Vengeance

My mom called me a couple of weeks ago. I was walking out the door, so we only talked for a few minutes. She called me back over the weekend. We hadn't talked since Christmas night 2008.

As we were talking, she'd asked me how my visit went with a certain childhood friend. Stunned that she knew, I said, "How'd you hear about that?" She fumbled for an answer, but ended up explaining that she'd run into another of my childhood friends who'd read it on my blog.

I write this blog under a pen name for safety reasons and to avoid any lawsuit that someone might want to bring for defamation of character or something. I don't even know if that's possible, but I don't want to find out the hard way.

I have a family blog that I write using only first names. If someone were to google my name, the blog would not come up. I hadn't considered the possibility that my mom would run into a friend of mine from 20+ years ago and that she'd tell my mom about it!

I don't know if my mom has read my blog, but I was certainly thrown for a loop by the possibility. I am fiercely protective of my privacy. To "keep my private life private" (which is completely contrary to the fact that I publicly blog about my so-called private life) I have considered putting a password on my family blog and coming off of Facebook... I have this innate desire to keep them out of my life. And, by that, I mean beyond merely having strict, appropriate boundaries. I pretty much want everyone to say "no comment" if certain people were to ask about me.

As I've processed these feelings, I have forced myself to sincerely examine my motives. I don't want to shut anyone out but them. Why?

I have legitimate concerns about safety - completely legitimate. But I have come to see that part of my privacy seeking has to do with vengeance. I want those who have hurt me to know that they no longer have access to me. I want them to know that they don't know what's going on in my life. I want them to feel the pain of being a stranger to me.

It pains me to say it, but I want them to feel pain. And I mask this vengeance by calling it a consequence.

There are reasonable consequences to what they have done. Boundaries. Details of where and when my children are not with my husband and me kept private. Truths spoken. But shutting them out of knowing who I visited over summer vacation, seeing some cute pictures of our kids playing in the snow, or reading about our soccer season... I see now that I have used that to get even.

I used to want to put signs in my abuser's front yard. I wanted his neighbors to know that he is a sexual predator. That more aggressive and obvious vengeance has faded into this. Allowing them to know nothing about me.

All the while saying that I have forgiven them and do not seek vengeance.

I have forgiven them. Restoring relationships is a much bigger task; one that requires participation and change of all involved.

Restoration is absolutely terrifying for me, I'll be honest. My mother is the only one who has shown a desire. She has asked me if I'd go with her to some counseling sessions, to which I've agreed. However, now I will leave it to her to follow through with making it happen. In the mean time, I am going to pray fervently through my desire to shut them out. Restoration can never happen if I am unwilling to take a step towards them.

Besides, what will it hurt for my mother to get a glimpse into our lives through my blog? It may be salve for her soul to feel a connection to her daughter and grandchildren. It might also be the place where she has a little daily infusion of God into her life... there are generally a lot of references to Him on our blog!

Vengeance is a bad thing. It has taken a great deal of effort and emotion to follow through with my vengeance. It is time to give it up and allow God to do His job of protecting and healing. Enough of taking this matter into my own hands.

"Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, 'VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY,' says the Lord." Romans 12:19

Holiday intruder

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. An American holiday typically celebrated by gathering with one's extended family and feeling immensely thankful and joyful. At least that's what everyone says they are doing. And what I really wish I was doing...

The problem is that I get distracted by certain circumstances and allow them to suck part of the joy out of the gathering part of the day. The time when we're with extended family, but it's not mine.

It is very easy for me to prattle off an extensive list of all the things I'm thankful for. Truly, God has blessed me in ways I never imagined possible. Ways that I can scarcely put words to. He has given me new life here on earth, a husband and children, wonderful friends, a church family, financial stability, a fantastic community in which to live... and eternal life. I am deeply blessed and deeply grateful.

But the loneliness that comes with not being with my extended family on Thanksgiving is a heavy burden. It has lessened over the years, but the anguish rears it's ugly head at some point every year. It hit today.

I stumbled upon this a little while ago...

"Talk to God about whatever may be pressuring you and then commit the entire matter into His hands...Acquaint Him with it; yes, even burden Him with it, and you will have put the concerns and cares of the matter behind you. From that point forward, exercise quiet, sweet diligence in your work, recognizing your dependence on Him to carry the matter for you. Commit your cares and yourself with them, as one burden, to your God."

-Streams in the Desert

I am alone right now - for the first time since 5:55am. I am headed upstairs for some quiet time with my Heavenly Father. Let's see how I do at committing my cares and myself to Him this Thanksgiving. Sometimes I hand things over to Him and then take them back.

I am going to leave you with Psalm 37:5, but I encourage you to get out your Bible and meditate on all of Psalm 37. That's where I'm headed right now!

"Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust Him and He will help you." Psalm 37:5

Good night, friends. And may you be blessed this Thanksgiving and always.

Unit 6 Lesson 2, A Further Look at Shame

Webster's dictionary defines shame as "a painful emotion excited by a consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety; disgrace, dishonor." The Hebrew concept of disgrace includes the idea of being uncovered physically, particularly the genital area; it can also refer to having one's plans and expectations frustrated or disappointed. Both definitions apply to the effects of sexual abuse.

Any form of sexual molestation, rape or abuse transfers to the victim the disgrace of the abuser. Sexual abuse creates shame in the victim. Often when victims tell about their abuse, their listeners add to the feeling of shame because the listeners have distorted the ideas about abuse. They say things like: "Why didn't you do something?" "I knew someone had you before we got married!" "You coulda done something!" "It went on so long, you must have gotten something out of it." You need to protect yourself as much as possible from such responses. You may need to review Unit 1 which contains materials to help you educate listeners.

Shame is a natural response to feeling uncovered or exposed. During the abuse your body was probably uncovered, but there was also the uncovering of your mind. Your sense of innocence was destroyed and the trust was lost. Innocence and trust must be restored. Survivors of abuse are left with frustrated hopes and plans. Dreams for having a healthy relationship with a father, a mate, a mother, a brother, or a child have been demolished. The abuse leaves victims believing that they are insignificant, of no account, no good. As you become aware of and overcome shame messages, these messages will have less power over you.

In your journal, write the following statements three times.

I am significant.
I do count.
I am worthwhile.

This exercise may feel uncomfortable at first but eventually you will be able to feel significant, that you do count, and that you are worthwhile.

The Message of the Abuser

The deliverer of the first of these messages is the person who abused you who says, "What I want goes, and what is best for you is of no concern to me." These and all other messages that convey worthlessness are shame messages. You must begin the difficult work of identifying the shame messages from the persons who abused you and the person who aided them by ignoring or covering up their actions.

And adult female victim tells her story of abuse. "I was eight years old when the abuse stopped. I'm not sure when it started. It stopped because my mom and stepdad got a divorce. I never fought, I never did anything when he would hold me close to him. I never did anything when he touched me except freeze and hope it would be over soon. I just felt bad. From the way people looked at me, I was sure everyone knew, and it made me feel guilty and useless. It happened again later with my stepmother, when I was a teenager. She said she was putting medicine on me. I would look away, down at the floor, sighing in hopes that she would stop touching me.

"I didn't know how to stop it. I couldn't tell anyone about my stepmother; it was just too bad. I told a pastor about my stepdad. What a joke that pastor was. He said, "Don't you understand that your stepfather felt lonely and sad during the divorce and all he wanted was some affection?" Well, of course, I agreed. But after that, I felt even more shame than before. I never told anyone else, that is, until now. But I am 48 now, and there are a lot of wasted years. I wish I would have known to tell and to keep telling until I found someone who would listen and believe me."

The wisdom of God can remove the shame imposed by the abuse message. You can learn to speak God's Word about yourself, not the damaging words of the person who abused you.

Read what the apostle Paul wrote about God's message... "We do, however, speak a message of wisdom among the mature, but not the wisdom of this age or of the rulers of this age, who are coming to nothing. No, we speak of God's secret wisdom, a wisdom that has been hidden and that God destined for our glory before time began." 1 Corinthians 2:6-7

What is the purpose God has intended for us according to this passage? God intends His secret wisdom -

To shame us
To makes us feel inadequate
For our good

Learn to believe and give thanks to God. He wants us to experience his goodness, not to expose our shame.

Psalm 139:14 says, "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

How did the psalmist say you were made?

The psalmist says that you were fearfully and wonderfully made. Do not allow us or anyone else to tell you how you feel, but you can learn to challenge your own thinking and thus change your own feelings.

As your own decision to change your thoughts about yourself, write in your journal three times: "I am fearfully and wonderfully made."

God does not intend for you to feel ashamed!

In your journal, write any shame messages that the person or persons who abused you said to you.

For each shame message write a response that declares that these messages are not true!

Suzanne, a victim of date rape, was told by her date that he could tell by the way she was dressed that "she wanted it." He said, "You knew I thought that red dress was sexy." Suzanne had heard others say that he really like her red dress. She did want to look nice for their date, but she did not wear it to seduce him. Red went well with Suzanne's dark hair. When Allen turned down a dark side street, she told him she wanted to go home. She was in an unfamiliar neighborhood, and when he stopped, she was afraid to get out of the car and afraid to stay.

The Message from Your Own Body

A second area of shame has to do with feelings about your body or body parts. Many victims see themselves as fat and ugly. Some purposely get fat or take little care of themselves in order to ward off further abuse. Some focus on a particular body part that they hate. Some are consumed with self-hatred.

In your journal, describe your feelings about your body. Do you particularly feel repulsed by or ashamed of part(s) of your body?

Twelve-year-old Kimberly tells her mother that she hates her body, all except for her breasts. She likes starting to develop, but she feels bad about it for some reason. When Kimberly was raped, her breasts had not yet developed so her abuser did not touch that part of her. Because of this, Kimberly does not feel shame toward her breasts, but she still feels confused. In many victims, sexual abuse develops a self-hate toward their body parts. Some victims have to have certain or all parts of their bodies stimulated - even by their mates.

Verbal Message from Others

A third area of shame can occur even without physical sexual abuse having taken place. Children - and adults, too - can be shamed by statements like, "You can't do anything right," "You're stupid," or "You can't be my child." Being neglected also brings about shame. For example, if no one was ever home for you or cooked a meal for you, or acted as though they didn't want you around, you probably felt insignificant or worthless."

Jesus can transform this hate toward the body or toward the mind, as Pal points out in Romans 12:2.

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind [do not believe the message of shame, but rather God's wisdom]. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will."

This scripture helps us begin to understand that as Christ works healing, the abuse will no longer continue to haunt us.

Write a prayer, asking God to remove feelings of hatred toward your body and to replace them with realistic true feelings about yourself.

You might right something like: "Dear God, I am 40 pounds overweight. I accept that and know I need to change that. I will not feel shame about it anymore. I will stop putting myself down."

If the messages you are receiving produce shame and condemnation, it is a false message. God plans to restore you to the truth. Each memory, each thought, each negative message touched by God's restorative power overcomes the marring effects of sexual abuse. When you allow God to restore your soul from the effects of shame and guilt concerning your abuse, you can begin to embrace what God has already said: you are acceptable (Hebrews 10:14.)

Unit 6 Lesson 1, Letting Go of Shame and Guilt

It's been a while since I blogged a lesson. I have an hour or so before my son wakes up from his nap, so here goes...

Focal passage for this week: "There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Romans 8:1

Memorize it, friends... You are not condemned or guilty. In Christ, there is freedom from the shame you carry! The shame and guilt that are not even yours in the first place!!

Every victim of sexual abuse needs to recover from the shame and the guilt that result from the experience. Shame is the feeling of humiliating disgrace of having been violated. Shame tells you that you are bad. Guilt is the feeling that you did something wrong. You may carry a false sense of guilt caused by the burden of knowing some great offense was committed and the belief that you must be responsible. In the process of recovery, victims must let go of the shame and recognize that both the responsibility and the guilt belong to the person who committed the offense.

Cathy described in a counseling session how ashamed she felt about her body. "It feels dirty. It is dirty! As soon as my Dad would get through with me, I would immediately take a shower, but I could still smell him, and I knew I had done something wrong. I felt bad. I felt guilty, as if someone were watching. I felt evil.

"Believe it or not, my pastor knew something wasn't right with me and my Dad. He turned us in. I mean, turned my Dad in. It stopped, but now it's ten years later and I still feel so much shame. I think I'll be okay and I'll get dressed up and ready to go out. Then suddenly a picture will flash in my mind of his sweaty body on top of mine, and I'll lose it. I'm totally devastated. I feel dirty and evil all over again. Sometimes I think that if I wouldn't have these flashbacks, I wouldn't feel so guilty. The truth is sometimes I feel ashamed for no reason. I feel guilty for just existing."

In your journal, describe the difference between guilt and shame.

Shame is about personhood. It is related to lie #2 in unit 3 - I must be a terrible person for him/her to do this to me! Guilt is about behavior. It is related to lie #1 in unit 3 - It is my fault! Remember John 8:32, "You will know the truth and the truth will set you free." You are not a terrible person and the abuse was not your fault. THE ABUSE IS NOT A REFLECTION ON YOU. IT IS A REFLECTION ON THE ABUSER.

Shame invades both the mind and the body.

First let's look at shame as it appears in the lives of victims. This very painful emotion invades both the mind and body of the victim. It is planted in guilt, nourished by memories and watered by secrecy. "I know you tell me," Cathy continues, "that now that I no longer keep everything inside, I will get better. But it's been a secret for so long, I'm afraid to tell! Listen to me. (She was starting to whisper.) I'll try to tell you everything I can remember, I promise... but not today." Later Cathy does go on to tell her story, again and then again. First she discloses it in individual sessions and then in a sexual abuse support group. For Cathy, and for every victim of sexual abuse, telling the story is one of the most important and necessary events in achieving recovery.

Just like Cathy, you may begin to talk in a whisper as you speak about your experience of abuse. Choosing to tell someone about your abuse is perhaps the most difficult challenge of the entire recovery process. Many of you have been threatened emotionally and physically that you are never to tell a word about what has happened.

Many victims have been shamed into believing that if they tell, terrible things would happen to them or to someone close to them, perhaps their mother or sister. They had to hear such things as, "Everyone will know this is your fault," "Everyone will be mad at you," or "Mother will leave if she finds out." The threatening statements that some survivors have been led to believe go on and on.

Compare your feeling about talking about your abuse with Cathy's feeling. Complete the sentence: "When I talk about it, I..."

whisper
talk faster
hug a pillow
close my eyes
curl up in a ball
other??

What were you told would happen if you shared your story? If you don't remember, describe how you feel about not remembering. What did you think would happen?

In my experience (Leigh's)... My parents divorced 3 1/2 years after I told my mother of the abuse. She never believed me, but divorced my father because my "allegations" had destroyed the family. She took me to see a gynecologist (I was 11) for the purpose of proving that I was a liar. The doctor confirmed a stretched hymen, but not a broken one (which would indicate intercourse, which had never happened). The doctor - unable to say for certain that I'd been sexually abused - recommended counseling for me. So I went for counseling at the county mental health office every week for the next year. After their divorce, my parents continued dating and my sister and I went to visit him often (as if nothing had ever happened). I protested to my mother, but she insisted that I go on visits with him "to protect my sister". Her exact words, although she still did not acknowledge that the abuse actually happened. She also told me that if I made any further "accusations" of abuse, that the state would take me away and send me into foster care where I might be raped every day. "And isn't it better to live at home where you know what you're up against?" Again, her words. So, I went to counseling that year, and every year thereafter, and never once told of the ongoing abuse. I was threatened into silence. Scared. Abandoned. Rejected. Helpless.

