Webster's dictionary defines shame as "a painful emotion excited by a consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety; disgrace, dishonor." The Hebrew concept of disgrace includes the idea of being uncovered physically, particularly the genital area; it can also refer to having one's plans and expectations frustrated or disappointed. Both definitions apply to the effects of sexual abuse.
Any form of sexual molestation, rape or abuse transfers to the victim the disgrace of the abuser. Sexual abuse creates shame in the victim. Often when victims tell about their abuse, their listeners add to the feeling of shame because the listeners have distorted the ideas about abuse. They say things like: "Why didn't you do something?" "I knew someone had you before we got married!" "You coulda done something!" "It went on so long, you must have gotten something out of it." You need to protect yourself as much as possible from such responses. You may need to review Unit 1 which contains materials to help you educate listeners.
Shame is a natural response to feeling uncovered or exposed. During the abuse your body was probably uncovered, but there was also the uncovering of your mind. Your sense of innocence was destroyed and the trust was lost. Innocence and trust must be restored. Survivors of abuse are left with frustrated hopes and plans. Dreams for having a healthy relationship with a father, a mate, a mother, a brother, or a child have been demolished. The abuse leaves victims believing that they are insignificant, of no account, no good. As you become aware of and overcome shame messages, these messages will have less power over you.
In your journal, write the following statements three times.
I am significant.
I do count.
I am worthwhile.
This exercise may feel uncomfortable at first but eventually you will be able to feel significant, that you do count, and that you are worthwhile.
The Message of the Abuser
The deliverer of the first of these messages is the person who abused you who says, "What I want goes, and what is best for you is of no concern to me." These and all other messages that convey worthlessness are shame messages. You must begin the difficult work of identifying the shame messages from the persons who abused you and the person who aided them by ignoring or covering up their actions.
An adult female victim tells her story of abuse. "I was eight years old when the abuse stopped. I'm not sure when it started. It stopped because my mom and stepdad got a divorce. I never fought, I never did anything when he would hold me close to him. I never did anything when he touched me except freeze and hope it would be over soon. I just felt bad. From the way people looked at me, I was sure everyone knew, and it made me feel guilty and useless. It happened again later with my stepmother, when I was a teenager. She said she was putting medicine on me. I would look away, down at the floor, sighing in hopes that she would stop touching me.
"I didn't know how to stop it. I couldn't tell anyone about my stepmother; it was just too bad. I told a pastor about my stepdad. What a joke that pastor was. He said, "Don't you understand that your stepfather felt lonely and sad during the divorce and all he wanted was some affection?" Well, of course, I agreed. But after that, I felt even more shame than before. I never told anyone else, that is, until now. But I am 48 now, and there are a lot of wasted years. I wish I would have known to tell and to keep telling until I found someone who would listen and believe me."
The wisdom of God can remove the shame imposed by the abuse message. You can learn to speak God's Word about yourself, not the damaging words of the person who abused you.
Read what the apostle Paul wrote about God's message... "We do, however, speak a message of wisdom among the mature, but not the wisdom of this age or of the rulers of this age, who are coming to nothing. No, we speak of God's secret wisdom, a wisdom that has been hidden and that God destined for our glory before time began." 1 Corinthians 2:6-7
What is the purpose God has intended for us according to this passage? God intends His secret wisdom -
To shame us
To makes us feel inadequate
For our good
Learn to believe and give thanks to God. He wants us to experience his goodness, not to expose our shame.
Psalm 139:14 says, "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."
How did the psalmist say you were made?
The psalmist says that you were fearfully and wonderfully made. Do not allow us or anyone else to tell you how you feel, but you can learn to challenge your own thinking and thus change your own feelings.
As your own decision to change your thoughts about yourself, write in your journal three times: "I am fearfully and wonderfully made."
God does not intend for you to feel ashamed!
In your journal, write any shame messages that the person or persons who abused you said to you.
For each shame message write a response that declares that these messages are not true!
Suzanne, a victim of date rape, was told by her date that he could tell by the way she was dressed that "she wanted it." He said, "You knew I thought that red dress was sexy." Suzanne had heard others say that he really like her red dress. She did want to look nice for their date, but she did not wear it to seduce him. Red went well with Suzanne's dark hair. When Allen turned down a dark side street, she told him she wanted to go home. She was in an unfamiliar neighborhood, and when he stopped, she was afraid to get out of the car and afraid to stay.
The Message from Your Own Body
A second area of shame has to do with feelings about your body or body parts. Many victims see themselves as fat and ugly. Some purposely get fat or take little care of themselves in order to ward off further abuse. Some focus on a particular body part that they hate. Some are consumed with self-hatred.
In your journal, describe your feelings about your body. Do you particularly feel repulsed by or ashamed of part(s) of your body?
Twelve-year-old Kimberly tells her mother that she hates her body, all except for her breasts. She likes starting to develop, but she feels bad about it for some reason. When Kimberly was raped, her breasts had not yet developed so her abuser did not touch that part of her. Because of this, Kimberly does not feel shame toward her breasts, but she still feels confused. In many victims, sexual abuse develops a self-hate toward their body parts. Some victims have to have certain or all parts of their bodies stimulated - even by their mates.
Verbal Message from Others
A third area of shame can occur even without physical sexual abuse having taken place. Children - and adults, too - can be shamed by statements like, "You can't do anything right," "You're stupid," or "You can't be my child." Being neglected also brings about shame. For example, if no one was ever home for you or cooked a meal for you, or acted as though they didn't want you around, you probably felt insignificant or worthless."
Jesus can transform this hate toward the body or toward the mind, as Pal points out in Romans 12:2.
"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind [do not believe the message of shame, but rather God's wisdom]. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will."
This scripture helps us begin to understand that as Christ works healing, the abuse will no longer continue to haunt us.
Write a prayer, asking God to remove feelings of hatred toward your body and to replace them with realistic true feelings about yourself.
You might write something like: "Dear God, I am 40 pounds overweight. I accept that and know I need to change that. I will not feel shame about it anymore. I will stop putting myself down."
If the messages you are receiving produce shame and condemnation, it is a false message. God plans to restore you to the truth. Each memory, each thought, each negative message touched by God's restorative power overcomes the marring effects of sexual abuse. When you allow God to restore your soul from the effects of shame and guilt concerning your abuse, you can begin to embrace what God has already said: you are acceptable (Hebrews 10:14.)
