Unit 1 Lesson 5, Help in the Storm Part 2

This lesson pretty much reiterates the previous 4 lessons, so I'm going to wrap it up by reminding you that recovery from sexual abuse is a process and takes time. What likely took years to develop will also take a considerable amount of time to resolve.

For many, the most difficult part of recovery will be to rely on others. During the countless discussions I've had with other survivors, I've learned that most of us keep ourselves busy helping and serving others. (Sound familiar?) As long as we are serving others, we are in control and our focus is on their problems and not our own. But it is time to deal with our problems and choose a lighter load. It's difficult to open ourselves up to needing and accepting others' help, but it is necessary to fully recover.

We can find shelter from this storm through family, friends, our spouse and God. What we must acknowledge is that our sexual abuse is not just our problem. It effects everyone around us and we can all choose to recover.

What do you need from your support people?

Support, acceptance, love, time, understanding, interest, forgiveness, help, belief, prayers, encouragement, hope, honor, trust, validation, loyalty, concern, physical affection, priority, care, a listening ear, someone who will talk about it, a shoulder to cry on? Create your list!

Do you have people in your life who are already doing these things? If you do, these may be very good sources of support as you take this recovery journey. Reach out to them, explain what you need from them, and accept their love and support as you begin your journey.

I am reminded of Matthew 11:29, "Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls." Jesus frees people from their burdens - including the heartache and pain of sexual abuse. The "rest" that Jesus promises is love, healing and peace. Allow your loved ones and Jesus to help carry your load, bringing you rest.

Unit 1 Lesson 4 - Help in the Storm Part 1

I hope I don't get sued for plagiarism, but there is just so much reading in unit 1. I promise that there are more reflective questions and layers to peel back in the units to come.

Now for lesson 4...

The purpose of this unit is to not only help you, the survivor, but also to help your support people be as effective as possible. By the time many survivors have reached maturity, they have been re-victimized many times. And, sadly, many of us have abused others - at least by being overly angry. Accordingly, the most precious gift this study can give is to impart truth to all readers - truth that would produce life for everyone.

What not to say

The list below contains "the don'ts." The statements in this list are all words that family, close friends, or well-meaning Christians might say to a sexual abuse survivor. These words and phrases are not helpful. Sometimes people make these statements because they have absolutely no understanding of sexual abuse issues. Other times the speaker may be mentally exhausted with the survivor or the recovery process. Still other people simply may not wish to deal with this difficult situation.

The Don'ts

Don't say to a survivor -

• "Why are you making such a big deal of this? You were very young at the time it happened."
• "What did you do to make this happen?"
• "Why didn't you stop it?"
• "You're the problem. You're just using this as an excuse to get your way."
• "You mean you didn't tell anybody when it happened? So why tell now?"
• "Why can't you just forget it?"
• "You should just forgive and forget. God won't be there for you unless you forgive."
• "I don't believe you were ever abused."
• "What is past is past. Let's just not bring it up again."
• "Just pray about it. God will take care of it."
• "Why can't you just hurry up and get over this?"
• "I'm so sick of hearing about your needs. What about my needs?"
• "You are just feeling sorry for yourself."
• "Can't you just let it go? Nothing is happening to you now."
• "It is a sin to think about this. God says to focus on what is good."
• "The Bible says to forget the past and to press on to the future."

In the list above, make note of the statements that others have said to you when you have revealed your abuse to them. Write the feelings you experienced when this happened.

For me - the most frequent statement was that I needed to just get over it. The abusers were my parents. So many times people would say something like, "They made mistakes, but they are still your parents and deserve a relationship with you. No matter how they treat you or how it makes you feel, you should suck it up and spend time with them. It breaks their hearts that you won't." During my first pregnancy, I had a big baby shower hosted by a couple of friends. One other friend in attendance said, "Your mom may not love you, but this is a baby! Surly she loves this baby enough to be here. You should have invited your mom." Needless to say, I was in shock when my friend said that. Statements like these leave me feeling abandoned and betrayed by the family member or friend who has said it. I definitely feel like they are on my abuser's side and have turned their back on me - the innocent.

