Interview

I have been speaking and writing a lot about sexual abuse on the campus of the college I attend.  I'm a non-traditional student in my later 30's, and I've found that I'm occasionally looked to as a mentor figure, especially by young survivors of childhood abuse.

An 18 year old student approached me last week about doing an interview for a project she is working on.  She has to write a paper about "a local organization or place that people might like to visit".  While she concedes that no one wants to visit a child abuse victims advocacy center, she feels that a tremendous service can be provided by talking about sexual abuse and those who are committed to preventing and responding to it.  She is so awesome!  She has courage, tenacity and composure beyond her years.

I am so honored to be a part of her paper, and I thank her for the opportunity to share...but even more, I thank her for standing in the gap for survivors of sexual abuse and doing her part to make this world a safer place for children.

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Sexual abuse is so painful - so intimate - that it often isolates survivors from healthy relationships.  Sexual abuse not only violates ones body, but their boundaries, sense of self, and ability to love and trust as well.  All too often, the experience teaches survivors not to trust appropriately, and sets survivors up for a lifetime of excruciating isolation and secret keeping, interrupted by periods of blindly trusting all the wrong people.  This cycle sets in motion a lifetime of repeated victimization.

I am a survivor of sexual abuse.  Abused at the hands of my parents, overlooked and neglected by my entire extended family, I know all too well the pain and isolation accompanied by sexual abuse.  For 29 years I accepted the blame and carried their secrets with me.  It was only when I stood firmly on my own two feet, declared that their crime was indeed a crime and no reflection on me, that I was able to begin moving forward, healing, recovering from what had interrupted my life for far too long.

It is only through breaking the silence - discarding the false beliefs that I was dirty, unlovable trash - that I began taking my first steps into wholeness.  Wholeness is delightful.  I never dared dream life could look this way.  I never believed I could truly be happy, loved, capable, confident, seen and known.  I cannot keep the fact that recovery is possible a secret; therefore, I talk.  I speak to student groups and women's groups, I lead support groups for survivors, I write a blog, my family chairs a fundraiser every year.  I share the facts about sexual abuse, define it, put a face to it, encourage survivors to seek recovery, share tips for keeping children safe, and support organizations whose mission it is to eradicate and respond to child sexual abuse.

One of my favorite organizations is Sunflower House, serving Johnson and Wyandotte Counties, providing abuse prevention classes to adults and children, and meeting the needs of children and families currently processing through a case of child sexual abuse.  Sunflower House provides an environment in which children undergo forensic interviews and medical exams on-site, rather than in police station interview rooms and doctor's offices.  Doctors on-site are able to write prescriptions as needed, and Sunflower House provides gift cards to cover the expense of medications.  Additionally, every child who comes through the door at Sunflower House is able to pick a gift out of the Bear Showcase as a pleasant surprise.  As a young girl who went through "the system" 28 years ago, shuttling between two different police stations and a sterile, grown-up gynecologist's office as a fourth grader, and then again as a teenager, I cannot emphasize enough what a difference Sunflower House makes in this part of the journey.  This serves to make an unbelievably difficult situation gentler.

Sunflower House is making a remarkable difference in the fight to eradicate and respond to child sexual abuse.  It is our honor to chair a fundraiser for them each year, and to spread the great news about their work.

Redemption

"Redemption is not only something that means we get to go to heaven, but something that He is passionate to carry out now, in specific life situations, to make things show His brand of beauty - in which a healed relationship or person can reflect more glory than one who never knew brokenness."  -Kelly Minter, No Other Gods

Praying this for each of us today.  For too many, the abuse has been far-reaching and forever scarring...  Painful beyond what we can verbally express.  Isolating.  Lonely.  Fracturing families.  Robbing of us years and years of our lives...  Through that deep brokenness, healed by God's even deeper-penetrating healing, love, acceptance and provision, may each of our lives reflect more glory than one who never knew brokenness.

Genesis 50:20

One trade off of returning to college this semester was that it wouldn't leave time for me to lead a sexual abuse recovery support group this fall.  I didn't even have to think about the decision to lead or not to lead because it was so completely obvious that I wasn't being called to lead a group right now.

Then my Public Speaking class started.