Showing posts with label Self-Blame. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Self-Blame. Show all posts
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Unit 6 Lesson 1, Letting Go of Shame and Guilt
It's been a while since I blogged a lesson. I have an hour or so before my son wakes up from his nap, so here goes...
Focal passage for this week: "There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Romans 8:1
Memorize it, friends... You are not condemned or guilty. In Christ, there is freedom from the shame you carry! The shame and guilt that are not even yours in the first place!!
Every victim of sexual abuse needs to recover from the shame and the guilt that result from the experience. Shame is the feeling of humiliating disgrace of having been violated. Shame tells you that you are bad. Guilt is the feeling that you did something wrong. You may carry a false sense of guilt caused by the burden of knowing some great offense was committed and the belief that you must be responsible. In the process of recovery, victims must let go of the shame and recognize that both the responsibility and the guilt belong to the person who committed the offense.
Cathy described in a counseling session how ashamed she felt about her body. "It feels dirty. It is dirty! As soon as my Dad would get through with me, I would immediately take a shower, but I could still smell him, and I knew I had done something wrong. I felt bad. I felt guilty, as if someone were watching. I felt evil.
"Believe it or not, my pastor knew something wasn't right with me and my Dad. He turned us in. I mean, turned my Dad in. It stopped, but now it's ten years later and I still feel so much shame. I think I'll be okay and I'll get dressed up and ready to go out. Then suddenly a picture will flash in my mind of his sweaty body on top of mine, and I'll lose it. I'm totally devastated. I feel dirty and evil all over again. Sometimes I think that if I wouldn't have these flashbacks, I wouldn't feel so guilty. The truth is sometimes I feel ashamed for no reason. I feel guilty for just existing."
In your journal, describe the difference between guilt and shame.
Shame is about personhood. It is related to lie #2 in unit 3 - I must be a terrible person for him/her to do this to me! Guilt is about behavior. It is related to lie #1 in unit 3 - It is my fault! Remember John 8:32, "You will know the truth and the truth will set you free." You are not a terrible person and the abuse was not your fault. THE ABUSE IS NOT A REFLECTION ON YOU. IT IS A REFLECTION ON THE ABUSER.
Shame invades both the mind and the body.
First let's look at shame as it appears in the lives of victims. This very painful emotion invades both the mind and body of the victim. It is planted in guilt, nourished by memories and watered by secrecy. "I know you tell me," Cathy continues, "that now that I no longer keep everything inside, I will get better. But it's been a secret for so long, I'm afraid to tell! Listen to me. (She was starting to whisper.) I'll try to tell you everything I can remember, I promise... but not today." Later Cathy does go on to tell her story, again and then again. First she discloses it in individual sessions and then in a sexual abuse support group. For Cathy, and for every victim of sexual abuse, telling the story is one of the most important and necessary events in achieving recovery.
Just like Cathy, you may begin to talk in a whisper as you speak about your experience of abuse. Choosing to tell someone about your abuse is perhaps the most difficult challenge of the entire recovery process. Many of you have been threatened emotionally and physically that you are never to tell a word about what has happened.
Many victims have been shamed into believing that if they tell, terrible things would happen to them or to someone close to them, perhaps their mother or sister. They had to hear such things as, "Everyone will know this is your fault," "Everyone will be mad at you," or "Mother will leave if she finds out." The threatening statements that some survivors have been led to believe go on and on.
Compare your feeling about talking about your abuse with Cathy's feeling. Complete the sentence: "When I talk about it, I..."
whisper
talk faster
hug a pillow
close my eyes
curl up in a ball
other??
What were you told would happen if you shared your story? If you don't remember, describe how you feel about not remembering. What did you think would happen?
In my experience... My parents divorced 3 1/2 years after I told my mother of the abuse. She never believed me, but divorced my father because my "allegations" had destroyed the family. She took me to see a gynecologist when I was 11. The doctor confirmed a stretched hymen, but not a broken one (which would indicate intercourse, which had never happened). The doctor was unable to say for certain that I'd been sexually abused. Someone recommended counseling for me (I don't know who, but I was under the impression that it was court mandated). So I went for counseling at the county mental health office every week for the next year. After their divorce, my parents continued dating and my sister and I went to visit him often. I protested to my mother, but she insisted that I go on visits with him "to protect my sister". She still did not acknowledge that the abuse actually happened. She also told me that if I made any further "accusations" of abuse or told anyone about the unsupervised visits with my father, that the state would take me away and send me into foster care where I might be treated much worse. So, I went to counseling that year, and every year thereafter, and never once told of the ongoing abuse. I felt threatened into silence. Scared. Abandoned. Rejected. Helpless.
Back to the study guide... Talking about the abuse is difficult for all survivors. It may be more difficult for some than for others. Each survivor remembers as much as he or she needs to at each point along the recovery journey. Let God put each memory in its place and in its proper time. Remember to let yourself be "where you are". Seek to accept yourself as a person in process. You are growing and changing. Give yourself time. Comparing yourself in a negative way to others will hinder your recovery.
Assignment for the lesson:
Write your own paraphrase of Romans 8:1. What does this verse mean to you?
Focal passage for this week: "There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Romans 8:1
Memorize it, friends... You are not condemned or guilty. In Christ, there is freedom from the shame you carry! The shame and guilt that are not even yours in the first place!!
Every victim of sexual abuse needs to recover from the shame and the guilt that result from the experience. Shame is the feeling of humiliating disgrace of having been violated. Shame tells you that you are bad. Guilt is the feeling that you did something wrong. You may carry a false sense of guilt caused by the burden of knowing some great offense was committed and the belief that you must be responsible. In the process of recovery, victims must let go of the shame and recognize that both the responsibility and the guilt belong to the person who committed the offense.
Cathy described in a counseling session how ashamed she felt about her body. "It feels dirty. It is dirty! As soon as my Dad would get through with me, I would immediately take a shower, but I could still smell him, and I knew I had done something wrong. I felt bad. I felt guilty, as if someone were watching. I felt evil.
"Believe it or not, my pastor knew something wasn't right with me and my Dad. He turned us in. I mean, turned my Dad in. It stopped, but now it's ten years later and I still feel so much shame. I think I'll be okay and I'll get dressed up and ready to go out. Then suddenly a picture will flash in my mind of his sweaty body on top of mine, and I'll lose it. I'm totally devastated. I feel dirty and evil all over again. Sometimes I think that if I wouldn't have these flashbacks, I wouldn't feel so guilty. The truth is sometimes I feel ashamed for no reason. I feel guilty for just existing."
