Unit 5 Lesson 5, A Biblical Example

God speaks the truth even when it is ugly. The Bible records examples of sexual abuse and family dysfunction. Amnon, one of King David's sons, sexually abused his half-sister Tamar. He pretended to be ill to lure Tamar into his room: "He took hold of her and said to her, 'Come, lie with me, my sister.' But she answered him, "Don't, my brother. Don't force me. Such a thing should not be done in Israel! Don't do this wicked thing.' ... But he refused to listen to her, and since he was stronger than she, he raped her." (2 Samuel 13:11-14)

Tamar reported the incident to one of her other brothers, Absalom. Here was Absalom's response: "Be quiet now, my sister; he is your brother. Don't take this thing to heart." And Tamar lived in her brother Absalom's house, a desolate woman." 2 Samuel 13:20

It seems that the pattern was no different for a dysfunctional family in biblical times than for a family in the present. The problem for victims is also the same - when they remain silent, the become desolate. Discussing your abuse does not mean getting up in church or another public place and announcing to everyone that you have been sexually abused. It does mean that you need to tell your story in a safe, supportive environment.

Sometimes recognizing a safe place to tell your story can be very difficult. Take some time to write in your journal about the image or description of a safe, supportive environment for you.

You might have described a place where you can talk, cry, never run out of tissue and never be judged... You deserve a place of rest, peace and relationships to cushion the harsh reality of abuse.

When Samuel said that Tamar remained in her brother's house and was desolate, he was saying she was forlorn and lonely, without friends or hope. Abuse so often leaves the victim without deep friendships and without hope. Often the victim is forced into isolation, feeling friendless and in great despair.

Do you identify with Tamar? If you have felt isolated and in despair, describe your feelings in your journal.

Read the entire story of Tamar in 2 Samuel 13:1-20 in your Bible. (If you do not have a Bible, you can look the scripture up on www.biblegateway.com.) After you have read the entire story, respond to the following learning activities based on the characters in the story.

What kind of attitude about himself and human sexuality do you see reflected in Amnon's frustration over the situation with Tamar? Note all that apply:

• He was self-centered, only interested in what he could do to her.
• He considered Tamar as an object, not as a person.
• He was angry because he was used to getting his way.
• His idea of sexuality had nothing to do with emotional intimacy or genuine love.
• Other
  

You could have chosen any or all of the responses. Next Amnon followed the evil advice of his friend Jonadab. Amnon planned and prepared to rape Tamar. He pretended to be ill and asked David, who was his father and his half-sister Tamar's father, to send Tamar to care for him.

Read the following scripture:

So Amnon lay down and pretended to be ill. When the king came to see him, Amnon said to him, "I would like my sister Tamar to come and make some special bread in my sight, so I may eat from her hand." David sent word to Tamar at the palace: "Go to the house of your brother Amnon and prepare some food for him." 2 Samuel 13:6-7

Not only did Amnon plan to rape Tamar, his father unknowingly but directly contributed to the rape. How do you think Tamar might have felt towards her father as a result?

• Betrayed, "He set me up for this."
• Angry, "This is his fault!"
• Frightened, "I don't dare tell my father what happened."
• Bewildered, "What can I do?"
• Other

Journal about your feelings about David in the story.

Remember that Tamar was not objectively reading these words on paper. She was experiencing the hurt and shame of sexual abuse. Whether or not Davide understood the consequences of his actions, the fact is that he contributed to her sexual abuse, and he did nothing to correct the situation after the rape. Tamar certainly could have felt all of the feelings above and more.

Next notice in verse 15 that after the rape Amnon hated Tamar. He increased the violation by blaming her and sending her away. Still worse he called a servant - thereby assuring that others would blame her - and he had Tamar thrown out of the house.

Remember that you are not responsible for any part of the behavior of a person who abused you. Do not use this activity to excuse or to blame but simply to understand. Describe why you think Amnon suddenly hated Tamar.

We cannot know another person's thoughts or motivations but one explanation seems probable. Amnon knew that what he had done was wrong. Rather than accept responsibility for himself, he shifted the blame to Tamar.

Have you experienced someone treating you like Amnon treated Tamar - first sexually abusing you and then blaming you for the abuse. If yes, describe how it felt to be blamed.