My teacher slips life lessons into his lectures every single day - most of them themed along the fact that how we talk often conveys "where we've been in life".  Where we've lived, how we've lived, what we've lived through, level of education, financial status...the list goes on.  The lessons are always accompanied with indirect encouragement and the God's honest truth that not one of us is limited by whatever difficulty we are facing.  I marvel at his heart for these young people and his uncanny ability (and willingness) to meet them where they are at in order to help them get to where they want to go.  So many of these kids have high aspirations that can easily become dwarfed by the challenges they are facing.

I knew from day one that I wanted to give a speech or two on something related to sexual abuse.  As I have been watching my teacher in class, I have diligently tried to piece together my first speech.  He has asked for volunteers to go first for the past two classes, and not a single hand has been raised.  After class the other day I went to talk with him about the difficulty I was having narrowing down the information and my heart to a single 5-7 minute speech.  Then he asked me to do something that still has my head spinning...

He wants to give me 10-15 minutes per speech, and he has asked me to give every speech this semester on the topic of sexual abuse.

I can hardly believe it!

I have mulled over my first speech quite a bit and have decided that rather than jump in with a bunch of abuse prevention information (for an informative speech), I would start by sharing my story.  Pinch me.  I get to talk with them about my own experience with poverty, a broken home, an absent birth father, a sexually abusive adopted father, a neglectful mother, feeling orphaned at 18, dropping out of college due to overwhelming loneliness and confusion, utter helplessness and paralyzing insecurity, underage and reckless drinking, destroyed relationships, and countless other unwise decisions that I regret to this day --- all as a result of unaddressed brokenness.  And I get to share the healing that takes place in a solid, loving relationship, with unwavering sobriety and careful attention to other unhealthy coping mechanisms, an unimaginable community of friends, and an honorable heavenly father who fills every hole left behind by not-so-honorable earthly beings.  The purpose of this speech is to persuade them to address past hurts sooner rather than later, saving precious time and allowing life to be restored to them.

Seriously?  I get to do this?  In a college classroom?  And after that, I get to talk about ways to keep kids safe!

God is good.  All the time.

"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives."  Genesis 50:20

College...your future...within reach

Did you know that fewer than 50% of all high school aged foster children in the United States will graduate from high school?  And only 3% of those kids will graduate from college with their Bachelors Degree?

I was never in foster care, but I should have been.  I was abused and neglected from age 7 into adulthood, but no one did anything about it.  I remained in the family home, and did my best - on my own instincts - to get through school.  Never once did a grown-up encourage me to do my homework, study, apply myself, take the ACT, or apply for college or college financial aid.  I didn't ask for help at school because I was afraid I'd have to explain why I needed their help.  I also never wanted to stand out as an excellent student, because I didn't want to be noticed.  So, I gladly slipped through high school without a single college credit and report cards full of B's and C's - well below my abilities.  I never studied for the ACT and never even looked at my ACT results.  I applied only to the nearest community college where I dropped out with a not-so-stellar GPA. 

You see...  This is where I compare myself to a foster child.  I'd moved out of my mother's home after graduating from high school.  I was suddenly on my own - no support, no experience, no one giving me advice or encouraging me, but also no one abusing me (at least not physically).  I worked full time to pay the rent, and went to school full time.  I still longed for my family, so I kept in touch with them often.  My mother was constantly criticizing, insulting and blaming me for her rotten life.  Every phone call ended with her unkind words followed by her slamming the phone down.  I'd call again a day or so later for more of the same.  Between my jobs, my relationship with my family, and trying to wash my sorrows away in bars, I was distracted from my academics to say the least.

I applied for financial aid that first semester and did not qualify because I had to include my parents' income due to my "minor dependent" status on their income tax return.  Never mind that I was not dependent on them.  Today there are ways around this - exceptions can be made for abuse survivors, emancipated children, etc.  Even if the government turns down your request for aid, the school has discretion to appeal on your behalf if you have extenuating circumstances!  I don't know if these exceptions existed in the early 90's, but I do know that I would never have asked for them if they did.  I did not want people knowing what trash I was.  At least that's how I thought of me - trash.

Flash forward all these years and I know that the abuse was no reflection on me, but had everything to do with them.

