Did you know that fewer than 50% of all high school aged foster children in the United States will graduate from high school? And only 3% of those kids will graduate from college with their Bachelors Degree?
I was never in foster care, but I should have been. I was abused and neglected from age 7 into adulthood, but no one did anything about it. I remained in the family home, and did my best - on my own instincts - to get through school. Never once did a grown-up encourage me to do my homework, study, apply myself, take the ACT, or apply for college or college financial aid. I didn't ask for help at school because I was afraid I'd have to explain why I needed their help. I also never wanted to stand out as an excellent student, because I didn't want to be noticed. So, I gladly slipped through high school without a single college credit and report cards full of B's and C's - well below my abilities. I never studied for the ACT and never even looked at my ACT results. I applied only to the nearest community college where I dropped out with a not-so-stellar GPA.
You see... This is where I compare myself to a foster child. I'd moved out of my mother's home after graduating from high school. I was suddenly on my own - no support, no experience, no one giving me advice or encouraging me, but also no one abusing me (at least not physically). I worked full time to pay the rent, and went to school full time. I still longed for my family, so I kept in touch with them often. My mother was constantly criticizing, insulting and blaming me for her rotten life. Every phone call ended with her unkind words followed by her slamming the phone down. I'd call again a day or so later for more of the same. Between my jobs, my relationship with my family, and trying to wash my sorrows away in bars, I was distracted from my academics to say the least.
I applied for financial aid that first semester and did not qualify because I had to include my parents' income due to my "minor dependent" status on their income tax return. Never mind that I was not dependent on them. Today there are ways around this - exceptions can be made for abuse survivors, emancipated children, etc. Even if the government turns down your request for aid, the school has discretion to appeal on your behalf if you have extenuating circumstances! I don't know if these exceptions existed in the early 90's, but I do know that I would never have asked for them if they did. I did not want people knowing what trash I was. At least that's how I thought of me - trash.
Flash forward all these years and I know that the abuse was no reflection on me, but had everything to do with them.
I also now regret nearly every decision I made regarding my education. I wish I would have studied harder. I wish I would have asked for help. I wish I would have had the courage and confidence to pay attention at those college fairs at my high school. I wish I would have allowed myself to dream bigger and believe that dreams can come true. I wish I would have known that my youth was only the beginning, and that my future was up to me.
The sky is the limit, not our abuse. Abuse survivors - and foster children - are capable of absolutely anything. We are not limited by what someone else did to us.
I am writing this with my younger readers in mind. Don't blow the immediate opportunities that you are offered to move beyond the tragic circumstances in your life. Don't wait years for a do-over, when you've got the chance right now to right the wrongs.
I'm getting my academic do-over right now. Going back to college, having to do some maintenance to my damaged GPA, balancing life as wife and mother with a full course load at college, marveling at the options you have in terms of financial aid that are no longer available to me. I can't help but smile when I reflect back over my life and see how far I've come, but that doesn't stop me from praying that each of you younger girls will not follow my exact (time, energy and emotion wasting) path. I pray for earlier healing and success for you!
Girl Thrive is an amazing organization created with teen girls in mind. Dr. Patti has occasionally visited this blog and even sent me two free copies of her book Invisible Girls. If you are a teen girl whose life has been shattered by incest, Dr. Patti is here for you. If you cannot afford to buy her book, send me an email and I'll mail you one of my copies - victoryoversexualabuse@live.com. But one of the greatest things that Girl Thrive provides is college scholarships to girls age 24 and under who are incest survivors. Check out her website for more information! There is a wonderful life awaiting each and every one of us.
"The thief's purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life." John 10:10
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Counseling with Mom
You might remember my mother asking me if I'd go to a counseling session with her last winter. It took until mid-May for her to call again, this time with a scheduled appointment on the books. Coincidentally, it fell on my son's last day of school and we had a conflict during the exact same time slot as the counseling session. We rescheduled the conflicting appointment and put off end-of-school celebrations for a couple of hours so that I could go meet with my mother and her counselor.
For me, rearranging my schedule around this counseling session is what loving and honoring my mother looked like that day. While she has not "earned" this, God commands it... Additionally, God has given me - and will continue to give me - far more than I deserve or could ever earn, so who I am to withhold that from my mother?
I was glad that we met with her counselor. I knew that if she'd gone to meet with me and a counselor of my choosing that it would likely be counter-productive, scary for her, and would quite possibly do more harm than good.
Her counselor made me chuckle a little with her earthy, meditative Dharma style (as in Dharma & Greg), but she is also sharp, fair and committed to helping people get better. She is not at all the counselor I'd have chosen, but I hope and pray that she has been hand-picked by God for my mother.
When the counselor turned to me and asked what I'd hoped to get out of my relationship with my mother, I honestly didn't know what to say. In my childlike heart, I wanted to weep and say that all I ever wanted was a loving, care-giving mommy. At the same time... In my vast experience of having been there and done a relationship with her, I know that distance has really been best for me. So long as she is so broken, confused, confusing, irresponsible, hurting, hurtful, blaming, neglecting and denying...it is best for me to keep a healthy distance.
Before she and I can have a relationship, she needs to experience healing in her own life. Without a degree of healing, she cannot possibly experience genuine, selfless, regret, remorse and repentance for the acts she committed out of her brokenness. Without healing from her own pain, she will not be able to recognize or take responsibility for the pain she's inflicted upon others.
Since our meeting last week, I have discovered a renewed heart for my mother. I witnessed first-hand last week some of the craziness of her mind, but I could also see that she is sincere in her desire to be better. That is a first.
I have always told people that it's never too late to repair a relationship...but I never really thought it would happen for me. We have a very long way to go, but I feel hopeful.
"As much as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone". Romans 12:18
For me, rearranging my schedule around this counseling session is what loving and honoring my mother looked like that day. While she has not "earned" this, God commands it... Additionally, God has given me - and will continue to give me - far more than I deserve or could ever earn, so who I am to withhold that from my mother?
I was glad that we met with her counselor. I knew that if she'd gone to meet with me and a counselor of my choosing that it would likely be counter-productive, scary for her, and would quite possibly do more harm than good.
Her counselor made me chuckle a little with her earthy, meditative Dharma style (as in Dharma & Greg), but she is also sharp, fair and committed to helping people get better. She is not at all the counselor I'd have chosen, but I hope and pray that she has been hand-picked by God for my mother.
When the counselor turned to me and asked what I'd hoped to get out of my relationship with my mother, I honestly didn't know what to say. In my childlike heart, I wanted to weep and say that all I ever wanted was a loving, care-giving mommy. At the same time... In my vast experience of having been there and done a relationship with her, I know that distance has really been best for me. So long as she is so broken, confused, confusing, irresponsible, hurting, hurtful, blaming, neglecting and denying...it is best for me to keep a healthy distance.
Before she and I can have a relationship, she needs to experience healing in her own life. Without a degree of healing, she cannot possibly experience genuine, selfless, regret, remorse and repentance for the acts she committed out of her brokenness. Without healing from her own pain, she will not be able to recognize or take responsibility for the pain she's inflicted upon others.
Since our meeting last week, I have discovered a renewed heart for my mother. I witnessed first-hand last week some of the craziness of her mind, but I could also see that she is sincere in her desire to be better. That is a first.
I have always told people that it's never too late to repair a relationship...but I never really thought it would happen for me. We have a very long way to go, but I feel hopeful.
"As much as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone". Romans 12:18
Monday, March 29, 2010
Unit 7 Lesson 2, Healthy Anger, Part2
Anger is part of God's nature. The New Testament records that Jesus expressed anger on several occasions. We can conclude that anger in itself is not bad, but unresolved anger becomes destructive. Unresolved anger inevitably causes us inner turmoil. The Bible says in Ephesians 4:26, "Be angry, and yet do not sin" (NASB). Most of us know how to be angry, but what we need to learn is how to be angry without sinning.
Anger is apart of God's nature.
How do you feel about that statement? What effect does the fact that anger is a part of God's nature have on your recovery?
Anger is a signal that God has given us, just as pain is a signal. Anger tells us that we rae being hurt, that something is wrong, or perhaps that someone is demanding too much. Sometimes our anger becomes generalized and we us it as a defense. When you understand the simple dynamics of anger, you see that, as a survivor of abuse, you have been deeply hurt. Anger would be a natural response. To remove that anger, you need to acknowledge it. Hurt may be a residual emotion that you feel even after you have dealt with the anger. You may express your anger in sudden outbursts, or you may reveal it in passive ways such as isolation or depression. If you have displayed your anger in unproductive ways, you will probably retain that anger until you can learn how to release it positively, and use it to find out more about yourself instead of lashing out against yourself and others.
