you have to process through it at your pace. As you advance in your recovery, be assured that God will equip you with the ability to handle whatever comes your way. Recovery is an ongoing process.

The following list describes a person who has worked through and recovered from sexual abuse. As you read through the list, think about where you are at. Be honest with yourself, but also be patient as you work toward the goals that are the most difficult for you.

• I am willing to face the abuse and acknowledge the hurt and pain.
• I understand that the abuse was a violation.
• I have an increased awareness of my value and worth.
• I can list significant others that I can trust.
• I can share thoughts and feelings about the abuse with others if I choose to do so.
• I recognize relationship tendencies that avoid honesty and intimacy.
• I am overcoming feelings of shame and false guilt.
• I recognize that I was a victim even though I may have experienced physical arousal during the abuse.

As you read through this statements, make note of the areas where you are already experiencing recovery. Are there any that you do not understand? Are there any that are particularly difficult for you?

You may be thinking that some of these things are impossible. As a person who was once in your shoes, let me assure that they are not. If you are willing to hang in there and keep forging ahead with this process, you will find more freedom and fulfillment than you could ever have imagined.

I want you to ponder these indications of recovery and apply them to yourself; therefore, I'm not going to relate any of them back to my own experience just yet. If you have any questions, feel free to comment and I will reply.

Good night for now. God bless!

Unit 1 Lesson 2 - Can I Get the Support I Need?

This lesson is a lot of reading and encouragement; not really any questions. So, I'm going to attempt to paraphrase the reading...

Support people are really a big part of one's recovery, but it can be very difficult to bring yourself to a place where you are comfortable asking for someone else's help or being vulnerable with your feelings. You might even be faced with telling someone for the very first time that you were sexually abused. Almost everyone who goes through recovery is reluctant at first to reach out to others, but your support system will largely determine the success of your recovery. You need support. You are worthy of support.

Just today I had a nice talk with a girl friend. Four and a half years ago I'd told her about my abusive childhood. She told me today that she had no idea what to say or what to do with the information at the time, so she felt like she did nothing... I remember the day that we were together and I remember parts of our conversation that day, but I actually didn't remember telling her anything about my childhood. Her reaction (or lack of a reaction) didn't register with me, but it stuck with her. As I've thought about this over the last ten hours, it occurred to me that I was just beginning to talk openly with others about my childhood about the time that I told her. Just telling her was what I needed. I didn't need a response or any solutions, I just needed someone to tell who wouldn't treat me differently after. And that is what I got. Even without a significant response on her part, just the acceptance and a listening ear was healing. This, my friends, is part of a support system.

As you begin to reach out to others, it is important to think wisely about who you will talk with and what you will share. Most people will not automatically know what to say or what to do, so providing them with some do's and don'ts can be very helpful. People who genuinely mean well may say and do some painful and damaging things because they do not understand. We have all opened our mouth and inserted our foot at one time or another.

As you tell family and friends, be prepared for them to respond in any number of ways. They may be angry, sad, hurt or afraid. They might be confused. If the rule in their house was to avoid talking about painful events, their reaction might be to turn off their feelings. They may pull away because they don't know what to say or do. However they respond, try not to accept responsibility for their reactions. And don't take their reaction personally. They might also attempt to smother you with concern and care. We must remember that this recovery journey is ours. Our supporters will help us, but they cannot take this journey for us.

People commonly respond to sexual abuse with silence and secrecy; however, telling your story is an important part of the recovery process!

Guidelines for selecting supportive people:

• Pray for God's wisdom as you choose a supportive person.
• Choose a person unrelated but sympathetic to the situation surrounding your abuse. You may want to consider someone who has been in recovery for a year or more, a professional counselor, a pastor, or lay caregiver.
• If you tell a family member do not blame them for not helping sooner.
• Determine how much of your story you want to tell. You might want to try writing an outline ahead of time. Remember that you do not have ot tell anything you do not want to tell.
• Pray for the person you will enlist for support.

Some survivors have difficulty with the reactions of others when they tell their stories. Remember to allow you supporters room to struggle with their feelings and remember that they need for you to tell them what you need.