I also now regret nearly every decision I made regarding my education.  I wish I would have studied harder.  I wish I would have asked for help.  I wish I would have had the courage and confidence to pay attention at those college fairs at my high school.  I wish I would have allowed myself to dream bigger and believe that dreams can come true.  I wish I would have known that my youth was only the beginning, and that my future was up to me. 

The sky is the limit, not our abuse.  Abuse survivors - and foster children - are capable of absolutely anything.  We are not limited by what someone else did to us.

I am writing this with my younger readers in mind.  Don't blow the immediate opportunities that you are offered to move beyond the tragic circumstances in your life.  Don't wait years for a do-over, when you've got the chance right now to right the wrongs.

I'm getting my academic do-over right now.  Going back to college, having to do some maintenance to my damaged GPA, balancing life as wife and mother with a full course load at college, marveling at the options you have in terms of financial aid that are no longer available to me.  I can't help but smile when I reflect back over my life and see how far I've come, but that doesn't stop me from praying that each of you younger girls will not follow my exact (time, energy and emotion wasting) path.  I pray for earlier healing and success for you!

Girl Thrive is an amazing organization created with teen girls in mind.  Dr. Patti has occasionally visited this blog and even sent me two free copies of her book Invisible Girls.  If you are a teen girl whose life has been shattered by incest, Dr. Patti is here for you.  If you cannot afford to buy her book, send me an email and I'll mail you one of my copies - victoryoversexualabuse@live.com.  But one of the greatest things that Girl Thrive provides is college scholarships to girls age 24 and under who are incest survivors.  Check out her website for more information!  There is a wonderful life awaiting each and every one of us.

"The thief's purpose is to steal and kill and destroy.  My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life."  John 10:10

Counseling with Mom

You might remember my mother asking me if I'd go to a counseling session with her last winter.  It took until mid-May for her to call again, this time with a scheduled appointment on the books.  Coincidentally, it fell on my son's last day of school and we had a conflict during the exact same time slot as the counseling session.  We rescheduled the conflicting appointment and put off end-of-school celebrations for a couple of hours so that I could go meet with my mother and her counselor.

For me, rearranging my schedule around this counseling session is what loving and honoring my mother looked like that day. While she has not "earned" this, God commands it...  Additionally, God has given me - and will continue to give me - far more than I deserve or could ever earn, so who I am to withhold that from my mother?

I was glad that we met with her counselor.  I knew that if she'd gone to meet with me and a counselor of my choosing that it would likely be counter-productive, scary for her, and would quite possibly do more harm than good.

Her counselor made me chuckle a little with her earthy, meditative Dharma style (as in Dharma & Greg), but she is also sharp, fair and committed to helping people get better.  She is not at all the counselor I'd have chosen, but I hope and pray that she has been hand-picked by God for my mother.

When the counselor turned to me and asked what I'd hoped to get out of my relationship with my mother, I honestly didn't know what to say.  In my childlike heart, I wanted to weep and say that all I ever wanted was a loving, care-giving mommy.  At the same time...  In my vast experience of having been there and done a relationship with her, I know that distance has really been best for me.  So long as she is so broken, confused, confusing, irresponsible, hurting, hurtful, blaming, neglecting and denying...it is best for me to keep a healthy distance.

Before she and I can have a relationship, she needs to experience healing in her own life.  Without a degree of healing, she cannot possibly experience genuine, selfless, regret, remorse and repentance for the acts she committed out of her brokenness.  Without healing from her own pain, she will not be able to recognize or take responsibility for the pain she's inflicted upon others.

Since our meeting last week, I have discovered a renewed heart for my mother.  I witnessed first-hand last week some of the craziness of her mind, but I could also see that she is sincere in her desire to be better.  That is a first.

I have always told people that it's never too late to repair a relationship...but I never really thought it would happen for me.  We have a very long way to go, but I feel hopeful.

"As much as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone". Romans 12:18

Unit 7 Lesson 2, Healthy Anger, Part2

Anger is part of God's nature.  The New Testament records that Jesus expressed anger on several occasions.  We can conclude that anger in itself is not bad, but unresolved anger becomes destructive.  Unresolved anger inevitably causes us inner turmoil.  The Bible says in Ephesians 4:26, "Be angry, and yet do not sin" (NASB).  Most of us know how to be angry, but what we need to learn is how to be angry without sinning.