Anger is a surface emotion. Underneath the anger you will usually find other feelings that also need expression.
In your journal, write the feeling words that create the greatest emotional response...
Hurt Rejection Shame Used Humiliation Alone Unimportant
You may be using you ranger to protect yourself from feeling humiliated, used or hurt. To feel anger is less painful than to feel the underlying emotion.
When you have been rejected, humiliated, used or when you have been hurt mentally, physically, or emotionally, the normal response is to become angry. A young woman who had been a child victim of sexual abuse described how rejected and humiliated she felt as a young girl when the police came to her house. She said, "I had been walking home from school when a man approached who said he would give me candy. I never got candy, even though I went to the woods with him. He raped me. I was so sore, and blood was all over me. He tore my dress. A woman had seen me go with him, but it was over so quickly. My mother got real mad at me and kept saying, "How could you be so stupid as to go anywhere with a stranger?" With tha tstatement, my mother gave me a good weapon to punish myself. I was so confused. I didn't think anything could feel worse than what he did to me, but this was worse. I thought, She's right, my mom's right. Why did I go into the woods? I was stupid. I hate myself."
Because we have trained ourselves not to feel our emotions, sometimes we can more easily feel angry about the ause that happened to someone else. In your journal, describe your feelings about what happened to the little girl you just read about.
Describe your feelings about the fact that the victim was blamed for the abuse.
Is your story similar to the story of the little girl? Explain.
When Bill read the story it reminded him of how his father had shamed him because of the abuse he suffered from an aunt. He was finally able to be angry at his father for not listening to him and understanding.
How is your story different?
You need to allow yourself to feel your anger about your abuse and about the way others reacted to your abuse.
Note the following methods you have been using to deal with your anger.
I suppress it.
I have sudden outbursts.
I have become depressed.
I turn it inward through self-hate.
I act out in passive-aggressive ways.
I am self-destructive.
Other...
None of the methods listed above are healthy expressions of anger. Acknowledging that you are angry, validating your own significance, and focusing your anger on the abuse are healthy ways to deal with your anger.
Describe your feelings about how others have reacted to your abuse.
Jim had panic attacks when he thought someone needed something from him. He discovered the source of those attacks. He had never allowed himself to be angry at the soccer coach who sexually abused him. Jim hated what the coach did to him in the locker room but craved the coach's praise on the field. Jim was also angry at himself for wanting the praise. Sexual abuse often puts the victim in a double-bind situation.
Remember your memory verse.
"Be angry, and yet do not sin." Ephesians 4:26
Your anger is not a sin. To feel angry when others take advantage of you is healthy and normal. As you feel your anger you can deal with it in appropriate ways. Then you will use less of the destructive ways mentioned above.
Anger is apart of God's nature.
How do you feel about that statement? What effect does the fact that anger is a part of God's nature have on your recovery?
Anger is a signal that God has given us, just as pain is a signal. Anger tells us that we rae being hurt, that something is wrong, or perhaps that someone is demanding too much. Sometimes our anger becomes generalized and we us it as a defense. When you understand the simple dynamics of anger, you see that, as a survivor of abuse, you have been deeply hurt. Anger would be a natural response. To remove that anger, you need to acknowledge it. Hurt may be a residual emotion that you feel even after you have dealt with the anger. You may express your anger in sudden outbursts, or you may reveal it in passive ways such as isolation or depression. If you have displayed your anger in unproductive ways, you will probably retain that anger until you can learn how to release it positively, and use it to find out more about yourself instead of lashing out against yourself and others.
Anger is a surface emotion. Underneath the anger you will usually find other feelings that also need expression.
In your journal, write the feeling words that create the greatest emotional response...
Hurt Rejection Shame Used Humiliation Alone Unimportant
You may be using you ranger to protect yourself from feeling humiliated, used or hurt. To feel anger is less painful than to feel the underlying emotion.
When you have been rejected, humiliated, used or when you have been hurt mentally, physically, or emotionally, the normal response is to become angry. A young woman who had been a child victim of sexual abuse described how rejected and humiliated she felt as a young girl when the police came to her house. She said, "I had been walking home from school when a man approached who said he would give me candy. I never got candy, even though I went to the woods with him. He raped me. I was so sore, and blood was all over me. He tore my dress. A woman had seen me go with him, but it was over so quickly. My mother got real mad at me and kept saying, "How could you be so stupid as to go anywhere with a stranger?" With tha tstatement, my mother gave me a good weapon to punish myself. I was so confused. I didn't think anything could feel worse than what he did to me, but this was worse. I thought, She's right, my mom's right. Why did I go into the woods? I was stupid. I hate myself."
Because we have trained ourselves not to feel our emotions, sometimes we can more easily feel angry about the ause that happened to someone else. In your journal, describe your feelings about what happened to the little girl you just read about.
Describe your feelings about the fact that the victim was blamed for the abuse.
Is your story similar to the story of the little girl? Explain.
When Bill read the story it reminded him of how his father had shamed him because of the abuse he suffered from an aunt. He was finally able to be angry at his father for not listening to him and understanding.
How is your story different?
You need to allow yourself to feel your anger about your abuse and about the way others reacted to your abuse.
Note the following methods you have been using to deal with your anger.
I suppress it.
I have sudden outbursts.
I have become depressed.
I turn it inward through self-hate.
I act out in passive-aggressive ways.
I am self-destructive.
Other...
None of the methods listed above are healthy expressions of anger. Acknowledging that you are angry, validating your own significance, and focusing your anger on the abuse are healthy ways to deal with your anger.
Describe your feelings about how others have reacted to your abuse.
Jim had panic attacks when he thought someone needed something from him. He discovered the source of those attacks. He had never allowed himself to be angry at the soccer coach who sexually abused him. Jim hated what the coach did to him in the locker room but craved the coach's praise on the field. Jim was also angry at himself for wanting the praise. Sexual abuse often puts the victim in a double-bind situation.
Remember your memory verse.
"Be angry, and yet do not sin." Ephesians 4:26
Your anger is not a sin. To feel angry when others take advantage of you is healthy and normal. As you feel your anger you can deal with it in appropriate ways. Then you will use less of the destructive ways mentioned above.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
"I want to punch them"
Out of the blue, my 6 1/2 year old son says, "Hey, Mom, do you ever want to talk to your dads?" Having no idea where this came from or where it was headed, I gently answered, "No, not really." He replied, "Really? Never? You never want to talk to your dads? You never wonder what they're doing and want to talk to them?" My husband was driving, so I was able to turn my head enough to make eye contact and explain again...
"My first dad abandoned me when I was a baby. I found him when I was 26 and spent a weekend with him at his mom's house. After that weekend, I called him a lot, and sent mail and email and he never responded. He didn't want anything to do with me. He doesn't love me like a Daddy should, so I've had to move on with my life without him. My second dad adopted me when I was really young, but he didn't treat me right. He abused me terribly and touched my body in ways that no child should ever be touched... I told my mom about it when I was eight years old, but she never made him stop. The abuse lasted until I was old enough to make it stop myself at age 15 1/2, and then a judge told him when I was 16 that he couldn't see me anymore and he told me that I was freed from his abuse. The touching hurt my body, but more than that, the way my mom and dads treated me hurt my feelings and my heart. I carried that pain with me every single day until I was almost 30 years old, when God really started to help me feel better. To this day, my mom and my second dad won't take responsibility for what they did, and sometimes my mother even says it was all my fault. They don't love me the way a Mommy or Daddy should, so I don't really ever think about wanting to call them just to chat."
I was not teary-eyed or angry as I spoke... I was calm, truthful and reassuring to him that these are things that his Mommy and Daddy would never, ever do. When I stopped talking, he replied, "I want to punch them."
I had to turn away then, because my eyes were immediately filled with tears. This was only the second time anyone ever expressed anger over what happened to me. The first was my husband... God really blessed me with my husband and sons. They really know how to wrap their arms and hearts around me and love me into wholeness.
As I quietly cried, my husband jumped in and talked with our sons about forgiveness and surrendering everything - good and bad - to God. Isn't it amazing how God provides, day in and day out? He never leaves us or forsakes us. He has, without question, provided my guys to me as a gift. They help me to recover more every day.
"Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, "I will take revenge; I will pay them back," says the LORD." Romans 12:19
"My first dad abandoned me when I was a baby. I found him when I was 26 and spent a weekend with him at his mom's house. After that weekend, I called him a lot, and sent mail and email and he never responded. He didn't want anything to do with me. He doesn't love me like a Daddy should, so I've had to move on with my life without him. My second dad adopted me when I was really young, but he didn't treat me right. He abused me terribly and touched my body in ways that no child should ever be touched... I told my mom about it when I was eight years old, but she never made him stop. The abuse lasted until I was old enough to make it stop myself at age 15 1/2, and then a judge told him when I was 16 that he couldn't see me anymore and he told me that I was freed from his abuse. The touching hurt my body, but more than that, the way my mom and dads treated me hurt my feelings and my heart. I carried that pain with me every single day until I was almost 30 years old, when God really started to help me feel better. To this day, my mom and my second dad won't take responsibility for what they did, and sometimes my mother even says it was all my fault. They don't love me the way a Mommy or Daddy should, so I don't really ever think about wanting to call them just to chat."
I was not teary-eyed or angry as I spoke... I was calm, truthful and reassuring to him that these are things that his Mommy and Daddy would never, ever do. When I stopped talking, he replied, "I want to punch them."
I had to turn away then, because my eyes were immediately filled with tears. This was only the second time anyone ever expressed anger over what happened to me. The first was my husband... God really blessed me with my husband and sons. They really know how to wrap their arms and hearts around me and love me into wholeness.
As I quietly cried, my husband jumped in and talked with our sons about forgiveness and surrendering everything - good and bad - to God. Isn't it amazing how God provides, day in and day out? He never leaves us or forsakes us. He has, without question, provided my guys to me as a gift. They help me to recover more every day.
"Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, "I will take revenge; I will pay them back," says the LORD." Romans 12:19
Monday, March 15, 2010
It is sad ... but God's got a plan
My feelings fluctuate as I grow, recover and get to know myself more deeply. I am humbled by God's care and concern. I am immensely grateful to be an ever-changing, ever-healing person. I cannot put words to how it feels to know God's provision the way that I do.
But that does not always keep grief at bay.
For years my overwhelming feelings were anger, bitterness and rejection. I felt grief for the first time four years ago. It was freeing; comforting. I was able to feel grief because I was finally able to see, believe and process the losses in my life. Feeling grief involved recognizing that I was worthy. That I deserved more than the treatment I received from my parents.
Ever since that day four years ago, grief has been an occasional visitor. It most often comes when I marvel at something that my children have that I did not. You know - things as simple as childhood vacations or parents who volunteer in class. My grief is generally a fleeting emotion, but there just the same.
Grief is visiting right now.
My teen years were spent formulating an escape plan. I had to get out of my mother's abusive home the moment I graduated from high school. For a few years, I bounced between living arrangements with friends, worked several part time jobs at once, and full time jobs at other times. I went to college part time, and some semesters not at all.
I found myself completely unprepared to succeed in college. I was unable to focus on my studies. I lacked the self-esteem to be a motivated, self-starter. Paying rent was my top priority and I knew nothing about grants or scholarships. I didn't trust the idea of asking for help, as asking for help had failed me before. I had the smarts for day-to-day survival, but did not know how to be an ambitious college student.
I left college with no degree. It didn't matter to me at the time, but 16 years later it's a little crushing.
It didn't matter back then because all I wanted was to be a wife and mother. I didn't care about a career. If I'm being completely honest, I didn't think I had anything to offer professionally. I knew I could be a good wife and mother - just do the opposite of my parents - but my image of myself said that I couldn't possibly contribute to anything professionally. I was just trash.
I'm almost 36 now, married and raising two little boys... I'm also trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up! I want to do something I care about. Work with abused children, or in child abuse prevention, or do fundraising for a worthwhile non-profit. These jobs require a degree; a Masters in some cases. So, my mind is completely overwhelmed with ideas of how to return to college. I'm more than a little out of practice when it comes to the classroom! And how do I fit college into my already busy life with two young children, volunteer work at school and church, a home to keep up and a husband that I want to spend time with?
As these thoughts have coursed through my brain over the last few months, I have fought back a few grief-filled tears. Sexual abuse not only pierces a person's body, but their mind and heart as well. Their life. You wouldn't be reading this if you didn't already know that... It's just so profoundly sad what childhood abuse can take away from a person.
I wouldn't change my life for anything... If I wasn't a wreck as a young girl, I might have made drastically different decisions and ended up in a completely different place than where I'm at. And I love where I'm at. I love my husband and kids and pretty much everything about our lives. I'm happy.
But, still, the suffering of children, young adults and grown men and women everywhere breaks my heart. Sexual abuse has the power to collide with and destroy every aspect of a person's life.
As I ponder that fact, my mind goes to children around the world, waiting in foster care or orphanages for forever families to love and care for them. These are children who have already been removed from their family's care, and often from their family's minds. These children have the odds stacked against them. They have every reason to struggle and fail as they move into adulthood; feeling abandoned, unloved and unworthy. I pray for their healing and restoration. I pray for loving families to intervene and give them their lives back.
It is not an overstatement to say that the losses caused by childhood abuse are profoundly sad. They are. But, I also know first hand that God is always present and in the middle of all things. He loves every single one of us. We were all made special and with a purpose. And He provides hope and healing.
"Even though you planned evil against me, God planned good to come out of it. This was to keep many people alive, as he is doing now." Genesis 50:20
Read Genesis chapters 37-50 for more from God's word about a family's betrayal and God's perfect provision and plan. Do you see any parallels between your life and Joseph's? Do you see God's hand?
But that does not always keep grief at bay.
For years my overwhelming feelings were anger, bitterness and rejection. I felt grief for the first time four years ago. It was freeing; comforting. I was able to feel grief because I was finally able to see, believe and process the losses in my life. Feeling grief involved recognizing that I was worthy. That I deserved more than the treatment I received from my parents.
Ever since that day four years ago, grief has been an occasional visitor. It most often comes when I marvel at something that my children have that I did not. You know - things as simple as childhood vacations or parents who volunteer in class. My grief is generally a fleeting emotion, but there just the same.
Grief is visiting right now.
My teen years were spent formulating an escape plan. I had to get out of my mother's abusive home the moment I graduated from high school. For a few years, I bounced between living arrangements with friends, worked several part time jobs at once, and full time jobs at other times. I went to college part time, and some semesters not at all.
I found myself completely unprepared to succeed in college. I was unable to focus on my studies. I lacked the self-esteem to be a motivated, self-starter. Paying rent was my top priority and I knew nothing about grants or scholarships. I didn't trust the idea of asking for help, as asking for help had failed me before. I had the smarts for day-to-day survival, but did not know how to be an ambitious college student.
I left college with no degree. It didn't matter to me at the time, but 16 years later it's a little crushing.
It didn't matter back then because all I wanted was to be a wife and mother. I didn't care about a career. If I'm being completely honest, I didn't think I had anything to offer professionally. I knew I could be a good wife and mother - just do the opposite of my parents - but my image of myself said that I couldn't possibly contribute to anything professionally. I was just trash.
I'm almost 36 now, married and raising two little boys... I'm also trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up! I want to do something I care about. Work with abused children, or in child abuse prevention, or do fundraising for a worthwhile non-profit. These jobs require a degree; a Masters in some cases. So, my mind is completely overwhelmed with ideas of how to return to college. I'm more than a little out of practice when it comes to the classroom! And how do I fit college into my already busy life with two young children, volunteer work at school and church, a home to keep up and a husband that I want to spend time with?
As these thoughts have coursed through my brain over the last few months, I have fought back a few grief-filled tears. Sexual abuse not only pierces a person's body, but their mind and heart as well. Their life. You wouldn't be reading this if you didn't already know that... It's just so profoundly sad what childhood abuse can take away from a person.
I wouldn't change my life for anything... If I wasn't a wreck as a young girl, I might have made drastically different decisions and ended up in a completely different place than where I'm at. And I love where I'm at. I love my husband and kids and pretty much everything about our lives. I'm happy.
But, still, the suffering of children, young adults and grown men and women everywhere breaks my heart. Sexual abuse has the power to collide with and destroy every aspect of a person's life.
As I ponder that fact, my mind goes to children around the world, waiting in foster care or orphanages for forever families to love and care for them. These are children who have already been removed from their family's care, and often from their family's minds. These children have the odds stacked against them. They have every reason to struggle and fail as they move into adulthood; feeling abandoned, unloved and unworthy. I pray for their healing and restoration. I pray for loving families to intervene and give them their lives back.