As you think and pray about who the support people are in your life, remember what the Lord says, "I will go before you and make the rough places smooth; I will shatter the doors of bronze, and cut through their iron bars. And I will give you the treasures of darkness, and hidden wealth in secret places, in order that you may know that it is I, the Lord, the God of Israel, who calls you by name." Isaiah 45:2-3

He has placed someone in your life that can be trusted to love on you through this recovery process. He knows where you are headed and exactly what you will need once you get there. He will provide, and you will discover treasures, hidden riches.

Unit 1 Lesson 1 - Why a Support Group?

This lesson is obviously about support groups. For those of you who are not in a support group, please read this with an open mind and consider finding a group, counselor or support person that you can walk this journey with.

Survivors of sexual abuse often experience a whole host of life problems and, most often, we do not even connect those problems to sexual abuse. But there is a connection and we will discuss that in depth in the coming weeks.

Statistics show that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys are sexually abused by their 18th birthday. You are not alone! This study (and this blog) is designed to provide support, compassion and care as you seek recovery from the effects of sexual abuse. Recovery is a difficult process; however, it is possible!

Webster's defines "recover" as 'to get back; regain.' What does it mean to you when you think about recovering from the abuse in your past?

The answers are countless, but you might have said something like, "To have peace. To feel whole. To regain your innocence, purity, sense of belonging. To love and be loved. To be freed from shame or guilt." Those are certainly the things I wanted from recovery.

When God created you, He had a great plan. He intended for you to have a life of meaning and purpose. The actions of one or more people damaged that life. Recovery means regaining what God intended for you.

You may feel that all hope for healing is lost. Like me, you might have struggled a long time just to survive, to hide your hurt and to heal the wounds alone and in your own strength. I can hear Dr. Phil saying to me, "How's that working for you?" The answer for me was a resounding "NOT VERY WELL". Once I was able to admit that, it became clear that I needed the support of others. Support people can help you to develop a new and living way out of silence and isolation.

You may believe that you cannot trust God since He did not protect you from the abuse. Yet, God offers hope through a relationship with Jesus Christ. As you work through the healing process in supportive Christian surroundings, you will have the opportunity to find that your sadness can be turned into joy. Christ offers hope and healing from sexual abuse.

Hebrews 10:25 tells us, "Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another." As I think about that, I am encouraged to talk with others about what I have been through. It is not "impolite" or "disgusting" to tell the truth about sexual abuse. I have nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. It is okay to talk about it!

Most survivors isolate themselves from others to avoid the risk of being hurt again. And that isolation prevents us from developing the skills needed to encourage one another. And the vicious cycle continues... During the course of this study, it is my hope and prayer that you will find the encouragement, acceptance, safety, love, compassion and understanding needed to heal and get on the other side of your painful past.

The memory verse for Unit 1 is from Psalm 55:6-8 NASB. David says: 'I said, "Oh that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly far away and be at rest - I would flee far away and stay in the desert; I would hurry to my place of shelter, far from the tempest and storm."

We are not alone! Even David, a man who was especially close to God, had moments when he wanted to escape from his problems and pressures. God can be our place of shelter/

Why are you putting yourself through this?

This question always comes up on the first night of group... "Why should I put myself through this?" The answer is that we cannot recover from something that we don't acknowledge. And even when we choose to stuff the feelings rather than deal with them, we are still suffering. And stuffing forever would mean suffering forever. Dealing with the issues head-on gives us a chance to get past it and live a life free from constant suffering.

But the question that I went to sleep thinking about was, "Are you happy?" I answered "ecstatic", but it is so much more than just a jumping-up-and-down, surprise-party kind of happiness. My healing began as my courtship with my husband began, so I really cannot separate my recovery from my relationship with him. Our relationship was the first place I could see my recovery playing out. He was the first person I took the masks off for. The first person I told the WHOLE truth to. I didn't just share the facts with him. I shared with him my feelings, my deepest secrets, my pain, my grief, the truth about what I did to cope and fill the voids.

Early in our relationship I just took the trusting plunge. I didn't hide from him. And telling him the truth and sharing with him the real me was freeing. I told him about the things that had hurt me, and I told him about the things I did to cope and what I knew needed to change in order for me to move beyond the past. He accepted me and I began to feel a deep happiness for the first time in my life. Our relationship was warm, comforting and safe - not just giddy.