In addition to these frequent remarks above, there was one other statement that was very difficult for me to overcome. Not necessarily because I believed what this man said, but because I trusted him... In a counseling session with my mom, my sister and me, our church pastor told my mother that it was a sin for her to divorce my abuser, no matter what I said he'd done. He said that my mother should run (not walk) back into his arms and remarry him immediately. Marriage was forever, and my abuser and I just needed to resolve whatever issues we had. If only it were that easy... I'd admired this man since I was a little girl and looked to him for spiritual guidance. In my heart I believed he was wrong, but I was crushed that he would turn his back on me and recommend that I be returned to a home where my abuser was allowed to do whatever he wanted to me. All in the name of sacred marriage. What about those sacred and innocent children?

While we cannot fully understand or control others' reactions, we can learn more effective and appropriate ways to respond to their statements. Read the above "don't" statements again and select the two that trouble you the most. Now, write an appropriate response to those two statements.

For me - an appropriate reponse to, "Can't you just move on?" would be, "I cannot forget the past, but God is teaching me a lot and helping me to put it to rest as I learn from it. A reconciliation may or may not be possible, but I know that God has brought me to a place where bitterness, anger and rage are no longer controlling how I feel about them."

As for that pastor, I believe that the truth is this - "God designed marriage to be sacred and forever, but when a parent violates a child the way my step-father violated me, a mother has to take the steps necessary to protect her children. In Matthew 19:14 Jesus says, 'Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.' Jesus was talking to PARENTS and DISCIPLES. Do you think that molesting your children does not hinder them from coming to Jesus?"

Whatever the reason people have for making these "don't" statements, we must recognize the statements for what they are: statements that bring darkness - a kind of death - to you and to other survivors. In time, you will be ready to leave the past, but premature advice to forgive and forget can be very destructive. All too often people make these statements when they first learn about the abuse or during the difficult days of the healing process.

Most people do not understand that they are hurting you with their "helpful" advice and comments. They think they are helping. The scars of sexual abuse are deep and emotionally painful. Others cannot know you hurt unless you tell them. Choose your support people carefully and be honest with them. Continue to think about your list of supportive people and be ready to name them as we wrap up lesson 5 tomorrow.

I'm glad you're here and look forward to sharing more as we journey this together. Praying for you.

Unit 1 Lesson 2 - Can I Get the Support I Need?

This lesson is a lot of reading and encouragement; not really any questions. So, I'm going to attempt to paraphrase the reading...

Support people are really a big part of one's recovery, but it can be very difficult to bring yourself to a place where you are comfortable asking for someone else's help or being vulnerable with your feelings. You might even be faced with telling someone for the very first time that you were sexually abused. Almost everyone who goes through recovery is reluctant at first to reach out to others, but your support system will largely determine the success of your recovery. You need support. You are worthy of support.

Just today I had a nice talk with a girl friend. Four and a half years ago I'd told her about my abusive childhood. She told me today that she had no idea what to say or what to do with the information at the time, so she felt like she did nothing... I remember the day that we were together and I remember parts of our conversation that day, but I actually didn't remember telling her anything about my childhood. Her reaction (or lack of a reaction) didn't register with me, but it stuck with her. As I've thought about this over the last ten hours, it occurred to me that I was just beginning to talk openly with others about my childhood about the time that I told her. Just telling her was what I needed. I didn't need a response or any solutions, I just needed someone to tell who wouldn't treat me differently after. And that is what I got. Even without a significant response on her part, just the acceptance and a listening ear was healing. This, my friends, is part of a support system.

As you begin to reach out to others, it is important to think wisely about who you will talk with and what you will share. Most people will not automatically know what to say or what to do, so providing them with some do's and don'ts can be very helpful. People who genuinely mean well may say and do some painful and damaging things because they do not understand. We have all opened our mouth and inserted our foot at one time or another.

As you tell family and friends, be prepared for them to respond in any number of ways. They may be angry, sad, hurt or afraid. They might be confused. If the rule in their house was to avoid talking about painful events, their reaction might be to turn off their feelings. They may pull away because they don't know what to say or do. However they respond, try not to accept responsibility for their reactions. And don't take their reaction personally. They might also attempt to smother you with concern and care. We must remember that this recovery journey is ours. Our supporters will help us, but they cannot take this journey for us.