Back to the study guide... Talking about the abuse is difficult for all survivors. It may be more difficult for some than for others. Each survivor remembers as much as he or she needs to at each point along the recovery journey. Let God put each memory in its place and in its proper time. Remember to let yourself be "where you are". Seek to accept yourself as a person in process. You are growing and changing. Give yourself time. Comparing yourself in a negative way to others will hinder your recovery.

Assignment for the lesson:

Write your own paraphrase of Romans 8:1. What does this verse mean to you?

Why does God allow bad things to happen?

Reader's email:
I just read your post about Tamar. I have always wondered why God allowed that to happen.

My response:
Many people wonder why God allows bad things to happen... I believe that it's not so much that He allows bad things to happen, but that He allows all people the freedom to choose what they're going to do with their lives. His desire more than anything is for us to love Him, and second to love one another. But it must be a choice, otherwise we're all just robots that He controls. With the ability to choose to love Him (and others), we have the ability to reject Him (and others). It is through the human's rejection that others are so frequently hurt.

My parents chose to reject God... and me. As a child, I prayed earnestly that God would make my parents stop abusing me. But MAKING them stop would have been controlling. He is not a God who wants to control us. He wants us to love him so deeply that we choose to obey and respect Him. If my parents had made that decision, they never would have laid an evil hand on me.

It is true that not one person who lived in my home cared about my safety and well-being. In fact, no one in my extended family cared either. However, God placed many loving and trustworthy people in my life over the years. While my parents sinned against Him and against me, the Lord still provided for my needs. And, time and again, I see the amazing glory that He brings from the abuse I endured. I absolutely do not believe that it was God's will for me to be abused (or for Tamar to be raped), but I know that He can bring some serious beauty from ashes.

I believe with all my heart that God wanted for my parents to love Him and to love me. I believe the bottom line is that God does not force His will onto us (my parents, Tamar's brother, etc.). I believe that His will was absolutely to answer each of my prayers but He allows us free will in order that we will choose to love Him. Choosing to love him is what leads to truly loving one another.

"To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for his own glory." Isaiah 61:3

To be known

I recently heard someone say: "I am wondering if the deepest desire of human beings might be to be known. Not known in the sense of notoriety, but known for who we are at our best and at our worst, known and loved, known and remembered. Perhaps this is what makes being alone so hard sometimes, that we are not sure that we are remembered when we are not present with others."

I actually think about this quite often... Because of my abusive childhood and my family members' continued dysfunction, I am estranged from nearly every member of my natural family. To be in relationships with them, is to continue to be abused (because they have made no efforts to heal and change). However, not being in relationships with them leads to a feeling of being unknown. There is really no one in my life today who has known me "forever". I do not have a rich, share-the-same-bedroom / I-know-all-your-secrets, lifetime of history with anyone. My first 26 years are sort of non-existent because no one "knew me when".

I am regularly driven by a strong desire to be known. Deeply known. As a mom, I am particularly concerned with my children knowing me. If my husband and I were to pass away when our children are still very young, who would be there to tell our boys who their mother was? Not my family - the people who should know me.

I live life every day being intentionally vulnerable, transparent and forthcoming with my husband, our children, my in-laws, and our friends. Should something happen to me, I do not want to be a mystery. I want to leave a lasting impression on those around me -- not in terms of popularity, but impact. I want knowing me to be a blessing. And complete. I do not want people to say, "She was really nice, but so guarded that it was really hard to know her." I want there to be substance, and for everyone I love to know exactly what that substance is.

I'm sure being known is a desire for all human beings, but I suspect that it's a deep longing for those who've been abused and know that feeling of being invisible, unloved, unworthy... Alone.

I will continue to live a life of authenticity, while also celebrating the knowledge that my Heavenly Father knows every hair on my head! He knows my thoughts before I think them. He knows my heart. He weeps for my pain. Should something happen to me, I believe that He will prepare the way for my husband and children. I trust that they will never feel as if they didn't know me. I am comforted by the way my Heavenly Father loves me, calms my fears, and holds every one of us in his tender arms. Always.

Psalm 139 perfectly describes just how intimately God knows and loves us.

O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

-Psalm 139:1-18

Unit 5 Lesson 5, A Biblical Example

God speaks the truth even when it is ugly. The Bible records examples of sexual abuse and family dysfunction. Amnon, one of King David's sons, sexually abused his half-sister Tamar. He pretended to be ill to lure Tamar into his room: "He took hold of her and said to her, 'Come, lie with me, my sister.' But she answered him, "Don't, my brother. Don't force me. Such a thing should not be done in Israel! Don't do this wicked thing.' ... But he refused to listen to her, and since he was stronger than she, he raped her." (2 Samuel 13:11-14)

Tamar reported the incident to one of her other brothers, Absalom. Here was Absalom's response: "Be quiet now, my sister; he is your brother. Don't take this thing to heart." And Tamar lived in her brother Absalom's house, a desolate woman." 2 Samuel 13:20

It seems that the pattern was no different for a dysfunctional family in biblical times than for a family in the present. The problem for victims is also the same - when they remain silent, the become desolate. Discussing your abuse does not mean getting up in church or another public place and announcing to everyone that you have been sexually abused. It does mean that you need to tell your story in a safe, supportive environment.

Sometimes recognizing a safe place to tell your story can be very difficult. Take some time to write in your journal about the image or description of a safe, supportive environment for you.

You might have described a place where you can talk, cry, never run out of tissue and never be judged... You deserve a place of rest, peace and relationships to cushion the harsh reality of abuse.

When Samuel said that Tamar remained in her brother's house and was desolate, he was saying she was forlorn and lonely, without friends or hope. Abuse so often leaves the victim without deep friendships and without hope. Often the victim is forced into isolation, feeling friendless and in great despair.

Do you identify with Tamar? If you have felt isolated and in despair, describe your feelings in your journal.

Read the entire story of Tamar in 2 Samuel 13:1-20 in your Bible. (If you do not have a Bible, you can look the scripture up on www.biblegateway.com.) After you have read the entire story, respond to the following learning activities based on the characters in the story.

What kind of attitude about himself and human sexuality do you see reflected in Amnon's frustration over the situation with Tamar? Note all that apply:

• He was self-centered, only interested in what he could do to her.
• He considered Tamar as an object, not as a person.
• He was angry because he was used to getting his way.
• His idea of sexuality had nothing to do with emotional intimacy or genuine love.
• Other
  

You could have chosen any or all of the responses. Next Amnon followed the evil advice of his friend Jonadab. Amnon planned and prepared to rape Tamar. He pretended to be ill and asked David, who was his father and his half-sister Tamar's father, to send Tamar to care for him.

Read the following scripture:

So Amnon lay down and pretended to be ill. When the king came to see him, Amnon said to him, "I would like my sister Tamar to come and make some special bread in my sight, so I may eat from her hand." David sent word to Tamar at the palace: "Go to the house of your brother Amnon and prepare some food for him." 2 Samuel 13:6-7

Not only did Amnon plan to rape Tamar, his father unknowingly but directly contributed to the rape. How do you think Tamar might have felt towards her father as a result?

• Betrayed, "He set me up for this."
• Angry, "This is his fault!"
• Frightened, "I don't dare tell my father what happened."
• Bewildered, "What can I do?"
• Other

Journal about your feelings about David in the story.

Remember that Tamar was not objectively reading these words on paper. She was experiencing the hurt and shame of sexual abuse. Whether or not Davide understood the consequences of his actions, the fact is that he contributed to her sexual abuse, and he did nothing to correct the situation after the rape. Tamar certainly could have felt all of the feelings above and more.

Next notice in verse 15 that after the rape Amnon hated Tamar. He increased the violation by blaming her and sending her away. Still worse he called a servant - thereby assuring that others would blame her - and he had Tamar thrown out of the house.

Remember that you are not responsible for any part of the behavior of a person who abused you. Do not use this activity to excuse or to blame but simply to understand. Describe why you think Amnon suddenly hated Tamar.

We cannot know another person's thoughts or motivations but one explanation seems probable. Amnon knew that what he had done was wrong. Rather than accept responsibility for himself, he shifted the blame to Tamar.

Have you experienced someone treating you like Amnon treated Tamar - first sexually abusing you and then blaming you for the abuse. If yes, describe how it felt to be blamed.

The next injury for Tamar resulted after the rape. She went to her brother Absalom. Absalom's response was typical of many family members of sexual abuse victims. The messages that Absalom sent to his sister were: "Keep the secret. Don't let anybody know about the family trouble. Don't shame the family by talking about this."

"Be quiet now, my sister; he is your brother. Don't take this thing to heart." 2 Samuel 13:20

Write what you would like to say to Tamar instead of the dysfunctional message she received from her family.

As survivors of sexual abuse ourselves, we would all like to tell her that she was not to blame and that she needed and deserved to talk about her feelings with safe people.

Spend a few minutes in prayer. If you can, thank God for providing a safe place for you to openly share your experiences. Thank Him for recording the story of Tamar in scripture so that you would know that you are not alone in the betrayal of sexual abuse Honestly share your feelings with God. He will not respond as many people do. He will not say, "Don't take it to heart." God will listen and will patiently walk with you toward healing.

Working through these family issues is painful and will probably continue to be so for a while. If you feel desolate, betrayed and alone, reach out to someone who can help you. Find a support group in your area, stay plugged in to this blog, and/or meet with a counselor - even when it seems more difficult to work toward healing than to stay away. You need the support, and God wants you to overcome this tragedy in your life. God intends for you to walk in joy and peace, free from guilt and condemnation.

*******************

Next week we will begin Unit 6 Lesson 1, Letting Go of Shame and Guilt. I continue to pray daily for each and every one of you. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your recovery. Many blessings to you. Enjoy the long holiday weekend!

A gift?

This post is about something I have struggled a great deal with since Friday. Realistically, I know that this is not that big of a deal and that what I am experiencing is very common for people from all walks of life, but I have found shame and failure in it. Primarily because I took a firm stand (with hands on my hips and an angry red face) years ago that I would be nothing like my mother, and I have made considerable efforts to stay on top of my mental health. My mother suffers from a range of mental illnesses and most of the time she uses them as an excuse for why she allowed my abuse to happen. This is hard to explain in a single sentence, so bear with me... One minute she is very lucid and mature, but every time a conversation leads to her being responsible for something that's gone wrong, she manipulates things and makes it all about how wounded she is and how every bad decision she's made is not her responsibility.

So... I saw a doctor last Friday for tightening of the chest, difficulty breathing and dizziness. I've had these "episodes" a few times a month for the last couple of years, but they've always subsided after 30 seconds or so. I was never concerned about them... But in the last couple of weeks they have come much more regularly and an episode on Friday lasted for 15 minutes. To rule out anything serious, I went straight to the doctor. After a perfect EKG and chest x-ray, the doctor gently delivered the news that it's possible that I'm suffering from panic attacks. "They can run in families" she says, without even knowing about my mom's medical/mental history.

I was immediately brought to a place of shame and failure when I heard those words. I managed to remain stoic in her office, but I was crumbling inside. I've been on a mission for good mental health since I was a kid!

It was so confusing too. I can honestly say that I could not be happier and there isn't anything going on that I am worried, anxious or stressed about. Why these panic attacks? The doctor explained that they can come from nowhere and be for no apparent reason; that people who are not depressed or stressed can get them. This news makes me feel out of control, and I do not like that feeling one bit.

I don't really know what to make of it all. If you'd have asked me a month ago, I could have given you a list of a few major things that were on my mind - school starting, my three year old possibly having cancer, having two of my friends lose a child, adjusting to my husband's new work schedule... But I wasn't having increased "episodes" when all that was going on. That would at least make some sense!

So, when I got home from the doctor's office I read about Panic Attacks on the Mayo Clinic website. There I read that people who were sexually abused have a higher tendency to suffer from panic attacks. So, in addition to being upset over "becoming like my mom" (her first mental health issues that I knew of were panic attacks), I was furious to read that they could be linked to the abuse I suffered as a child. How could he take this away from me too? It made me angry to think that, after all the progress I've made in my recovery, these panic attacks could have something to do with the abuse. (But, possibly not - I don't think we'll ever know.)

As I have processed this over the last several days, my anxiety over the whole thing has decreased a great deal. I understand that, if these are indeed panic attacks, it doesn't mean that I will spiral out of control and experience every other mental illness that my mother has. It doesn't mean I'm going to start making an enormous amount of decisions that devastate the lives of everyone around me. I am not a ticking time bomb.

And even as I sit here and type, I am wondering about something I read on another blog. JMom writes about the bags God packs for us... She says that "Some things bring groans and others bring grins... but all are gifts from a loving Father." Is this a gift? I really like that idea... I'm a silver-lining kind of girl (after I get past the shock and horror), so I'm wondering right now how this could be a gift. Off the top of my head - maybe being humbled by my plan not "succeeding" (perfect, unfailing, always-on-the-top-of-my-game mental status) will grow my understanding and compassion for people with mental illness. Maybe it will grow my compassion for my own mother and bring another layer of healing. The possibilities are endless, as He is God and I'm just me...

'"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD.' Isaiah 55:8

Rather than stay all bent out of shape over the situation, I am choosing to embrace this idea of it being a "gift from our Loving Father". I wonder how He'll use it.

I'm ba-a-ck!

School restarted last week. My oldest son is now a kindergartner! Hard to believe; but we are so excited. My younger son had his 3rd birthday over the summer, but sometimes it's hard to tell if he's 3 or 13. Both of the boys have matured a great deal over the last several months and we can clearly see that we are headed into a new season in their lives. Many more friends, sports, school activities, homework... And with their transition into a new season, a new season begins for Mom. I am the mother of a school kid! His activities are mine, so now I'm trying to figure out what a school mom's schedule looks like!

I have yet to determine when my blogging will fit into my day, but I'm quite certain it finally will. Probably not everyday like I'd like (my little one doesn't nap anymore!), but my goal is to spend time here consistently. Thanks so much for your patience. I covet the sweet comments and emails that you have sent during my absence from the blog. You have been such an encouragement to me. I am eager to share more of my life with you.

My next post will be within the next couple of days... I will jump head-first back in where we left off. Unit 5 Lesson 5, A Biblical Example (of sexual abuse and a family's response).

Soooo looking forward to being back!

Long time no talk (to Mom)

When I looked at the date of my last post, I about fell over. I wish I could blog here every day or so, but time is just not in my favor right now. My husband is still working very long days, at least six days a week, and the kids are out of school and keeping me running. I look forward to a slower pace and a return to a more desirable "normal"... and a return to this blog and my friends here!