This is not to say that we didn't have our fair share of problems. I was discovering how to be in a healthy relationship with a man, but I still didn't know how to be a part of a family or how to be a friend to other women. Because of that, I was still pretty isolated and had periods of profound sadness over the lack of "family" (parents & siblings). I was very happy with my husband (we'd gotten married) but didn't allow anyone else to know me.

Not long into our marriage, we had our first child on the way. I quit my job and became a stay-at-home mom. Since the only adult in my life was my husband, I spent most of my time with a drooling baby. After almost a year of this, I was getting cagey and wanting to meet other moms. I was terrified of being rejected, but I wanted someone to meet at the park for a playdate. We didn't even have to be friends! I just wanted to talk to someone who could talk back and wouldn't spit up on me. I decided that my next door neighbor was a good candidate. She lived close, our kids were the same age, and she seemed nice enough. In time, I decided that maybe she was good "friend" material, so I allowed her to get to know me. I told her small things at first and when she didn't laugh or throw me out of her house, I'd share more. She became my treasured friend - the first girl who I could ever really be real with. Her friendship led me out of my isolation and into many more friendships with women. A huge cirlce of friends, in fact. I was very happy with just my husband and son, but with my first girl-friendship came a happiness that I'd never even dreamed existed and seemed almost like too much to ask for.

At the same time this first girl-friendship was blooming, my husband and I joined the church that we'd been visiting for months. I came to know God in a way that I'd never known him before. He was no longer just God, up there in the sky, invisible... He was now Father God. That in itself was a heart-filler for me. My husband, my son and my new friend were more happiness than I'd ever known, but getting to know God filled my heart to over-flowing.

Taking the risk to face the reality of how my abuse was impacting my life led to a healthy relationship with a man, then marriage, children, friendships, and God. The hardest thing for me to learn was to trust family again - not my birth family, but the in-laws. And once I started dipping my toes into that water, I discovered that I actually do have a family.

Am I happy? YES - my cup runneth over!

Beginning Recovery

Tomorrow is the first day of group study. Please be in prayer for the ladies who will meet together for the next 13 Thursday nights, and also the men and women who are following this blog. I am not going to retype the entire workbook, so instead I will select parts of each lesson to blog about each day.

The workbook we are using is Shelter From the Storm, by Cynthia Kubetin Littlefield and James Mallory, M.D.

Since group starts tomorrow, I'm going to share a little of the Introduction with you. (I will italicize when something is coming directly from the book.)

"Our lives have been distorted by the trauma of sexual abuse... Nothing in life isolates us from healthy human relationships and from a relationship with God as does sexual abuse. Any experience of sexual abuse - but especially child sexual abuse - violates our boundaries and our trust. The experience teaches us not to trust appropriately. It sets us up for a life that combines times of painful isolation interrupted by experiences of blindly trusting, which set us up to be victimized again and again. Shelter From the Storm will help you to understand yourself. You will begin to identify destructive patterns that the abuse began and that other influences and choices have strengthened in your life. As you identify these harmful patterns, you will be able to make Christ-honoring and life-enhancing changes. It will help you learn how you can experience God's love, forgiveness, and power in all life's circumstances. You will learn to not only understand the storm of sexual abuse, but to move from victim to survivor to thriver.

As we go through this process, you will have the means to identify the ways that your past experience is damaging your present circumstance. You will be equipped to begin a healing process which will bring you a clear sense of identity and a healthy relationship to the Lord built on positive experiences and His unconditional love."

As I read through that, I am reminded of what I've heard counselors say over and over again. "Most of the time, someone doesn't come in saying that they need to process through childhood sexual abuse. What generally happens is that someone comes in to discuss other issues and over a period of time it is revealed that they were sexually abused." And when I think about my own counseling sessions, I can vividly remember saying that my current problems had nothing at all to do with the abuse ---- "I was over the abuse. It was history. Who cares about that? I am not damaged! My (ex) husband was a jerk. I was justified in walking out on him because he didn't meet all my needs. It is all my mom's fault that our relationship is rocky. I am not "needy", I just enjoy flirting. I don't withdraw from others, they ignore me. Why not just pick up and start again, I'm young? Now that I'm all grown up, I will control everything." And there are many more defensive, justifying statements that I'd tell myself and others to keep from ever dealing with what was at the core of my pain.