It is not an overstatement to say that the losses caused by childhood abuse are profoundly sad. They are. But, I also know first hand that God is always present and in the middle of all things. He loves every single one of us. We were all made special and with a purpose. And He provides hope and healing.
"Even though you planned evil against me, God planned good to come out of it. This was to keep many people alive, as he is doing now." Genesis 50:20
Read Genesis chapters 37-50 for more from God's word about a family's betrayal and God's perfect provision and plan. Do you see any parallels between your life and Joseph's? Do you see God's hand?
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Unit 7 Lesson 1, Healthy Expressions of Anger
I botched up my last post a little... I had our next unit wrong. Between blogging lessons here and beginning a brand new support group here in town, I opened up to the wrong place the other day. We have just finished the guilt & shame unit and are now moving onto feeling the anger and hurt. So, my last post was more of a wrap-up of the lesson as opposed to a kick-off! Sorry for any confusion.
Now for the correct lesson!
Focal passage and memory verse for Unit 7: "Be angry and yet do not sin." Ephesians 4:26
A young woman who had been a child victim of sexual abuse described how rejected and humiliated she felt as a young girl when the police came to her house. She said, "I had been walking home from school when a man approached who said he would give me candy. I never got candy, even though I went to the woods with him. He raped me. I was so sore, and blood was all over me. He tore my dress. A woman had seen me go with him, bu tit was over so quickly. My mother got real mad at me and kept saying, "How could you be so stupid as to go anywhere with a stranger?" With that statement, my mother gave me a good weapon to punish myself. I was so confused. I didn't think anything could feel worse than what he did to me, but this was worse. I thought, "She's right, my mom's right. Why did I go into the woods? I was stupid. I hate myself."
In this unit you will examine anger and hurt in the light of survivors...
Sara, a 25 yaer old woman, was expressing her feelings in a sexual abuse group. "I am angry at my brothers! I am angry at anyone who looks like my brothers! I am just angry!" For eight years Sara had been tormented by her brothers. She had been held down, tied up, and forced to imitate pornographic material. She described many humiliating and vicious acts perpetrated against her. Sara had begged her parents for help, but they ignored her pleas. She is very angry about what happened to her as a child.
Almost everyone would acknowledge the right of the victim to be angry about being abused. Yet many people feel uncomfortable allowing survivors the right to express their anger. All victims have anger and need to learn to express it appropriately - whether or not the person who committed the abuse, those who enabled the abuse, the church, or the world might be offended by the victim's anger.
As a general rule, expressing anger appropriately does not mean blowing up or throwing things. It never involves using any form of violence. In fact, these methods do not work and can become addictive behaviors leading to more emotional pain.
Most of the time expressing your anger appropriately means acknowledging, accepting, and expressing your anger in a mature and controlled manner. Sometimes recovery from abuse requires more intense expressions of anger and rage than would, in most situations, seem appropriate. You will learn some ways of channeling these intense feelings through this study. You can also ask your therapist to help you express and release these intense feelings.
In your journals, write words or phrases that describe how you typically express your anger.
Throw things. Yell. Stuff it inside. Write. Talk it out. Slam doors. Run. Curse. Control people. Control circumstances. Be a perfectionist. Be nice. Other??
Some of the responses above are more helpful than others. Writing and talking out anger will help you to clarify your feelings. Sometimes yelling, throwing things, and slamming doors does release some built-up tension. However, others may be in your path so be careful to determine whether your anger is being destructive to yourself or to others. You may not even realize when you are using behaviors such as controlling and perfectionism.
A Preliminary Word of Caution
Before you proceed with the main focus of this unit, consider this caution: If you cannot use restraint in expressing your anger and you may harm others or yourself, immediately seek the help of a professional. A qualified Christian counselor can help you to explore the factors that make it difficult for you to deal with anger constructively. Lack of proper rest, physical problems, improper diet, depression, or being overwhelmed by memories of abuse can all impair your ability to cope with anger.
If you are prone to outbursts, you may find it helpful to meditate on Galatians 5 and the Book of Proverbs. Try to recognize any behavior patterns in yourself that you learned from being around angry people. For example, if you had an explosive parent, you may be imitating his or her uncontrollable temper. If you get "too angry", you can delay your response to the source of your anger and remove yourself from the circumstances until you have received professional counseling.
In your journal, write a description of your behavior the last time you were very angry.
Be honest with yourself about your anger. If you need to seek help to control your anger, find a counselor or support group in your area.
Do you need professional help to deal with your anger? Why or why not?
Jane realized that she was taking her anger out on her husband and her children. She felt sad as she realized that she was building a wall between herself and her family. She determined to focus her hanger where it belonged. She began a feelings journal and started talking about her anger with her support group. (You are welcome to share your feelings in the comments on this blog, on the Facebook Fan Page or even in a private email to me, if you'd like.)
Give Yourself Permission to be Angry
Anger always will be expressed in some way. Either you express it appropriately or it seeps out in ways that damage you and others. Let's look at the need to give yourself permission to be angry. Some of you may laugh at this idea because you consider yourself and angry person, or others consider you to be angry. You may say, "I don't have any trouble being angry." The challenge lies in allowing yourself to give appropriate outward expression to the inner anger you feel toward those who abused you and those who made it possible for them to abuse you. Taking out your anger on yourself or on others who are not involved is not appropriate. Some of you shut down your anger a long time ago, and you wonder what it's like to feel angry.
At the end of this section you have the chance to make a list of everyone with whom you are angry. This list should include everyone from the actual people who abused you to all the people who allowed the abuse. People who enabled the abuse - some call co-perpetrators - include everyone who, by what the did or what they didn't do, allowed the abuse to happen or to continue. Those who enable abuse can include parents, siblings, teachers, pastors, and protective services... You may also need to consider your anger toward the legal system and even toward God.
The role of the legal system is particularly important if you were molested as a child. For example, many states require children as young as five years old to testify in front of their abusers. Victims who have experienced these types of circumstances have a great deal of anger about the way the legal system re-victimized them.
A 36 year old woman described the experience of reporting her second rape by the same man. She had not reported the first assault because she thought it would be better if no one knew, including her husband and family. But when she was raped a second time, she chose to tell her family and the police. Instead of help, however, she incurred accusations from them and eventually was encouraged by them to drop the charges.
Because of the deep hurt and anger involved, do not leave out any person, system or organization when you make your list of abusers and enablers. Don't be afraid to include God on your list. Virtually every victim feels great anger toward God. Later in this unit you will explore the issue of anger toward God. Cindy was so angry with God that she left he church for a few years and made a decision to be an atheist. Last, but certainly not least, make sure to include yourself. You probably have been beating yourself over the head for years anyway, so put yourself on the list. Take plenty of time and allow God to reveal everyone toward whom you feel anger. Don't misdirect that anger towards those not involved or toward yourself alone.
Make a list of every person who abused you, every person who enabled the abuse, and every organization or system that you feel has hurt you, let you down, or toward which you feel anger.
Make another list of people toward whom you feel angry because they didn't understand your pain or support you when they learned about the abuse.
Your list needs to include your abuser or abusers and others who enable the abuse. You may have also included friends, relatives, adn others who knew you at the time of the abuse. Most people also experience anger at God. Review your lists and add any people or organizations necessary.
Pray for yourself and other members of this online group.
Remember that ...
You can accept God's love and kindness.
The truth will set you free!
You are worthy and have God to lead you and comfort you.
You are clean.
You are wonderfully made.
You have permission to feel your anger and hurt.
Now for the correct lesson!
Focal passage and memory verse for Unit 7: "Be angry and yet do not sin." Ephesians 4:26
A young woman who had been a child victim of sexual abuse described how rejected and humiliated she felt as a young girl when the police came to her house. She said, "I had been walking home from school when a man approached who said he would give me candy. I never got candy, even though I went to the woods with him. He raped me. I was so sore, and blood was all over me. He tore my dress. A woman had seen me go with him, bu tit was over so quickly. My mother got real mad at me and kept saying, "How could you be so stupid as to go anywhere with a stranger?" With that statement, my mother gave me a good weapon to punish myself. I was so confused. I didn't think anything could feel worse than what he did to me, but this was worse. I thought, "She's right, my mom's right. Why did I go into the woods? I was stupid. I hate myself."
In this unit you will examine anger and hurt in the light of survivors...