I was talking with my oldest son the other day about his favorite family activities that stand out in his memory. So many of the things he spouted off were things I never experienced myself as a child. I am so very happy that my children have so much more than I did, but there's still that slight pang of sadness over my lost childhood. As I thought about that for a few minutes, I began to wonder when I'd last spoken with my mother. It was before my birthday, before Mother's Day, before my wedding anniversary (I don't even think she knows when that is)... Honestly, I think it was Christmas. And that was a terrible discussion; the call ended badly. As it sunk in that I haven't spoken with my mother in six months, I began to feel sad and even a little guilty for "not trying hard enough".

I'm sharing this with you because I know this is an all-too-common experience for those of us who are estranged from abusive family members. It is natural - God-designed - that we would desire relationships with our families. What is not natural - not God-designed - is for family members to abuse children and for those children to grow up having to protect themselves from the very people who are supposed to love and protect them.

I do not imagine that I will ever "get over" the estrangement from my family. I will always miss the idea of them. I even miss them to a certain degree. However, one thing that I am NOT is guilty! That is Satan trying to lure me into something that is not true. I am not guilty. I am the innocent survivor of sexual abuse who has been left with no choice but to distance myself and my family to ensure our physical and emotional safety. It is sad that I only talk to my mother by phone a few times a year, and possibly see her once or twice a year. It is sad that as my children get older, they have more questions and put more of the pieces together. They are beginning to realize that my mother is not a safe person for us to be around. Part of me wants to shield my mother from this realization, but that is not my job. My job is, in fact, to do just the opposite. My job is to shield my children from dangerous situations, and that requires informing them that being alone with my mother could be dangerous. This absolutely was not God's design; rather it was my parents' decisions that led us here. As I tread these waters, I lean on Him to lead the way. As each question pops out of my children's mouths, God provides the words for me to answer them. As I mourn the loss of my earthly mother, I am deeply touched and grateful for the perfect and unending love of my Heavenly Father. I praise God for the salvation and restoration found only in Him.

Unit 5 Lesson 4, Believing the Truth

As you recover you may be surprised to find that some family members may also pursue recovery from their former behavior patterns. If this happens, you may for the first time be able to establish functional and loving relationships with them.

Even so, you need to allow God to become your closest family. You don't have to give up your biological family, but you need to place God at the center of your life. He is the one who will never let you down or abuse you. You an allow God to replace your feelings of unworthiness with His truth about your worthiness. Your hopelessness can be replaced with hope in Christ and your profound feelings of inadequacy with the adequacy found in Him.

Search for Significance explains four common false beliefs created and maintained in part by dysfunctional families. The victim of sexual abuse is almost certain to hold as truths these false beliefs. These false beliefs will create guilt, a false sense of responsibility, low self-worth, and a host of other issues for the victim.

One of these beliefs is: I must meet certain standards in order to feel good about myself. Whatever standards you have set are in part based on the messages you heard as you were growing up. The false belief blocks you from realizing that you already are fully pleasing to God. No matter how intense, perfect or successful you become, meeting falsely motivated standards will not bring you the peace you desire. The fact that you were sexually abused does not have to keep you from feeling good about yourself.

In your journal, describe at least one standard you have held that may be blocking your journey to recovery. As yourself, "What do I think I must do to be a good person?"

Jacque thought that she could never let anyone know she felt inadequate or afraid. Regardless of her accomplishments she never felt adequate because something always remained that she didn't know or understand. Her ability to admit she needed help blocked her recovery.

I must have others' approval is another of the false messages families transmit. This belief will lead you to become consumed with pleasing others at any cost. As a result, the fear of rejection or disapproval can overwhelm you. Even if others disapprove because you have chosen to talk about the abuse, you can feel good about yourself. You do not have to have their approval.

Have you ever experienced or feared the disapproval of friends or family members becuase of how you are choosing to recover?

If so, how are you reacting to them? Do you need to let go of the need to have their approval? What is their approval costing you?

Your recovery may require that you suffer the disapproval of some significant others. Some people will not understnad that you need to tell your secret so that you can heal.

The third negative message is: Because I have failed, I am unworthy and deserve to be punished. If someone else doesn't punish us, we will punish ourselves. This sense of unworthiness must be recognized for what it is - false shame and guilt.

Do you continue to hold to any feeling that you are unworthy, or deserve to be punished because of your abuse? If so, describe your feelings.


You may already have overcome this roadblock to recofvery. Romans 8:1-2 speaks powerfully to those of us who struggle with the feeling that we are unworthy and deserve to be punished.

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Jesus Christ the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death." Romans 8:1-2

As you read this scripture, journal the prhrases that you nee dot believe and accept about yourself.

Take a few minutes to pray; asking God to help you let go of the feeling of unworthiness. Write your prayer in your journal. Ask Him to help you believe that you will be free of this feeling of condemnation.

The last of the four false beliefs is: I am what I am; I cannot change; I am hopeless. The family in darkness places the victim in an environment that teaches helplessness.

Every survivor at times feels hopeless. How did you learn hopelessness from your family?

What gives you hope now?

Hope comes from many places. A support group, family and friends, a counselor - all of these can provide the hope that you need. Re-read what you have written in your journal so far... What have you learned and where have you grown? The greatest source of hope is God who sacrificed Himself for you and promised that he would never leave you.

To recap, the four false messages are:

1. I must meet certain standards in order to feel good about myself.
2. I must have others' approval to feel good about myself.
3. Because I have failed, I am unworthy and deserve to be punished.
4. I am what I am; I cannot change; I am hopeless.

Describe in your jounal all the ways that these false messages have blocked your recovery in the past.

Recovery on your own:

Sometimes we must realize that our families will not join us in the recovery process. We may have to recover on our won with the help of a support system that we create.

Jean is the oldest of six children, very anxious, and an alcoholic. Her father started sexually abusing her when she was very young. By the time she was 10, they were having intercourse. She consistently made protests to her mother, bu ther mother only replied, "What can I do?" Jean's mother was jealous of her daughter and her husband. As Jean began to recognize her mother's jealously, she used it against both parents. By age 16, she couldn't stand the situation any longer, ran away, and never returned.

Jean's mother still resents her. She really doesn't try to have a relationship with Jean's father, with Jean, or with Jean's daughter. Jean's father, on the other hand, wants everything to be okay. He wants Jean to forget the past. Jean is working through recovery. Although it would be extremely helpful if her family would also enter recovery, Jean is beginning to realize that her dysfunctional mother and father are unwilling to do the same. She is accepting the fact that she must continue in recovery on her own. She can no longer look to them to change so that she will feel better.

If your family chooses not to pursue recovery from dysfunctional behavior, how does that affect your recovery?

If you family chooses not to pursue recovery - and many make that choice - you will need to find ways to seek support and strength from significant other people. You may need to establish emotional, psychological, and maybe even physical boundaries to protect yourself if your family is abusive.

**************************************

I have found that dealing with family matters is generally pretty complicated. Our love for them, and desire to be loved by them, is natural. That is how God designed us. In my own life, I occasionally struggle with sadness and grief over the lost familial relationships. I also second guess myself sometimes; thinking, "Have I just not been merciful enough? Do I need to try one more time to establish a relationship?"

This lesson speaks into my life a great deal. I do not need their approval. I do not need their permission to talk about the abuse and to heal from it. It would be ideal if the entire family would seek recovery, but it is not required in order for ME to seek recovery.

My seeking recovery and advocating for victims of abuse, has come at a high price. Because of my decision to no longer live in fear, pain and isolation, I am estranged from pretty much my entire family. I have no paternal side, so the decision to risk losing my maternal side as well was a very difficult one. If I could have healthy relationships with them, I'd take them in a heart beat! But, as long as what is being offered is unhealthy and unsafe, I choose to keep my distance and break this cycle of dysfunction for myself, my husband and our children. This was not God's design at all - for families to be broken - but God's design cannot be lived out in situations of gross darkness. I would rather live in His righteousness and peace. After all, God truly is my Father; the family from which I will never be separated.

"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me."
Philippians 4:13

"A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families, he leads forth the prisoners with singing; but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land."

Psalm 68:5-6

Long time no talk...

I only have a few minutes before rushing off to the next activity, but I wanted to let you know that I think of you, this blog and this much needed ministry several times everyday. I wish that things were not so hectic and unpredictable for my family (rendering me unavailable to write as often as I'd like), but that is the season we are in right now. My husband is working more hours than we have ever worked before and I have picked up the responsibilities around the home and with the kids. We are very busy with sports, school, church, etc... We are so very grateful for God's provision in terms of my husband's job. At a time when many people are losing their jobs, my husband is staying very busy and getting paid for every minute of it. But we miss "normal" life and look forward to being able to get back to a slower pace, more time together and more time to serve the ministry that we love.

I continue to pray for you. As you wait (patiently, I hope) for the next blog entry, I encourage you to re-read some of the older lessons and allow God to continue growing you in those areas. I will write as often as possible. I so look forward to picking up where we left off!

Many blessings to you.

Unit 5 Lesson 3, Dysfunctional Family Part 3

In this lesson you will examine more characteristics of a dysfunctional family. The purpose is not to assign blame or even to determine if your family was dysfunctional. The purpose is to understand how your past affects your recovery.

4. A dysfunctional family does not teach effective living skills to the children.

A healthy family provides an environment that allows children to grow according to their own developmental needs. Children then learn to love themselves and others and to trust that the world can be a friendly place. A child needs a fairly consistent and stable environment.

An example of the dysfunctional family is one that never stays the same. Some victims of sexual abuse report living in more than one family, perhaps first with mother and father and next with grandmother and grandfather. Cindy shares that in her childhood she attended 19 different schools, including five during her high school years.

"I lived with my mother, my grandmother, my mother and stepfathers, my sister's father, and with several other family systems. Each on presented different issues that I had to work through as a part of my recovery. I had to deal with emotional abuse, chaos, and the aftermath of my sexual abuse, all of which made me think that I was profoundly inadequate as a person, since I was unable to alter or control what was happening. The lesson I learned from all of this was that I could do nothing about my life. No matter what I tried to change, it didn't work. No matter what I did to bring order, chaos always resulted. I could not make sense out of chaos.

I carried the outside shame of moving so many times an the inside shame of sexual abuse. When I left for school in the morning, I didn't know if things would be the same when I got home. I trusted no one because if outsiders knew my story, my pain would be worse. I not only acted toward others as if I didn't care, I began to shut down so I wouldn't care. I would say to myself, "Only breathing matters, and I am breathing." But, of course, breathing is not all there is to living. Also, several of the people in my care were alcoholics, which added to my confusion and lowered my self-worth."

Each family system teaches us something very deep about ourselves, and that message is not always positive. The sexual abuse and the chaos in Cindy's family taught her that she was profoundly inadequate. But she also experienced positive learning. Her mother said again and again, "Don't do as I have done, I've done it all wrong. You can do it better."

Cindy says, "She taught me that I was smart, that I could do it. She taught me that a better way existed. She didn't know that better way, but she taught me that if I searched diligently enough, I could find that better way of living. She was right. I found it with God."

Appropriate touch: a living skill

Building a healthy self-image in a recovering sexual abuse victim requires daily reinforcement in terms that demonstrate that person's value. We all need positive statements and healthy physical contact. God created us to give and receive healthy physical love, such as hugging, holding hands, and kissing. Unfortunately sometimes in a dysfunctional family the only touches we may have experienced were bad touches. The result is extremely confusing.

If you wanted to be held but the only time you received physical attention was during abuse, you may have felt guilty. This is a double tragedy. However, you can begin to understand that you were not wrong for having basic human needs. God intended for you to have these needs met in a healthy manner.

In your journal, answer these questions...

What role did touch play in your family of origin?

Describe how you react when you are touched by someone now?

Touch has to do with personal power and control. If you were touched when you didn't want to be and not touched when you did, you may have a difficult time accepting touch. You may not even know what is appropriate or inappropriate touch. Survivors are often re-victimized because they are not aware that they can say no to touch.

5. A dysfunctional family squeezes the members into rigid, inappropriate roles.

Children in dysfunctional families develop survival roles. These role are either assigned by the family or unconsciously chosen by the child.

Some examples of survival roles include:

• Scapegoat - usually blamed for the family problems
• Hero - works hard to bring respect to the family name
• Surrogate spouse - often takes the place of the emotionally absent spouse and becomes the child counselor for a troubled adult parent
• Lost child - never gets in the way or causes trouble because this family already has enough problems
• Surrogate parent - takes over responsibility of parenting tasks
• Clown - avoids the pain by being the center of attention

In the list above, note any of the roles that would describe your behavior in your family. Your role may have changed over the years as the family changed.

What effect did your role(s) in the family have upon how you coped with sexual abuse?

Can you identify roles that other played? What was the effect of their role on your feelings and behavior?

How do you feel after identifying your family role/roles? (Sad, lonely, ashamed, angry, afraid, guilty, other?)

M.J. describes how her sister was assigned the role of surrogate mother. "All my life I would remember how my sister and I were best friends, how she was always there for me. I would remember how she cooked for me. She dressed me in the mornings for school. She loved me." M.J.'s sister was in the role of parental child.

Sometimes in situations like M.J.'s, the child develops a fantasy bond with the sibling that is the surrogate parent. "I couldn't understand why, now that we are adults, my sister has never come to see me. I was always the one who went to her house. I always called her on the phone.

It took me a long time, but I finally realized that it was all make-believe. This 'bonding' was a way I had learned to cope in my loneliness as a child. My mother had made my sister take care of me. I realize now that she didn't even want to. As my sister and I sat on the porch holding hands, I would fantasize that she loved me. This love, this relationship, was only in my mind; it never really existed. The reason she never called now was because she didn't want to. She never came to my house because she didn't want to."

You may need to seek God's wisdom to become aware of fantasy bonding. We urge you to do so, for this knowledge can set you on the path to have real relationships with these relatives. Even if they are not what you thought or even what you wanted, they will be authentic relationships that you can understand and predict. Your efforts may even lead to loving and intimate relationships, if your relatives are willing to consider honestly all the factors affecting your former situation.

Describe in detail any fantasy bonding you may have with family members.

Sometimes survivors of sexual abuse have difficulty letting go of the feeling of responsibility for the abuse. They cling to a fantasy bond to the abuser or another family member who could have protected them.

Have you continued to accept responsibility rather than face the truth that your bond to one or more family member is a fantasy? Describe your experience.

As you process what you have just read, continue to keep in mind what is written in Isaiah 54:4 "You will forget the shame of your youth." Recovery is hard work, but I promise you that replacing the shame is exactly what God can and will do in your life.

As you grieve the fractured relationships in your life, know that "the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18. That is such a life-giving verse for me.

I continue to pray for each of you daily.

Unit 5 Lesson 2, Dysfunctional Family Part 2

In this lesson we will study more characteristics of a dysfunctional family. As you better understand your family, you will better understand yourself and your reactions.

3. A dysfunctional family has either repressed emotions, explosive emotions, or both.

A healthy family both permits and models how to express emotions. Children learn how to identify and deal with their feelings. In a dysfunctional family certain or all emotions are forbidden. Many families transmit messages that say, "Don't express your feelings. Don't cry. Don't get upset. Don't get angry. Don't betray the family. Don't ever tell outsiders about the family secrets." These messages, as well as ones more directly stated toward you, affect your recovery. You may have been told that you are a failure, or shamed by any number of derogatory statements - all of these are characteristic of a family based in shame. You will be invited to focus on the issue of shame in detail in a later chapter. For the moment, however, evaluate how you learned to feel shame about your feelings and responses in your family.