Friends, in the coming months, we will unpack a lot and will discover "treasures hidden in the darkness - sweet riches", Isaiah 45:3a. I look forward to writing more tomorrow and reading what you have to say in the comments. Many prayers and blessings as you begin this journey.

One Man's Story

This is an amazing testimony from Dave Cox.

NOTE - When I posted this yesterday, I had a million thoughts running through my mind, but didn't know exactly what to say. I still don't know what to say, but I feel I should clarify one thing - Dave did not ask me to post this. Dave Cox was my church's pastor. Many friends from church may be checking this out just to see Dave, and I want to encourage you to do just that. He talks about you, and it meant something to me to hear it. I received this video via email from a friend. I have not talked to Dave in almost two years, so the video appearing here is not self-serving on Dave's part. The abuse in his childhood is no excuse for the poor decisions he made - and he's careful to point that out. But there is no denying that the abuse left a gaping hole in his life that he tried filling with various things over a period of many years. The results were devastating to thousands of people, many of whom are still dealing with it today. I see a lot of my own life in Dave's story and think many other survivors will too. Again, Dave made the poor decisions, but the initial void was caused by one person's sin of child sexual abuse... and that sin reached into the lives of many in our community.

Part 1:
http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=e52ed0b7cbe2e4a426fe

Part 2:
http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=7bb616c404f121a083ac

There are several LifeLines (support groups) at our church for hurting people.

Victory Over Sexual Abuse (women only) will begin meeting next Thursday, Jan. 22 in Overland Park, KS and Lenexa, KS.

Victory Over Sexual Sin (addiction to pornography, etc. - women only) begins tonight in Lenexa, KS.

One-on-one counseling is also available!

Email victoryoversexualabuse@live.com for information about any of these ministries.

Recovery

You may be asking yourself why I use the word "recovery" so often. I was pretty broken by the abuse in my childhood. I wasn't literally snapped in two like a bone break, but my heart was certainly shattered and every belief I held about myself and others was also shattered.

If you were hit by a car, you might have skin abrasions and broken bones. You may be hospitalized, in a cast or brace, require several x-rays or scans. You may have to go through extensive therapy to learn how to use those broken limbs again. Healing from sexual abuse is very much the same. The wounds need to be looked at, tended to and cared for. Over time and with proper attention, you will find that the wounds are diminishing and health is replacing the brokenness. It is a recovery process. It is absolutely not an easy process, but it is well worth putting the time, effort, and emotions into. You are worth it!

Isaiah 42:2-3 says: “I will go before you and make the rough places smooth. I will shatter the doors of bronze and cut through the iron bars. And I will give you treasures of darkness, and hidden wealth in secret places, in order that you may know that it is I, the Lord, the God of Israel who calls you by your name.”

As you journey through your recovery, know that God is the one who will make the rough places smooth. Recovery involves opening up some areas that are dark and frightening. It involves revealing information that has likely been kept secret. God can help you find treasures in the darkness and wealth in those secret places. You need to know that you exist and have meaning and value. God calls YOU by NAME!

My story

For the first 27 years of my life, I rarely felt like I “belonged” anywhere or to anyone. My mother and birth father were married for about a year and a half and split up when I was about six months old. I didn’t see or hear from him again until I was 26 and that reunion only lasted one weekend.

My mother met her third husband shortly after leaving my birth father. Almost immediately, Mom decided that we should live with this new boyfriend. They eventually married and had another child. This man adopted me when I was eight years old and started sexually abusing me around that same time. The abuse lasted for a short time before I told my mother. She confronted him and the abuse stopped for a while, but eventually restarted. They stayed together for another three years – divorcing at the end of my 6^th grade year.

During those three years that they remained married, I hated myself. I felt like I was weird, like I had to keep big secrets from all my friends and like I was trash. There were times I even felt like a prostitute – and I was too young to even know what that meant. I wanted more than anything to be changed into a boy. I ran around with all the neighbor boys and started causing trouble in school. I didn’t want anything to do with femininity – I hated when Mom would make me curl my hair or wear a dress. I don’t remember ever having a doll or a Barbie.