The next injury for Tamar resulted after the rape. She went to her brother Absalom. Absalom's response was typical of many family members of sexual abuse victims. The messages that Absalom sent to his sister were: "Keep the secret. Don't let anybody know about the family trouble. Don't shame the family by talking about this."

"Be quiet now, my sister; he is your brother. Don't take this thing to heart." 2 Samuel 13:20

Write what you would like to say to Tamar instead of the dysfunctional message she received from her family.

As survivors of sexual abuse ourselves, we would all like to tell her that she was not to blame and that she needed and deserved to talk about her feelings with safe people.

Spend a few minutes in prayer. If you can, thank God for providing a safe place for you to openly share your experiences. Thank Him for recording the story of Tamar in scripture so that you would know that you are not alone in the betrayal of sexual abuse Honestly share your feelings with God. He will not respond as many people do. He will not say, "Don't take it to heart." God will listen and will patiently walk with you toward healing.

Working through these family issues is painful and will probably continue to be so for a while. If you feel desolate, betrayed and alone, reach out to someone who can help you. Find a support group in your area, stay plugged in to this blog, and/or meet with a counselor - even when it seems more difficult to work toward healing than to stay away. You need the support, and God wants you to overcome this tragedy in your life. God intends for you to walk in joy and peace, free from guilt and condemnation.

*******************

Next week we will begin Unit 6 Lesson 1, Letting Go of Shame and Guilt. I continue to pray daily for each and every one of you. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your recovery. Many blessings to you. Enjoy the long holiday weekend!

Unit 1 Lesson 5, Help in the Storm Part 2

This lesson pretty much reiterates the previous 4 lessons, so I'm going to wrap it up by reminding you that recovery from sexual abuse is a process and takes time. What likely took years to develop will also take a considerable amount of time to resolve.

For many, the most difficult part of recovery will be to rely on others. During the countless discussions I've had with other survivors, I've learned that most of us keep ourselves busy helping and serving others. (Sound familiar?) As long as we are serving others, we are in control and our focus is on their problems and not our own. But it is time to deal with our problems and choose a lighter load. It's difficult to open ourselves up to needing and accepting others' help, but it is necessary to fully recover.

We can find shelter from this storm through family, friends, our spouse and God. What we must acknowledge is that our sexual abuse is not just our problem. It effects everyone around us and we can all choose to recover.

What do you need from your support people?

Support, acceptance, love, time, understanding, interest, forgiveness, help, belief, prayers, encouragement, hope, honor, trust, validation, loyalty, concern, physical affection, priority, care, a listening ear, someone who will talk about it, a shoulder to cry on? Create your list!

Do you have people in your life who are already doing these things? If you do, these may be very good sources of support as you take this recovery journey. Reach out to them, explain what you need from them, and accept their love and support as you begin your journey.

I am reminded of Matthew 11:29, "Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls." Jesus frees people from their burdens - including the heartache and pain of sexual abuse. The "rest" that Jesus promises is love, healing and peace. Allow your loved ones and Jesus to help carry your load, bringing you rest.

My failed marriage

As I was getting a little quiet time in this morning, I felt God nudging me to share about my failed first marriage. Unfortunately, it is a good example of two things - the unimaginably high price we pay for unresolved issues (by we, I mean EVERYONE) and a failed support system.

My first marriage should have worked. He and I were both very nice people and had the same values and life goals. We got along very well. In fact, we never had an argument. We were, however, very young (I had just turned 21) and I was hurting more than I was willing to admit - more than I even realized. I'd told him about my childhood abuse when we were dating; however, I shrugged it off as much as possible and pretended to be just fine. On the occasions where I did show some emotion about it, I never told him how deeply those feelings ran.