Sara, a 25 yaer old woman, was expressing her feelings in a sexual abuse group. "I am angry at my brothers! I am angry at anyone who looks like my brothers! I am just angry!" For eight years Sara had been tormented by her brothers. She had been held down, tied up, and forced to imitate pornographic material. She described many humiliating and vicious acts perpetrated against her. Sara had begged her parents for help, but they ignored her pleas. She is very angry about what happened to her as a child.
Almost everyone would acknowledge the right of the victim to be angry about being abused. Yet many people feel uncomfortable allowing survivors the right to express their anger. All victims have anger and need to learn to express it appropriately - whether or not the person who committed the abuse, those who enabled the abuse, the church, or the world might be offended by the victim's anger.
As a general rule, expressing anger appropriately does not mean blowing up or throwing things. It never involves using any form of violence. In fact, these methods do not work and can become addictive behaviors leading to more emotional pain.
Most of the time expressing your anger appropriately means acknowledging, accepting, and expressing your anger in a mature and controlled manner. Sometimes recovery from abuse requires more intense expressions of anger and rage than would, in most situations, seem appropriate. You will learn some ways of channeling these intense feelings through this study. You can also ask your therapist to help you express and release these intense feelings.
In your journals, write words or phrases that describe how you typically express your anger.
Throw things. Yell. Stuff it inside. Write. Talk it out. Slam doors. Run. Curse. Control people. Control circumstances. Be a perfectionist. Be nice. Other??
Some of the responses above are more helpful than others. Writing and talking out anger will help you to clarify your feelings. Sometimes yelling, throwing things, and slamming doors does release some built-up tension. However, others may be in your path so be careful to determine whether your anger is being destructive to yourself or to others. You may not even realize when you are using behaviors such as controlling and perfectionism.
A Preliminary Word of Caution
Before you proceed with the main focus of this unit, consider this caution: If you cannot use restraint in expressing your anger and you may harm others or yourself, immediately seek the help of a professional. A qualified Christian counselor can help you to explore the factors that make it difficult for you to deal with anger constructively. Lack of proper rest, physical problems, improper diet, depression, or being overwhelmed by memories of abuse can all impair your ability to cope with anger.
If you are prone to outbursts, you may find it helpful to meditate on Galatians 5 and the Book of Proverbs. Try to recognize any behavior patterns in yourself that you learned from being around angry people. For example, if you had an explosive parent, you may be imitating his or her uncontrollable temper. If you get "too angry", you can delay your response to the source of your anger and remove yourself from the circumstances until you have received professional counseling.
In your journal, write a description of your behavior the last time you were very angry.
Be honest with yourself about your anger. If you need to seek help to control your anger, find a counselor or support group in your area.
Do you need professional help to deal with your anger? Why or why not?
Jane realized that she was taking her anger out on her husband and her children. She felt sad as she realized that she was building a wall between herself and her family. She determined to focus her hanger where it belonged. She began a feelings journal and started talking about her anger with her support group. (You are welcome to share your feelings in the comments on this blog, on the Facebook Fan Page or even in a private email to me, if you'd like.)
Give Yourself Permission to be Angry
Anger always will be expressed in some way. Either you express it appropriately or it seeps out in ways that damage you and others. Let's look at the need to give yourself permission to be angry. Some of you may laugh at this idea because you consider yourself and angry person, or others consider you to be angry. You may say, "I don't have any trouble being angry." The challenge lies in allowing yourself to give appropriate outward expression to the inner anger you feel toward those who abused you and those who made it possible for them to abuse you. Taking out your anger on yourself or on others who are not involved is not appropriate. Some of you shut down your anger a long time ago, and you wonder what it's like to feel angry.
At the end of this section you have the chance to make a list of everyone with whom you are angry. This list should include everyone from the actual people who abused you to all the people who allowed the abuse. People who enabled the abuse - some call co-perpetrators - include everyone who, by what the did or what they didn't do, allowed the abuse to happen or to continue. Those who enable abuse can include parents, siblings, teachers, pastors, and protective services... You may also need to consider your anger toward the legal system and even toward God.
The role of the legal system is particularly important if you were molested as a child. For example, many states require children as young as five years old to testify in front of their abusers. Victims who have experienced these types of circumstances have a great deal of anger about the way the legal system re-victimized them.
A 36 year old woman described the experience of reporting her second rape by the same man. She had not reported the first assault because she thought it would be better if no one knew, including her husband and family. But when she was raped a second time, she chose to tell her family and the police. Instead of help, however, she incurred accusations from them and eventually was encouraged by them to drop the charges.
Because of the deep hurt and anger involved, do not leave out any person, system or organization when you make your list of abusers and enablers. Don't be afraid to include God on your list. Virtually every victim feels great anger toward God. Later in this unit you will explore the issue of anger toward God. Cindy was so angry with God that she left he church for a few years and made a decision to be an atheist. Last, but certainly not least, make sure to include yourself. You probably have been beating yourself over the head for years anyway, so put yourself on the list. Take plenty of time and allow God to reveal everyone toward whom you feel anger. Don't misdirect that anger towards those not involved or toward yourself alone.
Make a list of every person who abused you, every person who enabled the abuse, and every organization or system that you feel has hurt you, let you down, or toward which you feel anger.
Make another list of people toward whom you feel angry because they didn't understand your pain or support you when they learned about the abuse.
Your list needs to include your abuser or abusers and others who enable the abuse. You may have also included friends, relatives, adn others who knew you at the time of the abuse. Most people also experience anger at God. Review your lists and add any people or organizations necessary.
Pray for yourself and other members of this online group.
Remember that ...
You can accept God's love and kindness.
The truth will set you free!
You are worthy and have God to lead you and comfort you.
You are clean.
You are wonderfully made.
You have permission to feel your anger and hurt.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Got guilt?
I've talked with several girlfriends lately who are struggling with guilt... Mommy guilt. Survivor's guilt. All sorts of guilt. I've written this post in my head a couple of times, but didn't know for sure if I'd actually publish it until I cracked open my Shelter book a few minutes ago. I was prepared to get started on Unit 6, but when I saw the title I felt like perhaps I'm meant to prime your hearts a little first....
The title is "Letting Go of Shame and Guilt."
That said... I'm going to kick the unit off with this blog post about my girlfriends' struggles with guilt. It is often easier to see wrong-thinking in others - you know, that whole objectivity thing...
My precious friend has cancer. At diagnosis, she had it in four different spots in her abdomen and chest. She has cancer, no question. She's been going through chemo treatments for a few months now. She was told to expect a great deal of nausea, complete hair loss right away, and dramatic weight loss. She has undergone a few surgeries, had a port placed inside her chest, has received a few blood transfusions, is receiving daily shots in her stomach to prevent blood clots, and has at least one medical appointment every single week. She has not experienced terrible nausea; however, she is certainly not feeling completely well. She is not completely bald, but she has lost more than half of her hair. And, rather than lose weight, she has gained it! Her doctor has suggested she limit her diet even more than it's already been limited (due to bacterial concerns, there are certain fruits and veggies that were stricken from her diet months ago). My friend is suffering... She is self-conscious about her hair loss. She is tired and doesn't feel well. She nervously awaits test results like every other cancer patient. She has scars and bruising and an device implanted into her chest. She is self-conscious about her weight gain. She has an emotional need to talk to other cancer survivors, but she feels "guilty" because she hasn't suffered the darkest extremes of the typical side effects. She keeps saying, "It could be so much worse. I really shouldn't be complaining." She is minimizing what she is going through, merely because "it could be worse". Out of guilt, she is not allowing herself to reach out to other cancer survivors for support.
I have another dear friend who is a working mom. Like every other good mother, she readily sacrifices at every turn to meet the needs of her children. She prepares well-balanced meals, does homework with them, plays with them, knows all of their friends and their friends' families. She never misses an appointment or activity. She nourishes them in every way. Her kids love her and she loves them. The kids know they are well-loved, but their mother beats herself up because she has to work. It crushes me every time she says, "Stay-at-home-moms are the best! Such good moms. I'm just not as good a mom because I work!" She is totally blaming herself and finding herself guilty of failure merely because she has to work. She should ask her kids - they will tell her the truth.
And one last friend who's been on my mind is the mother of a child born with a medical condition. While pregnant she took her vitamins, ate well, got some exercise... Did everything that an expectant mother can do to ensure the health and wellness of her baby. When her daughter was diagnosed with her condition, the mother's first words were, "What did I do wrong?" And even as my friend explained her daughters condition to me (years after diagnosis), the mother still used the words "....it's just something I passed on. Something I must have or carry or did." Let me tell you - this mother did NOTHING wrong. Frankly, if we believe the words of our Heavenly Father, we are assured that this precious little girl's creation was His doing. "You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb." Psalm 139:13. And while we may not know or understand exactly what His plan is, we are assured that he has a plan and that it is perfect. "For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 My dear friend did nothing to cause her daughter to be born with this condition, but she blames herself.