When their divorce was final, Mom and I celebrated together. I thought she believed me and was finally putting my needs first. I thought she would protect me. However, when I was in my mid-20’s (years after their divorce), my mom confessed to having never believed me. She thought I was crazy, a trouble-maker, a girl trying to seduce her step father. When I asked her why she divorced him then, she said that she felt she had to before I ruined the entire family.

In the years following the divorce, my mom and my abuser continued to date. My mother insisted that I go with my sister on all visitations with him. She told me that it was to protect my sister, sending me the message that I was the sacrificial lamb. My abuse continued until I was 15 ½ years old. At that time, I was the one who had to stand up to him myself – confronting him one night when he came to me – and refusing to go on anymore overnights. I didn’t bother telling my mother that he was abusing me again, as I knew she would not protect me and she would likely even accuse me of seducing him again. Eventually she did find out, but it wasn’t because I’d asked for her help.

As a child, I wasn't aware of everything going on around me, but I don't believe the authorities were notified of the abuse until I was 15 ½. It is unclear to me who required (or why) that I see a counselor and participate in group therapy when I was just 12. A state social worker would pick me up from school once a week, during class, and take me to the county mental health office. In front of the class, my teacher frequently commented on my having to leave early. I said I had doctor’s appointments and hoped they all just thought I had cancer or something. The car had a state license plate on it, making me feel like I was riding around in a car with a huge neon sign on it that advertised my damaged state. The girls in my group all lived in foster care. My mother would tell me that if I told them about her dating my abuser that they would take me away too. The unknown could be far worse than the known, so I didn’t share the depths of abuse and neglect going on in my homelife..

Another problem I had at the time was that we had moved. We left our modest house in a nice neighborhood and moved into a low-income town home in a far less desirable part of town. The kids in the new neighborhood hated me on sight… I was very quiet and shy and rather bookish, so they made fun of me, called me names and chased me home from school threatening to beat me up. Those kids made it painfully clear that I did not belong there! I transferred schools the following year. Changing schools meant no longer running home from the school bullies, but now I was in classrooms with kids I believed had families that loved them and weren’t poor. I was very quiet in class, always certain that if I opened my mouth I’d say something stupid. I had very few friends. I constantly feared that if people knew the truth about me, knew about the abuse, where I lived, or how I lived, that they wouldn’t like me. Now, some of this is normal teenage angst, but I’m certain that the abuse played a substantial role in my non-existent self-esteem.

Most of the happy childhood memories I have involve church. My parents attendance was very sporadic. Most of the time I rode to church with my friend's family. Her mother took me to church, Vacation Bible School and even arranged for me to go to church camp every summer. At church camp, when I was nine years old, I accepted Christ (but really had no idea what that meant). After my family moved, she wasn’t able to give me a ride anymore. I cannot remember a single Bible lesson I was taught over those ten years, but I remember that church was the one place I felt loved and cared for. It was the only place I laughed with abandon, acted like a kid and felt like I belonged. That ended when I was 15 years old.

My life was pretty much in a downward spiral after that… I started running with a partying crowd and dated a boy for a couple of years who’d cheated on me, was incredibly disrespectful and even beat me once. I stayed because he said he loved me. He showed me more affection and concern than my parents, so I felt like I’d found a place where I belonged. During our three-year on-again-off-again relationship, I was constantly talking to him about marriage. He wasn’t interested.

After that relationship ended, I bounced around from one short-term relationship to the next. I felt the only way I could interest a guy was to flirt a lot and morph into whatever he wanted in a girl. I also turned to drinking a lot. I have never been addicted to alcohol, but I have never once had a drink without the intention of getting drunk. I was so uncomfortable in my own skin, and being drunk either made me feel like I was someone else or took me to a place where I no longer cared about who I was.

Barely 21, I married a guy that I’d been introduced to by a friend. He had big professional aspirations, I had emotional needs and secrets that I couldn't begin to verbalize. I was needy for security, physical touch, quality time and verbal affirmation. I was so unfulfilled and hurting... I flirted non-stop with any man who seemed to notice. I did not want to flirt with other men, but I didn’t feel whole without the attention. And the attention still left me empty, but it was a momentary high that I enjoyed. Eventually we saw a marriage counselor. One day the counselor referred to me as an “abandoner” (having such a deep tendency to reject before being rejected). I strongly disagreed, and never went back – I abandoned counseling because I didn’t care much for the truth. We’d tried a lot of superficial things to make the marriage work. We spent a lot of money, built a house, took elaborate vacations, bought designer everything, had brand new cars and joined a country club. After six years, I quietly left him. I’d abandoned my old life and began a new one back home.