As a child, did you learn any of these beliefs? Write which ones apply to your family... Good children honor their parents. My parents had their faults, but they loved me. If I say or think bad things about my family, I will betray them. If I say or think bad things about my family, will feel ashamed.

The first two beliefs are positive and healthy. The last two are sick rules that serve tomaintain the secrecy in a dysfunctional family system.

Describe how these beliefs affect your life and your recovery.

Survivors of sexual abuse are sometimes unable to express the feelings necessary for recovery because they learned in their family of origin that feelings were not acceptable. This is especially true if the feelings are negative and if the feelings concern a family member.

Each family member sends us messages about ourselves. The person who sexually abuses says, "You're worthless. You are no good and you are guilty." Sometimes parents send the same message, not by sexual abuse but by their words and attitudes. Maybe a sister told you that you were stupid. Possibly you had a grandfather who said you were special - a badly needed positive reinforcement. You can evaluate the messages that each person who supported and each person who abused gave you. Then you can make wise, godly and informed choices. You can choose to reject false messages!

How do you feel when you talk about the abuse? Scared, disloyal, relief, shame, guilt, other??

How have you responded to or compensated for the way your family expressed feelings?

Bill was taught that good children honor their parents. He did not understand that one way to honor a relationship is to make it real by being honest when situations are painful and difficult. As a result, he was afraid to talk about his abuse. Negative thoughts were bad things in his family so he felt guilty and shame-filled for having normal thoughts and emotions.

As you think about that, how would you like to respond now?

As you process this lesson, continue to pray for yourself and the others who are going through this study with us.

"You will forget the shame of your youth." - Isaiah 54:4

Unit 5 Lesson 1, The Dysfunctional Family Part 1

In all the groups I've led and every woman I've counseled, I have found that every family plays a huge role in one's recovery from sexual abuse. Even if you would not classify your family as "dysfunctional", please do not discount this lesson... Please read it carefully and ask God to clearly show you how your family has impacted your recovery in the past, how they are impacting you today and any changes you may need to make going forward. If you are a family member, please read this with a prayerful spirit, asking the Lord to reveal to you any missteps you've made, to give you the courage and humility to seek forgiveness from the survivor in your life (if necessary), and to show you the next right steps in order for you to lovingly offer support and encouragement as they continue their journey towards recovery. It can be very difficult for a survivor to talk to their family members about how they feel about them, so it is my hope and prayer that this lesson will help family members to understand what is running through the mind and heart of the survivor in their life.

********************************************

Family issues have a tremendous affect on recovery from sexual abuse. In some families, parents or family members may be abusers, while others parents or family members are unaware that the abuse has occurred. In other families the abuse may occur outside the boundaries of the family system. The family may or may not know about the abuse, or may not realize that something has happened to the victim. Whatever your case, with God's help you can understand the role you family played in your sexual abuse and the role they can play in your recovery.

If the father abused an incest victim, the victim must also deal with anger toward the mother. A child molested by an uncle may feel unprotected by both parents. A victim of rape may feel she cannot disclose that fact to her family if the family is emotionally shut down and incapable of giving support. In families where the child is abused by a babysitter, the child, as we would expect, has been told to obey the sitter. Often this victim has a great deal of anger toward both parents; the child believes the parents must know what is happening and therefore they must approve of it.

Many reasons contribute to a family's inability to cope with sexual abuse. No families are perfect and most families lack the tools necessary to weather the storm that sexual abuse creates. How well they survivor the trauma will depend on how well the family has learned ways of functioning as a family. In recent years, counselors have identified the common characteristics of a dysfunctional family. A knowledge of these characteristics helps us to understand sexual abuse and to recover from it.

Dysfunctional family: A family in which some behavior such as alcoholism, drug abuse, divorce, an absent father or mother, excessive anger, or verbal or physical abuse interferes with the ability of the family to do its job effectively.

In most families where sexual abuse occurs, the family clearly is dysfunctional. But this does not mean that all dysfunctional families are sexually abusive. The term dysfunctional is used to express the inability of family members to meet the God-given needs for nurture. These families are unable to communicate their feelings, both positive and negative, in a consistent and caring way. They are unable to respond to the needs of each family member.

Think about your family. In your journal, list all the primary members of the family. What does each individual represent to you? For example, who in your family represents comfort, expectations, abuse, peace, rescuing, neglect, betrayal, etc.? After writing what each individual represents to you, write down your feelings toward each person.

Characteristics of a Dysfunctional Family:

1. Needy family members receive an inappropriate proportion of the family's time, attention, and energy so that members learn to be overly-responsible toward needy people and irresponsible about themselves.
2. A dysfunctional family promotes denial and secrecy.
3. A dysfunctional family has either repressed emotions, explosive emotions or both.
4. A dysfunctional family does not teach effective living skills to the children. Children do not learn to touch, feel or trust. They learn to expect rigidity and emotional or physical abandonment.
5. A dysfunctional family squeezes the members into rigid, inappropriate roles.

As you think about these characteristics, we will begin discussing each one individually. You are encouraged to think about how each one relates to you and your sexual abuse experience.

1. Needy family members receive an inappropriate proportion of the family's time, attention and energy.

An emotionally needy family member may be one who is addicted to alcohol or drugs, or one who demonstrates other obsessive-compulsive behaviors. The energy and attention of the family is directed toward caring for the emotional needs of this family member. As a result, all of the family members become emotionally needy.

Families with addictive family members have an increased potential for sexual abuse. In a family where the focal person is an alcoholic, the unspoken rule in the family may be "Make Dad happy, then maybe he won't get drunk." In a family where there is a rage-aholic, the rule may be "Whatever you do, don't make Mom mad." In a dysfunctional family the family members operate according to these spoken and unspoken rules and not according to personal need.

Can you identify a member of your family who was emotionally needy? What affect did living in the family with this person have on you?

Did a relationship exist between this family member and the way your family dealt with the abuse? If so, describe that relationship.

In my family, the neediest one is my mother. During my entire childhood, she was either in bed severely depressed, drinking, smoking pot, "sick" or taking OTC pills... Or she was unbelievably happy, energetic and active - a completely different person! I would say that our unspoken rule was to not do anything to make her sad (or more sad). I told her once about the sexual abuse and it did not stop. I figured telling her again would only make her sad and upset with Dad, so I just lived with it and did my best to keep from making her any more depressed. I kept my secret for the next 7 1/2 years. When I told her that time (I was 15 1/2), I gave very specific details and she knew I was telling the truth. However, she continued to deny it on most days and minimize it every other day. That pattern continues today (25 years after the first time I told her about it). Additionally, when Mom was in her periods of depression, she would lock herself in her bedroom for days on end. During those times, it was up to me to take care of my younger sister. When my brother still lived at home (and my sister and I were littler) that responsibility fell on him. We were unable to be carefree kids... We were always on-call to step into Mom/housekeeper/cook/helper mode, should she get too sad.

2. A dysfunctional family promotes denial and secrecy

Gretchen describes many bizarre incidents of abuse by her babysitter. Sometimes she had to watch the sitter and her boyfriend have sex. Sometimes the babysitter would fondle Gretchen or would stick straws, pencils and other objects into her vagina or anus. She would tell Gretchen that she was bad and that she was ugly. Gretchen tried many times to tell her mom and dad about the abuse, but they were so busy with their own problems that they didn't seem to care or even pay attention to her. They scolded her for making a fuss about nothing.

Finally, Gretchen screamed and yelled the whole gruesome story. Both parents were shocked. They couldn't believe it. Gretchen had been very irritable, but they never dreamed what was happening while they were gone.

Although Gretchen's parents were supportive of her in general, the abuse had come at a very troubled time for the family. Once aware, however, the parents brought Gretchen to counseling and participated in family counseling as well as individual counseling. In counseling, Gretchen expressed her appropriate anger toward her parents. The parents accepted the responsibility for their seeming lack of interest, selection of the babysitter, and failure to recognize Gretchen's attempts to communicate.

Conflict is a normal part of healthy family living. Healthy families expect problems and have healthy ways of coping with them. Family members talk about issues even though someone may feel embarrassed or hurt. Family members take responsibility for their own behavior. Problems can be discussed and solutions found. In a dysfunctional family the "don't talk" rule keeps the victim of sexual abuse bound in silence, even if the crime is committed by a complete stranger.

Write in your journal about how you family solved problems when you were a child.

Families solve problems in many ways. Healthy families recognize that they have choices. If one method doesn't work, they try another. Unhealthy families often use the same dysfunctional methods over and over. Maybe your family refused to recognize problems. Often the rule is "don't rock the boat." Other dysfunctional families overreact to things so strongly that everyone is afraid to mention a problem or issue.

What effect has you family's method of responding to problems had on your abuse recovery?

Some dysfunctional families look perfectly normal on the surface. The father and mother do most of the things that parents should do. They keep and orderly house, a nice yard, food on the table and clothes in the closets. However, the family may still be dysfunctional because the parents are not emotionally present for their children.

Consider the example of Beatrice, a volunteer for a local rape crisis center. She became a victim herself. She was raped at knife point. The rape occurred one morning when Beatrice, after having breakfast with friends, returned to her apartment. Hearing a knock on her door, she peeked out and saw a man she knew, although not very well. She asked what he wanted. "I need to talk to someone," he said. One rule most crisis center teach is never to open the door under such circumstances. Unfortunately, Beatrice did open the door and was raped. Then she decided she didn't want to press charges.

When asked why she, of all people, didn't press charges, she replied that her parents told her it was her fault for opening the door and if she were to follow through on the charges, it would be an embarrassment for the family. She said it was just like when she tried to tell them about her grandfather. Her body was covered with bruises from the beating he gave her. All her parents could say was, "He didn't mean what he did," and, "What did you do to cause it?"

More of Cindy's story

Cindy shares that even when she was a very young child, she felt she could tell absolutely no one what was happening to her.

"Everyone around me seemed to have so many problems that I knew it would be useless to tell. Besides, I loved my perpetrator. When he would come home from work, I would run out to meet him. Caught in this impossible situation, I chose to keep the abuse to myself and hide from others. I never played with children in the neighborhood. To stay away from everyone seemed the safest choice. Trying to figure out if the people around me were "good" kept me too confused.

"I also remember always feeling sad, dirty, and completely alone. People frightened me. Once I lived in a place where th emothers in the neighborhood tried to be friendly and talk to me. I would run from them, wondering, "What do the want from me?" One in particular would leave me cookies, showing me from a distance that they were at her door, then going back inside her house. When I was sure she wasn't comeing back outside, I would run as fast as I could to get them. I was so afraid and anxious, it seemed like miles down her walkway."

A dysfunctional family keeps the secret of sexual abuse. Other family members may or may not actually know about the abuse but everyone is aware that something is wrong. The family members work together to keep secret the fact that something is wrong, especially from non-family members. Those who are allowed access to the home are screened carefully. The family acts as though all is well and the visitor only sees the performance.

Was your family open to the outside world? Were you free to talk about your family to others?

How does this characteristic relate to your sexual abuse experience?

Many survivors keep their abuse a secret to protect the family from having to deal with the fact that the abuse is occurring. Sometimes they keep the secret because the victim fears that someone will get hurt physically or emotionally or that the family will not survive. The victim will endure the pain of the abuse rather than risk losing the family.

How and what did you do to protect the family?

The focal passage for this unit is from Isaiah 54:4, "Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth."

As I close for today, I want to encourage you to cling to that scripture. What has happened to you is not your fault. You are not to blame. You did nothing to be ashamed of. You are not a disgrace. God is ready, willing and able to rescue you from this mess. Allow Him to do just that.

I am praying for you constantly.

Abandonment

As I was surfing around the Women of Faith website today, I stumbled across a letter someone had written about the conference they'd recently attended. Here's part of her letter: "Marilyn Meberg gave a wonderful talk that gave me chills. She talked about abandonment and that we were created to be connected. There is a disconnect when one is abandoned; a feeling of shame - “Wasn’t I good enough, why did ___ leave me?” She noted that those who have been severely abandoned, especially in childhood, have a need to control others. And an intense need to never talk about that which they are most ashamed of - that something must be wrong with them to cause the other person to abandon them, they must not be worth keeping. The strange thing is, it is only through recognizing those hidden hurts and working through the hurts that one can heal. A couple good verses that pertain to the subject were: Isaiah 41:9 and John 1:12-13."

"I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, 'You are my servant'; I have chosen you and have not rejected you." Isaiah 41:9

"Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, He gave the right to become children of God— children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband's will, but born of God." John 1:12-13

As I read this, I thought of you and your recovery journey. I hope and pray everyday that you are encouraged to continue seeking Him and the wholeness that only He can provide.

Unit 4 Lesson 5, Help from Psalm 23

Another Hebrew word for restore is found in Psalm 23. This is perhaps the most familiar passage in all of Scripture to Christians and non-Christians alike. The Hebrew word for restore in verse three is used in a verb form that means "to cause someone or something to return and to restore someone or something to a former condition." This Scripture can be a powerful part of your restoration. God desires to cause you to return and to restore to you those things that sexual abuse has taken away.

Psalm 23

^"1 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

² He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,

³ he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

⁴ Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death, ^a]">[a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

⁵ You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.

⁶ Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever."

As you think about this scripture, take time to journal about how the Shepherd has ministered to you.

God does restore the soul, mind, feelings and emotions. Often survivors can't relate to God, and especially God the Father, during the early part of their recovery. Psalm 23 can help you to start a new relationship with God. The Shepherd will restore your heart, mind, and soul in spite of the scars that remain. Under Christ's lordship, even the scars can help you to become more compassionate, understanding, and resilient from having successfully survived such abuse.

Take a break right now and pray. Talk to God about how you feel about Him as Father. Share your feelings with Him about Psalm 23 - even if those feelings do not seem acceptable. Ask Him to lead you to restoration and healing.

More about restoration

The Hebrew word for restore found in Joel 2:25 means literally, "to make whole." God promised He would make the people in Joel's day whole after a devastating loss. He is still in the restoring business today. He can restore to you those things that betrayal has taken away. God will restore the time you have lost by making the time you have now more meaningful. Most survivors have had part or all of their childhood stolen. Often when victims survey the past, they cannot see anything that is good.

No human could give back what was taken from you. Only God can do that. If every person who abused you came and asked you for forgiveness, none could give you back the loss that you have experienced. You may feel better, but only God can give a life with meaning and purpose. He can make a beautiful mosaic of the broken pieces of your life.

In the book of Job, Job suffered devastating losses. He lost his wealth, his health, and he suffered the deaths of his children. At the end of the story, God restored Job. Job received far more than he possessed in the beginning. He regained his health, greater weather than before, he even had more children. But Job did not gain his dead children. Satan had caused their deaths, and they were not restored to Job - at least not then.

God can restore you in the same way that He restored Job. You can feel clean again. The love and grace of God can cleanse and replace the feelings of shame and filthiness, and the stain of abuse. Allow God to touch those areas where you need restoration. Life will not return to exactly the way things were before the abuse, but God can give you a life with meaning and purpose. You may even come to the place that you see that God has given you more than the abuse took away.

