A renewed youth

I am in the process of putting my life's story into a book and in the last few days, I have been feeling like I need to write as fast as humanly possible... The reason? My memories are changing.

Social networking sites like Facebook and My Space are all the rage. Many of my friends are out there and they talk about it all the time. I was tempted, but I knew there were two reasons I did not want to go there. #1 - A part of me was afraid that no one from my past would even remember me and I'd feel rejected. But I know the truth - I know that I was never invisible and that my memories of the past were horribly clouded by my pained perspective. #2 - In the past I struggled with an overwhelming desire to reject people I was in relationship with before they could reject me. Deep down, when considering these social networking sites, I would think, "But, if I reconnect with an old boyfriend, will that tempt me to ditch my husband if I'm mad at him?" The honest truth is that I can never say that would never happen, but my husband and I take careful measures to ensure that our relationship is what it should be. The bottom line - I was choosing not to participate in this social networking stuff out of fear. As I thought about it, I decided that I wanted to make a conscious decision this time to overcome my fears.

God has honored that... I was blessed right away with renewed relationships with several people from my early childhood and teen years. Some I haven't seen in over twenty years. They have said the nicest things to me and have shared some of the most pleasant memories with me. I had forgotten so much of what they remembered. As I talk with them, they are reconstructing my past - giving me a fresh and pure perspective of innocence, joy, and youth. Those gaps in time that I do not remember at all are being filled now with bike races, days at the pool, slumber parties, birthday parties, Girl Scouts, crushes, camp and homemade pizza. As I discussed this with my friend today, I'd expressed my excitement over getting to finally experience this stuff. It was then that she said, "I'll bet you experienced it then too but just had too much going on at home to keep the fun memories fresh in your mind." I know that she is right. I did experience fun things as a child, but the pain of the abuse quickly diminished the good stuff. But the opposite is happening today... I am remembering all the good stuff and the bad memories are diminishing. It is a crazy, wonderful, amazing thing.

This is the third time I have gone through Shelter From the Storm in the last year. When I started leading groups a year ago I had a pretty good handle on things. However, I do not think I would be discovering this much profound healing if it wasn't for the study and the continued recovery efforts that I am making everyday. I want to encourage you to keep taking your journey into recovery. It is amazing the way God has been faithful to his word; "Who redeems your life from the pit; Who crowns you with lovingkindness and compassion; Who satisfies your years with good things, So that your youth is renewed like the eagle." Psalm 103:4-5

I feel an urgency to write this book quickly. I fear that the youth I want to write about will be all but forgotten before I know it. But my story needs to be shared. I want to share it in its entirety so that other survivors will know that they are not alone. God has laid it on my heart to write it, so I know He will allow the memories, feelings and emotions to be real long enough for me to accomplish His work. But it is coming quickly.. a completely renewed youth.

Memories during intimacy

Intimacy isn’t discussed until unit 12, but I received this question via email today. Others of you might have this same question, so I wanted to post it.

Question: I just wondered if you still relive all of the past every time you are feeling intimate. I have found that to be something that I can't escape...I don't feel like I struggle with the situation anymore, just the fact that I can't erase the memories.

My response: I am so sorry that you are dealing with that. It is certainly not the way God intended for marital intimacy.

Having memories or difficulty being intimate is not uncommon for survivors, but it is one reaction that I have been blessed to not have had to deal with very much. There are a few behaviors or word phrases that trigger memories, but not a great deal. When I experience something that triggers a memory, I always tell my husband and he immediately stops whatever it is. Not only does he stop, but he is also compassionate, understanding and even apologetic. While he does not mean to scare or upset me, I always appreciate that he understands and does whatever is needed to comfort me. But I had to TELL him about the feelings in order for him to know.

Here is a story directly out of Shelter From The Storm that might help...

One husband and wife came to the counseling office because the wife did not want to have sexual intercourse with her husband. She was in denial as a result of the abuse, and he was very angry because she refused to have sex with him. To his dismay, the counselor suggested abstinence from sex for a period of time so the wife could begin to deal with the past sexual issues. He agreed only because, as he said, "That's what's happening anyway - so it couldn't be any worse." Fortunately, in spite of his initial reluctance, the husband was able to reach deep inside himself to help his wife. God was able to touch their lives, although inside during the early part of the wife's recovery, she simply was not functioning. This story ended in a great victory for both husband and wife.

She said, "For the first time, sex is good. I never knew or understood the intimacy that God intended for me through sex. How distorted it was for me in the past, but now the most beautiful part is how tenderly my husband sees me. I want to say it is a miracle, but I realize this is really just how God meant it to be."

This husband chose to support, accept and understand. He and his wife certainly had good days and bad days in the process of recovery, but they chose to forgive and try again to continue on their long journey through the storm.

A question that goes along with what you've asked is, "How do I get the memories to go away?" I'm going to take a stab at answering that, but I think it's just about as mysterious as explaining prayer... In my journey, I have discovered that as I've processed my story over and over again, I have addressed different parts of it and experienced healing every time. I am going through the Shelter study for the third time right now, and I am learning new things everyday! Recovery is not a one-time thing, unfortunately. While you may be functioning at a very high and healthy level most of the time, it sounds like more healing needs to take place in order for you to experience the joys that God intended in intimacy. Something that has been key in my life is that my old cruddy memories are being drown out by new good ones. Even good memories from the past!