It didn't start off this way though... Early in the relationship, he was someone I could be honest and open with. But then.. Shortly before he asked me to marry him, there was an incident at home where my mom's 4th husband had become physically and verbally abusive with me. As all this chaos was going on in the background, I called my soon-to-be-fiance. I was sobbing and my mom and her husband were yelling at me, saying awful things and calling me horrible names. He (my ex-husband) came to pick me up 30 minutes later and I never went back. He was supportive and compassionate with regard to the physical maltreatment, but it wasn't long before he was encouraging me to cut my mom some slack and allow her to have a "normal" relationship with me. (By "normal" he meant trips to the mall, dinners at their house, mother/daughter phone calls, etc.) There were so many things wrong with the way my mom treated me and allowed her husbands to treat me, that I just knew there was no way to have "normal" under the circumstances. I tried to explain that my mother's neglect and selfishness were the reasons that the sexual abuse from husband #3 and the verbal & physical abuse from #4 lasted as long as they did. But my ex-husband couldn't grasp my idea that not all moms are created equal. In my case, my mother was abusive and I deserved protection from her. He thought she deserved a relationship with me, regardless. This is when my walls started coming up and I stopped being honest with him about how much I hurt.

As we've read throughout unit 1, many times people do not know what to say or do to help people who have been sexually abused - especially when one is abused by a family member. My ex-husband was a young man who came from a wonderful family in a delightful midwestern small town. Things like this were unheard of - which means it happened in secret and no one talked about it. It was practically taboo for him to talk about sexual abuse, so it stands to reason that he would be ill prepared to help me recover from it.

When I felt like he was "on my parents' side", I felt betrayed and all alone. I completely stopped talking to him about anything I needed. We moved to the east coast a few months after we were married, and distance from home was a good thing for me. I was relieved to be far from the chaos and strained relationships; however, I'd brought all the baggage with me. Birthdays and holidays were the hardest, but I barely let on to my ex-husband that anything was wrong. He could tell that something was "off", but I think he figured time would heal it. When he didn't reach out to me, I didn't bother reaching out to him. That's when I began having difficulty with fidelity - I was looking for affirmation from other men. I needed someone to find me interesting, attractive, appealing. My ex-husband worked hard and was pursuing a career as a professional athlete, so he didn't have a lot of time for me. That hurt my feelings, driving me further away. But I didn't say much. Occasionally I would tell him that we weren't as close as I wished we were... But, by the time we were in marriage counseling, I was already pretty checked-out of the marriage and really had no intention of checking back in.

As I look back on this failed relationship, I have many regrets. He is truly a very nice guy and I believe he was willing to listen, if only I would have talked. I believe he would have been open to understanding where I was coming from, if only I'd have had the courage to be vulnerable with him. I know now that he was just inexperienced, not insensitive.

When I say I have regrets, I absolutely do not mean that I regret where I am today. I DO NOT. But, I regret how I acted in the first marriage, how I hurt my ex-husband and our families and friends; how I dragged that baggage with me and let it consume my life for so many years. I deeply regret how I hurt others, all because I was wounded and was choosing not to deal with it.

Unit 1 Lesson 4 - Help in the Storm Part 1

I hope I don't get sued for plagiarism, but there is just so much reading in unit 1. I promise that there are more reflective questions and layers to peel back in the units to come.

Now for lesson 4...

The purpose of this unit is to not only help you, the survivor, but also to help your support people be as effective as possible. By the time many survivors have reached maturity, they have been re-victimized many times. And, sadly, many of us have abused others - at least by being overly angry. Accordingly, the most precious gift this study can give is to impart truth to all readers - truth that would produce life for everyone.

What not to say

The list below contains "the don'ts." The statements in this list are all words that family, close friends, or well-meaning Christians might say to a sexual abuse survivor. These words and phrases are not helpful. Sometimes people make these statements because they have absolutely no understanding of sexual abuse issues. Other times the speaker may be mentally exhausted with the survivor or the recovery process. Still other people simply may not wish to deal with this difficult situation.

The Don'ts

Don't say to a survivor -

• "Why are you making such a big deal of this? You were very young at the time it happened."
• "What did you do to make this happen?"
• "Why didn't you stop it?"
• "You're the problem. You're just using this as an excuse to get your way."
• "You mean you didn't tell anybody when it happened? So why tell now?"
• "Why can't you just forget it?"
• "You should just forgive and forget. God won't be there for you unless you forgive."
• "I don't believe you were ever abused."
• "What is past is past. Let's just not bring it up again."
• "Just pray about it. God will take care of it."
• "Why can't you just hurry up and get over this?"
• "I'm so sick of hearing about your needs. What about my needs?"
• "You are just feeling sorry for yourself."
• "Can't you just let it go? Nothing is happening to you now."
• "It is a sin to think about this. God says to focus on what is good."
• "The Bible says to forget the past and to press on to the future."