People commonly respond to sexual abuse with silence and secrecy; however, telling your story is an important part of the recovery process!

Guidelines for selecting supportive people:

• Pray for God's wisdom as you choose a supportive person.
• Choose a person unrelated but sympathetic to the situation surrounding your abuse. You may want to consider someone who has been in recovery for a year or more, a professional counselor, a pastor, or lay caregiver.
• If you tell a family member do not blame them for not helping sooner.
• Determine how much of your story you want to tell. You might want to try writing an outline ahead of time. Remember that you do not have ot tell anything you do not want to tell.
• Pray for the person you will enlist for support.

Some survivors have difficulty with the reactions of others when they tell their stories. Remember to allow you supporters room to struggle with their feelings and remember that they need for you to tell them what you need.

As you think and pray about who the support people are in your life, remember what the Lord says, "I will go before you and make the rough places smooth; I will shatter the doors of bronze, and cut through their iron bars. And I will give you the treasures of darkness, and hidden wealth in secret places, in order that you may know that it is I, the Lord, the God of Israel, who calls you by name." Isaiah 45:2-3

He has placed someone in your life that can be trusted to love on you through this recovery process. He knows where you are headed and exactly what you will need once you get there. He will provide, and you will discover treasures, hidden riches.

Why are you putting yourself through this?

This question always comes up on the first night of group... "Why should I put myself through this?" The answer is that we cannot recover from something that we don't acknowledge. And even when we choose to stuff the feelings rather than deal with them, we are still suffering. And stuffing forever would mean suffering forever. Dealing with the issues head-on gives us a chance to get past it and live a life free from constant suffering.

But the question that I went to sleep thinking about was, "Are you happy?" I answered "ecstatic", but it is so much more than just a jumping-up-and-down, surprise-party kind of happiness. My healing began as my courtship with my husband began, so I really cannot separate my recovery from my relationship with him. Our relationship was the first place I could see my recovery playing out. He was the first person I took the masks off for. The first person I told the WHOLE truth to. I didn't just share the facts with him. I shared with him my feelings, my deepest secrets, my pain, my grief, the truth about what I did to cope and fill the voids.

Early in our relationship I just took the trusting plunge. I didn't hide from him. And telling him the truth and sharing with him the real me was freeing. I told him about the things that had hurt me, and I told him about the things I did to cope and what I knew needed to change in order for me to move beyond the past. He accepted me and I began to feel a deep happiness for the first time in my life. Our relationship was warm, comforting and safe - not just giddy.

This is not to say that we didn't have our fair share of problems. I was discovering how to be in a healthy relationship with a man, but I still didn't know how to be a part of a family or how to be a friend to other women. Because of that, I was still pretty isolated and had periods of profound sadness over the lack of "family" (parents & siblings). I was very happy with my husband (we'd gotten married) but didn't allow anyone else to know me.

Not long into our marriage, we had our first child on the way. I quit my job and became a stay-at-home mom. Since the only adult in my life was my husband, I spent most of my time with a drooling baby. After almost a year of this, I was getting cagey and wanting to meet other moms. I was terrified of being rejected, but I wanted someone to meet at the park for a playdate. We didn't even have to be friends! I just wanted to talk to someone who could talk back and wouldn't spit up on me. I decided that my next door neighbor was a good candidate. She lived close, our kids were the same age, and she seemed nice enough. In time, I decided that maybe she was good "friend" material, so I allowed her to get to know me. I told her small things at first and when she didn't laugh or throw me out of her house, I'd share more. She became my treasured friend - the first girl who I could ever really be real with. Her friendship led me out of my isolation and into many more friendships with women. A huge cirlce of friends, in fact. I was very happy with just my husband and son, but with my first girl-friendship came a happiness that I'd never even dreamed existed and seemed almost like too much to ask for.

At the same time this first girl-friendship was blooming, my husband and I joined the church that we'd been visiting for months. I came to know God in a way that I'd never known him before. He was no longer just God, up there in the sky, invisible... He was now Father God. That in itself was a heart-filler for me. My husband, my son and my new friend were more happiness than I'd ever known, but getting to know God filled my heart to over-flowing.