In your journal, describe the difference between guilt and shame.
Shame is about personhood. It is related to lie #2 in unit 3 - I must be a terrible person for him/her to do this to me! Guilt is about behavior. It is related to lie #1 in unit 3 - It is my fault! Remember John 8:32, "You will know the truth and the truth will set you free." You are not a terrible person and the abuse was not your fault. THE ABUSE IS NOT A REFLECTION ON YOU. IT IS A REFLECTION ON THE ABUSER.
Shame invades both the mind and the body.
First let's look at shame as it appears in the lives of victims. This very painful emotion invades both the mind and body of the victim. It is planted in guilt, nourished by memories and watered by secrecy. "I know you tell me," Cathy continues, "that now that I no longer keep everything inside, I will get better. But it's been a secret for so long, I'm afraid to tell! Listen to me. (She was starting to whisper.) I'll try to tell you everything I can remember, I promise... but not today." Later Cathy does go on to tell her story, again and then again. First she discloses it in individual sessions and then in a sexual abuse support group. For Cathy, and for every victim of sexual abuse, telling the story is one of the most important and necessary events in achieving recovery.
Just like Cathy, you may begin to talk in a whisper as you speak about your experience of abuse. Choosing to tell someone about your abuse is perhaps the most difficult challenge of the entire recovery process. Many of you have been threatened emotionally and physically that you are never to tell a word about what has happened.
Many victims have been shamed into believing that if they tell, terrible things would happen to them or to someone close to them, perhaps their mother or sister. They had to hear such things as, "Everyone will know this is your fault," "Everyone will be mad at you," or "Mother will leave if she finds out." The threatening statements that some survivors have been led to believe go on and on.
Compare your feeling about talking about your abuse with Cathy's feeling. Complete the sentence: "When I talk about it, I..."
whisper
talk faster
hug a pillow
close my eyes
curl up in a ball
other??
What were you told would happen if you shared your story? If you don't remember, describe how you feel about not remembering. What did you think would happen?
In my experience... My parents divorced 3 1/2 years after I told my mother of the abuse. She never believed me, but divorced my father because my "allegations" had destroyed the family. She took me to see a gynecologist when I was 11. The doctor confirmed a stretched hymen, but not a broken one (which would indicate intercourse, which had never happened). The doctor was unable to say for certain that I'd been sexually abused. Someone recommended counseling for me (I don't know who, but I was under the impression that it was court mandated). So I went for counseling at the county mental health office every week for the next year. After their divorce, my parents continued dating and my sister and I went to visit him often. I protested to my mother, but she insisted that I go on visits with him "to protect my sister". She still did not acknowledge that the abuse actually happened. She also told me that if I made any further "accusations" of abuse or told anyone about the unsupervised visits with my father, that the state would take me away and send me into foster care where I might be treated much worse. So, I went to counseling that year, and every year thereafter, and never once told of the ongoing abuse. I felt threatened into silence. Scared. Abandoned. Rejected. Helpless.
Back to the study guide... Talking about the abuse is difficult for all survivors. It may be more difficult for some than for others. Each survivor remembers as much as he or she needs to at each point along the recovery journey. Let God put each memory in its place and in its proper time. Remember to let yourself be "where you are". Seek to accept yourself as a person in process. You are growing and changing. Give yourself time. Comparing yourself in a negative way to others will hinder your recovery.
Assignment for the lesson:
Write your own paraphrase of Romans 8:1. What does this verse mean to you?
Monday, June 29, 2009
Long time no talk (to Mom)
When I looked at the date of my last post, I about fell over. I wish I could blog here every day or so, but time is just not in my favor right now. My husband is still working very long days, at least six days a week, and the kids are out of school and keeping me running. I look forward to a slower pace and a return to a more desirable "normal"... and a return to this blog and my friends here!
I was talking with my oldest son the other day about his favorite family activities that stand out in his memory. So many of the things he spouted off were things I never experienced myself as a child. I am so very happy that my children have so much more than I did, but there's still that slight pang of sadness over my lost childhood. As I thought about that for a few minutes, I began to wonder when I'd last spoken with my mother. It was before my birthday, before Mother's Day, before my wedding anniversary (I don't even think she knows when that is)... Honestly, I think it was Christmas. And that was a terrible discussion; the call ended badly. As it sunk in that I haven't spoken with my mother in six months, I began to feel sad and even a little guilty for "not trying hard enough".
I'm sharing this with you because I know this is an all-too-common experience for those of us who are estranged from abusive family members. It is natural - God-designed - that we would desire relationships with our families. What is not natural - not God-designed - is for family members to abuse children and for those children to grow up having to protect themselves from the very people who are supposed to love and protect them.
I do not imagine that I will ever "get over" the estrangement from my family. I will always miss the idea of them. I even miss them to a certain degree. However, one thing that I am NOT is guilty! That is Satan trying to lure me into something that is not true. I am not guilty. I am the innocent survivor of sexual abuse who has been left with no choice but to distance myself and my family to ensure our physical and emotional safety. It is sad that I only talk to my mother by phone a few times a year, and possibly see her once or twice a year. It is sad that as my children get older, they have more questions and put more of the pieces together. They are beginning to realize that my mother is not a safe person for us to be around. Part of me wants to shield my mother from this realization, but that is not my job. My job is, in fact, to do just the opposite. My job is to shield my children from dangerous situations, and that requires informing them that being alone with my mother could be dangerous. This absolutely was not God's design; rather it was my parents' decisions that led us here. As I tread these waters, I lean on Him to lead the way. As each question pops out of my children's mouths, God provides the words for me to answer them. As I mourn the loss of my earthly mother, I am deeply touched and grateful for the perfect and unending love of my Heavenly Father. I praise God for the salvation and restoration found only in Him.
I was talking with my oldest son the other day about his favorite family activities that stand out in his memory. So many of the things he spouted off were things I never experienced myself as a child. I am so very happy that my children have so much more than I did, but there's still that slight pang of sadness over my lost childhood. As I thought about that for a few minutes, I began to wonder when I'd last spoken with my mother. It was before my birthday, before Mother's Day, before my wedding anniversary (I don't even think she knows when that is)... Honestly, I think it was Christmas. And that was a terrible discussion; the call ended badly. As it sunk in that I haven't spoken with my mother in six months, I began to feel sad and even a little guilty for "not trying hard enough".