Anger is  apart of God's nature.

How do you feel about that statement?  What effect does the fact that anger is a part of God's nature have on your recovery?

Anger is a signal that God has given us, just as pain is a signal.  Anger tells us that we rae being hurt, that something is wrong, or perhaps that someone is demanding too much.  Sometimes our anger becomes generalized and we us it as a defense.  When you understand the simple dynamics of anger, you see that, as a survivor of abuse, you have been deeply hurt.  Anger would be a natural response.  To remove that anger, you need to acknowledge it.  Hurt may be a residual emotion that you feel even after you have dealt with the anger.  You may express your anger in sudden outbursts, or you may reveal it in passive ways such as isolation or depression.  If you have displayed your anger in unproductive ways, you will probably retain that anger until you can learn how to release it positively, and use it to find out more about yourself instead of lashing out against yourself and others. 

Anger is a surface emotion.  Underneath the anger you will usually find other feelings that also need expression.

In your journal, write the feeling words that create the greatest emotional response...

Hurt     Rejection     Shame     Used     Humiliation     Alone     Unimportant

You may be using you ranger to protect yourself from feeling humiliated, used or hurt.  To feel anger is less painful than to feel the underlying emotion.

When you have been rejected, humiliated, used or when you have been hurt mentally, physically, or emotionally, the normal response is to become angry.  A young woman who had been a child victim of sexual abuse described how rejected and humiliated she felt as a young girl when the police came to her house.  She said, "I had been walking home from school when a man approached who said he would give me candy.  I never got candy, even though I went to the woods with him.  He raped me.  I was so sore, and blood was all over me.  He tore my dress.  A woman had seen me go with him, but it was over so quickly.  My mother got real mad at me and kept saying, "How could you be so stupid as to go anywhere with a stranger?"  With tha tstatement, my mother gave me a good weapon to punish myself.  I was so confused.  I didn't think anything could feel worse than what he did to me, but this was worse.  I thought, She's right, my mom's right.  Why did I go into the woods?  I was stupid.  I hate myself."

Because we have trained ourselves not to feel our emotions, sometimes we can more easily feel angry about the ause that happened to someone else.  In your journal, describe your feelings about what happened to the little girl you just read about.

Describe your feelings about the fact that the victim was blamed for the abuse.

Is your story similar to the story of the little girl?  Explain.

When Bill read the story it reminded him of how his father had shamed him because of the abuse he suffered from an aunt.  He was finally able to be angry at his father for not listening to him and understanding.

How is your story different?

You need to allow yourself to feel your anger about your abuse and about the way others reacted to your abuse.

Note the following methods you have been using to deal with your anger.

I suppress it.
I have sudden outbursts.
I have become depressed.
I turn it inward through self-hate.
I act out in passive-aggressive ways.
I am self-destructive.
Other...

None of the methods listed above are healthy expressions of anger.  Acknowledging that you are angry, validating your own significance, and focusing your anger on the abuse are healthy ways to deal with your anger.

Describe your feelings about how others have reacted to your abuse.

Jim had panic attacks when he thought someone needed something from him.  He discovered the source of those attacks.  He had never allowed himself to be angry at the soccer coach who sexually abused him.  Jim hated what the coach did to him in the locker room but craved the coach's praise on the field.  Jim was also angry at himself for wanting the praise.  Sexual abuse often puts the victim in a double-bind situation.

Remember your memory verse.

"Be angry, and yet do not sin."  Ephesians 4:26

Your anger is not a sin.  To feel angry when others take advantage of you is healthy and normal.  As you feel your anger you can deal with it in appropriate ways.  Then you will use less of the destructive ways mentioned above.

"I want to punch them"

Out of the blue, my 6 1/2 year old son says, "Hey, Mom, do you ever want to talk to your dads?"  Having no idea where this came from or where it was headed, I gently answered, "No, not really."  He replied, "Really?  Never?  You never want to talk to your dads?  You never wonder what they're doing and want to talk to them?"  My husband was driving, so I was able to turn my head enough to make eye contact and explain again... 