Taking the risk to face the reality of how my abuse was impacting my life led to a healthy relationship with a man, then marriage, children, friendships, and God. The hardest thing for me to learn was to trust family again - not my birth family, but the in-laws. And once I started dipping my toes into that water, I discovered that I actually do have a family.

Am I happy? YES - my cup runneth over!

Male survivors

At the risk of being socially and politically incorrect, I want to say a few things about male survivors. I feel as if society treats sexual abuse differently, depending on the victim's gender. Take the recent stories you've heard on the news of female teachers having relationships with male students. That is abuse, but many times society is sending the wrong message to those young boys. I can't tell you how many times I've heard an older man chuckle about how he wishes he'd had a teacher like that. Or how a boy must be gay if he doesn't want to have sexual relations with a grown woman. And I can only imagine how many boys have questioned their own sexuality after having been abused by a man, thinking something along the lines of, "I must be gay if Coach Bob is doing this to me."

There seems to be more freedom for a female victim to talk about sexual abuse - less judgment, less shame, less disbelief. Although, all of those are reasons why victims both male and female do not report, and ALL unreported crimes are a tragedy. I'm just saying that it seems like it is even harder for a male to talk about such things.

My husband has had very little go wrong in his life, certainly no history of any kind of abuse or maltreatment. That said, I know the burden he carries everyday in being the provider and leader of our household. That is the way God designed family and my husband takes it seriously. He constantly strives to keep a good balance of fun, love and tenderness with the kids, while also being consistent with training and discipline. He's the one who's in charge of our finances, paying the bills and working outside the home. He sets aside alone time for just the two of us, keeping our marriage about us and not merely revolving around the kids and work. He's involved in our church and serving the Lord. None of this is easy for him (or anyone, for that matter). But, I cannot imagine how much harder it would be if he were also carrying around the shame and isolation of sexual abuse because there aren't many safe places for a man to talk about it.

I want to encourage everyone to be mindful of your attitudes towards sex, and the words that come out of your mouth. You never know when a survivor may be sitting beside you, looking for a soft place to land. It could certainly be very uncomfortable if your buddy turns to you and unexpectedly tells you that he was sexually abused as a child, but your friend needs you. He chose to tell you because you're trustworthy. So, friend, honor that and give him the support he needs.

Guys, there is no shame in what has happened to you. You are not at fault, you are not to blame, you do not have to be defined by this. This is someone else's sin, for which THEY should be ashamed! Be encouraged to find a counselor or friend and begin processing through the pain.

A support person

Having supportive people in my life has been critical to my recovery. It wasn't until my husband (we were not married at the time) came alongside me and encouraged me to process through what I was feeling (anger, pain, abandonment, rejection, etc) with the focus being getting to the other side, that I finally felt strong enough to really examine what was going on. We all need a support person. This can be a friend, family member or counselor. You just need someone... For some people, this will mean actually asking someone to be your support. That may be an overwhelming idea, but it is a first step towards coming out of isolation and secret-keeping.

What does it mean to be a support person? It does not mean taking care of or being responsible for the survivor. The support person needs to care about and listen to the survivor without giving advice. A support person is not responsible for fixing the survivor or removing their pain. The support person will help the most by merely being available to the survivor as he/she learns to deal with the pain and with the results of the abuse. Supporters - ask your friend how you can help!

Here are some helpful DO's for supporters:
Support, accept, love, allow the survivor time to feel what they are feeling, be understanding, take an interest in their recovery, offer forgiveness when needed, believe them, pray for them and with them, encourage, trust them, offer validation.

Survivors of sexual abuse need open, honest, accepting communication. When you (the support person) do not know what to say or do, tell your friend and ask how you can help. Frequently, the answer will be that you just need to listen and support.

Survivors - know that this is complicated and possibly very unknown territory for your support people. Be willing to help them help you.

One last note... As you enlist support people, be aware that you may receive a wide range of responses. You will get positive and negative responses from those you ask to support you. Someone you really care about may not be able to do it. Accept this without taking it personally. The reasons could be: fear, schedule, other personal demands, feelings of inadequacy, personal recovery issues of their own, or other personal problems. Their inability to help you at this time is not about you or how they feel about you!