I'm sharing this with you because I know this is an all-too-common experience for those of us who are estranged from abusive family members. It is natural - God-designed - that we would desire relationships with our families. What is not natural - not God-designed - is for family members to abuse children and for those children to grow up having to protect themselves from the very people who are supposed to love and protect them.
I do not imagine that I will ever "get over" the estrangement from my family. I will always miss the idea of them. I even miss them to a certain degree. However, one thing that I am NOT is guilty! That is Satan trying to lure me into something that is not true. I am not guilty. I am the innocent survivor of sexual abuse who has been left with no choice but to distance myself and my family to ensure our physical and emotional safety. It is sad that I only talk to my mother by phone a few times a year, and possibly see her once or twice a year. It is sad that as my children get older, they have more questions and put more of the pieces together. They are beginning to realize that my mother is not a safe person for us to be around. Part of me wants to shield my mother from this realization, but that is not my job. My job is, in fact, to do just the opposite. My job is to shield my children from dangerous situations, and that requires informing them that being alone with my mother could be dangerous. This absolutely was not God's design; rather it was my parents' decisions that led us here. As I tread these waters, I lean on Him to lead the way. As each question pops out of my children's mouths, God provides the words for me to answer them. As I mourn the loss of my earthly mother, I am deeply touched and grateful for the perfect and unending love of my Heavenly Father. I praise God for the salvation and restoration found only in Him.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Unit 4 Lesson 1, Out of the Darkenss into the Light
This week's goal... You will be challenged to confront the issues of responsibility, betrayal and denial and to give yourself permission and time to heal. You will be encouraged to allow God to lead you to restoration.
This week's memory verse is Isaiah 42:16, "I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them."
Before we get started, I want to spend a minute reflecting on that scripture. God will turn the darkness into light - He will turn the light on so we can clearly see. He will shed His pure, righteous truth on the dark evil that happened in our lives. He will make the rough places smooth - he will comfort us on the rough road to recovery, making healing and restoration possible. He will heal the rough places in our past, making us new and whole again. He will not forsake us - He will be with us every step of the way.
****************************
I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE.
Responsibility, betrayal and denial are issues that all victims of sexual abuse must face. Regardless of our age, we tend to be confused from the very first incident. We immediately lose objectivity and normal reasoning abilities. When victims describe their first incident of abuse, they use such statements as, "I don't know what I did to deserve this"; or "if I hadn't done this or that, this wouldn't have happened"; or I was so confused".
Too often, rape victims take responsibility (at least in part) for the rape. It is true that we can make bad decisions that put us in unsafe situations - drinking, using drugs, riding with strangers, or even opening our front door to a stranger. But making unwise decisions does not remove responsibility from the perpetrator.
Survivors must understand that they were victims of a crime, regardless of any decision that may have put them in harms way. Webster's New Collegiate Dictionary defines victim as "one who is injured, destroyed or sacrificed under any of various conditions," including rage, desire or ambition. Victims of sexual abuse are injured mentally and physically. We were sacrificed for the pleasure of our perpetrators. A crime was committed against us.
It is not unusual for an abuser to give gifts or rewards to his/her victim. I can remember my father slipping me $20 every now and then when I headed to our neighborhood pool. He would tell me not to tell my siblings... The money was because I was "extra special". A snow cone probably cost about a $1 and a candy bar wasn't more than 50 cents back then, so $20 was way more than I needed for a day at the local pool. I can also recall expensive running shoes and an expensive formal gown for a school dance in high school (the shoes were for track - not to go with the gown). We spent way more than normal but, again, I was "special". Other survivors have shared stories of similar gifts, attention, protection from others and compliments. Regardless of whatever benefits you may have received, your abuser is still the person responsible. Did you experience some benefits from the person who abused you?
Repeat the following statements aloud three times. You are encouraged to say the words even if you do not believe them.
What about others who were around?
Survivors must also give responsibility to any co-perpetrator; that is, any person who knowingly aids or allows the person who commits the abuse to perform an abusive act.
Victims sometimes express their greatest anger toward the parent who enabled the abuse. Often the victim has to deal with the question of whether or not the "other parent" really knows. If the victim is certain that the other parent knows, the child is left wondering why the other parent is letting it happen. The child has learned at an early age that parents are to take care of their children. Understanding the role of the enabler is especially difficult if the mother is the person who aided or allowed the abuse. Mother is usually the person tends to wounds, dresses the children, prepares meals, puts them to bed, etc. So why is she not doing something about what is happening?
All victims need to place an appropriate share of the responsibility on the person who allowed the abuse. Most co-perpetrators are not actively involved in the sexual abuse. They just all seem to have come to the same decision - to ignore or discount what they saw or felt was happening. It is not uncommon, once a family comes into a family counseling session, for the parents to weep over what they suspected but did nothing about.
The main issue here is for victims to recognize that others are responsible for not protecting them. We must assign appropriate responsibility to everyone who could have been accountable, rather than to continue taking responsibility ourselves.
There are other pieces to the problem of responsibility. Given society's attitudes toward women, children, sex and pornography, it is not uncommon for a victim to rationalize what has happened and who is responsible. Whatever may be involved, the person made the choice to abuse! For healing to take place, victims must let go of responsibility for the abuse and acknowledge that responsibility for the abuse belongs to the person who committed the abuse.
This week's memory verse is Isaiah 42:16, "I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them."
Before we get started, I want to spend a minute reflecting on that scripture. God will turn the darkness into light - He will turn the light on so we can clearly see. He will shed His pure, righteous truth on the dark evil that happened in our lives. He will make the rough places smooth - he will comfort us on the rough road to recovery, making healing and restoration possible. He will heal the rough places in our past, making us new and whole again. He will not forsake us - He will be with us every step of the way.
****************************
I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE.
Responsibility, betrayal and denial are issues that all victims of sexual abuse must face. Regardless of our age, we tend to be confused from the very first incident. We immediately lose objectivity and normal reasoning abilities. When victims describe their first incident of abuse, they use such statements as, "I don't know what I did to deserve this"; or "if I hadn't done this or that, this wouldn't have happened"; or I was so confused".
Too often, rape victims take responsibility (at least in part) for the rape. It is true that we can make bad decisions that put us in unsafe situations - drinking, using drugs, riding with strangers, or even opening our front door to a stranger. But making unwise decisions does not remove responsibility from the perpetrator.