As we get ready to start this unit on letting go of shame and guilt, I want to encourage you to pray through your own thoughts and beliefs. Listen closely to the words that you say. Hold them up to the light of God's truth. How do your beliefs about yourself measure up? Where do you see wrong-thinking? Do you need to let go of shame and guilt?
The title is "Letting Go of Shame and Guilt."
That said... I'm going to kick the unit off with this blog post about my girlfriends' struggles with guilt. It is often easier to see wrong-thinking in others - you know, that whole objectivity thing...
My precious friend has cancer. At diagnosis, she had it in four different spots in her abdomen and chest. She has cancer, no question. She's been going through chemo treatments for a few months now. She was told to expect a great deal of nausea, complete hair loss right away, and dramatic weight loss. She has undergone a few surgeries, had a port placed inside her chest, has received a few blood transfusions, is receiving daily shots in her stomach to prevent blood clots, and has at least one medical appointment every single week. She has not experienced terrible nausea; however, she is certainly not feeling completely well. She is not completely bald, but she has lost more than half of her hair. And, rather than lose weight, she has gained it! Her doctor has suggested she limit her diet even more than it's already been limited (due to bacterial concerns, there are certain fruits and veggies that were stricken from her diet months ago). My friend is suffering... She is self-conscious about her hair loss. She is tired and doesn't feel well. She nervously awaits test results like every other cancer patient. She has scars and bruising and an device implanted into her chest. She is self-conscious about her weight gain. She has an emotional need to talk to other cancer survivors, but she feels "guilty" because she hasn't suffered the darkest extremes of the typical side effects. She keeps saying, "It could be so much worse. I really shouldn't be complaining." She is minimizing what she is going through, merely because "it could be worse". Out of guilt, she is not allowing herself to reach out to other cancer survivors for support.
I have another dear friend who is a working mom. Like every other good mother, she readily sacrifices at every turn to meet the needs of her children. She prepares well-balanced meals, does homework with them, plays with them, knows all of their friends and their friends' families. She never misses an appointment or activity. She nourishes them in every way. Her kids love her and she loves them. The kids know they are well-loved, but their mother beats herself up because she has to work. It crushes me every time she says, "Stay-at-home-moms are the best! Such good moms. I'm just not as good a mom because I work!" She is totally blaming herself and finding herself guilty of failure merely because she has to work. She should ask her kids - they will tell her the truth.
And one last friend who's been on my mind is the mother of a child born with a medical condition. While pregnant she took her vitamins, ate well, got some exercise... Did everything that an expectant mother can do to ensure the health and wellness of her baby. When her daughter was diagnosed with her condition, the mother's first words were, "What did I do wrong?" And even as my friend explained her daughters condition to me (years after diagnosis), the mother still used the words "....it's just something I passed on. Something I must have or carry or did." Let me tell you - this mother did NOTHING wrong. Frankly, if we believe the words of our Heavenly Father, we are assured that this precious little girl's creation was His doing. "You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb." Psalm 139:13. And while we may not know or understand exactly what His plan is, we are assured that he has a plan and that it is perfect. "For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 My dear friend did nothing to cause her daughter to be born with this condition, but she blames herself.
As we get ready to start this unit on letting go of shame and guilt, I want to encourage you to pray through your own thoughts and beliefs. Listen closely to the words that you say. Hold them up to the light of God's truth. How do your beliefs about yourself measure up? Where do you see wrong-thinking? Do you need to let go of shame and guilt?
Friday, February 19, 2010
We can be victorious!
Kelly's Korner is doing a blog carnival today called Show Us Your Ministry. I am so happy to be a part of this, and I warmly welcome Kelly's readers to Victory Over Sexual Abuse.
You are either a survivor of sexual abuse or you know someone who is. It's true - 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys is sexually abused before their 18th birthday. Most suffer in silence.
The entire purpose for this blog - the mission for the Victory Over Sexual Abuse ministry - is to provide hope and encouragement to survivors of sexual abuse and the people who care about them.
The recovery process is long and difficult. But, more than that, it is life-giving. Changing. Healing. Empowering.
"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10
On my journey, I have traveled from a life of painful, shameful isolation and brokenness, to a place of joy, peace, love and acceptance. I have found purpose and wholeness. I have been renewed.
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18
At Victory Over Sexual Abuse, you will find the lessons from the workbook that we use in our local support groups, as well as pieces of my personal recovery journey. It is my heart's desire to share this with survivors and support people alike. The work of recovery can only be done by the survivor, but support people are a critical component in healing. Never underestimate the power of a support person's availability, affirmation, prayer and encouragement.
I welcome you, the survivor, and the survivor's friend! Read on... Take in the tools for the survivor, the tips for the support person, and the child abuse prevention and response information for everyone.
Bookmark this blog, become a follower or become a fan on Facebook. Let's have discussions in the comments! And, please, tell your friends -- since most survivors suffer in silence, you truly do not know who among you might need this.
To Kelly, all of my amazingly supportive friends, my husband and kids, and every other support person out there -- from the bottom of my heart, thank you. Your acceptance, care and concern are such an encouragement. As I have walked this amazing journey in ministry with other survivors, we have often been carried by your prayers and kind words. You are such a blessing.
And Jesus said "...Whenever you did one of these things to someone overlooked or ignored, that was me—you did it to me." Matthew 25:40
To the survivor, I pray that you will find this to be a safe place of hope and encouragement. I pray that you will shed the lies and discover the truth. You are loved. You are special. You are worthy. A crime was committed against you. You are not guilty. It was not your fault. It did happen. You can tell the truth. There is hope. You can heal. You are not alone. The list goes on...
"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Matthew 25:40
As I think about each of you visiting right now, I am reminded that God uses all things for His glory and that only He can bring such beauty from ashes. I am deeply grateful for his loving provision and healing hand. I sit in awe of my Heavenly Father.
You are either a survivor of sexual abuse or you know someone who is. It's true - 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys is sexually abused before their 18th birthday. Most suffer in silence.
The entire purpose for this blog - the mission for the Victory Over Sexual Abuse ministry - is to provide hope and encouragement to survivors of sexual abuse and the people who care about them.
The recovery process is long and difficult. But, more than that, it is life-giving. Changing. Healing. Empowering.
"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10
On my journey, I have traveled from a life of painful, shameful isolation and brokenness, to a place of joy, peace, love and acceptance. I have found purpose and wholeness. I have been renewed.
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18
At Victory Over Sexual Abuse, you will find the lessons from the workbook that we use in our local support groups, as well as pieces of my personal recovery journey. It is my heart's desire to share this with survivors and support people alike. The work of recovery can only be done by the survivor, but support people are a critical component in healing. Never underestimate the power of a support person's availability, affirmation, prayer and encouragement.
I welcome you, the survivor, and the survivor's friend! Read on... Take in the tools for the survivor, the tips for the support person, and the child abuse prevention and response information for everyone.
Bookmark this blog, become a follower or become a fan on Facebook. Let's have discussions in the comments! And, please, tell your friends -- since most survivors suffer in silence, you truly do not know who among you might need this.
To Kelly, all of my amazingly supportive friends, my husband and kids, and every other support person out there -- from the bottom of my heart, thank you. Your acceptance, care and concern are such an encouragement. As I have walked this amazing journey in ministry with other survivors, we have often been carried by your prayers and kind words. You are such a blessing.
And Jesus said "...Whenever you did one of these things to someone overlooked or ignored, that was me—you did it to me." Matthew 25:40
To the survivor, I pray that you will find this to be a safe place of hope and encouragement. I pray that you will shed the lies and discover the truth. You are loved. You are special. You are worthy. A crime was committed against you. You are not guilty. It was not your fault. It did happen. You can tell the truth. There is hope. You can heal. You are not alone. The list goes on...
"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Matthew 25:40
As I think about each of you visiting right now, I am reminded that God uses all things for His glory and that only He can bring such beauty from ashes. I am deeply grateful for his loving provision and healing hand. I sit in awe of my Heavenly Father.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
The pain is the same
I often hear things along these lines... "My childhood abuse was so horrendous, no one can relate to me" or "I was only abused a couple of times - nothing like his/her lifetime of abuse - I feel ashamed for making my abuse such a big deal. I don't have the right to be in the same group with him/her!"