In the list above, make note of the statements that others have said to you when you have revealed your abuse to them. Write the feelings you experienced when this happened.

For me - the most frequent statement was that I needed to just get over it. The abusers were my parents. So many times people would say something like, "They made mistakes, but they are still your parents and deserve a relationship with you. No matter how they treat you or how it makes you feel, you should suck it up and spend time with them. It breaks their hearts that you won't." During my first pregnancy, I had a big baby shower hosted by a couple of friends. One other friend in attendance said, "Your mom may not love you, but this is a baby! Surly she loves this baby enough to be here. You should have invited your mom." Needless to say, I was in shock when my friend said that. Statements like these leave me feeling abandoned and betrayed by the family member or friend who has said it. I definitely feel like they are on my abuser's side and have turned their back on me - the innocent.

In addition to these frequent remarks above, there was one other statement that was very difficult for me to overcome. Not necessarily because I believed what this man said, but because I trusted him... In a counseling session with my mom, my sister and me, our church pastor told my mother that it was a sin for her to divorce my abuser, no matter what I said he'd done. He said that my mother should run (not walk) back into his arms and remarry him immediately. Marriage was forever, and my abuser and I just needed to resolve whatever issues we had. If only it were that easy... I'd admired this man since I was a little girl and looked to him for spiritual guidance. In my heart I believed he was wrong, but I was crushed that he would turn his back on me and recommend that I be returned to a home where my abuser was allowed to do whatever he wanted to me. All in the name of sacred marriage. What about those sacred and innocent children?

While we cannot fully understand or control others' reactions, we can learn more effective and appropriate ways to respond to their statements. Read the above "don't" statements again and select the two that trouble you the most. Now, write an appropriate response to those two statements.

For me - an appropriate reponse to, "Can't you just move on?" would be, "I cannot forget the past, but God is teaching me a lot and helping me to put it to rest as I learn from it. A reconciliation may or may not be possible, but I know that God has brought me to a place where bitterness, anger and rage are no longer controlling how I feel about them."

As for that pastor, I believe that the truth is this - "God designed marriage to be sacred and forever, but when a parent violates a child the way my step-father violated me, a mother has to take the steps necessary to protect her children. In Matthew 19:14 Jesus says, 'Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.' Jesus was talking to PARENTS and DISCIPLES. Do you think that molesting your children does not hinder them from coming to Jesus?"

Whatever the reason people have for making these "don't" statements, we must recognize the statements for what they are: statements that bring darkness - a kind of death - to you and to other survivors. In time, you will be ready to leave the past, but premature advice to forgive and forget can be very destructive. All too often people make these statements when they first learn about the abuse or during the difficult days of the healing process.

Most people do not understand that they are hurting you with their "helpful" advice and comments. They think they are helping. The scars of sexual abuse are deep and emotionally painful. Others cannot know you hurt unless you tell them. Choose your support people carefully and be honest with them. Continue to think about your list of supportive people and be ready to name them as we wrap up lesson 5 tomorrow.

I'm glad you're here and look forward to sharing more as we journey this together. Praying for you.

Unit 1 Lesson 2 - Can I Get the Support I Need?

This lesson is a lot of reading and encouragement; not really any questions. So, I'm going to attempt to paraphrase the reading...

Support people are really a big part of one's recovery, but it can be very difficult to bring yourself to a place where you are comfortable asking for someone else's help or being vulnerable with your feelings. You might even be faced with telling someone for the very first time that you were sexually abused. Almost everyone who goes through recovery is reluctant at first to reach out to others, but your support system will largely determine the success of your recovery. You need support. You are worthy of support.