Survivors must understand that they were victims of a crime, regardless of any decision that may have put them in harms way. Webster's New Collegiate Dictionary defines victim as "one who is injured, destroyed or sacrificed under any of various conditions," including rage, desire or ambition. Victims of sexual abuse are injured mentally and physically. We were sacrificed for the pleasure of our perpetrators. A crime was committed against us.
- As you think about this, write down the person(s) who are responsible for the abuse you endured. How and why are they responsible?
- What feelings do you experience when you think of yourself as a victim of another person's sexual sin? Anger, grief, resentment, relief, fear, sadness, pain, other...
It is not unusual for an abuser to give gifts or rewards to his/her victim. I can remember my father slipping me $20 every now and then when I headed to our neighborhood pool. He would tell me not to tell my siblings... The money was because I was "extra special". A snow cone probably cost about a $1 and a candy bar wasn't more than 50 cents back then, so $20 was way more than I needed for a day at the local pool. I can also recall expensive running shoes and an expensive formal gown for a school dance in high school (the shoes were for track - not to go with the gown). We spent way more than normal but, again, I was "special". Other survivors have shared stories of similar gifts, attention, protection from others and compliments. Regardless of whatever benefits you may have received, your abuser is still the person responsible. Did you experience some benefits from the person who abused you?
Repeat the following statements aloud three times. You are encouraged to say the words even if you do not believe them.
- No child at any time, under any circumstances, can consent to sexual activity with an adult.
- Because of the differences in maturity and power, adults always are responsible for their conduct with children - children cannot be held responsible.
- Regardless of the circumstances, no person has the right to force or coerce another person into sexual activity against his or her will.
What about others who were around?
Survivors must also give responsibility to any co-perpetrator; that is, any person who knowingly aids or allows the person who commits the abuse to perform an abusive act.
Victims sometimes express their greatest anger toward the parent who enabled the abuse. Often the victim has to deal with the question of whether or not the "other parent" really knows. If the victim is certain that the other parent knows, the child is left wondering why the other parent is letting it happen. The child has learned at an early age that parents are to take care of their children. Understanding the role of the enabler is especially difficult if the mother is the person who aided or allowed the abuse. Mother is usually the person tends to wounds, dresses the children, prepares meals, puts them to bed, etc. So why is she not doing something about what is happening?
All victims need to place an appropriate share of the responsibility on the person who allowed the abuse. Most co-perpetrators are not actively involved in the sexual abuse. They just all seem to have come to the same decision - to ignore or discount what they saw or felt was happening. It is not uncommon, once a family comes into a family counseling session, for the parents to weep over what they suspected but did nothing about.
The main issue here is for victims to recognize that others are responsible for not protecting them. We must assign appropriate responsibility to everyone who could have been accountable, rather than to continue taking responsibility ourselves.
- In what ways have you avoided acknowledging the role a co-perpetrator played in your abuse?
There are other pieces to the problem of responsibility. Given society's attitudes toward women, children, sex and pornography, it is not uncommon for a victim to rationalize what has happened and who is responsible. Whatever may be involved, the person made the choice to abuse! For healing to take place, victims must let go of responsibility for the abuse and acknowledge that responsibility for the abuse belongs to the person who committed the abuse.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Unit 3 lesson 3, Consequences of False Beliefs
The false beliefs that we have bought into drive much of our behaviors and attitudes. As I read this lesson for the first time last year, I had one ah-ha moment after another. I learned a great deal about myself and my thought patterns. I hope and pray that you will too.
The false beliefs that we've discussed in lessons 1 and 2 lead to low self-worth, guilt and undeserved responsibility for the abuse. Most often, abuse survivors look to family members to fix the brokenness - especially when our abuser was a family member. Survivors try to resolve the beliefs and feelings through various behaviors such as care-taking, people-pleasing and continued conflict. Any of this sound familiar?
Before I go further with this, I want to focus on how a survivor looks to family members to fix the brokenness. I was stuck in this pattern for a very long time. I longed for my mother to love me. I wanted so badly for her to finally take my side and throw her protective, unconditionally loving arms around me. I wanted to hear the words, "You are right. He abused you and I neglected you and ignored the abuse. I believe you and will do everything in my power now to nurture and protect you. I love you. You are special and so very important to me." I thought that if my mother said those words, that it would change everything. It would make me whole again to know that my mother believed me, cared about me, and loved me as a mother should. As I have talked with other survivors, I've learned that most of us have these deep longings for family relationships. And many of us put ourselves in situations that continue to be hurtful, sometimes even abusive, in hopes that the relationship will one day be loving and healing (only to be hurt more while we wait). As I discussed this with a counselor last year, I commented that it was almost "sick" for survivors to do this to themselves... But the counselor reminded me that WE are not the ones who are sick for having these longings. It is our abusers that are sick. It is our dysfunctional family members who are in the wrong. Our desire to have loving relationships with our families is completely natural and God's design; however, it is sometimes just not possible. God did not design families to be broken, but all too often that is the state of affairs in this world we live in. And the "sins of the father" continue to be paid for by the children.
Low self-esteem
One way to think about self-esteem is to replace the word "esteem" with "respect". So, SELF-RESPECT it is. Think about your life. Do you treat yourself with respect? Do you demand that others respect you? If the answer is "no", you likely suffer from low self-esteem. For me - the lack of self-respect led to a relationship with an abusive boyfriend. I believed I was utterly unlovable and didn't deserve anything better. Other ways that one can disrespect themselves include promiscuity (and other sexual behavior), drug/alcohol abuse, self-harming, etc. Many victims believe that they do not deserve respect. You might feel dirty, used up, or damaged. These feelings prevent you from protecting yourself, and you wind up being abused again and again. Having self-esteem provides the ability to acknowledge both our strengths and weaknesses and to see ourselves as people with value and meaning. Another way I've heard it is "God esteem". To view ourselves as God views us.
Frequently, victims of sexual abuse struggle with body image issues. They look into the mirror and see an image that they hate. For some, they hate a specific part of their body - a part that was frequently abused. As a young child, I hated my femininity. I prayed that God would change me into a boy, and engaged in every boy'ish activity I could find. I wanted desperately to repel my father. I kept thinking, "If I can become enough like a boy, he will lose interest in me." For many, this thinking continues into adulthood. Many dress in too-big clothes, or have even intentionally gained significant amounts of weight to ward off any unwanted attention. The thing that runs through a victim's mind is, "I don't want to have sex, so it must be my body that is sending these signals. I hate me. I hate my body. I hate everybody."