In both cases, we are isolating and even shaming ourselves.
Don't be fooled, friends. That is not God talking! He does not operate through guilt, shame or isolation.
The pain of sexual abuse is the same and we are all equally deserving of recovery! No two people will share the exact same story or experiences, but the wounds are the same. The girl who was raped repeatedly by her father shares the exact same violation to her heart as the boy who was fondled by a neighbor.
Some of us have more areas of violation than others. It is undoubtedly an added tragedy when abuse happens at the hands of a family member, or when people turn a blind eye to abuse and allow it to happen. It is crushing when responsible adults choose to silence a victim, rather than advocate for justice and support their healing journey. And certainly grave circumstances like abductions or ritual abuse is unthinkable. There are countless acts that compound the pain of sexual abuse; and these violations absolutely add another layer of wounding. But hear me on this - it does not diminish what anyone else has been through, nor does it separate us one from the other. We are all survivors of sexual abuse and that pain is the same.
Satan works through shame and guilt. He will tell you that you are undeserving of counseling / a support group / even your pain because "It could have been so much worse... Compared to someone else, you really didn't suffer all that much... You have so much to be grateful for, why are you focused on something that happened 30 years ago?" Satan wants you to be stuck, alone, feeling miserable.
Don't guilt, shame or isolate yourself any longer. The details of abuse are not the issue - the state of your heart is. Embrace that truth and take the bold step of walking into recovery. You deserve it!
In both cases, we are isolating and even shaming ourselves.
Don't be fooled, friends. That is not God talking! He does not operate through guilt, shame or isolation.
The pain of sexual abuse is the same and we are all equally deserving of recovery! No two people will share the exact same story or experiences, but the wounds are the same. The girl who was raped repeatedly by her father shares the exact same violation to her heart as the boy who was fondled by a neighbor.
Some of us have more areas of violation than others. It is undoubtedly an added tragedy when abuse happens at the hands of a family member, or when people turn a blind eye to abuse and allow it to happen. It is crushing when responsible adults choose to silence a victim, rather than advocate for justice and support their healing journey. And certainly grave circumstances like abductions or ritual abuse is unthinkable. There are countless acts that compound the pain of sexual abuse; and these violations absolutely add another layer of wounding. But hear me on this - it does not diminish what anyone else has been through, nor does it separate us one from the other. We are all survivors of sexual abuse and that pain is the same.
Satan works through shame and guilt. He will tell you that you are undeserving of counseling / a support group / even your pain because "It could have been so much worse... Compared to someone else, you really didn't suffer all that much... You have so much to be grateful for, why are you focused on something that happened 30 years ago?" Satan wants you to be stuck, alone, feeling miserable.
Don't guilt, shame or isolate yourself any longer. The details of abuse are not the issue - the state of your heart is. Embrace that truth and take the bold step of walking into recovery. You deserve it!
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Unit 6 Lesson 5, The Potter's Hand
The book of Jeremiah records an important story that applies to sexual abuse. God sent Jeremiah to observe a potter at work. The potter was making a pot, but he discovered a flaw. Possibly the potter allowed his hand to slip, knocking the pot off center on the wheel. At any rate, the pot was damaged. So the potter remade the pot into another vessel.
"But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him." Jeremiah 18:4
Just as a pot can be damaged by the action of the potter, sexual abuse victims have been marred by the actions of abusers. Teh abuser shapes a vessel that is full of shame, guilt, fear and despair.
Then God spoke to Jeremiah and gave the second half of the picture. He said, "'Oh house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter has done?' declares the Lord. 'Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in My hand, O house of Israel.'" Jeremiah 18:6
When a pot has been damaged, the potter does not throw away the clay. The potter reuses and reshapes the clay into a new vessel. God said that just as the potter can use the damaged clay, He can make something beautiful from the ruins of our lives. Contrast Jeremiah 18:4 and a passage that you have read previously.... Psalm 139:14 states, "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."
In your journal, write two lists. Compare what you feel about yourself, or what you felt about yourself before beginning recovery, with Psalm 139:114. Do you feel that you are "fearfully and wonderfully made" or do you feel that you are "damaged goods"?
Fill in the blanks:
1. What I have felt about myself:
2. What the Scripture says about me:
People injure us when the abuse us, but God is the true Potter who takes the damaged clay and makes it into a beautiful vase. Let God make you aware that you were created to be a vase full of life, full of value, full of worth. You can recover as you allow God to remake you according to His plan.
Leave You Burden with the Perpetrator
Shame and guilt are both tremendously destructive. To restore your life, you may need to forgive yourself for your own sinful choices. Please do it. Be cautious, however, to leave the shame and responsibility of sexual abuse with the person who abused you. Most of us felt the need to seek God's forgiveness for our abuse as well as from choices that we had made based o our faulty thinking. For us to ask for and accept God's forgiveness for our wrong choices is appropriate. For us to see forgiveness for what others have done to us is fruitless. You need not seek forgiveness for someone else's actions.
In the paragraph above you read about two kinds of forgiveness most of us feel the need to seek. From your life experience, name at least one example of each.
1. An example of my abuse (for which I do not need to be forgiven) is:
2. An example of a bad choice I made based on my wrong thinking is:
Many of us are accomplished self-guilt artists. For the first response you may have listed any of the actions of your abuser or of those people who aggravated the abuse by their actions or their inaction. For the second response, many of us have made wrong choices in dating or other relationships. We sometimes have been vindictive, or critical, or defensive. We need forgiveness for our choices.
"For you, Oh Lord, are good and ready to forgive [our trespasses - sending them away, letting them go completely and forever] and you are abundant in mercy and lovely riches to all those who call upon you." Psalm 86:5
In your journal, as an act of faith, please write: "I thank you, Lord Jesus for your willingness to forgive my sins by sending them away, letting them go completely and forever." Feel free to journal in detail the sins He has forgiven.
You are the victim of another person's sin. If you had been shot by a bank robber and you had been paralyzed for life, you would be a victim of the person's crime and sin. there would be no reason for shame or guilt on your part.
Many times we feel false guilt because we think our actions caused the abuse. Sometimes the fact that we have made bad choices adds to the problem. In the case of the bank robbery, suppose you had slipped away from the office during working hours, against company policy, to cash a check. You would be guilty of violating company rules, bu tnot of wanting to be shot!
If some negligence of action on your part contributed to your sexual abuse, describe that negligence or action in your journal.
Did you, by that action or inaction, desire to be sexually abused?
Did you commit the crime by sexually abusing yourself or did someone else commit the abuse? (Yes, the question seems ridiculous.).... What is your answer? I did it - OR - The perpetrator did it.
If you committed some indiscretion - whether great or small in your eyes - confess that action or negligence. God forgives lavishly and freely. But just as in the example of the person who was shot during the bank robbery, leave the perpetrator's guilt with the perpetrator, and leave any guilt that belongs to the enablers or co-perpetrators with them.
Exercises for forgiveness
Because we so frequently carry a load of guilt, some of it appropriate but most of it false, we usually need to work through our guilt issues. The following exercises will help you to sort out the appropriate and the inappropriate guilt surrounding your abuse.
In your journal, describe anything surrounding your abuse about which you need to be forgiven.
Carolyn was only five years old when her parents left her alone and told her not to leave the house. She was afraid, so she walked down the street to her uncle's home. Her uncle sexually abused Carolyn. For the next 40 years Carolyn blamed herself for the abuse. She believe that, because she disobeyed her parents, she was to blame for the aubse.
Perhaps you have been carrying a weight of guilt and anger toward yourself for being drunk, disobeying your parents, or just using poor judgment about where to be. None of these mean you were responsible for the abuse. However, you may need to ask God to forgive you and you may need to forgive yourself for your poor judgment before you continue to recover.
In your journal, describe any choices that you may have made based on faulty thinking as a result of the abuse.
You may have described your difficulty relating to authority figures because of an abusive parent, or the consequences in your life caused by maintaining the secret. You may have made poor choices as a result of poor boundaries. Many survivors become sexually promiscuous as a result of the abuse. One woman in recovery reported that she just recently had her first date ever that did not end in bed. She said she simply did not know she had the right to say no to sexual advances. Blaming ourselves for our poor choices will not help, but we do need to ask and accept forgiveness so we can move forward with our lives.
In the Old Testament we find that people suffered the consequences of the sins of others as we do today. God, however, responds with a plan to redeem the victim of abuse.