Just today I had a nice talk with a girl friend. Four and a half years ago I'd told her about my abusive childhood. She told me today that she had no idea what to say or what to do with the information at the time, so she felt like she did nothing... I remember the day that we were together and I remember parts of our conversation that day, but I actually didn't remember telling her anything about my childhood. Her reaction (or lack of a reaction) didn't register with me, but it stuck with her. As I've thought about this over the last ten hours, it occurred to me that I was just beginning to talk openly with others about my childhood about the time that I told her. Just telling her was what I needed. I didn't need a response or any solutions, I just needed someone to tell who wouldn't treat me differently after. And that is what I got. Even without a significant response on her part, just the acceptance and a listening ear was healing. This, my friends, is part of a support system.

As you begin to reach out to others, it is important to think wisely about who you will talk with and what you will share. Most people will not automatically know what to say or what to do, so providing them with some do's and don'ts can be very helpful. People who genuinely mean well may say and do some painful and damaging things because they do not understand. We have all opened our mouth and inserted our foot at one time or another.

As you tell family and friends, be prepared for them to respond in any number of ways. They may be angry, sad, hurt or afraid. They might be confused. If the rule in their house was to avoid talking about painful events, their reaction might be to turn off their feelings. They may pull away because they don't know what to say or do. However they respond, try not to accept responsibility for their reactions. And don't take their reaction personally. They might also attempt to smother you with concern and care. We must remember that this recovery journey is ours. Our supporters will help us, but they cannot take this journey for us.

People commonly respond to sexual abuse with silence and secrecy; however, telling your story is an important part of the recovery process!

Guidelines for selecting supportive people:

• Pray for God's wisdom as you choose a supportive person.
• Choose a person unrelated but sympathetic to the situation surrounding your abuse. You may want to consider someone who has been in recovery for a year or more, a professional counselor, a pastor, or lay caregiver.
• If you tell a family member do not blame them for not helping sooner.
• Determine how much of your story you want to tell. You might want to try writing an outline ahead of time. Remember that you do not have ot tell anything you do not want to tell.
• Pray for the person you will enlist for support.

Some survivors have difficulty with the reactions of others when they tell their stories. Remember to allow you supporters room to struggle with their feelings and remember that they need for you to tell them what you need.

As you think and pray about who the support people are in your life, remember what the Lord says, "I will go before you and make the rough places smooth; I will shatter the doors of bronze, and cut through their iron bars. And I will give you the treasures of darkness, and hidden wealth in secret places, in order that you may know that it is I, the Lord, the God of Israel, who calls you by name." Isaiah 45:2-3

He has placed someone in your life that can be trusted to love on you through this recovery process. He knows where you are headed and exactly what you will need once you get there. He will provide, and you will discover treasures, hidden riches.

Questions from spouses / support people?

Over the last couple of years, my husband and I have been approached several times about starting a support group for spouses of sexual abuse survivors. Since we still have young children and a couple of evening commitments each week, a group ministry is not possible right now. However, we'd be willing to give it a stab here on this blog.

Are you a spouse or support person with specific questions/issues that you would like to hear about? If so, post a comment here (you can comment anonymously if you'd like) and my husband will respond to them.

Professional Counseling

Before we get into the support group lessons, I am going to beat the support person drum a little more. This blog is meant to inform, encourage and support survivors and their loved ones. However, if you are a survivor who has received little to no counseling, this blog could be very upsetting and lead to trauma you are not prepared to handle. I wish to encourage you to seek professional counseling.

Sexual abuse is the most personal and damaging form of betrayal. Recovery from sexual abuse is the most intense and emotionally challenging form of recovery. Survivors of sexual abuse often struggle with powerful issues such as shame, thoughts of suicide, addictions and even dissociation. Most sexual abuse victims experience profound emotional isolation. Virtually all sexual abuse survivors could benefit from professional care.

I saw non-biblical counselors very regularly from the age of 12-20. I learned to cope with my trauma, but never learned to process through it and actually recover from it. There was a lot of pop culture, philosophy and coping involved in my non-biblical therapy, but no love, no real compassion and certainly no God. I experienced a lot of immediate change and healing with biblical counseling. I want to encourage you to contact your church to get connected with a biblical counselor who will be a good fit for you.