The following is a list of symptoms of low self-esteem. Write down the ones that you experience.
A constant feeling of worthlessness
Persistent thoughts that you didn't do it right
Broad swings in negative and positive attitudes about yourself
Self-doubt
One mistake destroys feelings of accomplishment or success
Negative self-statements
Over-responsible - feeling that everything is always my fault
Under-responsible - being unable to acknowledge that I was wrong
Difficulty making decisions
You may have noted one or two, or the entire list... Consider sharing what these have been like for you in the comments.
We need to realize that low self-esteem is a mindset, not a state of being. Low self-esteem is an attitude about ourselves; therefore, it can be changed! We are not vain, self-centered, or egotistical when we view ourselves as God views us. We can allow Christ to lead us as we change our mind-set from one of inadequacy to one of competency and fulfillment. He can transform our feelings from helplessness and hopelessness to affirmation and determination, from condemnation and self-hatred to self-affirmation and love.
Guilt / Self-blame
If you have an absolutely awful feeling inside yourself that says you somehow caused the abuse, know that you are not alone, but that IT IS NOT TRUE. Frequently, victims will blame themselves for not preventing or stopping the abuse. Adolescents and children who have been sexually abused rarely have the emotional maturity to deal with what is happening to them. Physical and mental maturation is not reached until late teens. When children are violated, however, the normal maturation process is severely damaged.
Can you identify any guilt or self-blame in your life?
Let's talk for a minute about that last statement, "when children are violated, the normal maturation process is severely damaged". I have heard that in some ways a child stops maturing at the age he/she was abused. As I've talked with other survivors, many have noted that a part of them was "stuck". That they still felt like that child - young, vulnerable, unable to stop it, unable to deal with it, having no control, feeling the EXACT same emotions from years ago. Many times we also view our abusers as we did back then - as our parent, our trusted family friend, our teacher... A person whom we fear because of their abusive behavior, but that we also care about and desire to have a completely different relationship with. As we journey through this recovery process, we are becoming less and less stuck and are beginning to see more clearly the reality of our lives. We are beginning to recognize our brokenness and are placing responsibility on the correct person - the abuser. We are maturing, healing, growing...
Shame
In addition to self-blame, survivors experience a deeper feeling that something was terribly wrong with them. If they weren't so messed up, the abuse would never have happened. That feeling is called shame. What child victims of sexual abuse must cope with is incomprehensible. Children lose their rightful identities as loved and valuable human being. They must try to mature in life with a foundation based on confusion and betrayal.
Many factors enter into the healthy development of children. The false beliefs of shame and undeserved blame, established as children grow, devastate their emotional stability as adults. Whether we experienced sexual abuse as children, as adults, or both, we need to let go of the shame and undeserved responsibility.
Have you been shaming yourself? Thinking something along the lines of, "I don't deserve to be happy." or "I'm a freak. I am not worth loving."
Take some time right now to pray about these major consequences of sexual abuse. Tell yourself the truth... If you have low self-esteem - tell yourself, "God loves me and I can love me too." If you feel guilty or are blaming yourself - tell yourself, "Responsibility belongs to the abuser." If you are ashamed - tell yourself, "I am worthy of respect and love."
For me - this lesson was empowering, yet it also grieved me. It laid all my losses out in black and white. I was overwhelmed at the life that someone took away from me and the awful one they gave me to replace it. I had to take some time to look closely at this and deeply grieve all that I'd lost. I realized that it was utterly sad, crushing, heartbreaking... I was less angry and just plain sad that my life is not how it should be. And as sad as I feel about it, I can only imagine how heartbroken God is. From a parent's perspective, I feel that I have a very slight grasp of how He feels. This is not how He designed His children (my parents) to treat their child (me - also His child). So, if God is more grieved than I am (and I firmly believe He is), then I have a lap to crawl up into for comfort. I am not alone - God is with me. Tears are streaming down His face as well.
There is a lovely prayer in the workbook that I would like to close with. It is from the book's authors, Cynthia and James. "God, grant these readers the experience of knowing Your love, Your freedom from undeserved guilt, from self-blame and from shame. May they know that they can love and respect themselves. Help them to believe, to accept, and to feel the truth of Romans 8:1, that there is "now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.
The false beliefs that we've discussed in lessons 1 and 2 lead to low self-worth, guilt and undeserved responsibility for the abuse. Most often, abuse survivors look to family members to fix the brokenness - especially when our abuser was a family member. Survivors try to resolve the beliefs and feelings through various behaviors such as care-taking, people-pleasing and continued conflict. Any of this sound familiar?
Before I go further with this, I want to focus on how a survivor looks to family members to fix the brokenness. I was stuck in this pattern for a very long time. I longed for my mother to love me. I wanted so badly for her to finally take my side and throw her protective, unconditionally loving arms around me. I wanted to hear the words, "You are right. He abused you and I neglected you and ignored the abuse. I believe you and will do everything in my power now to nurture and protect you. I love you. You are special and so very important to me." I thought that if my mother said those words, that it would change everything. It would make me whole again to know that my mother believed me, cared about me, and loved me as a mother should. As I have talked with other survivors, I've learned that most of us have these deep longings for family relationships. And many of us put ourselves in situations that continue to be hurtful, sometimes even abusive, in hopes that the relationship will one day be loving and healing (only to be hurt more while we wait). As I discussed this with a counselor last year, I commented that it was almost "sick" for survivors to do this to themselves... But the counselor reminded me that WE are not the ones who are sick for having these longings. It is our abusers that are sick. It is our dysfunctional family members who are in the wrong. Our desire to have loving relationships with our families is completely natural and God's design; however, it is sometimes just not possible. God did not design families to be broken, but all too often that is the state of affairs in this world we live in. And the "sins of the father" continue to be paid for by the children.
