Victory Over Sexual Abuse: "I want to punch them"

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

"I want to punch them"

Out of the blue, my 6 1/2 year old son says, "Hey, Mom, do you ever want to talk to your dads?" Having no idea where this came from or where it was headed, I gently answered, "No, not really." He replied, "Really? Never? You never want to talk to your dads? You never wonder what they're doing and want to talk to them?" My husband was driving, so I was able to turn my head enough to make eye contact and explain again...

"My first dad abandoned me when I was a baby. I found him when I was 26 and spent a weekend with him at his mom's house. After that weekend, I called him a lot, and sent mail and email and he never responded. He didn't want anything to do with me. He doesn't love me like a Daddy should, so I've had to move on with my life without him. My second dad adopted me when I was really young, but he didn't treat me right. He abused me terribly and touched my body in ways that no child should ever be touched... I told my mom about it when I was eight years old, but she never made him stop. The abuse lasted until I was old enough to make it stop myself at age 15 1/2, and then a judge told him when I was 16 that he couldn't see me anymore and he told me that I was freed from his abuse. The touching hurt my body, but more than that, the way my mom and dads treated me hurt my feelings and my heart. I carried that pain with me every single day until I was almost 30 years old, when God really started to help me feel better. To this day, my mom and my second dad won't take responsibility for what they did, and sometimes my mother even says it was all my fault. They don't love me the way a Mommy or Daddy should, so I don't really ever think about wanting to call them just to chat."

I was not teary-eyed or angry as I spoke... I was calm, truthful and reassuring to him that these are things that his Mommy and Daddy would never, ever do. When I stopped talking, he replied, "I want to punch them."

I had to turn away then, because my eyes were immediately filled with tears. This was only the second time anyone ever expressed anger over what happened to me. The first was my husband... God really blessed me with my husband and sons. They really know how to wrap their arms and hearts around me and love me into wholeness.

As I quietly cried, my husband jumped in and talked with our sons about forgiveness and surrendering everything - good and bad - to God. Isn't it amazing how God provides, day in and day out? He never leaves us or forsakes us. He has, without question, provided my guys to me as a gift. They help me to recover more every day.

"Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, "I will take revenge; I will pay them back," says the LORD." Romans 12:19

3 comments:

Unknown said...: What an inspiring post. My boys have often said things along those lines as well. It's sad that we have to expose them to what truthful pains we've experienced, yet it makes them become better men as they grow up.

Thank you for sharing this incredible story.; March 24, 2010 at 1:55 PM
Malefic said...: I wish I could believe in something the way you do. It's inspiring but I'm unlikely to do anything with the inspiration you have given me because I love my negativity far too much.; March 27, 2010 at 1:47 AM
Anonymous said...: I find it very disturbing that you've discussed it with your 6 and a half year old son. At such a tender age, you must have confused him terribly.Obviously, he's very angry.....hence wanting to punch them,but you're telling him to forgive cos "God" said so.....more confusing.Surely the best way to protect your boy would be to just give him a loving protective environment in which to grow up instead of frazzling his brain with a load of religious claptrap; August 3, 2011 at 4:41 AM

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Online recovery study

I lead support groups and have decided to take the information from the support groups and "teach" it here too. I will blog each lesson, give you time to think about it, comment if you'd like, email me privately, whatever works for you. It is always helpful to hear from others who are going through the same thing, so in the interest of supporting and encouraging each other, please consider sharing your experiences in the comments. You may do so anonymously if you'd like.

The workbook we are using is Shelter From The Storm by Cynthia Kubetin-Littlefield and James Mallory.

**Much of the content in the lesson postings is derived from, and even directly quoted at times, Shelter From The Storm. My personal comments are mine, but the process laid out here is from the book. I am merely a fellow survivor and lesson facilitator - NOT the author or creator.**

Why this blog?

I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. The daughter of an absent father who was brutally addicted to drugs and alcohol. The daughter of a woman suffering from diagnosed but untreated mental illnesses.

The "signs" of abuse and neglect started showing around age 8, but even I didn't recognize them until I was in my later 20's. I was very lonely, ashamed and embarrassed. I didn't know how to be in relationships and thought I was destined to be all alone, rejected and unloved. I tried desperately to "earn" people's love and acceptance, but pushed them away at the same time... For so long, so many people brushed aside what I'd been through, wishing I was lower maintenance and not who I really was - someone who'd been neglected and abused by her parents, a person who was completely changed by another person's failures and sin, someone who needed to be rebuilt, not cast aside or taken advantage of because she was broken.

I began to heal when I was finally loved unconditionally - first by my husband, then our firstborn child, then the Lord. My life was turned upside down - in a wonderful way - when I discovered that I am not the "orphan" I had felt like for so very long. I have a heavenly father!

I also discovered that what man means for evil, God will use to glorify him. What devastated me for many years is now something I draw on to help others as I lead support groups, talk to groups, and blog about the realities of sexual abuse and the hope there is for a complete recovery. I consider it a tremendous privilege to be able to share my experiences with you; hopefully encouraging you on your road to recovery. If you are not a survivor of sexual abuse, I invite you to stick around and read on. It is my hope and prayer that through this blog, you will learn more about how you can support a survivor in your life. Thank you for visiting.