"They sinned against Me: I will change their glory into shame." Hosea 4:7
Hosea 4:7 is about the priests who were abusing their office and the people. They were haughty and proud, but God promised to place the shame where it belonged - with the abuser rather than the victims. The sexual abuser sins not only against the victim, but also against God. The shame belongs to the person who committed the abuse.
In Isaiah 54:4, God speaks to His people using the imagery of a barren woman. What He says speaks to the victim of sexual abuse as well. Write down any word or phrase that gives you hope.
"Fear not, for you will not be put to shame;
And do not feel humiliated, for you will not be disgraced;
But you will forget the shame of your youth,
And the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more.
"For your husband is your Maker,
Whose name is the LORD of hosts;
And your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel,
Who is called the God of all the earth.
"For the LORD has called you..."
Isaiah 54:4-6
Give yourself and God the time to complete the good work He has started in you. This is a very difficult and painful part of your recovery. It may take a long time. But please try to remember that even in the valley, God is with you. He will redeem the time. You can draw strength from God's promises in Isaiah 54:4, "fear not for you will not be put to shame ... humiliated ... [or] disgraced ... you will forget the shame of your youth."
In your journal, complete the following sentences, keeping in mind that God sees you from a different perspective than you see yourself right now. Let God redefine how you see yourself. If necessary, review this unit and your work thus far in Shelter.
For the Lord has called me...
In the Lord's eyes I am...
For the Lord has called me...
In the Lord's eyes I am...
For the Lord has called me...
In the Lord's eyes I am...
We pray that you were able to include words like beautifully and wonderfully made, His daughter/son, clean, worthy of love, to be healed, to be free from shame and guilt.
Many prayers for your continued recovery! I am so proud of you.
"But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him." Jeremiah 18:4
Just as a pot can be damaged by the action of the potter, sexual abuse victims have been marred by the actions of abusers. Teh abuser shapes a vessel that is full of shame, guilt, fear and despair.
Then God spoke to Jeremiah and gave the second half of the picture. He said, "'Oh house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter has done?' declares the Lord. 'Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in My hand, O house of Israel.'" Jeremiah 18:6
When a pot has been damaged, the potter does not throw away the clay. The potter reuses and reshapes the clay into a new vessel. God said that just as the potter can use the damaged clay, He can make something beautiful from the ruins of our lives. Contrast Jeremiah 18:4 and a passage that you have read previously.... Psalm 139:14 states, "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."
In your journal, write two lists. Compare what you feel about yourself, or what you felt about yourself before beginning recovery, with Psalm 139:114. Do you feel that you are "fearfully and wonderfully made" or do you feel that you are "damaged goods"?
Fill in the blanks:
1. What I have felt about myself:
2. What the Scripture says about me:
People injure us when the abuse us, but God is the true Potter who takes the damaged clay and makes it into a beautiful vase. Let God make you aware that you were created to be a vase full of life, full of value, full of worth. You can recover as you allow God to remake you according to His plan.
Leave You Burden with the Perpetrator
Shame and guilt are both tremendously destructive. To restore your life, you may need to forgive yourself for your own sinful choices. Please do it. Be cautious, however, to leave the shame and responsibility of sexual abuse with the person who abused you. Most of us felt the need to seek God's forgiveness for our abuse as well as from choices that we had made based o our faulty thinking. For us to ask for and accept God's forgiveness for our wrong choices is appropriate. For us to see forgiveness for what others have done to us is fruitless. You need not seek forgiveness for someone else's actions.
In the paragraph above you read about two kinds of forgiveness most of us feel the need to seek. From your life experience, name at least one example of each.
1. An example of my abuse (for which I do not need to be forgiven) is:
2. An example of a bad choice I made based on my wrong thinking is:
Many of us are accomplished self-guilt artists. For the first response you may have listed any of the actions of your abuser or of those people who aggravated the abuse by their actions or their inaction. For the second response, many of us have made wrong choices in dating or other relationships. We sometimes have been vindictive, or critical, or defensive. We need forgiveness for our choices.
"For you, Oh Lord, are good and ready to forgive [our trespasses - sending them away, letting them go completely and forever] and you are abundant in mercy and lovely riches to all those who call upon you." Psalm 86:5
In your journal, as an act of faith, please write: "I thank you, Lord Jesus for your willingness to forgive my sins by sending them away, letting them go completely and forever." Feel free to journal in detail the sins He has forgiven.
You are the victim of another person's sin. If you had been shot by a bank robber and you had been paralyzed for life, you would be a victim of the person's crime and sin. there would be no reason for shame or guilt on your part.
Many times we feel false guilt because we think our actions caused the abuse. Sometimes the fact that we have made bad choices adds to the problem. In the case of the bank robbery, suppose you had slipped away from the office during working hours, against company policy, to cash a check. You would be guilty of violating company rules, bu tnot of wanting to be shot!
If some negligence of action on your part contributed to your sexual abuse, describe that negligence or action in your journal.
Did you, by that action or inaction, desire to be sexually abused?
Did you commit the crime by sexually abusing yourself or did someone else commit the abuse? (Yes, the question seems ridiculous.).... What is your answer? I did it - OR - The perpetrator did it.
If you committed some indiscretion - whether great or small in your eyes - confess that action or negligence. God forgives lavishly and freely. But just as in the example of the person who was shot during the bank robbery, leave the perpetrator's guilt with the perpetrator, and leave any guilt that belongs to the enablers or co-perpetrators with them.
Exercises for forgiveness
Because we so frequently carry a load of guilt, some of it appropriate but most of it false, we usually need to work through our guilt issues. The following exercises will help you to sort out the appropriate and the inappropriate guilt surrounding your abuse.
In your journal, describe anything surrounding your abuse about which you need to be forgiven.
Carolyn was only five years old when her parents left her alone and told her not to leave the house. She was afraid, so she walked down the street to her uncle's home. Her uncle sexually abused Carolyn. For the next 40 years Carolyn blamed herself for the abuse. She believe that, because she disobeyed her parents, she was to blame for the aubse.
Perhaps you have been carrying a weight of guilt and anger toward yourself for being drunk, disobeying your parents, or just using poor judgment about where to be. None of these mean you were responsible for the abuse. However, you may need to ask God to forgive you and you may need to forgive yourself for your poor judgment before you continue to recover.
In your journal, describe any choices that you may have made based on faulty thinking as a result of the abuse.
You may have described your difficulty relating to authority figures because of an abusive parent, or the consequences in your life caused by maintaining the secret. You may have made poor choices as a result of poor boundaries. Many survivors become sexually promiscuous as a result of the abuse. One woman in recovery reported that she just recently had her first date ever that did not end in bed. She said she simply did not know she had the right to say no to sexual advances. Blaming ourselves for our poor choices will not help, but we do need to ask and accept forgiveness so we can move forward with our lives.
In the Old Testament we find that people suffered the consequences of the sins of others as we do today. God, however, responds with a plan to redeem the victim of abuse.
"They sinned against Me: I will change their glory into shame." Hosea 4:7
Hosea 4:7 is about the priests who were abusing their office and the people. They were haughty and proud, but God promised to place the shame where it belonged - with the abuser rather than the victims. The sexual abuser sins not only against the victim, but also against God. The shame belongs to the person who committed the abuse.
In Isaiah 54:4, God speaks to His people using the imagery of a barren woman. What He says speaks to the victim of sexual abuse as well. Write down any word or phrase that gives you hope.
"Fear not, for you will not be put to shame;
And do not feel humiliated, for you will not be disgraced;
But you will forget the shame of your youth,
And the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more.
"For your husband is your Maker,
Whose name is the LORD of hosts;
And your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel,
Who is called the God of all the earth.
"For the LORD has called you..."
Isaiah 54:4-6
Give yourself and God the time to complete the good work He has started in you. This is a very difficult and painful part of your recovery. It may take a long time. But please try to remember that even in the valley, God is with you. He will redeem the time. You can draw strength from God's promises in Isaiah 54:4, "fear not for you will not be put to shame ... humiliated ... [or] disgraced ... you will forget the shame of your youth."
In your journal, complete the following sentences, keeping in mind that God sees you from a different perspective than you see yourself right now. Let God redefine how you see yourself. If necessary, review this unit and your work thus far in Shelter.
For the Lord has called me...
In the Lord's eyes I am...
For the Lord has called me...
In the Lord's eyes I am...
For the Lord has called me...
In the Lord's eyes I am...
We pray that you were able to include words like beautifully and wonderfully made, His daughter/son, clean, worthy of love, to be healed, to be free from shame and guilt.
Many prayers for your continued recovery! I am so proud of you.
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