Does understanding God's process for restoration bring hope into your life? Take some time to journal about that.

I have written several different blog entries about the way God continues to heal and restore my life. Twenty-two years into recovery and I continue to be overwhelmed by his awesome power and concern for me! The authors of our workbook could not be more right when they say that the abusers can apologize and seek our forgiveness, but they cannot restore what they stole from us. Only God can do that. I was quite content to merely have a good amount of peace and happiness in my life, but apparently God was not satisfied with stopping there. He continues to surprise me by healing even the tiniest broken pieces of my life. Nothing gets by God and I'm thoroughly convinced that He will never stop his mighty work of healing me. It is overwhelming and totally humbling... Why does He care so much about every little detail? I believe the answer is because He loves his children.

My apologies

Hi, Friends. I'd been posting several times a week, but the last two weeks my family has been very sick and the blog has fallen by the way-side. We are all on the mend now, so I hope to be posting several times a week again! Thank you for your understanding... I've missed writing for you.

Unit 4 Lesson 4, From Death to Life

Survivors of sexual abuse suffer a mental and emotional death as a result of the abuse. God created you to live in a wholeness of body and soul. Sexual abuse severely damages that ability. Your first need is to have your mind and emotions restored to life and health.

Now that you have started your restoration from sexual abuse, you can understand the biblical pattern of restoration. One of the Hebrew words for restoration means "to live" or to "be restored to life". Restoration from the abuse means to live, perhaps for the first time in your life!

In 2 Kings chapter 4, a Shunamite woman befriended the prophet Elisha, and she and her husband built a room for the prophet of God in their home. Elisha, wanting to do something to thank the woman, prayed that she would conceive a son. The Shunamite woman gave birth to a son the following year. Later in chapter 4, the son (a grown man) died, but God restored him to life. This story vividly demonstrates the principle of restoration. God gives life and even when circumstances cause death, God can restore life. Only God can do this!

God will restore

Sexual abuse causes its own kind of death. Your next step is to begin to risk and to believe that God will restore the life that has been stolen from you. The Shunamite woman appeared again in 2 Kings chapter 8... She had lost all her land holdings due to a famine. She appealed to the king, who had just learned from Elisha's servant that this is the woman whose son had been restored to life. The king then appointed an officer whom he commanded, "Restore all that was hers and all the produce of the field from the day that she left the land even until now" (2 Kings 8:6).

Through the king, God restored what the Shunamite woman had lost. Our caring God is in the restoration business! As you continue to pray, learn, and grow, God can restore you to a life of meaning, purpose and joy. Begin your appeal to the King, Jesus Christ, and allow Him to restore your life.

In your journal, list your dreams and desires that have died because of sexual abuse.

You might have written something along the lines of, "a sense of innocence, the ability to trust again, spontaneity"...

When I did this exercise a year ago, I wrote: "To have a close-knit family. For my kids to have loving relatives. To be able to trust family." As I think about those answers today, I realize that those are actually things I have to contribute to in order to realize them. My "close-knit family/loving relatives" consist of my in-laws (which I chose when I chose my husband) and our friends... And "to be able to trust family" goes back to my choices again -- have I chosen trustworthy people? In order to have these things restored to me, I had to make wise choices and I had to be willing to take a risk on them. I have done both of these things -- and I am overwhelmed by the way these dreams and desires have come true.

One thing that I did not write down as a lost dream or desire a year ago, but today recognize as one is.... I always wanted to be "acceptable" and "well-liked". I certainly wasn't around my house, so I assumed that I wasn't anywhere else either. In the last several months, God has really shown me that that is not true at all! As I have shared before, I have been reconnected with long-lost friends from my childhood and teen years... The memories they are sharing with me are completely repairing the image I have of myself from those days. I am still amazed at how this is even possible - but God is using these old friends to show me that I was never unacceptable or outcast by them.

Do you think the Shunamite woman ever asked "Why me?" or, "If only things could have been different"? Describe any thoughts like these that you may have had, including the circumstances when they occurred.

Your responses may indicate that you are beginning to let yourself feel some grief and loss about the consequences of the abuse. That is good recovery work! Keep it up.

In your journal write your feelings about the losses you have suffered due to sexual abuse.

Isaiah 42:16, "I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them."

God can be trusted, my friends. I continue to pray for you daily.

A renewed youth

I am in the process of putting my life's story into a book and in the last few days, I have been feeling like I need to write as fast as humanly possible... The reason? My memories are changing.

Social networking sites like Facebook and My Space are all the rage. Many of my friends are out there and they talk about it all the time. I was tempted, but I knew there were two reasons I did not want to go there. #1 - A part of me was afraid that no one from my past would even remember me and I'd feel rejected. But I know the truth - I know that I was never invisible and that my memories of the past were horribly clouded by my pained perspective. #2 - In the past I struggled with an overwhelming desire to reject people I was in relationship with before they could reject me. Deep down, when considering these social networking sites, I would think, "But, if I reconnect with an old boyfriend, will that tempt me to ditch my husband if I'm mad at him?" The honest truth is that I can never say that would never happen, but my husband and I take careful measures to ensure that our relationship is what it should be. The bottom line - I was choosing not to participate in this social networking stuff out of fear. As I thought about it, I decided that I wanted to make a conscious decision this time to overcome my fears.

God has honored that... I was blessed right away with renewed relationships with several people from my early childhood and teen years. Some I haven't seen in over twenty years. They have said the nicest things to me and have shared some of the most pleasant memories with me. I had forgotten so much of what they remembered. As I talk with them, they are reconstructing my past - giving me a fresh and pure perspective of innocence, joy, and youth. Those gaps in time that I do not remember at all are being filled now with bike races, days at the pool, slumber parties, birthday parties, Girl Scouts, crushes, camp and homemade pizza. As I discussed this with my friend today, I'd expressed my excitement over getting to finally experience this stuff. It was then that she said, "I'll bet you experienced it then too but just had too much going on at home to keep the fun memories fresh in your mind." I know that she is right. I did experience fun things as a child, but the pain of the abuse quickly diminished the good stuff. But the opposite is happening today... I am remembering all the good stuff and the bad memories are diminishing. It is a crazy, wonderful, amazing thing.

This is the third time I have gone through Shelter From the Storm in the last year. When I started leading groups a year ago I had a pretty good handle on things. However, I do not think I would be discovering this much profound healing if it wasn't for the study and the continued recovery efforts that I am making everyday. I want to encourage you to keep taking your journey into recovery. It is amazing the way God has been faithful to his word; "Who redeems your life from the pit; Who crowns you with lovingkindness and compassion; Who satisfies your years with good things, So that your youth is renewed like the eagle." Psalm 103:4-5

I feel an urgency to write this book quickly. I fear that the youth I want to write about will be all but forgotten before I know it. But my story needs to be shared. I want to share it in its entirety so that other survivors will know that they are not alone. God has laid it on my heart to write it, so I know He will allow the memories, feelings and emotions to be real long enough for me to accomplish His work. But it is coming quickly.. a completely renewed youth.

Unit 4 Lesson 3, The Trouble with Denial

I've mentioned before that it took me a long time to realize the effects that sexual abuse has had on my life. I went to see counselors into my early 20's, but I insisted that the issue I was in for that day was just an issue, not an effect of something from the past. "He hit me because he's a jerk. But I keep coming back to the relationship because he is nicer to me than my parents are." It did not occur to me that I kept coming back to the relationship because the abuse I'd suffered as a child had left me with absolutely no self-worth. When my ex-husband and I started seeing a marriage counselor, I did not agree that my responses to my ex-husband had anything at all to do with what my parents had done to me. I merely had a problem with my ex-husband. "I am fine!" was what I said... and what I believed.

The problem is --- my relationship problems in my teens, early 20's and my first marriage had everything to do with how I'd responded to and coped with my childhood abuse. Without addressing those issues, I could not fix the mistakes I was making that brought on many doomed relationships and ruined others that actually had promise.

The Hebrew word used most often in the Bible for deny means, in its strictest sense, "to lie". If we apply that meaning, when victims deny the effects that sexual abuse has had on their life, they are LYING to themselves. Many sexual abuse victims will say they don't want to dig up the past... Or they might even quote Paul's statement from Philippians 3:13, "But for one thing I do; forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead..." This is a great verse, but it does not mean that we should deny our problems. In fact, Paul spoke more about his past than any other person in the Bible. In the earlier part of this same chapter of Philippians, Paul draws an effective comparison between his past and what he later gained as a true servant of God.

In an individual counseling session, a woman shared about the difficulties she was having in her sexual relationship with her husband. "It can't be my sexual abuse. Before we married, I loved having sex. We had it all the time. It's that I don't love him anymore. I really hate sex. In fact, that's how I know I don't love him anymore. No, I haven't thought about the sexual abuse. It doesn't affect me now. I got over that a long time ago."

Have you ever said anything like that, "It doesn't bother me anymore. I got over that a long time ago."?

In your journal, describe several ways that you have protected yourself through the use of denial.

The truth is, we cannot put ourselves, God or anyone else in a box and close the lid. It is possible that some people exist who have experienced very little problems after having been sexually abused, but those people are likely few and far between.

There is one primary reason for denial - most victims detach themselves from their feelings. Victims of violent rape and incest tend to shut off their emotions to survive the trauma. This is comparable to people who have suffered the shock of physical trauma but report that they didn't feel any pain. The body and mind have protective overload devices to be used in crisis. They are, however, intended for temporary use only. The longer they remain in place, the more damage they do.

Here is a poem that an incest survivor wrote about denial. As you read, make note of the denial she shows. How does her denial compare to yours?

I know I one was young, but I don't remember much
About my childhood times with toys, and dolls and such.

I remember Dad was angry, Mom was nervous and low keyed -
OUR family was quite healthy... that is, all of them, but me.

I got a lot of whippings, but they weren't all that bad.
I'm sure that I deserved them when I made my parents mad.

When mom was really tired, I would babysit -
I didn't mind at all - it was my job to help her out a bit.

I remember how she loved to go to bed and read -
And Dad would keep me up, in case there's something he would need.

Their patience would wear thin 'cause they had so much to do.
So I tried to keep things easy.... that was my job, I knew.

I remember when my Dad found his way into my bed -
I didn't like what happened.... but I couldn't tell, he said.

Confused, hurt and scared. I must have made him mad -
The whippings kept on coming... but... I guess they weren't that bad.

I don't remember much throughout my childhood years -
So often when I try... my eyes well up with tears.

I wish that I'd been better, when I was a little child...
Then instead of anger, my parents could have smiled.

The memories that I have seem to make me sad -
But... I was just a child... and I guess they're not that bad.

Throughout the entire poem the girl/woman was taking responsibility for her parents' behaviors. Then she denies her own pain in the refrain, "and I guess they're not that bad." How do you compare?

Dissociation is different than denial

A more complicated form of not remembering comes from dissociation. Victims sometimes store fragments in bits and pieces in order to protect themselves from the overwhelming experience produced by the compete recall of shattering events. A significant aspect of healing is to recall gradually the fragments and make appropriate connections. It is like putting a puzzle together. If this is your experience you can be free from the domination of unwanted feelings and behaviors caused by dissociated memories. You cannot simply decide to remember, because the process is mostly unconscious. However, in a safe environment, such as a support group or with a counselor, and with the direction of God, you can gradually put together the fragmented memories of reality. Once you know where the feelings and behaviors come from, you can work through the traumatic memories and deal directly with the hurt, anger, grief, helplessness and any other emotions.

It's time to heal

For most survivors it is impossible to just get over the effects of sexual abuse. Everything doesn't just go away because the abuse happened a long time ago. Your tendency to deny the effects of the abuse in your life affects not only you but also your spouse, children, friends, etc.

A favorite scripture of mine is John 10:10. "The thief (Satan) comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I (Jesus) have come that they may have life and have it to the full." A very effective way of killing an destroying an individual is through sexual abuse. If you take the responsibility that belongs to the person who committed the abuse, you will be consumed with shame, anger, and destruction that are not yours to suffer. If you believe God has betrayed you, you will not seek Him. If you stay in denial, the enemy will have stolen the deepest peace and blessings that God has for you. They enemy will have stolen self-love and self-respect. Don't let that happen.

If you are the victim of sexual abuse, the time has come for you to give responsibility to the perpetrator, accept your betrayal, come out of denial, and begin the process of dealing with very painful memories. The process of healing has many ups and downs, and proceeds at varying rates. If you were to remember all past events at once, then you might be overwhelmed, but to begin is important. If memories and feelings become too hurtful or tend to promote destructive behavior, seek professional help.

A final caution

Be careful not to use denial as a way to avoid the truth. Yes, Christians are supposed to forgive our enemies. Yes, God intends for us to be victorious. But forgiveness and victory do not arrive instantly. Wounds must be treated and they take time to heal. Healing from the effects of sexual abuse does not occur until the survivor begins to face the truth. Please do not deny the facts any longer or hide in false responsibility. Allow God to take you beyond betrayal to hope, peace and healing.

Unit 4 lesson 2, I've Been Betrayed!

Webster's defines betray as "to lead astray, to seduce by false promise, to desert in time of need."

There is no question that a victim of sexual abuse is led astray by the effects of the abuse. And, for many, seduction is a part of the victimization. And most importantly, a victim is deserted in their time of need. A child in need of a healthy relationship with a parent is abandoned in the world of incest. The youth in need of spiritual guidance is betrayed by her minister when the relationship becomes sexual...

In your journal, describe your feelings toward those people who betrayed you.

As I read back over my answer from last year, what stood out to me was, "I feel like an orphan. My parents betrayed me. My birth father abandoned me as a baby. My adopted father sexually abused me and my mother knew about it and chose to look the other way. No one cared about me or did anything to help me - an innocent child! Because of their decisions to harm me and my decision to no longer accept it, I am left without a family. And the things they did turned me into a different person!" The abandonment and desertion in my life is glaringly obvious... It was harder for me to see just how much I'd been led astray. It took a long time for me to accept that the things they'd done (these people whom I so desperately wanted to love me) had completely changed me. Their actions changed how I thought of myself and the world... how I acted, what I believe in, what I valued, what I sought after, etc. Their betrayal had impacted my life in profound and devastating ways.

What about God?

At some point, most victims wonder where God was during the abuse. "Why didn't he stop it? Why did he allow it? Why didn't he help me? Why didn't he kill my abuser? He wasn't there for me then and I don't feel him now."

Consider these biblical teachings that relate to sexual abuse -

• God considers sexual abuse to serious that in the Old Testament the penalty for sexual abuse was death. Leviticus 18 clearly sets forth the rules God intended for humankind's behavior. Sex with a child, with a blood relative, or rape all carried the death sentence.
• God has granted the freedom of choice to people. They can choose right or wrong. Psalm 115:16 tells us that "the heavens are the heavens of the Lord; but the earth He has given to the sons of men."

God is all about relationships. Above all else, He wants us to love Him. Then we are to love our neighbor as ourselves. In order for us to truly love though, we have to have the freedom to choose. And with this freedom to choose love, comes the freedom to choose evil... He gave us free will to love Him or reject Him. If he forced us always to do the right thing, there would be no true love - we would merely be robots who automatically act a certain way.