Low self-esteem
One way to think about self-esteem is to replace the word "esteem" with "respect". So, SELF-RESPECT it is. Think about your life. Do you treat yourself with respect? Do you demand that others respect you? If the answer is "no", you likely suffer from low self-esteem. For me - the lack of self-respect led to a relationship with an abusive boyfriend. I believed I was utterly unlovable and didn't deserve anything better. Other ways that one can disrespect themselves include promiscuity (and other sexual behavior), drug/alcohol abuse, self-harming, etc. Many victims believe that they do not deserve respect. You might feel dirty, used up, or damaged. These feelings prevent you from protecting yourself, and you wind up being abused again and again. Having self-esteem provides the ability to acknowledge both our strengths and weaknesses and to see ourselves as people with value and meaning. Another way I've heard it is "God esteem". To view ourselves as God views us.
Frequently, victims of sexual abuse struggle with body image issues. They look into the mirror and see an image that they hate. For some, they hate a specific part of their body - a part that was frequently abused. As a young child, I hated my femininity. I prayed that God would change me into a boy, and engaged in every boy'ish activity I could find. I wanted desperately to repel my father. I kept thinking, "If I can become enough like a boy, he will lose interest in me." For many, this thinking continues into adulthood. Many dress in too-big clothes, or have even intentionally gained significant amounts of weight to ward off any unwanted attention. The thing that runs through a victim's mind is, "I don't want to have sex, so it must be my body that is sending these signals. I hate me. I hate my body. I hate everybody."
The following is a list of symptoms of low self-esteem. Write down the ones that you experience.
A constant feeling of worthlessness
Persistent thoughts that you didn't do it right
Broad swings in negative and positive attitudes about yourself
Self-doubt
One mistake destroys feelings of accomplishment or success
Negative self-statements
Over-responsible - feeling that everything is always my fault
Under-responsible - being unable to acknowledge that I was wrong
Difficulty making decisions
You may have noted one or two, or the entire list... Consider sharing what these have been like for you in the comments.
We need to realize that low self-esteem is a mindset, not a state of being. Low self-esteem is an attitude about ourselves; therefore, it can be changed! We are not vain, self-centered, or egotistical when we view ourselves as God views us. We can allow Christ to lead us as we change our mind-set from one of inadequacy to one of competency and fulfillment. He can transform our feelings from helplessness and hopelessness to affirmation and determination, from condemnation and self-hatred to self-affirmation and love.
Guilt / Self-blame
If you have an absolutely awful feeling inside yourself that says you somehow caused the abuse, know that you are not alone, but that IT IS NOT TRUE. Frequently, victims will blame themselves for not preventing or stopping the abuse. Adolescents and children who have been sexually abused rarely have the emotional maturity to deal with what is happening to them. Physical and mental maturation is not reached until late teens. When children are violated, however, the normal maturation process is severely damaged.
Can you identify any guilt or self-blame in your life?
Let's talk for a minute about that last statement, "when children are violated, the normal maturation process is severely damaged". I have heard that in some ways a child stops maturing at the age he/she was abused. As I've talked with other survivors, many have noted that a part of them was "stuck". That they still felt like that child - young, vulnerable, unable to stop it, unable to deal with it, having no control, feeling the EXACT same emotions from years ago. Many times we also view our abusers as we did back then - as our parent, our trusted family friend, our teacher... A person whom we fear because of their abusive behavior, but that we also care about and desire to have a completely different relationship with. As we journey through this recovery process, we are becoming less and less stuck and are beginning to see more clearly the reality of our lives. We are beginning to recognize our brokenness and are placing responsibility on the correct person - the abuser. We are maturing, healing, growing...
Shame
In addition to self-blame, survivors experience a deeper feeling that something was terribly wrong with them. If they weren't so messed up, the abuse would never have happened. That feeling is called shame. What child victims of sexual abuse must cope with is incomprehensible. Children lose their rightful identities as loved and valuable human being. They must try to mature in life with a foundation based on confusion and betrayal.
Many factors enter into the healthy development of children. The false beliefs of shame and undeserved blame, established as children grow, devastate their emotional stability as adults. Whether we experienced sexual abuse as children, as adults, or both, we need to let go of the shame and undeserved responsibility.
Have you been shaming yourself? Thinking something along the lines of, "I don't deserve to be happy." or "I'm a freak. I am not worth loving."
Take some time right now to pray about these major consequences of sexual abuse. Tell yourself the truth... If you have low self-esteem - tell yourself, "God loves me and I can love me too." If you feel guilty or are blaming yourself - tell yourself, "Responsibility belongs to the abuser." If you are ashamed - tell yourself, "I am worthy of respect and love."
For me - this lesson was empowering, yet it also grieved me. It laid all my losses out in black and white. I was overwhelmed at the life that someone took away from me and the awful one they gave me to replace it. I had to take some time to look closely at this and deeply grieve all that I'd lost. I realized that it was utterly sad, crushing, heartbreaking... I was less angry and just plain sad that my life is not how it should be. And as sad as I feel about it, I can only imagine how heartbroken God is. From a parent's perspective, I feel that I have a very slight grasp of how He feels. This is not how He designed His children (my parents) to treat their child (me - also His child). So, if God is more grieved than I am (and I firmly believe He is), then I have a lap to crawl up into for comfort. I am not alone - God is with me. Tears are streaming down His face as well.
There is a lovely prayer in the workbook that I would like to close with. It is from the book's authors, Cynthia and James. "God, grant these readers the experience of knowing Your love, Your freedom from undeserved guilt, from self-blame and from shame. May they know that they can love and respect themselves. Help them to believe, to accept, and to feel the truth of Romans 8:1, that there is "now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Unit 3 Lesson 1, Lies vs Truth, Part 1
The goal for this week is to recognize and begin to replace the false beliefs you have about yourself and your abuse.
Sexual abuse almost always leaves a victim with false beliefs about their value and worth. We hold these false beliefs as absolute truths and over time these beliefs create mistaken guilt, destroy self-esteem and assign undeserved responsibility to us.
Survivors who are Christians tend to struggle with applying God's word (what we know to be TRUE) to our daily lives. We want so badly to believe what the Bible tells us, but bringing that truth into our hearts is a fierce battle. The lies we have bought in to are so very difficult to overcome.
Lie #1: It is my fault
Almost every survivor struggles with this misconception. Your abuser might have told you it was your fault. He/she might have told you it was both of your fault. You might say to yourself, "if only I hadn't been there" or "if I hadn't been wearing that", "if I hadn't opened the door", or "if I hadn't been drinking". Often times, rapists will yell horrible accusations at their victims as the rape is in progress. Perhaps you were consenting to some physical contact with your abuser, but said no and he/she didn't listen. You might blame yourself thinking, "It was my fault for kissing him so passionately and letting him touch me. He couldn't control himself. I led him on." Or maybe you feel it is your fault because you didn't "stop" the abuse or you enjoyed how special the attention or "relationship" made you feel.