Around this same time, I received an email from a guy that I went to high school with. We met for dinner one night and married just ten months later. From the very beginning, I was honest with him about where I’d been in my life and what I needed. He was up for the challenge – and boy was it a challenge in the first couple of years! While I was functioning well compared to my parents, I was still quite wounded and frequently acted on it. Marrying into a “family” was very hard for me. I was suspicious and jealous of my mother-in-law and sister-in-law. I analyzed their every move and had come to the conclusion that they were needy and relied on my husband in an unhealthy way. I developed an ugly attitude towards them and found myself on a website “venting” my frustrations about them. My postings were eventually discovered, and they were wounded in a way that I can never take back. With all my heart, I wish I hadn’t done the things that I did.

I am sharing this with you because I want you to know not only the way people have sinned against me, but also the ways I have hurt others as a result of my unbearable pain, hopelessness and unhealthy defense mechanisms. There are so many things I regret having done – so many people in the wake of my despair.

A year and a half into our marriage, my husband and I were expecting our first child. We both felt the need to raise our kids in church, but for very different reasons. He wanted to raise our kids in a Christian home; whereas, I simply wanted our kids to experience the little bit of childhood happiness I’d had.

Eight months pregnant, we found a church we both loved. And, of course, the church was in the middle of a “love your family” kind of series! After two sermons, I emailed the pastor a brief summary of my relationship with my parents, ending with the question “how am I supposed to honor my mother and father when they’ve never done anything honorable?” This was pretty much the reason I’d avoided church for the last 10 years or so… The pastor responded with some sermon notes that changed my life! What stood out to me the most was a bullet that said, “forgiveness does not require reconciliation”. To which I said, “Okay, I can live with that!” What I needed at that time was to be able to forgive my mother while also keeping my distance. She is still the same person she’s always been, so for me to buy into the whole forgiveness idea, it had to be okay to not spend any time with her.

That was 5 ½ years ago and I have learned and grown a great deal. Attending church regularly, being involved in ministry, reading the Bible, and spending time talking through life with godly people has completely changed my husband and me and our marriage. We have learned so much about God, his sovereignty, his strength, his holiness, his provision, his forgiveness, his love and his faithfulness. But even with all of that growth and transformation, I knew I was still missing something. I had to deal with my childhood before I’d have the peace I so desperately wanted. I’d finally admitted to myself that I’d completely lived up to the pastor’s comment about not reconciling with my mother, but I hadn’t gotten far with the forgiveness bit. So, I did something I swore I’d never do… I let my mother send me back into therapy! I’d forgiven my step-father years earlier (I haven’t spoken to him since I was 15 ½, so being out of sight helped), but just couldn’t get there with my mom. She is my mother – the person who was supposed to protect me and choose me over all others! Instead, she chose him, and she chose herself and her needs. She did not protect me, and that hurt more than anything physical my abuser could have done. I needed a counselor to help walk me through this forgiveness bit! At our first meeting, my counselor gave me the book “Dorie, The Girl Nobody Loved”. I was immediately drawn to it simply because of its title – boy could I relate! Dorie had a much tougher upbringing than any I could imagine and she was able to forgive. She allowed God’s love to transform her life. He grew her into a remarkable woman, so I began praying that God would do that kind of work in my life.

For the first couple of years, I had to be very intentional with my prayer time, Bible reading and overall attitude towards my mother. Many prayers started with, “There is nothing in me that wants to pray for her, but you love her and I need to forgive her. Help me to do that…”. In time, I was filled with the grace and mercy needed for me to forgive my mom. The peace and comfort I’ve found in God is quite overwhelming – truly a feeling that is only made possible by Him.

And as I look back over my life, I can clearly see God’s hand in it. It wasn’t luck that planted my childhood friend and her mom in my life. That was God’s doing. That woman, along with many others at that church, loved me and invested in me. And as I was about to become a mother, it was their love that I remembered and wanted to replicate for my children. While I truly believed for many years that I was all alone and utterly unloved, God was loving me and just waiting for me to love Him back.