When a church gets into the business of helping the hurting, they are honoring God. The bible clearly teaches us to "bear one another's burdens and thus fulfill the law of Christ." (Galatians 6:2) We all experience physical, psychological, spiritual and emotional pain as part of the human condition. In Luke 4:18-19, Jesus said "The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised, to preach the acceptable year of the Lord." Only the Lord has the power to fully heal the brokenhearted, deliver you from your prison, and liberate you from your pain. And a biblical counselor is the perfect person to help you discover His healing and deliverance.

Male survivors

At the risk of being socially and politically incorrect, I want to say a few things about male survivors. I feel as if society treats sexual abuse differently, depending on the victim's gender. Take the recent stories you've heard on the news of female teachers having relationships with male students. That is abuse, but many times society is sending the wrong message to those young boys. I can't tell you how many times I've heard an older man chuckle about how he wishes he'd had a teacher like that. Or how a boy must be gay if he doesn't want to have sexual relations with a grown woman. And I can only imagine how many boys have questioned their own sexuality after having been abused by a man, thinking something along the lines of, "I must be gay if Coach Bob is doing this to me."

There seems to be more freedom for a female victim to talk about sexual abuse - less judgment, less shame, less disbelief. Although, all of those are reasons why victims both male and female do not report, and ALL unreported crimes are a tragedy. I'm just saying that it seems like it is even harder for a male to talk about such things.

My husband has had very little go wrong in his life, certainly no history of any kind of abuse or maltreatment. That said, I know the burden he carries everyday in being the provider and leader of our household. That is the way God designed family and my husband takes it seriously. He constantly strives to keep a good balance of fun, love and tenderness with the kids, while also being consistent with training and discipline. He's the one who's in charge of our finances, paying the bills and working outside the home. He sets aside alone time for just the two of us, keeping our marriage about us and not merely revolving around the kids and work. He's involved in our church and serving the Lord. None of this is easy for him (or anyone, for that matter). But, I cannot imagine how much harder it would be if he were also carrying around the shame and isolation of sexual abuse because there aren't many safe places for a man to talk about it.

I want to encourage everyone to be mindful of your attitudes towards sex, and the words that come out of your mouth. You never know when a survivor may be sitting beside you, looking for a soft place to land. It could certainly be very uncomfortable if your buddy turns to you and unexpectedly tells you that he was sexually abused as a child, but your friend needs you. He chose to tell you because you're trustworthy. So, friend, honor that and give him the support he needs.

Guys, there is no shame in what has happened to you. You are not at fault, you are not to blame, you do not have to be defined by this. This is someone else's sin, for which THEY should be ashamed! Be encouraged to find a counselor or friend and begin processing through the pain.

A support person

Having supportive people in my life has been critical to my recovery. It wasn't until my husband (we were not married at the time) came alongside me and encouraged me to process through what I was feeling (anger, pain, abandonment, rejection, etc) with the focus being getting to the other side, that I finally felt strong enough to really examine what was going on. We all need a support person. This can be a friend, family member or counselor. You just need someone... For some people, this will mean actually asking someone to be your support. That may be an overwhelming idea, but it is a first step towards coming out of isolation and secret-keeping.

What does it mean to be a support person? It does not mean taking care of or being responsible for the survivor. The support person needs to care about and listen to the survivor without giving advice. A support person is not responsible for fixing the survivor or removing their pain. The support person will help the most by merely being available to the survivor as he/she learns to deal with the pain and with the results of the abuse. Supporters - ask your friend how you can help!

Here are some helpful DO's for supporters:
Support, accept, love, allow the survivor time to feel what they are feeling, be understanding, take an interest in their recovery, offer forgiveness when needed, believe them, pray for them and with them, encourage, trust them, offer validation.

Survivors of sexual abuse need open, honest, accepting communication. When you (the support person) do not know what to say or do, tell your friend and ask how you can help. Frequently, the answer will be that you just need to listen and support.

Survivors - know that this is complicated and possibly very unknown territory for your support people. Be willing to help them help you.

One last note... As you enlist support people, be aware that you may receive a wide range of responses. You will get positive and negative responses from those you ask to support you. Someone you really care about may not be able to do it. Accept this without taking it personally. The reasons could be: fear, schedule, other personal demands, feelings of inadequacy, personal recovery issues of their own, or other personal problems. Their inability to help you at this time is not about you or how they feel about you!