"My first dad abandoned me when I was a baby.  I found him when I was 26 and spent a weekend with him at his mom's house.  After that weekend, I called him a lot, and sent mail and email and he never responded.  He didn't want anything to do with me.  He doesn't love me like a Daddy should, so I've had to move on with my life without him.  My second dad adopted me when I was really young, but he didn't treat me right.  He abused me terribly and touched my body in ways that no child should ever be touched...  I told my mom about it when I was eight years old, but she never made him stop.  The abuse lasted until I was old enough to make it stop myself at age 15 1/2, and then a judge told him when I was 16 that he couldn't see me anymore and he told me that I was freed from his abuse.  The touching hurt my body, but more than that, the way my mom and dads treated me hurt my feelings and my heart.  I carried that pain with me every single day until I was almost 30 years old, when God really started to help me feel better.  To this day, my mom and my second dad won't take responsibility for what they did, and sometimes my mother even says it was all my fault.  They don't love me the way a Mommy or Daddy should, so I don't really ever think about wanting to call them just to chat."

I was not teary-eyed or angry as I spoke...  I was calm, truthful and reassuring to him that these are things that his Mommy and Daddy would never, ever do.  When I stopped talking, he replied, "I want to punch them."

I had to turn away then, because my eyes were immediately filled with tears.  This was only the second time anyone ever expressed anger over what happened to me.  The first was my husband...  God really blessed me with my husband and sons.  They really know how to wrap their arms and hearts around me and love me into wholeness.

As I quietly cried, my husband jumped in and talked with our sons about forgiveness and surrendering everything - good and bad - to God.  Isn't it amazing how God provides, day in and day out?  He never leaves us or forsakes us.  He has, without question, provided my guys to me as a gift.  They help me to recover more every day.

"Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, "I will take revenge; I will pay them back," says the LORD." Romans 12:19

It is sad ... but God's got a plan

My feelings fluctuate as I grow, recover and get to know myself more deeply.  I am humbled by God's care and concern.  I am immensely grateful to be an ever-changing, ever-healing person.  I cannot put words to how it feels to know God's provision the way that I do.

But that does not always keep grief at bay.

For years my overwhelming feelings were anger, bitterness and rejection.  I felt grief for the first time four years ago.  It was freeing; comforting.  I was able to feel grief because I was finally able to see, believe and process the losses in my life.  Feeling grief involved recognizing that I was worthy.  That I deserved more than the treatment I received from my parents.

Ever since that day four years ago, grief  has been an occasional visitor.  It most often comes when I marvel at something that my children have that I did not.  You know - things as simple as childhood vacations or parents who volunteer in class.  My grief is generally a fleeting emotion, but there just the same.

Grief is visiting right now.

My teen years were spent formulating an escape plan.  I had to get out of my mother's abusive home the moment I graduated from high school.  For a few years, I bounced between living arrangements with friends, worked several part time jobs at once, and full time jobs at other times.  I went to college part time, and some semesters not at all.

I found myself completely unprepared to succeed in college.  I was unable to focus on my studies.  I lacked the self-esteem to be a motivated, self-starter.  Paying rent was my top priority and I knew nothing about grants or scholarships.  I didn't trust the idea of asking for help, as asking for help had failed me before.  I had the smarts for day-to-day survival, but did not know how to be an ambitious college student.

I left college with no degree.  It didn't matter to me at the time, but 16 years later it's a little crushing.

It didn't matter back then because all I wanted was to be a wife and mother.  I didn't care about a career.  If I'm being completely honest, I didn't think I had anything to offer professionally.  I knew I could be a good wife and mother - just do the opposite of my parents - but my image of myself said that I couldn't possibly contribute to anything professionally.  I was just trash.

I'm almost 36 now, married and raising two little boys...  I'm also trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up!  I want to do something I care about.  Work with abused children, or in child abuse prevention, or do fundraising for a worthwhile non-profit.  These jobs require a degree; a Masters in some cases.  So, my mind is completely overwhelmed with ideas of how to return to college.  I'm more than a little out of practice when it comes to the classroom!  And how do I fit college into my already busy life with two young children, volunteer work at school and church, a home to keep up and a husband that I want to spend time with?