• God did not cause the abuse. He refuses to treat us the way those who commit sexual abuse treat their victims - by imposing their will on their victims. God does not force people to do what He wants them to do!
• Horrible suffering occurs on this planet because people use their free will to do terrible things to each other. God's unfailing promise in this setting, however, is to bring us through all abuses or problems triumphantly as we commit our lives to Him.

God also promises to bring justice to perpetrators. All people are accountable for the choices that they make on this earth. God gave us a manual that told us how to relate to others. This manual is the Bible. Every victim's path has been crossed by someone who chose a path opposite to God's direct instructions. You were betrayed, but you were not betrayed by God.

The Hebrew word for betray means "to cause to fall" or "to deceive, in order to betray". God does not deceive humankind, and no word int he Bible suggests that God betrays people. The Bible is given to instruct us, lead us, and cause us to rise up and be blessed. Abuse is not a blessing, nor is it a way for God to "teach us a lesson". It is a betrayal by people. God is the One who redeems and restores.

How are you feeling toward God regarding your abuse? Angry, betrayed, confused, alone, other.

Are you willing to allow God to lead you to recovery?

Can you identify any barriers, especially beliefs or ideas, that keep you from reaching out to God for help in your recovery? (You are welcome to share these in the comments or in a private email to me if you'd like.)

Everyone struggles with questions about God, but at some point, we must understand that "He is our help." (Psalm 115:9-11) We live in a fallen world that will always have affliction, but God promises that He will never forsake us or leave us. God will rescue us.

Psalm 27:10 says "When my mother and my father forsake me, then the Lord will take me up." What does that verse mean to you? Take some time to tell God...

Unit 4 Lesson 1, Out of the Darkenss into the Light

This week's goal... You will be challenged to confront the issues of responsibility, betrayal and denial and to give yourself permission and time to heal. You will be encouraged to allow God to lead you to restoration.

This week's memory verse is Isaiah 42:16, "I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them."

Before we get started, I want to spend a minute reflecting on that scripture. God will turn the darkness into light - He will turn the light on so we can clearly see. He will shed His pure, righteous truth on the dark evil that happened in our lives. He will make the rough places smooth - he will comfort us on the rough road to recovery, making healing and restoration possible. He will heal the rough places in our past, making us new and whole again. He will not forsake us - He will be with us every step of the way.

****************************

I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE.

Responsibility, betrayal and denial are issues that all victims of sexual abuse must face. Regardless of our age, we tend to be confused from the very first incident. We immediately lose objectivity and normal reasoning abilities. When victims describe their first incident of abuse, they use such statements as, "I don't know what I did to deserve this"; or "if I hadn't done this or that, this wouldn't have happened"; or I was so confused".

Too often, rape victims take responsibility (at least in part) for the rape. It is true that we can make bad decisions that put us in unsafe situations - drinking, using drugs, riding with strangers, or even opening our front door to a stranger. But making unwise decisions does not remove responsibility from the perpetrator.

Survivors must understand that they were victims of a crime, regardless of any decision that may have put them in harms way. Webster's New Collegiate Dictionary defines victim as "one who is injured, destroyed or sacrificed under any of various conditions," including rage, desire or ambition. Victims of sexual abuse are injured mentally and physically. We were sacrificed for the pleasure of our perpetrators. A crime was committed against us.

• As you think about this, write down the person(s) who are responsible for the abuse you endured. How and why are they responsible?
• What feelings do you experience when you think of yourself as a victim of another person's sexual sin? Anger, grief, resentment, relief, fear, sadness, pain, other...

But what if the victim benefits?

It is not unusual for an abuser to give gifts or rewards to his/her victim. I can remember my father slipping me $20 every now and then when I headed to our neighborhood pool. He would tell me not to tell my siblings... The money was because I was "extra special". A snow cone probably cost about a $1 and a candy bar wasn't more than 50 cents back then, so $20 was way more than I needed for a day at the local pool. I can also recall expensive running shoes and an expensive formal gown for a school dance in high school (the shoes were for track - not to go with the gown). We spent way more than normal but, again, I was "special". Other survivors have shared stories of similar gifts, attention, protection from others and compliments. Regardless of whatever benefits you may have received, your abuser is still the person responsible. Did you experience some benefits from the person who abused you?

Repeat the following statements aloud three times. You are encouraged to say the words even if you do not believe them.

• No child at any time, under any circumstances, can consent to sexual activity with an adult.
• Because of the differences in maturity and power, adults always are responsible for their conduct with children - children cannot be held responsible.
• Regardless of the circumstances, no person has the right to force or coerce another person into sexual activity against his or her will.

How do you feel after repeating these statements?

What about others who were around?

Survivors must also give responsibility to any co-perpetrator; that is, any person who knowingly aids or allows the person who commits the abuse to perform an abusive act.

Victims sometimes express their greatest anger toward the parent who enabled the abuse. Often the victim has to deal with the question of whether or not the "other parent" really knows. If the victim is certain that the other parent knows, the child is left wondering why the other parent is letting it happen. The child has learned at an early age that parents are to take care of their children. Understanding the role of the enabler is especially difficult if the mother is the person who aided or allowed the abuse. Mother is usually the person tends to wounds, dresses the children, prepares meals, puts them to bed, etc. So why is she not doing something about what is happening?

All victims need to place an appropriate share of the responsibility on the person who allowed the abuse. Most co-perpetrators are not actively involved in the sexual abuse. They just all seem to have come to the same decision - to ignore or discount what they saw or felt was happening. It is not uncommon, once a family comes into a family counseling session, for the parents to weep over what they suspected but did nothing about.

The main issue here is for victims to recognize that others are responsible for not protecting them. We must assign appropriate responsibility to everyone who could have been accountable, rather than to continue taking responsibility ourselves.

• In what ways have you avoided acknowledging the role a co-perpetrator played in your abuse?

Other pieces to the problem

There are other pieces to the problem of responsibility. Given society's attitudes toward women, children, sex and pornography, it is not uncommon for a victim to rationalize what has happened and who is responsible. Whatever may be involved, the person made the choice to abuse! For healing to take place, victims must let go of responsibility for the abuse and acknowledge that responsibility for the abuse belongs to the person who committed the abuse.

Unit 3 Lesson 5, Getting Rid of False Beliefs

This lesson is a how-to regarding letting go of false beliefs. I am going to defer once again to the workbook - quoting directly.

As strange as it may seem, getting rid of false beliefs is difficult. These beliefs seem normal and natural to you. Your feelings and actions make sense because of them. Some of the false beliefs may seem as true and obvious as the statement that the sky is blue! To declare them as untruths will feel strange and phony. As you learn to take a stand on the truth, you will find freedom from the old negative feelings and actions.

For victims to recover, they need to discover what false beliefs they hold and then rid themselves of them, permanently. Telling Yourself the Truth, a book by William Backus and Marie Chapian, discusses the necessity of telling yourself the "real" truth. If whatever you are thinking about yourself has been distorted by abuse, they emphasize, you must solidly determine not to agree with those thoughts or statement. The real battle is lost if you begin to agree with the negative attitudes caused by the abuse. Naturally, at the start you will have no will to stand up adn say, "Oh, that isn't right! You're not worthless, you are special!" You must therefore develop the skill of standing up and saying that for yourself. You must choose diligently to seek God's help so that you will believe the truth.

Five important steps can help you let go of the false beliefs. You have already used them as you completed the exercises in this unit.

1. Identify the False Belief
As you identify the false beliefs, write them down. Then for each one write a scripturally-based truth statement to counter the false belief.

As found in the Search for Significance -- (FALSE) I must meet certain standards to feel good about myself - results in fear of failure. (TRUTH) I am completely forgiven by and fully pleasing to God. I no longer have to fear failure. (FALSE) I must have the approval of certina others to feel good about myself - results in fear of rejection. (TRUTH) I am totally accepted by God. I no longer have to fear rejection. (FALSE) Those who fail (including myself) are unworthy of love and deserve to be punished - results in guilt. (TRUTH) I am deeply loved by God. I no longer have to fear punishment or punish others. (FALSE) I am what I am. I cannot change. I am hopeless - results in shame. (TRUTH) I have been made brand-new, complete in Christ. I no longer need to experience the pain of shame.

2 - Look for the Root of the False Belief
Identify the underlying factor that is causing you to maintain the false belief. Which of these may have been introduced into your thinking by authority figures in your life - parents, teachers, employers, pastors, spouse, or other adults - or suggested by the abuser or significant others in your life?

3 - Recognize that the False Beliefs Are Lies
Identify the false beliefs and the experiences or influences that gave life to the false belief. Then, with the encouragement of your support people, you can become more objetive in your thinking. Seek to recognize intellectually and to accept emotionally the fact that these false beliefs are lies.

4 - Relinquish Your False Beliefs
Pray. Ask God to help you let go of your false beliefs and help you believe the truth about yourself. Record your actions and progress. Begin to keep a journal or notebook. Write your thoughts, feelings, and prayers in your journal or notebook. Keep your journal in a private place.

5 - Use Scripture as the Source of Truth
Learn to take a stand, even argue against yourself, in order to develop a belief system based on truth and not rooted and grounded in sexual abuse. Learn not to be so harsh and critical of yourself, but rather to love yourself.

Select one false belief that you have held and that has affected your life. In your journal, describe as fully as you can the consequences of that belief.

You may have written something like, "I never join in conversation because I don't believe I have anything worth saying," or "I believe no one will listen to me." Never joining into conversations can lead to loneliness and isolation. As you move toward recovery, you will exerpience less and less of those negative consequences.

This part of your recovery is difficult. You may only now be beginning to discover the full extent of the harm sexual abuse has caused in your life. You may be experiencing feelings that seem more overwhelming than those you experienced at the time of the abuse. You may be starting the process of experiencing those emotions and feelings that you began to hide while your abuse was taking place. Because of the possibility of experiencing overwhelming flashbacks, we strongly urge you to seek professional evaluation and assistance if you have not already done so.

A prayer to keep you going
Dear Lord, Thank you for making me a prized treasure with a special plan for my life. Thank you that you have equipped me with everything I need to achieve the goal that has been set before me. Thank you, Lord, that when I stumble, you life me up; when I try to run away, you come after me; when I am defeated, you cause me to persevere and to triumph. Thank you, Lord, for your perfect love for me.

Unit 3 Lesson 4, The truth will set you free!

I am going to quote this entire lesson directly from the book. I can't say it any better than the book's authors...

The false beliefs result from experiencing the trauma of sexual abuse. They begin in what happened to you during the abuse, what the abuser said to you about the abuse, and what others said and did at the time of and after the abuse. Other factors, such as the number of abusers involved and the frequency of the abuse all play a role. You need to understand that these false beliefs are learned and therefore can be unlearned. You can begin to correct these beliefs and stop their effects.

You've heard those "good news and bad news" stories. The bad news is this, every time you repeat a false belief you reinforce it. But the good news is that you can choose to repeat a different message. Thank of the negative beliefs as an old coat that has worn out and needs to be replaced, as remnants of an old garment that needs to be discarded. Think of it! You get to pick out a new coat, with a different style and flare. It may not feel like you at first but wear it a while and soon it will fit. You will adjust to it!

The Bible says the way we think in our hearts is the way we are (Provers 23:7). What we tell ourselves becomes our reality. If we believe that we are unworthy and unlovable we will only allow into our minds the information that reinforces that belief. The same is true about the way we think of others.

We can solve this problem by changing what is in our minds! We can change the way we interpret and perceive things. We can identify the source of events and people around us. Then we need to adjust our belief systems to the present by putting off the old patterns of behavior that we learned as a way of coping with the abuse. The false beliefs produce feelings and behaviors that are sabotaging our present, therefore, we must learn to speak and believe the truth about ourselves.

Romans 12:1-2, "Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship. Do on conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his Good, pleasing and perfect will."

Others have taken your body and abused it. God asks us to allow Him to remove the effects of that abuse by allowing Him to renew our minds. He desires to restore us. God waits for us to offer ourselves to Him.

What does offering our "bodies as living sacrifices" imply that we are to do with our minds?

Describe what the passage says will happen as a result of being transformed by the renewing of our minds?

Since the passage says we are to offer our bodies, that suggests that we must choose to do God's will with our minds. When we seek to obey God with our minds and bodies, we will know the truth about ourselves, then we will be transformed. Renewing our mind is a process that involves the following four steps. We must:

• Recognize the false belief
• Reject the false belief
• Speak the truth
• Repeat the process until our mind is reprogrammed to believe the truth

Take some time to ask God to continue this process in you. Ask Him to give you the strength to acknowledge the false beliefs, to reject them, and continue to speak the truth until you believe and feel the truth.

Memories during intimacy

Intimacy isn’t discussed until unit 12, but I received this question via email today. Others of you might have this same question, so I wanted to post it.

Question: I just wondered if you still relive all of the past every time you are feeling intimate. I have found that to be something that I can't escape...I don't feel like I struggle with the situation anymore, just the fact that I can't erase the memories.

My response: I am so sorry that you are dealing with that. It is certainly not the way God intended for marital intimacy.

Having memories or difficulty being intimate is not uncommon for survivors, but it is one reaction that I have been blessed to not have had to deal with very much. There are a few behaviors or word phrases that trigger memories, but not a great deal. When I experience something that triggers a memory, I always tell my husband and he immediately stops whatever it is. Not only does he stop, but he is also compassionate, understanding and even apologetic. While he does not mean to scare or upset me, I always appreciate that he understands and does whatever is needed to comfort me. But I had to TELL him about the feelings in order for him to know.

Here is a story directly out of Shelter From The Storm that might help...

One husband and wife came to the counseling office because the wife did not want to have sexual intercourse with her husband. She was in denial as a result of the abuse, and he was very angry because she refused to have sex with him. To his dismay, the counselor suggested abstinence from sex for a period of time so the wife could begin to deal with the past sexual issues. He agreed only because, as he said, "That's what's happening anyway - so it couldn't be any worse." Fortunately, in spite of his initial reluctance, the husband was able to reach deep inside himself to help his wife. God was able to touch their lives, although inside during the early part of the wife's recovery, she simply was not functioning. This story ended in a great victory for both husband and wife.

She said, "For the first time, sex is good. I never knew or understood the intimacy that God intended for me through sex. How distorted it was for me in the past, but now the most beautiful part is how tenderly my husband sees me. I want to say it is a miracle, but I realize this is really just how God meant it to be."

This husband chose to support, accept and understand. He and his wife certainly had good days and bad days in the process of recovery, but they chose to forgive and try again to continue on their long journey through the storm.

A question that goes along with what you've asked is, "How do I get the memories to go away?" I'm going to take a stab at answering that, but I think it's just about as mysterious as explaining prayer... In my journey, I have discovered that as I've processed my story over and over again, I have addressed different parts of it and experienced healing every time. I am going through the Shelter study for the third time right now, and I am learning new things everyday! Recovery is not a one-time thing, unfortunately. While you may be functioning at a very high and healthy level most of the time, it sounds like more healing needs to take place in order for you to experience the joys that God intended in intimacy. Something that has been key in my life is that my old cruddy memories are being drown out by new good ones. Even good memories from the past!