A good analogy is this visual that one of our church pastor's does... Fill a clear glass half-full with water. When we were born, it was clear - pure, innocent, unadulterated. Then someone did something awful to us that changed us (add dark food coloring to change the water color to a muddied, dirty color). The water’s color represents how we feel now - dark, dirty, damaged, impure, etc. How does the water in our cup ever run clear again? The answer - someone (God, our spouse, children, friends, etc.) needs to pour clear water (love, joy, peace, understanding, forgiveness, acceptance, compassion, concern, protection, provision, etc) into our cup. The new clear water will begin to dilute the dark-colored water... and with enough clear water, the muddied waters are almost completely gone. That is how other people are able to make such an impact on our lives - through what they pour into us.

Another vital piece would be to specifically pray that God would minimize the bad memories and direct your steps so that you can enjoy sex. Ask Him if there are things you can do to help prepare your mind for intimacy. I have one friend that sometimes prays during sex. That might sound a little awkward, but I'd certainly prefer to invite God into the bedroom before my abuser!

Thank you for trusting me with this question. I am here to talk anytime, friend.

If you have experienced this and have anything to add to the conversation, please feel free to comment.

How long does it take?

I get quite a few emails from people who are following
this blog...  One that I received today expresses what
many of you are likely thinking.  With the writer's
permission, I would like to share it with you.

Email from K: You don't know me, I just wanted to drop
you an email and say hi. I came across your blog when
I was looking for Christian resources on this topic.
I think I am just starting on the road to recovery. A
couple of months in. I've been hoping for a quick fix...
but I'm learning that isn't the way the Lord usually
works. I find your blog very hard to read, but thank you
for writing it. Please keep blogging, there isn't much
stuff like this around in the UK and it's such a comfort
and guide to me. I have a million questions, but I'll
just ask one, how long does it take for the memories
to not affect you so much?

My response: Thank you so much for your email.  I am
always so blessed to hear that the blog is useful and
helping others.  I take a lot of comfort in that
personally -- it reminds me that my childhood was worth
more than merely surviving.  That, because of the things
I went through and the way God is healing me daily, I
have something I can share with others to help them too.
This ministry gives an indescribable purpose to the pain
from my childhood.

I know that reading the blog is hard.  Take your time
getting through it.  It is not about speed reading but
about healing.

I wish there was a simple answer to your question.  I
think that a big part of the answer has to do with how we
choose to respond to the situation.  That might be hard to
understand...  It is human nature to feel sorry for
ourselves, to focus intensely on the anger and rage that
we feel, or to get totally caught up in the unfairness of
the situation.  But when we do that, I think we get caught
up in the emotional wildfire and experience the complete
opposite of peace.  When we're in that place, there is no
chance for the memories to fade because we are so focused
on them.

As we take this journey laid out in the Shelter From
the Storm study, we will process through the memories,
feelings, emotions, coping mechanisms, etc.  But our
purpose here is solution-oriented.  We are not going
through this study just to relive all the garbage.  We
want to understand what has happened to us, recognize how
it has and is effecting our lives, and figure out what we
need to do differently in order to be completely restored.

How long will it take?  I wish I could tell you...
Everyone's process is different.  I didn't start involving
God in my recovery until I was 29 years old.  My first
visit with a counselor was at age 12, so that is 17 years
of of my life that might have been drastically different
if I'd had gone to him first.  And when I did invite God
into this process, my baggage was immediately lighter - but
I was very ready for major life change!  You've heard it
said before, "a person cannot be helped if they don't want
help".  That was true in my case.  I had a lot of big ideas
about how I was just fine, or how I could control things
into a degree of fine, or I could just move far away and
discover a great new life.  But none of my great plans
panned out, so God was the only viable option left for me.
And I was as ready for his healing as I'd ever been for
anything else in my life.  I wanted it and was willing to
do everything He asked me to do to get it - even the
things I didn't want to do.

The first month of the process is very hard.  Defining
sexual abuse, reflecting on our lives in order to determine
the abuses we've suffered, naming our abusers, recognizing
the dysfunction around us, etc. are all very difficult
tasks (and all bring back a lot of old memories, flashbacks,
nightmares, etc).  We are ripping down the veil and coming
face to face with what we've invested precious time and
energy into running away from.  It brings back old memories
and breaks our hearts all over again.  This is one heck of
a hurdle!  But from here, once we know what we're dealing
with, we can begin to rebuild.  The earlier lessons involve
exposing all the darkness, pain, shame and secrets.  The
latter lessons are focused on healing them - overcoming
fears, healing loneliness, being comforted, beginning to
trust again, becoming able to discern trustworthy from
untrustworthy people, learning what forgiveness is and why
we need to do it, confronting those who have hurt us, and
discovering intimacy in relationships.  These are the
skills we were unable to develop as victims of
abuse..  God's plan is for us to have deep and meaningful
relationships and joyful lives.  That is where the hope
lies that we need to hold on to for dear life in order to
get us through this recovery process.