As these thoughts have coursed through my brain over the last few months, I have fought back a few grief-filled tears.  Sexual abuse not only pierces a person's body, but their mind and heart as well.  Their life.  You wouldn't be reading this if you didn't already know that...  It's just so profoundly sad what childhood abuse can take away from a person.

I wouldn't change my life for anything...  If I wasn't a wreck as a young girl, I might have made drastically different decisions and ended up in a completely different place than where I'm at.  And I love where I'm at.  I love my husband and kids and pretty much everything about our lives.  I'm happy.

But, still, the suffering of children, young adults and grown men and women everywhere breaks my heart.  Sexual abuse has the power to collide with and destroy every aspect of a person's life.

As I ponder that fact, my mind goes to children around the world, waiting in foster care or orphanages for forever families to love and care for them.  These are children who have already been removed from their family's care, and often from their family's minds.  These children have the odds stacked against them.  They have every reason to struggle and fail as they move into adulthood; feeling abandoned, unloved and unworthy.  I pray for their healing and restoration.  I pray for loving families to intervene and give them their lives back.

It is not an overstatement to say that the losses caused by childhood abuse are profoundly sad.  They are.  But, I also know first hand that God is always present and in the middle of all things.  He loves every single one of us.  We were all made special and with a purpose.  And He provides hope and healing.

"Even though you planned evil against me, God planned good to come out of it. This was to keep many people alive, as he is doing now." Genesis 50:20

Read Genesis chapters 37-50 for more from God's word about a family's betrayal and God's perfect provision and plan.  Do you see any parallels between your life and Joseph's?  Do you see God's hand?

Unit 7 Lesson 1, Healthy Expressions of Anger

I botched up my last post a little...  I had our next unit wrong.  Between blogging lessons here and beginning a brand new support group here in town, I opened up to the wrong place the other day.  We have just finished the guilt & shame unit and are now moving onto feeling the anger and hurt.  So, my last post was more of a wrap-up of the lesson as opposed to a kick-off!  Sorry for any confusion.

Now for the correct lesson!

Focal passage and memory verse for Unit 7:  "Be angry and yet do not sin."  Ephesians 4:26

A young woman who had been a child victim of sexual abuse described how rejected and humiliated she felt as a young girl when the police came to her house.  She said, "I had been walking home from school when a man approached who said he would give me candy.  I never got candy, even though I went to the woods with him.  He raped me.  I was so sore, and blood was all over me.  He tore my dress.  A woman had seen me go with him, bu tit was over so quickly.  My mother got real mad at me and kept saying, "How could you be so stupid as to go anywhere with a stranger?"  With that statement, my mother gave me a good weapon to punish myself.  I was so confused.  I didn't think anything could feel worse than what he did to me, but this was worse.  I thought, "She's right, my mom's right.  Why did I go into the woods?  I was stupid.  I hate myself."

In this unit you will examine anger and hurt in the light of survivors...

Sara, a 25 yaer old woman, was expressing her feelings in a sexual abuse group.  "I am angry at my brothers!  I am angry at anyone who looks like my brothers!  I am just angry!"  For eight years Sara had been tormented by her brothers.  She had been held down, tied up, and forced to imitate pornographic material.  She described many humiliating and vicious acts perpetrated against her.  Sara had begged her parents for help, but they ignored her pleas.  She is very angry about what happened to her as a child.

Almost everyone would acknowledge the right of the victim to be angry about being abused.  Yet many people feel uncomfortable allowing survivors the right to express their anger.  All victims have anger and need to learn to express it appropriately - whether or not the person who committed the abuse, those who enabled the abuse, the church, or the world might be offended by the victim's anger.

As a general rule, expressing anger appropriately does not mean blowing up or throwing things.  It never involves using any form of violence.  In fact, these methods do not work and can become addictive behaviors leading to more emotional pain.

Most of the time expressing your anger appropriately means acknowledging, accepting, and expressing your anger in a mature and controlled manner.  Sometimes recovery from abuse requires more intense expressions of anger and rage than would, in most situations, seem appropriate.  You will learn some ways of channeling these intense feelings through this study.  You can also ask your therapist to help you express and release these intense feelings.

In your journals, write words or phrases that describe how you typically express your anger.  