A good analogy is this visual that one of our church pastor's does... Fill a clear glass half-full with water. When we were born, it was clear - pure, innocent, unadulterated. Then someone did something awful to us that changed us (add dark food coloring to change the water color to a muddied, dirty color). The water’s color represents how we feel now - dark, dirty, damaged, impure, etc. How does the water in our cup ever run clear again? The answer - someone (God, our spouse, children, friends, etc.) needs to pour clear water (love, joy, peace, understanding, forgiveness, acceptance, compassion, concern, protection, provision, etc) into our cup. The new clear water will begin to dilute the dark-colored water... and with enough clear water, the muddied waters are almost completely gone. That is how other people are able to make such an impact on our lives - through what they pour into us.

Another vital piece would be to specifically pray that God would minimize the bad memories and direct your steps so that you can enjoy sex. Ask Him if there are things you can do to help prepare your mind for intimacy. I have one friend that sometimes prays during sex. That might sound a little awkward, but I'd certainly prefer to invite God into the bedroom before my abuser!

Thank you for trusting me with this question. I am here to talk anytime, friend.

If you have experienced this and have anything to add to the conversation, please feel free to comment.

Unit 3 lesson 3, Consequences of False Beliefs

The false beliefs that we have bought into drive much of our behaviors and attitudes. As I read this lesson for the first time last year, I had one ah-ha moment after another. I learned a great deal about myself and my thought patterns. I hope and pray that you will too.

The false beliefs that we've discussed in lessons 1 and 2 lead to low self-worth, guilt and undeserved responsibility for the abuse. Most often, abuse survivors look to family members to fix the brokenness - especially when our abuser was a family member. Survivors try to resolve the beliefs and feelings through various behaviors such as care-taking, people-pleasing and continued conflict. Any of this sound familiar?

Before I go further with this, I want to focus on how a survivor looks to family members to fix the brokenness. I was stuck in this pattern for a very long time. I longed for my mother to love me. I wanted so badly for her to finally take my side and throw her protective, unconditionally loving arms around me. I wanted to hear the words, "You are right. He abused you and I neglected you and ignored the abuse. I believe you and will do everything in my power now to nurture and protect you. I love you. You are special and so very important to me." I thought that if my mother said those words, that it would change everything. It would make me whole again to know that my mother believed me, cared about me, and loved me as a mother should. As I have talked with other survivors, I've learned that most of us have these deep longings for family relationships. And many of us put ourselves in situations that continue to be hurtful, sometimes even abusive, in hopes that the relationship will one day be loving and healing (only to be hurt more while we wait). As I discussed this with a counselor last year, I commented that it was almost "sick" for survivors to do this to themselves... But the counselor reminded me that WE are not the ones who are sick for having these longings. It is our abusers that are sick. It is our dysfunctional family members who are in the wrong. Our desire to have loving relationships with our families is completely natural and God's design; however, it is sometimes just not possible. God did not design families to be broken, but all too often that is the state of affairs in this world we live in. And the "sins of the father" continue to be paid for by the children.

Low self-esteem

One way to think about self-esteem is to replace the word "esteem" with "respect". So, SELF-RESPECT it is. Think about your life. Do you treat yourself with respect? Do you demand that others respect you? If the answer is "no", you likely suffer from low self-esteem. For me - the lack of self-respect led to a relationship with an abusive boyfriend. I believed I was utterly unlovable and didn't deserve anything better. Other ways that one can disrespect themselves include promiscuity (and other sexual behavior), drug/alcohol abuse, self-harming, etc. Many victims believe that they do not deserve respect. You might feel dirty, used up, or damaged. These feelings prevent you from protecting yourself, and you wind up being abused again and again. Having self-esteem provides the ability to acknowledge both our strengths and weaknesses and to see ourselves as people with value and meaning. Another way I've heard it is "God esteem". To view ourselves as God views us.

Frequently, victims of sexual abuse struggle with body image issues. They look into the mirror and see an image that they hate. For some, they hate a specific part of their body - a part that was frequently abused. As a young child, I hated my femininity. I prayed that God would change me into a boy, and engaged in every boy'ish activity I could find. I wanted desperately to repel my father. I kept thinking, "If I can become enough like a boy, he will lose interest in me." For many, this thinking continues into adulthood. Many dress in too-big clothes, or have even intentionally gained significant amounts of weight to ward off any unwanted attention. The thing that runs through a victim's mind is, "I don't want to have sex, so it must be my body that is sending these signals. I hate me. I hate my body. I hate everybody."

The following is a list of symptoms of low self-esteem. Write down the ones that you experience.

A constant feeling of worthlessness
Persistent thoughts that you didn't do it right
Broad swings in negative and positive attitudes about yourself
Self-doubt
One mistake destroys feelings of accomplishment or success
Negative self-statements
Over-responsible - feeling that everything is always my fault
Under-responsible - being unable to acknowledge that I was wrong
Difficulty making decisions

You may have noted one or two, or the entire list... Consider sharing what these have been like for you in the comments.

We need to realize that low self-esteem is a mindset, not a state of being. Low self-esteem is an attitude about ourselves; therefore, it can be changed! We are not vain, self-centered, or egotistical when we view ourselves as God views us. We can allow Christ to lead us as we change our mind-set from one of inadequacy to one of competency and fulfillment. He can transform our feelings from helplessness and hopelessness to affirmation and determination, from condemnation and self-hatred to self-affirmation and love.

Guilt / Self-blame

If you have an absolutely awful feeling inside yourself that says you somehow caused the abuse, know that you are not alone, but that IT IS NOT TRUE. Frequently, victims will blame themselves for not preventing or stopping the abuse. Adolescents and children who have been sexually abused rarely have the emotional maturity to deal with what is happening to them. Physical and mental maturation is not reached until late teens. When children are violated, however, the normal maturation process is severely damaged.

Can you identify any guilt or self-blame in your life?

Let's talk for a minute about that last statement, "when children are violated, the normal maturation process is severely damaged". I have heard that in some ways a child stops maturing at the age he/she was abused. As I've talked with other survivors, many have noted that a part of them was "stuck". That they still felt like that child - young, vulnerable, unable to stop it, unable to deal with it, having no control, feeling the EXACT same emotions from years ago. Many times we also view our abusers as we did back then - as our parent, our trusted family friend, our teacher... A person whom we fear because of their abusive behavior, but that we also care about and desire to have a completely different relationship with. As we journey through this recovery process, we are becoming less and less stuck and are beginning to see more clearly the reality of our lives. We are beginning to recognize our brokenness and are placing responsibility on the correct person - the abuser. We are maturing, healing, growing...

Shame

In addition to self-blame, survivors experience a deeper feeling that something was terribly wrong with them. If they weren't so messed up, the abuse would never have happened. That feeling is called shame. What child victims of sexual abuse must cope with is incomprehensible. Children lose their rightful identities as loved and valuable human being. They must try to mature in life with a foundation based on confusion and betrayal.

Many factors enter into the healthy development of children. The false beliefs of shame and undeserved blame, established as children grow, devastate their emotional stability as adults. Whether we experienced sexual abuse as children, as adults, or both, we need to let go of the shame and undeserved responsibility.

Have you been shaming yourself? Thinking something along the lines of, "I don't deserve to be happy." or "I'm a freak. I am not worth loving."

Take some time right now to pray about these major consequences of sexual abuse. Tell yourself the truth... If you have low self-esteem - tell yourself, "God loves me and I can love me too." If you feel guilty or are blaming yourself - tell yourself, "Responsibility belongs to the abuser." If you are ashamed - tell yourself, "I am worthy of respect and love."

For me - this lesson was empowering, yet it also grieved me. It laid all my losses out in black and white. I was overwhelmed at the life that someone took away from me and the awful one they gave me to replace it. I had to take some time to look closely at this and deeply grieve all that I'd lost. I realized that it was utterly sad, crushing, heartbreaking... I was less angry and just plain sad that my life is not how it should be. And as sad as I feel about it, I can only imagine how heartbroken God is. From a parent's perspective, I feel that I have a very slight grasp of how He feels. This is not how He designed His children (my parents) to treat their child (me - also His child). So, if God is more grieved than I am (and I firmly believe He is), then I have a lap to crawl up into for comfort. I am not alone - God is with me. Tears are streaming down His face as well.

There is a lovely prayer in the workbook that I would like to close with. It is from the book's authors, Cynthia and James. "God, grant these readers the experience of knowing Your love, Your freedom from undeserved guilt, from self-blame and from shame. May they know that they can love and respect themselves. Help them to believe, to accept, and to feel the truth of Romans 8:1, that there is "now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.

Unit 3 Lesson 2, Lies v. Truths, Part 2

In lesson one we explored the first two false beliefs that survivors of sexual abuse almost always struggle with. Today we are going to explore the other two.

Lie #3 - I wanted him/her to do this to me.

When some part of the sexual abuse feels good, it is easy to confuse that natural feeling with a desire to have this happen to us. For instance, part of the touching might have physically felt good. Or, you might have enjoyed the closeness of sitting on your abuser's lap or receiving the special attention he/she gave you. Enjoying touch is a natural physical response and the desire to be close to someone is embedded in our hearts. This does not mean you wanted him/her to sexually abuse you! As a matter of normal physiology, many victims of sexual abuse enjoyed a part of the stimulation - that is a normal and healthy reaction to an illegal act!!

As you think about the lie, "I wanted him/her to do this to me because it felt good", write down two truth statements to replace the false belief.

God created the human body for healthy sexual interaction. He created sex for our enjoyment in marriage. You are not a terrible person if your body responded to sexual stimulation. You may have written something like, "the human body naturally responds to stimulation", or "the person who abused me is responsible, I am not", or "a child cannot be responsible for the actions of an adult."

The false belief that you wanted the abuse because of the natural responses of the human body traps your mind and holds it captive. Begin to accept your body as it was created. Let go of the belief that you wanted the abuse.

Lie #4 - It didn't happen. I must have made it up.

We were gifted with the ability to suppress memories. Suppressing those memories enabled us to survive without dealing with what happened in our past. However, when those memories start to surface, the challenge we are faced with is determining what is truth and what is not. The memories may come back as flashes, fragments, snapshots... and they can be unclear. What we remember confuses us, so we have difficulty believing it ourselves. We have even more difficulty believing that others will believe us.

Most victims (about 90%) are violated by someone they know and trust. The victim may make an attempt to tell someone about the abuse, but it is so very difficult since it's someone we know and trust. Often children will assume that their parents know since they have this idea that parents are all-knowing. The child may ask, "Do you know what Daddy is doing to me?" or "Do I have to do everything the babysitter says?" Unfortunately, the adult may not recognize the child's attempt to disclose sexual abuse.

Have you ever thought you might be making it all up or that your situation was "no big deal"? If you have, your thoughts are normal. Take some time to think about this... Describe the things that have caused you to ask yourself, "Is this real? Was I abused? Was what happened to me really abuse?"

Rewrite the false belief, "It didn't happen. I must have made it up." into a truth statement that acknowledges your experience of sexual abuse.

False belief: "It didn't happen. I must have made it up."
Truth statement: _______________________

You may have written something like, "I can only remember parts of the abuse. That's normal and I can accept what I remember as real." or "It happened only once but I know it was real."

Your memories are evidence that something was wrong. Do not let go of what is true, even if others respond with angry feelings or non-supportive attitudes. For you to tell your story is appropriate, especially for you to tell your story to someone who can help. You need to find supportive people who will listen and believe you. You are invited to share your story in the comments here or privately in an email. Share your feelings, especially when it's difficult! Sharing details and identities is not always necessary - focus on your feelings.

John 8:32, "You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."

TheNewPornAddicts.com

Do you or have you struggled with an addiction to pornography? Help Crystal write the book DIRTY GIRLS.

Dirty Girls is a book that will discuss the widespread, yet silent battle women are facing with pornography addiction. Surveys are being conducted at TheNewPornAddicts.com for women presently addicted to pornography, for women who have overcome a pornography addiction and for friends, family and accountability partners of women addicted to pornography.

Through analyzing surveys, as well as conducting interviews with those who have been affected by pornography, author Crystal Renaud will use her personal story of redemption and Biblical and practical tools for recovery, to show women they are not alone in their battle and the hope that freedom from a pornography addiction is possible.

More can be found at TheNewPornAddicts.com.

How long does it take?

I get quite a few emails from people who are following
this blog...  One that I received today expresses what
many of you are likely thinking.  With the writer's
permission, I would like to share it with you.

Email from K: You don't know me, I just wanted to drop
you an email and say hi. I came across your blog when
I was looking for Christian resources on this topic.
I think I am just starting on the road to recovery. A
couple of months in. I've been hoping for a quick fix...
but I'm learning that isn't the way the Lord usually
works. I find your blog very hard to read, but thank you
for writing it. Please keep blogging, there isn't much
stuff like this around in the UK and it's such a comfort
and guide to me. I have a million questions, but I'll
just ask one, how long does it take for the memories
to not affect you so much?

My response: Thank you so much for your email.  I am
always so blessed to hear that the blog is useful and
helping others.  I take a lot of comfort in that
personally -- it reminds me that my childhood was worth
more than merely surviving.  That, because of the things
I went through and the way God is healing me daily, I
have something I can share with others to help them too.
This ministry gives an indescribable purpose to the pain
from my childhood.

I know that reading the blog is hard.  Take your time
getting through it.  It is not about speed reading but
about healing.

I wish there was a simple answer to your question.  I
think that a big part of the answer has to do with how we
choose to respond to the situation.  That might be hard to
understand...  It is human nature to feel sorry for
ourselves, to focus intensely on the anger and rage that
we feel, or to get totally caught up in the unfairness of
the situation.  But when we do that, I think we get caught
up in the emotional wildfire and experience the complete
opposite of peace.  When we're in that place, there is no
chance for the memories to fade because we are so focused
on them.

As we take this journey laid out in the Shelter From
the Storm study, we will process through the memories,
feelings, emotions, coping mechanisms, etc.  But our
purpose here is solution-oriented.  We are not going
through this study just to relive all the garbage.  We
want to understand what has happened to us, recognize how
it has and is effecting our lives, and figure out what we
need to do differently in order to be completely restored.

How long will it take?  I wish I could tell you... 
Everyone's process is different.  I didn't start involving
God in my recovery until I was 29 years old.  My first
visit with a counselor was at age 12, so that is 17 years
of of my life that might have been drastically different
if I'd had gone to him first.  And when I did invite God
into this process, my baggage was immediately lighter - but
I was very ready for major life change!  You've heard it
said before, "a person cannot be helped if they don't want
help".  That was true in my case.  I had a lot of big ideas
about how I was just fine, or how I could control things
into a degree of fine, or I could just move far away and
discover a great new life.  But none of my great plans
panned out, so God was the only viable option left for me.
And I was as ready for his healing as I'd ever been for
anything else in my life.  I wanted it and was willing to
do everything He asked me to do to get it - even the
things I didn't want to do.