During and immediately after sexual abuse, when the victim is at such a heightened state of fear and despair, the victim is more psychologically open to these false messages. Adolescents and children have even less ability to comprehend the truth of the situation. But the truth is that a victim is NEVER to blame for the sexual abuse committed against them.
Take some time to identify the self-blaming statements you have made about yourself.
False belief: "It is my fault because...."
One example might be, "It is my fault because I enjoyed the attention he gave me."
After you make your list of false beliefs, go back through the list and make a statement that is the opposite of your false belief. Even if you don't believe it yet, write down the opposite statement.
The truth for our example above would be: "Attention is a healthy human need. It is normal to enjoy attention. I wanted attention - I didn't want sex."
Lie #2: I must be a terrible person for him/her to do this to me
It is natural for children to believe that adults can do no wrong. And they view their parents as almost God-like. So, when an adult does something wrong, the child frequently believes that they must have done something to cause it.
Adults can feel this way too. In many cases, this is because the adult victim admires the offending adult and is confused about the abusive behavior. For instance, a church secretary might blame herself if her married pastor started pursuing an intimate relationship with her. She is wondering, "What did I do to send him this message? It must be my fault. I must be a terrible person."
When we accept lie #1, lie #2 follows easily...
As you think about lie #2, "I must be a terrible person for him/her to do this to me", write two truth statements from your own story to counter the false beliefs.
As I think about lie #2, I can hear my old recording in my head.... "If my own mother doesn't love me, who will? I must be so awful. Utterly unlovable. Worthless. A total reject." But the truth is that God loves me, regardless of how my mother feels about me. The problems are my mother's , not mine. I was an innocent child who did nothing to deserve the things they did to me. And God has never and will never see me as worthless - after all, he sent his only son for ME.
Some other truth statements might be: "The responsibility for the abuse belongs to my abuser", "I am a special person, created by God", "I was vulnerable, but I am worthy of respect and love."
Victims often try to hold on to the positive aspects of relationships with the abusers by viewing themselves as dirty and undeserving of respect. Speak the truth! Allow the shame and guilt to fall on the people who committed the abuse. By doing so you will not be making them guilty, you will be recognizing the truth of their guilt. They are responsible for what was done to you.
Our memory verse for this week is simple, but profound. "You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8:32 Think about that. What does it mean to you right now, as you begin to decipher lies from truth?
In the next lesson we will discuss two other lies - "I wanted him/her to do this to me" and "It didn't happen. I must have made it up." I will be praying that God will shine His light on your story and that you will clearly see and BELIEVE the truth.
Sexual abuse almost always leaves a victim with false beliefs about their value and worth. We hold these false beliefs as absolute truths and over time these beliefs create mistaken guilt, destroy self-esteem and assign undeserved responsibility to us.
Survivors who are Christians tend to struggle with applying God's word (what we know to be TRUE) to our daily lives. We want so badly to believe what the Bible tells us, but bringing that truth into our hearts is a fierce battle. The lies we have bought in to are so very difficult to overcome.
Lie #1: It is my fault
Almost every survivor struggles with this misconception. Your abuser might have told you it was your fault. He/she might have told you it was both of your fault. You might say to yourself, "if only I hadn't been there" or "if I hadn't been wearing that", "if I hadn't opened the door", or "if I hadn't been drinking". Often times, rapists will yell horrible accusations at their victims as the rape is in progress. Perhaps you were consenting to some physical contact with your abuser, but said no and he/she didn't listen. You might blame yourself thinking, "It was my fault for kissing him so passionately and letting him touch me. He couldn't control himself. I led him on." Or maybe you feel it is your fault because you didn't "stop" the abuse or you enjoyed how special the attention or "relationship" made you feel.
During and immediately after sexual abuse, when the victim is at such a heightened state of fear and despair, the victim is more psychologically open to these false messages. Adolescents and children have even less ability to comprehend the truth of the situation. But the truth is that a victim is NEVER to blame for the sexual abuse committed against them.
Take some time to identify the self-blaming statements you have made about yourself.
False belief: "It is my fault because...."
One example might be, "It is my fault because I enjoyed the attention he gave me."
After you make your list of false beliefs, go back through the list and make a statement that is the opposite of your false belief. Even if you don't believe it yet, write down the opposite statement.
The truth for our example above would be: "Attention is a healthy human need. It is normal to enjoy attention. I wanted attention - I didn't want sex."
Lie #2: I must be a terrible person for him/her to do this to me
It is natural for children to believe that adults can do no wrong. And they view their parents as almost God-like. So, when an adult does something wrong, the child frequently believes that they must have done something to cause it.
Adults can feel this way too. In many cases, this is because the adult victim admires the offending adult and is confused about the abusive behavior. For instance, a church secretary might blame herself if her married pastor started pursuing an intimate relationship with her. She is wondering, "What did I do to send him this message? It must be my fault. I must be a terrible person."
When we accept lie #1, lie #2 follows easily...
As you think about lie #2, "I must be a terrible person for him/her to do this to me", write two truth statements from your own story to counter the false beliefs.
As I think about lie #2, I can hear my old recording in my head.... "If my own mother doesn't love me, who will? I must be so awful. Utterly unlovable. Worthless. A total reject." But the truth is that God loves me, regardless of how my mother feels about me. The problems are my mother's , not mine. I was an innocent child who did nothing to deserve the things they did to me. And God has never and will never see me as worthless - after all, he sent his only son for ME.
Some other truth statements might be: "The responsibility for the abuse belongs to my abuser", "I am a special person, created by God", "I was vulnerable, but I am worthy of respect and love."
Victims often try to hold on to the positive aspects of relationships with the abusers by viewing themselves as dirty and undeserving of respect. Speak the truth! Allow the shame and guilt to fall on the people who committed the abuse. By doing so you will not be making them guilty, you will be recognizing the truth of their guilt. They are responsible for what was done to you.
Our memory verse for this week is simple, but profound. "You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8:32 Think about that. What does it mean to you right now, as you begin to decipher lies from truth?
In the next lesson we will discuss two other lies - "I wanted him/her to do this to me" and "It didn't happen. I must have made it up." I will be praying that God will shine His light on your story and that you will clearly see and BELIEVE the truth.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)