Throw things.  Yell.  Stuff it inside.  Write.  Talk it out.  Slam doors.  Run.  Curse.  Control people.  Control circumstances.  Be a perfectionist.  Be nice.  Other??

Some of the responses above are more helpful than others.  Writing and talking out anger will help you to clarify your feelings.  Sometimes yelling, throwing things, and slamming doors does release some built-up tension.  However, others may be in your path so be careful to determine whether your anger is being destructive to yourself or to others.  You may not even realize when you are using behaviors such as controlling and perfectionism.

A Preliminary Word of Caution

Before you proceed with the main focus of this unit, consider this caution:  If you cannot use restraint in expressing your anger and you may harm others or yourself, immediately seek the help of a professional.  A qualified Christian counselor can help you to explore the factors that make it difficult for you to deal with anger constructively.  Lack of proper rest, physical problems, improper diet, depression, or being overwhelmed by memories of abuse can all impair your ability to cope with anger.

If you are prone to outbursts, you may find it helpful to meditate on Galatians 5 and the Book of Proverbs.  Try to recognize any behavior patterns in yourself that you learned from being around angry people.  For example, if you had an explosive parent, you may be imitating his or her uncontrollable temper.  If you get "too angry", you can delay your response to the source of your anger and remove yourself from the circumstances until you have received professional counseling.

In your journal, write a description of your behavior the last time you were very angry.

Be honest with yourself about your anger.  If you need to seek help to control your anger, find a counselor or support group in your area.

Do you need professional help to deal with your anger?  Why or why not?

Jane realized that she was taking her anger out on her husband and her children.  She felt sad as she realized that she was building a wall between herself and her family.  She determined to focus her hanger where it belonged.  She began a feelings journal and started talking about her anger with her support group.  (You are welcome to share your feelings in the comments on this blog, on the Facebook Fan Page or even in a private email to me, if you'd like.)

Give Yourself Permission to be Angry

Anger always will be expressed in some way.  Either you express it appropriately or it seeps out in ways that damage you and others.  Let's look at the need to give yourself permission to be angry.  Some of you may laugh at this idea because you consider yourself and angry person, or others consider you to be angry.  You may say, "I don't have any trouble being angry."  The challenge lies in allowing yourself to give appropriate outward expression to the inner anger you feel toward those who abused you and those who made it possible for them to abuse you.  Taking out your anger on yourself or on others who are not involved is not appropriate.  Some of you shut down your anger a long time ago, and you wonder what it's like to feel angry.

At the end of this section you have the chance to make a list of everyone with whom you are angry.  This list should include everyone from the actual people who abused you to all the people who allowed the abuse.  People who enabled the abuse - some call co-perpetrators - include everyone who, by what the did or what they didn't do, allowed the abuse to happen or to continue.  Those who enable abuse can include parents, siblings, teachers, pastors, and protective services...  You may also need to consider your anger toward the legal system and even toward God.

The role of the legal system is particularly important if you were molested as a child.  For example, many states require children as young as five years old to testify in front of their abusers.  Victims who have experienced these types of circumstances have a great deal of anger about the way the legal system re-victimized them.

A 36 year old woman described the experience of reporting her second rape by the same man.  She had not reported the first assault because she thought it would be better if no one knew, including her husband and family.  But when she was raped a second time, she chose to tell her family and the police.  Instead of help, however, she incurred accusations from them and eventually was encouraged by them to drop the charges.

Because of the deep hurt and anger involved, do not leave out any person, system or organization when you make your list of abusers and enablers.  Don't be afraid to include God on your list.  Virtually every victim feels great anger toward God.  Later in this unit you will explore the issue of anger toward God.  Cindy was so angry with God that she left he church for a few years and made a decision to be an atheist.  Last, but certainly not least, make sure to include yourself.  You probably have been beating yourself over the head for years anyway, so put yourself on the list.  Take plenty of time and allow God to reveal everyone toward whom you feel anger.  Don't misdirect that anger towards those not involved or toward yourself alone.

Make a list of every person who abused you, every person who enabled the abuse, and every organization or system that you feel has hurt you, let you down, or toward which you feel anger. 