The first month of the process is very hard.  Defining
sexual abuse, reflecting on our lives in order to determine
the abuses we've suffered, naming our abusers, recognizing
the dysfunction around us, etc. are all very difficult
tasks (and all bring back a lot of old memories, flashbacks,
nightmares, etc).  We are ripping down the veil and coming
face to face with what we've invested precious time and
energy into running away from.  It brings back old memories
and breaks our hearts all over again.  This is one heck of
a hurdle!  But from here, once we know what we're dealing
with, we can begin to rebuild.  The earlier lessons involve
exposing all the darkness, pain, shame and secrets.  The
latter lessons are focused on healing them - overcoming
fears, healing loneliness, being comforted, beginning to
trust again, becoming able to discern trustworthy from
untrustworthy people, learning what forgiveness is and why
we need to do it, confronting those who have hurt us, and
discovering intimacy in relationships.  These are the
skills we were unable to develop as victims of
abuse..  God's plan is for us to have deep and meaningful
relationships and joyful lives.  That is where the hope
lies that we need to hold on to for dear life in order to
get us through this recovery process.

Unit 3 Lesson 1, Lies vs Truth, Part 1

The goal for this week is to recognize and begin to replace the false beliefs you have about yourself and your abuse.

Sexual abuse almost always leaves a victim with false beliefs about their value and worth. We hold these false beliefs as absolute truths and over time these beliefs create mistaken guilt, destroy self-esteem and assign undeserved responsibility to us.

Survivors who are Christians tend to struggle with applying God's word (what we know to be TRUE) to our daily lives. We want so badly to believe what the Bible tells us, but bringing that truth into our hearts is a fierce battle. The lies we have bought in to are so very difficult to overcome.

Lie #1: It is my fault

Almost every survivor struggles with this misconception. Your abuser might have told you it was your fault. He/she might have told you it was both of your fault. You might say to yourself, "if only I hadn't been there" or "if I hadn't been wearing that", "if I hadn't opened the door", or "if I hadn't been drinking". Often times, rapists will yell horrible accusations at their victims as the rape is in progress. Perhaps you were consenting to some physical contact with your abuser, but said no and he/she didn't listen. You might blame yourself thinking, "It was my fault for kissing him so passionately and letting him touch me. He couldn't control himself. I led him on." Or maybe you feel it is your fault because you didn't "stop" the abuse or you enjoyed how special the attention or "relationship" made you feel.

During and immediately after sexual abuse, when the victim is at such a heightened state of fear and despair, the victim is more psychologically open to these false messages. Adolescents and children have even less ability to comprehend the truth of the situation. But the truth is that a victim is NEVER to blame for the sexual abuse committed against them.

Take some time to identify the self-blaming statements you have made about yourself.

False belief: "It is my fault because...."

One example might be, "It is my fault because I enjoyed the attention he gave me."

After you make your list of false beliefs, go back through the list and make a statement that is the opposite of your false belief. Even if you don't believe it yet, write down the opposite statement.

The truth for our example above would be: "Attention is a healthy human need. It is normal to enjoy attention. I wanted attention - I didn't want sex."

Lie #2: I must be a terrible person for him/her to do this to me

It is natural for children to believe that adults can do no wrong. And they view their parents as almost God-like. So, when an adult does something wrong, the child frequently believes that they must have done something to cause it.

Adults can feel this way too. In many cases, this is because the adult victim admires the offending adult and is confused about the abusive behavior. For instance, a church secretary might blame herself if her married pastor started pursuing an intimate relationship with her. She is wondering, "What did I do to send him this message? It must be my fault. I must be a terrible person."

When we accept lie #1, lie #2 follows easily...

As you think about lie #2, "I must be a terrible person for him/her to do this to me", write two truth statements from your own story to counter the false beliefs.

As I think about lie #2, I can hear my old recording in my head.... "If my own mother doesn't love me, who will? I must be so awful. Utterly unlovable. Worthless. A total reject." But the truth is that God loves me, regardless of how my mother feels about me. The problems are my mother's , not mine. I was an innocent child who did nothing to deserve the things they did to me. And God has never and will never see me as worthless - after all, he sent his only son for ME.

Some other truth statements might be: "The responsibility for the abuse belongs to my abuser", "I am a special person, created by God", "I was vulnerable, but I am worthy of respect and love."

Victims often try to hold on to the positive aspects of relationships with the abusers by viewing themselves as dirty and undeserving of respect. Speak the truth! Allow the shame and guilt to fall on the people who committed the abuse. By doing so you will not be making them guilty, you will be recognizing the truth of their guilt. They are responsible for what was done to you.

Our memory verse for this week is simple, but profound. "You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8:32 Think about that. What does it mean to you right now, as you begin to decipher lies from truth?

In the next lesson we will discuss two other lies - "I wanted him/her to do this to me" and "It didn't happen. I must have made it up." I will be praying that God will shine His light on your story and that you will clearly see and BELIEVE the truth.

How do we deal with conflict?

I think it's rare for someone to come by conflict resolution easily. It's complicated, as it involves emotions, some pre-wired personality issues, and then all the defense mechanisms we establish over time. So, it is not surprising that conflict resolution is hard, and even harder for someone who has been sexually abused.

Since our defense mechanisms are a big part of the equation, now seems as good a time as any to write about this. The way I would normally do this would be to draw pictures, but since I can't do that right now, please bare with me while I explain my images.

Some people cause conflict all the time, and out of very selfish and ugly desires. In my experience, dealing with these people is difficult, frustrating and usually quite hurtful. James 3:15-16, "For jealousy and selfishness are not God's kind of wisdom. Such things are earthly, un-spiritual, and motivated by the Devil. For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and every kind of evil." James 4:1-3 says, "What is causing the quarrels and fights among you? Isn't it the whole army of evil desires at war within you? You want what you don't have, so you scheme and kill to get it. You are jealous for what others have, and you can't possess it, so you fight and quarrel to take it away from them. And yet the reason you don't have what you want is that you don't ask God for it. And even when you do ask, you don't get it because your whole motive is wrong - you want only what will give you pleasure." This kind of thinking and relating to others is not biblical and, frankly, it doesn't even make good common sense! The world definitely has a "what about me" mentality, but I think it's possible to care for your best interests while also treating people kindly. Whatever happened to treating others the way we want to be treated?

When God is at work in one's life, there will be certain noticeable attributes. In Galations 5:22 Paul lists these "fruits of the spirit" as love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Christians experience conflict just like everyone else, but their heart should be such that there is a desire for peace, resolution and restoration where ever possible.

My two pictures images would be like this... When someone is rooted in selfish ambition, jealousy, etc. the result is fighting, hurtful behavior, disorder, and every other kind of evil. When someone is rooted in Christ, love, joy, kindness, self-control, etc. the result will be an attitude of resolution, forgiveness, apologies, and any other kind of peacemaking.

So what do we do when someone is attacking us? It is a natural tendency to want to lash out, attack, defend, and perhaps even wage our own offensive. But what good is that? Doesn't that just perpetuate and escalate the conflict? I have found that what works best for me personally is to leave the conversation - politely say that now is not a good time for me to continue this discussion as nothing good will come of it... Then walk away, hang up the phone, ask the person to leave, etc. When you are removed from the situation, I would suggest journaling and/or praying. Both will provide an outlet for you to express how you feel without fueling the flame or stooping to a level that is not productive. As you are praying, ask God for direction about how to deal with the situation. I would not advise venting to your friends merely for the sake of venting, as this generally produces more anger on your part. Wise and godly friends can certainly be very helpful!

James 4:6, "He gives us more and more strength to stand against such evil desires. As the Scriptures say, 'God sets himself against the proud, but he shows favor to the humble.' So, humble yourselves before God. Resist the Devil, and he will flee from you. Draw close to God, and God will draw close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, you hypocrites. Let there be tears for the wrong things you have done. Let there be sorrow and deep grief. Let there be sadness instead of laughter, and gloom instead of joy. When you bow down before the Lord and admit your dependence on him, he will lift you up and give you honor."

Friends, I am here to tell you that this works! It may seem silly or incredulous to pray to a God that cannot be seen, but you will begin to see Him in your LIFE when you put your trust in Him. When I decided to stop fighting with my mother, I told her that I could not be in relationship with her anymore, at least for the time being. She berated me and told me what a selfish, ungrateful, hateful daughter I was. I explained that I was way too angry to see her or talk to her and needed time away and that I would be praying about our relationship. She replied with, "What kind of church would tell you it's okay for a child to cut her mother off?" I merely said that I needed space to heal and hung up the phone. I didn't see her or talk to her for over a year, but I experienced a great deal of healing in that time. I had to be removed from the constant fighting in order to heal. God showed me the things I was doing wrong, helped me to begin forgiving her, and began to soften my heart so that grace and mercy would replace the bitterness, rage and hatred I felt for her for so long. It is still unsafe to be in a close relationship with her (she is still very unpredictable), but I can honestly say that I do care about her, I hurt for the many ways she has been abused and mistreated throughout her life, and I try to honor her by spending time together every now and then.

In terms of day-t0-day conflicts that don't require stepping far back from a relationship, my advice is the same. Take a breather from the conversation if it's escalating into arguing, name calling, insults, etc. Get your feelings out in prayer or on paper, ask God how to proceed. Ask Him to show you your responsibility in the conflict and to reveal to the other party their responsibility. Ask Him to give you the right words as you go back to the person with an attitude of resolution and peace.

What is very challenging is trying to resolve conflict biblically with someone who is only thinking of their desires, selfish ambitions, vengeance, etc. Sometimes all you can do is the right thing - own your mistakes and offenses, seek forgiveness (from God and the person you hurt), make the necessary changes in your behavior (which will probably require changes in your heart), extend your desires to reconcile and then wait for them to do the same. If they choose not to, the relationship cannot be fully restored and now you're faced with the decision of what you can handle in the relationship. All, part or none? It is not selfish or un-christlike to come to the conclusion that you have to pull out of the relationship completely. Forgiveness does not require reconciliation. Sometimes reconciling a relationship is too dangerous - especially when abuse is involved. A verse I absolutely love for this is Romans 12:18, "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." We can only do our part - what "depends on us". This does not mean to turn ourselves inside out to to become what others want (I am all too familiar with that behavior), but to have a heart of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. In doing that, many of our relationships will fall into place, some will fall by the way-side (because the other party only wants trouble and we do not), and we will experience a peace, joy and depth in our relationships that we've never known before.

Unit 2 Lesson 5, Restoration Is Possible

I've mentioned several times that I've seen a lot of counselors. I think "early intervention" (counseling at age 12) helped to curb some damaging thought pattens. For instance, I have never blamed myself for the abuse, and that is probably the most common thought that survivors have. "I must have done something wrong/it's my fault/I deserved it/I'm bad." Perhaps getting counseling at such a young age helped to steer me away from thinking those things, and I am so grateful that that is one battle I did not have to wage within myself --- learning to accept the exact opposite of that garbage. So, while there were still a lot of awful and harmful things going on at that time (I was still being sexually abused), I was being assured by my counselor that it was not my fault (she did not know about the ongoing abuse). And I believed that.

A counselor I had in high school had a poster hanging on her wall. It said, "I am responsible for my day." At the ripe old age of 15, I was learning that it was up to me to choose whether or not I would let the garbage control my life. At that age, I was making a lot of right decisions and a few wrong decisions. But, just a couple years later, the ratio had flipped. I was making a few right decisions and a lot of wrong decisions. But, I KNEW the wrong decisions I was making. I just didn't feel like I had the power to do things differently.

I continued seeing therapists through my first couple years in college and was honest and forthcoming about what was going on in my life (and my head). I told them the truth and they always told me the truth about the mistakes I was making and the changes that should be made. I always learned the "lesson" of what they were helping me to see, but I didn't always change my behavior in response to the truth I'd just learned. Change takes time.

Then I got married --- "rescued" is what I was hoping for. And I was rescued from daily life with my family. We'd moved across the country and life was no longer abusive; but it became increasingly lonely given all my secrets and acting out. I made an absolute disaster out of my marriage - the most regretful mistakes and poor choices of my life. This man did not deserve the mess I made of his life. When I left him, I was fully aware of how I tore through his life like a tornado. When I left, nothing was as I'd found it. Just like when my abusers left my life - nothing was the same with me. I knew I needed to make major changes, as I never wanted to hurt someone else, or myself, like that ever again.

I was suddenly alert and aware as I never had been before. Shortly after my divorce, I was dating someone special and had made a commitment to myself to not lie or keep secrets from him (now my husband). I worked hard at being intentional with my words and actions. Getting my tantrums and insecurities under control was no easy task, but it was important to me. I was upfront with everything I struggled with (which I had NEVER done before). I trusted him completely.

A year and a half after marrying, we started attending church. Getting involved in different church groups changed me a great deal. Many things were really good.... However, I was still mad as all get-out at my mother and struggled in general anytime I'd think about my birth family. That's when I decided to go back to counseling. She was a Christian counselor at my church. At our first meeting, she gave me two things to do for homework. 1- Read "Dorie, The Girl Nobody Loved" by Dorie VanStone. 2- Read the story of Joseph, Genesis chapters 37-50. While reading the story of Joseph, I was to journal everything in his story that compared to mine. I journaled practically the entire story!!! And I discovered that from the very beginning of time, families have struggled, families have betrayed one another, people have had evil intentions, and those who were abused and mistreated can overcome!

Long story short... Joesph experienced massive betrayal. His brothers tried to kill him, then sold him into slavery. While Joseph was a slave, his master's wife tried to seduce him. When Joseph refused to be seduced, he was falsely accused and thrown into prison. In prison he helped others, but when they got out, they forgot about Joseph. But Joseph did an amazing thing. He kept believing in God. Eventually God delivered Joseph from prison and made him second-in-command over all of Egypt. God made Joseph forget the pain, the anger, the loneliness, and all the other distressing emotions he must have felt.

As I completed this homework, I felt relieved to know that God is familiar with families mistreating one another. You will also find a story about the rape of Tamar in 2 Samuel 13:1-39. What we are dealing with is not new to God. He knows what we've been through, what we're feeling, and exactly what we need to heal. Joseph is the perfect example of overcoming horrible betrayal and going on to be hugely victorious. There is hope for us!

All of this to say... Over time you can be fully restored. With every passing day, I discover more and more good health in my life. But, there was only so much I could do without God. I had corrected a lot of my poor choices and bad behaviors before bringing God into the equation... But, the thoughts and feelings that I held deep in my heart and mind could not be fixed without His lovingkindness, compassion, forgiveness and grace.

Romans 12:2 says, "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind." As I ponder this verse, I feel it is telling me to not allow the world or my painful experiences in the world to determine how I live, think, act or feel. Like that poster in my therapist's office said all those years ago.... "I am responsible for my day." Will I make the choice to carry the baggage with me every where I go, or will I choose to lay the garbage down and accept a renewing of my mind?

God wants to make us new again. He wants to renew our minds and heal what our abusers have done to us. Sexual abuse is not the will of God. He is not using the sexual abuse to "teach us a lesson". His will has always been to restore to our lives that which was stolen by the abuse.

Just as the effects of abuse become evident without prior awareness of how the abuse was affecting you, God's restoration happens without your awareness of His work. One day, you are surprised by the joy of realizing that you have been changed! You are better.