Make another list of people toward whom you feel angry because they didn't understand your pain or support you when they learned about the abuse.

Your list needs to include your abuser or abusers and others who enable the abuse.  You may have also included friends, relatives, adn others who knew you at the time of the abuse.  Most people also experience anger at God.  Review your lists and add any people or organizations necessary.

Pray for yourself and other members of this online group.

Remember that ...

You can accept God's love and kindness.
The truth will set you free!
You are worthy and have God to lead you and comfort you.
You are clean.
You are wonderfully made.
You have permission to feel your anger and hurt. 

Got guilt?

I've talked with several girlfriends lately who are struggling with guilt...  Mommy guilt.  Survivor's guilt.  All sorts of guilt.  I've written this post in my head a couple of times, but didn't know for sure if I'd actually publish it until I cracked open my Shelter book a few minutes ago.  I was prepared to get started on Unit 6, but when I saw the title I felt like perhaps I'm meant to prime your hearts a little first....

The title is "Letting Go of Shame and Guilt."

That said...  I'm going to kick the unit off with this blog post about my girlfriends' struggles with guilt. It is often easier to see wrong-thinking in others - you know, that whole objectivity thing...

My precious friend has cancer.  At diagnosis, she had it in four different spots in her abdomen and chest.  She has cancer, no question.  She's been going through chemo treatments for a few months now.  She was told to expect a great deal of nausea, complete hair loss right away, and dramatic weight loss.  She has undergone a few surgeries, had a port placed inside her chest, has received a few blood transfusions, is receiving daily shots in her stomach to prevent blood clots, and has at least one medical appointment every single week.  She has not experienced terrible nausea; however, she is certainly not feeling completely well.  She is not completely bald, but she has lost more than half of her hair.  And, rather than lose weight, she has gained it!  Her doctor has suggested she limit her diet even more than it's already been limited (due to bacterial concerns, there are certain fruits and veggies that were stricken from her diet months ago).  My friend is suffering...  She is self-conscious about her hair loss.  She is tired and doesn't feel well.  She nervously awaits test results like every other cancer patient.  She has scars and bruising and an device implanted into her chest.  She is self-conscious about her weight gain.  She has an emotional need to talk to other cancer survivors, but she feels "guilty" because she hasn't suffered the darkest extremes of the typical side effects.  She keeps saying, "It could be so much worse.  I really shouldn't be complaining."  She is minimizing what she is going through, merely because "it could be worse".  Out of guilt, she is not allowing herself to reach out to other cancer survivors for support.

I have another dear friend who is a working mom.  Like every other good mother, she readily sacrifices at every turn to meet the needs of her children.  She prepares well-balanced meals, does homework with them, plays with them, knows all of their friends and their friends' families.  She never misses an appointment or activity.  She nourishes them in every way.  Her kids love her and she loves them.  The kids know they are well-loved, but their mother beats herself up because she has to work.  It crushes me every time she says, "Stay-at-home-moms are the best!  Such good moms.  I'm just not as good a mom because I work!"  She is totally blaming herself and finding herself guilty of failure merely because she has to work.  She should ask her kids - they will tell her the truth.

And one last friend who's been on my mind is the mother of a child born with a medical condition.  While pregnant she took her vitamins, ate well, got some exercise...  Did everything that an expectant mother can do to ensure the health and wellness of her baby.  When her daughter was diagnosed with her condition, the mother's first words were, "What did I do wrong?"  And even as my friend explained her daughters condition to me (years after diagnosis), the mother still used the words "....it's just something I passed on.  Something I must have or carry or did."  Let me tell you - this mother did NOTHING wrong.  Frankly, if we believe the words of our Heavenly Father, we are assured that this precious little girl's creation was His doing.  "You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb."  Psalm 139:13.  And while we may not know or understand exactly what His plan is, we are assured that he has a plan and that it is perfect.  "For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11  My dear friend did nothing to cause her daughter to be born with this condition, but she blames herself.

As we get ready to start this unit on letting go of shame and guilt, I want to encourage you to pray through your own thoughts and beliefs.  Listen closely to the words that you say.  Hold them up to the light of God's truth.  How do your beliefs about yourself measure up?  Where do you see wrong-thinking?  Do you need to let go of shame and guilt?